How Do You Not Let the Little Thing Ruin Your Marriage and Relationships?

From this and your other posts, it really seems that you are focused on the tiniest slights and you aren't seeing any joy or pleasure in life. You and your husband are unhappy, and while you separate, perhaps you don't do what needs to be done to heal your hurts and work on new ways to communicate. If you're not getting help from an objective source (counselor, therapist), then nothing is going to change.

We are all products of our upbringing, and I know nothing about yours, your husband's, your sister-in-law's or your friends. But there seems to be a whole lot of going around and blaming other people and looking for their screw-ups, instead of focusing the lens inward. You are profoundly unhappy, and that changes how you see people and how you speak to people. It also changes how you react to things they say or do.

Fighting over a post office receipt? Getting free child care and then being upset that your free sitter eats too much? He blames her, and then you fight with her? You are complaining about someone else's kids and upset about someone in the supermarket who offended YOU by taking some basil? You're not the world's police officer, you're not the world's expert on parenting.

I suspect you are having so little pleasure in life that the only way you can feel good is by showing that someone else is "less than" you. Perhaps you never were validated as a child, perhaps you never felt good enough. I understand that - I was raised the same way. It's a horrible thing. But I knew I needed better skills to have a good marriage, and I surely didn't want to raise my son to feel the same way. So I got help, and so did my husband. We went to separate counselors and also saw someone jointly. We stopped blaming the other one (or his ex, or my family, or his kids...) for everything and decided to work on what we could control - which was our own growth and our own attitudes. We've been married 34 years, have a 29 year old son who is awesome and whole and confident, and we learned how to "fight fair." I suggest you make the time to take care of yourself by finding out what makes you see the world the way you do. If you understand things better, you can make better choices. It really is worth the effort, and it's a gift you give yourself. Otherwise, you will be miserable, and you will raise 3 little kids to hate the world, each other, and you and their father. Don't do that to them.

You sound like a friend of mine. Always upset with people with no patience for anyone or anything. Always looking for a fight over things most people would just brush off. Turned out she was depressed and her depression came out as anger instead of sadness.

So my advice is to talk to a therapist and find one that's a good fit for you to work through this issue. Right now you have 6 little eyes looking to you as their role model and Mama you aren't teaching them the way a grown up should be acting. You need to fix this asap so you don't end up having 3 mini mes who treat others poorly.

If you take a step back, you might be able to see that all of your questions are really asking, "How do I change other people so that the behave the way I think they should?"
The only thing you can control in life is you. So the question you should be asking is, "What can I change about myself so that these things don't upset me so much?"

Sounds like a hormonal imbalance to me. Having 3 kids in 2 years will really mess up your hormones, not to mention your sleep patterns. I suggest you talk to your doctor and get into counseling.
Birth control would also be a great option.

When I have PMS (hormonal) there's one day a month where I feel totally out of sorts, and see the world in this very weird way. I focus on other people - and take things very personally. It's so depressing and I end up feeling miserable. I know this, so I kind of keep to myself and just take care of myself. I talked to my doctor, and I have a mild antidepressant that I take. It helped. I felt stressed that time of the month. That was the word I used - "stressed". My husband just looks scared - honestly, and knows what time of the month it is. I am so testy and the smallest thing sets me off.

So maybe you're hormonal. I don't know much about them. I don't know what they do for that. Talk to your doctor.

If it's a childhood thing - unresolved issues - as Diane suggests - then talking it all out with a counselor can really help. Blaming others (and attacking them) never, ever helps. NEVER. It just makes things worse.

That (the victim mentality - where everything is always someone else's fault) is also a sign of mental health issues for some people. So a counselor/doc visit could also be helpful for that reason. It doesn't have to mean you have a severe problem. But your behavior sounds a tad erratic. I have a relative who is like this - and needed to go on mediation to stabilize her moods. It wasn't hormonal. She needed to go on antidepressants and get counseling.

Good luck to you. As long as you focus on every little slight, and think it's one issue after another, you're missing the bigger picture. The common denominator is you. Look within. That's hard to do - but the good thing is, you can make changes and control that - and it's a gift to you, and your kiddos :)

Just call and see your doc. That's where I would start. The thing is, you have to be honest. Just say what you've written here. Say you blow up at people and next day you feel guilt and change your tune/mood, and this pattern (intense feelings) repeats and plays out constantly. You're upset about it and it affects your life negatively. You need help.

B., it sounds like you need mental help. Don't take it wrong, but you sound bi-polar. I'm not a doctor. Your mood swings COULD be from hormones, etc. but you really need to see a doctor and get checked out.

Find a therapist so you can find a common ground or just be able to listen to other people and not fight, for lack of better words.

i hope this doesn't come across as mean, hon, but this is troubling.

maybe it IS having 3 kids in 2 years (which is exhausting and hell on your hormones). but i think there's more to it.

first off, good for you for recognizing your role in ruining relationships. that's a great start.

but you have 3 kids for whom you have to model sensible. sane adult behavior. and it ain't happening when you lose your s_it over a package slip or your kids lose playdates because you make judgey remarks to the other moms, or you have an awesome free family babysitter (oh, how i'd have loved that!) but her dog looks at you wrong.

for your own sake and the sake of your marriage you need to get help, and in your case it sounds like some good commonsense counseling is the place to start.

if you and your marriage aren't enough motivation, your kids should be. kids learn what they live, not what they're told. your kids are not being shown how to be a happy productive adult.

i sincerely wish you the best.

khairete
S.

This is one of the many life skills that we wish we could all learn, but not everyone does (just like keeping a clean house ... I haven't learned that skill). You have to learn how to pick your battles. You have to learn to let go of the small things.

You have to practice stepping back and letting your husband be upset about a package slip without letting it upset you. He can be upset, but you have to try to stay calm. It definitely takes practice.

If a friend says that the two of you aren't having playdates because she is hurt by your comments about your kids, don't tell her she's wrong. Apologize. Tell her that you are sorry you hurt her. It doesn't matter if you don't remember, and it definitely doesn't matter if you don't think she should be hurt. You apologize because she IS hurt.

"How do I get along with people better and not get in fights with everyone."

You do this by not letting things become a fight. What your friend said probably hurt you, but you don't have to prove her wrong. You accept that she's hurt and you try to mend things with her.

How do you not get into a fight? By not allowing yourself to fight. Someone says something that upsets you, but you walk away or change the subject. You don't HAVE to fight.

Good for you for recognizing you have a problem and trying to take steps to fix it. You got some good advice below. My friend who had a hair trigger temper swears that therapy is her life saver. She has been going once a week for years now and has a very good relationship with her therapist. You might have to try a few different therapists before you find one who is good. Anger is also a sign of depression...something you should talk to your doctor about. Antidepressants are not for forever...but they can help reset you back to normal. I know that for me depression makes everyone else seem annoying and I hate things. Also, start figuring out if your thyroid or hormones are off. Or if your adrenal gland is off. These are things to talk to your doctor about. See if there is a "functional medicine" doctor near you who takes your insