How Do You Make Your Kids Get Along?

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I think once over the age of 12, there will be fights just because. With mine I have them work EVERYTHING out with each other. If we're in the car and it starts I pull over and don't say anything. They have to find a way to make it right and be kind to each other before I start again. If it doesn't happen quickly, I either go home or they get a mountain of consequences. At home, it's the same thing, and if they want help i tell them to ask each other first.
Good luck!

My 3 year old and 10 year old boys argue. Isn't that crazy? Nothing I do seems to help, other than to separate the two.. but that is just temporary sanity for me.

Well mine are all still very young but my mom did a great job with me and my brothers! (imo) A few of the things I remember most was that she always told us how important family is and that to remember that friends won't nessisarily always be there but your brothers and sisters will! She told us that if we are ever in a situation where a neighbor or friend was being mean to one of our siblings then we need to all leave and tell them that we don't like to be around people who are mean to our sisters or brothers. (this really worked with us to make us realize that we need to put out family before friends) one thing i remember a LOT was if we were fighting a lot she would make us hold hands with the one we were fighting with ALL DAY! We would even have to wait outside the bathroom if one of us had to go! If we were fighting over a toy it got taken away... you decide for how long... a day a week....
I hope this helps you out! I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers and we are all best friends! We hang out at least 1 or 2 times a week and are closer with eachother than our other friends. (the age range is 30 to 19)
Good Luck!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My fourteen year old is my saving grace, so she and my five year old are crazy about each other, BUT my five and my six year old are another story altogether!
I have implemented a few things that have helped (it doesn't completely go away, but still makes for a great deterrent).

1. Separation definitely works. If mine can't get along, they are forced to play in separate rooms for an hour. THEY HATE THIS, but when they come back together they are significantly more considerate of and patient with each other.

2. Unnecessary arguing chart. I have a chart that I made on colored paper that has lists their name, three boxes, and a line next to the boxes. The page is just filled with this formula until no more lines on the paper are available. Every time they argue, the one who starts it gets an X in a box. Three Xs and they lose a toy or an item important to them and that item is written on the line so that they can see what they have lost by not trying to work things out between them. If they both start it, they both get an X.

3. I started with an art project--decoupage. I took two baby formula canisters (with plastic lids) and had them cut out pictures from magazines and glue them onto the cans. Then, we coated them with decoupage glue to make them nice and shiny. We cut a slit in their lids and told them that this is now their good deed can. Every time they do something WONDERFULLY THOUGHTFUL, they receive a quarter. It is up to US, the parents to determine when a quarter is warranted or not. HERE IS THE BEST PART.....when one is mean to the other, doesn't share, says something hurtful, etc, THEY HAVE TO TAKE A QUARTER OUT OF THEIR GOOD DEED CAN AND GIVE IT TO THEIR SISTER! Not only has this made them more mindful of how to be more considerate of one another, but it has also instilled a sort of money management interest in each of them.

Hope this helps! Best of luck!

Hi Lisa,
All though my girls are 12 and 14 they fight like most sisters. But the one thing I MAKE them do for a MAJOR punishment . Every time they fight around me I make them kiss each other on the cheek and say I sorry to the ONLY sister I will ever have!! At first it was a fight to get them to do that, but after while of makeing them do that. The fighting stopped at least around me and my husband. He actually made a comment "What is wrong with them? They are not fighting as much lately" just the other day. I told him "I put the fear of love in them!!" LOLOL
I always say you 2 better learn how to love each other NOW because when dad and I are old and febble you will only have each other to turn to when you need a sholder to lean on!!
It worked for me and maybe it will work for you.
CindyC.

Great question. I don't have an answer, I think they each need their own space, but when they are together they should be polite at least. I think the job think sounds like a good idea. I'm just wondering if you will hear complaining that the older one has to do everything etc etc. I hope it works. maybe some sort of a catch them being good reward system?

First you can't really "make " your kids get along and the more you push that the worst it will be. I would suggest that you sit down with the 14 year old. 14 is too old to be talking hateful to a 5 year old. She is mature enough to realize that she needs to be the example and that even if the 5 year old is being nasty she can't be nasty back. Both also need consequences for their actions. Maybe a coin jar is needed so every time they name call they have to put a nickel in the coin jar (or dime or penny whatever.)
The 5 year old can have time outs for acting nasty and the 14 year old can have privileges revoked.

I have 2 younger sisters, 1 5 years younger and 1 10 years younger. You can't make them get along but you can make them act civil most of the time if the realize there are consequences for not acting civil.

Making them work together is a good step in the right direction!

Good luck!

Here are some ideas and also more can be found at the link below. Also check out "Love and Logic" under the blog roll. Good luck!
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...

Positive discipline teaches children rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and considerate way. It requires thought, planning and patience from parents and caretakers, such as:
* “No, don’t run inside!” becomes, “What happened to our walking feet? Where do we use our running feet?” or “We will go outside soon and you can show me how fast you can run.”
* “No, don’t throw the blocks!” becomes, “When did our blocks grow wings?” or “Let’s try building a castle and see what happens!”

My mom had a great tack for dealing with this that I have adopted when my own kids are acting up. My mom would separate us, she would divide the house in half and we were not allowed to be together in the same room. I would be allowed in the living room, my bedroom, and one of our bathrooms while my brother was allowed in the family room, his bedroom, and my parents bathroom. We were both allowed in the kitchen and dining room but were only allowed there at the same time during meals. In addition to keeping us physically separated and unable to fight or be mean, after a couple of days we would miss each other enough to be nice. We would usually start up again after a week, but threats of the same "punishment" would make us shape up - at least for awhile.

Good luck.

How do you and your husband handle disagreements? Is there someone else they are hearing hateful talk from? Do they watch sitcoms on TV and see how badly family members treat each other?

They need to learn appropriate ways of working out their differences. They also need to learn that if they do something nice for the other one over and over again, their sister will want to "retaliate" with something nice. I also like the kissing suggestion.

Also, find out what is making them feel hurt. Our pastor always says, "Hurt people hurt people."

my kids do the same thing i cant keep them from doing it

I put it into a "me" realm. "Stop making that racket, I can't think!" If they tried to explain who was at fault, then they were sent to their rooms. I never got into the middle of the fights, was never judge nor jury.
Also, mine had no TV because we lived in countries without TV in English, when we moved to the US and they started vegetating in front of the TV and played less together, the fighting started. So.............cut off the TV, they returned to their normal selves.
If one is being pummeled by the other, the pummeler must be the one who leaves. Hitting is never acceptable. She can come back only after an apology. You have to witness the pummeling though.
I have 2 aunts. One, like my mother, got into every fight. Those kids all fought like cats and dogs. Third aunt was hands off, her kids got along really well. So that is where I got the idea from and it has worked. The oldest is 42 and the are still good friends.
The idea of family first is also a good one. "Only sister you will ever have" helps to cement the idea.

Mine are 4 years (girl) and 20 months (boy). I thought having a girl and boy would be easy and that there would be none of the fighting like between two girls. NOT! My kids have a definite love hate relationship. I love it when they play because they are SO SO SO cute. I hate it when they fight and it makes me super sad. Mostly I let them work stufff out on their own. One day they will appreciate each other and realize the world will be so much easier if they can help each other through all of life's battles.

Nothing could stop me and my sister from fighting until we grew up, moved out and we now live in different states. Apparently we can share a time zone, but we have to be at least a 12 hr drive away from eachother. My Mom said we use to brawl like boys. My sister enjoys fighting. She likes to push just to see how far she can go before you push back. If they are nice together, leave them alone. When the bickering starts, send them to their separate corners/areas/rooms, etc. When the older one moves out, things will calm down.

I think firstly you should look at their different personality types. Look up their astrological sign, I'm an Aries & my sister is a Sagitarius...VERY different. I'm more hot headed & short tempered. Why?? I dunno, it's just the way it is. She's more even tempered but gets p.o.'d easily now which is different than before just like I don't lose my temper as quick as I used to, strange but that's just the way it is but we were closer in age than your two. I know it may sound weird to you & you may not take much stock into astrological signs but if you read about their signs, you WILL see it is true & makes sense. By accepting they don't get along, you can now figure out a way to help them get along. I would just take them, one at a time aside & talk to them individually. Ask ea one what it is exactly they don't like abt the other & go from there. If the oldest says her little sister is 'annoying' for instance, ask "how" is she annoying. Does she follow her big sis around "all the time" or what exactly? If something like that, just say that she probably looks up to her big sis & wants to be like her & her big sis just needs to accept that younger children are like that. Being the older sister, she has a responsibility to help her little sister feel important or accepted & to help watch over her & make sure she doesn't get into trouble. By saying that, maybe the older daughter may feel a bit more important in that she has some responsibility which is like a "grownup" responsibility. I've noticed over the years that kids ALWAYS wanna be treated 'grownup' even if they're not just yet. I would explain her little sis may need more attention & may feel bored or left out, wanting something to do or someone to play with & being the big sister, she should take time to play w/her little sis but ask the big sis if she wants to be alone at that time, just let her little sis know, politely & that maybe "we can play a bit later". Being 14, she is growing up & may need a bit different feeling of responsibility. Then ask the youngest what it is that her big sister does to upset her. If it's something like "she won't play w/me" or perhaps "she's mean to me"...how? Probe for more information. Just say, well, "How is she mean" or "what does she say when you wanna play?" then go from there. I would also explain to the little sister that her big sis sometimes needs space & time to herself sometimes & sometimes she just doesn't want to play right now (if that's the case) first, she may simply just ask if her big sister wants to play, if 'no' then have her ask if she would play later?? Then she needs to find other things to occupy her time for the moment. It'd be helpful if I knew what exactly they argue over so I can make better suggestions but hope what I've suggested will help in someway. Me & my older sister fought like cats & dogs but it was b/c she was very spoiled & they did, literally take her side everytime...aka...it was "always my fault" but rarely was, she just was spoiled & pampered...she can 'do no wrong' type of situation & yes, literally given everything, even if it were my toy, if she wanted it, she could have it but never the other way around but I'm sure that's not the issue here for your situation. But please do at least check online for a description of their Astro signs, it does help in learning their different personality types & 'why they act that way'. Good luck!!

Your house sounds like my house! I have a 4yo daughter and an 8yo son, and they sometimes fight like cats and dogs! The best thing that works for us: I start counting. If I get to three, they both take a time out in separate rooms. (There are days that the fighting stops immediately. There are other days that they spend a lot of time in time out.!) *Hugs to you*

I used to fight all the time with my sisters, but back then it was my mother's problem. Now that I have to deal with this, it is frustrating and I haven't found a method that works best for me yet. I did notice couple things though, it was either about competition younger to older, invasion of space, feeling less attention/love and overall need. Once I mimick the response I want with my husband, I notice my sons do the same to each other. So I try to focus on how I relate to him with the awareness that "private eyes are watching you"..Good luck coming up with a strategy. :-))

My daughter's are 10 & 15 and I hear them going at it quite often. I take the approach of letting them work it out between themselves unless they get physical with each other. I can hear the younger one pestering the older one because she talks loudly. The older one is quieter so I rarely hear what she says but I'm positive she gives as good as she gets.
As a younger sister, I have usually been very sympathetic to the younger one but I let her older sister know that she should be more tolerant because a lot of it's just that the younger one wants to be like her.
My sister who's 8 yrs older and I didn't always get along because she was always trying to boss me around and I was too independent for that; but now that we're adults we get along fine because I expressed to her some years ago that though I valued her opinion, unless I asked for it she didn't have the right to try to run my household from hers.
My oldest sister and I have never had a disagreement to my recollection even when we were children. She's 9 yrs older. I guess it's because she's not bossy like my other sister.
I imagine as they both mature, your daughters will find things they have in common and not harp on the things that irritate them about each other.

A friend told me she does the following and I tried it and it works. You just have to make sure you are conistant with it. When one of the children is hateful to the other then they have to do an act of service for the other one. ie... make their bed for a week, do some of their chores, the older one can read to the younger one, whatever you think they should do as a service to the other. I hope this helps! By the way, we have a large age difference between some of our children, I have a 14, 9, 5, and almost one year old.

I am interested in reading all of your responses, but it will have to wait.
A friend of mine use to send her girls out to pull weeds. It was mindless
work so they'd have to think about their crime. In Parent Trap with
Haley Mills, (a 60's movie), sisters, who didn't know they were twin
sisters, that hated each other, had to work together for punishment.
Of course, that was in the movies and it was cute. The remake
with Lindsay Lohan didn't do anything for me.

I think it is an advantage for siblings to practice how to represent
themselves to the rest of the "outside" world. Trial and error.
It is pretty much on the normal side to bounce off each other.
They may be more different than alike. It's not all bad. It is your
chance to dialogue with them about The Golden Rule.
Lots and lots of good luck. It is hard for moms.

Great question, Lisa! My kids go through phases of getting along great / bickering (they are 9 and 11, a boy and a girl).

One thing I read about not too long ago that has already proven really effective for us is... instead of asking "What happened?" or "What did he/she do?" when they come to me because they are arguing, or when I have to intervene to stop their bickering, I ask, "What did you do?"

I read about this tip in the book Growing the Next Generation For Success and have started taking this approach when diffusing disagreements between my kids. It really works.

By asking my son/daugther what they did (what THEIR part in the argument was), it really seems to help them realize what they could do differently, instead of blaming each other. Hope that helps! :)

I never knew a family could have this problem with kids spaced apart but now I think that kids do not care about age. :) Mine are about 3 years apart and they fight a lot. They get along and play too but we certainly have our fair share of arguing! I'm not sure if this is going to work for you (since your oldest is so much older) but I separate mine. The second they speak ugly to one another, I send them both to their rooms until they can play nicely. Within minutes they will yell into the kitchen, "we'll play nice, can my sister come into my room now?" Sometimes it doesn't take long before the fighting starts again, so we'll start over. Sometimes they'll play quietly for an hour. I do commend you for not allowing them to treat each other this way. It's unacceptable and good for you to not tolerate it! One last thought; I mean not to offend but want to plant the bug (just in case this is the situation). Are your children from the same father? If not, could your oldest feel out of place and resentful? If so, maybe some counseling could help and definitely some extra attention. Speaking of attention, taking them out for parent child time alone can work wonders (at least for a little while). See if one can go to a friend's house and take the other to a movie or something (then do the same for the other). Tell them if they brag about, it or even speak about it to the other, the "dates" will not continue. It should be something special between you and each child.

I know my boys get tired of each other so I make plans to get them separated. I send a couple of them to friends houses at the same time so that they can get breaks from each other. I also take privileges away when they are being snotty to each other. Usually it is one that starts it all (not always the same one!) and that one will be punished.

It is hard over the summer, but it seems like you are on the right track with making them work together.

First they are females, second it's sibling rivalry (way worst with girls than boys), third, they are 9 years apart; different worlds basically. I can directly attest to this because I'm 8 years older than my sister. For us, because my mom was a single parent and I had to help out a lot with my younger sister, at first it was fun and I enjoyed it when she was an infant and toddler. When she got into elementary her and I didn't get along at all, it was almost as if we hated one another or at least I felt she ruined my world. It wasn't until I was 18 and moved out of the house that we became best friends and I loved her as my younger sister. Not saying your daughters are to this extreme but because of the huge age difference you can expect them to fight for years to come and at some point the oldest will come back to the younger and see her as her younger loving sister.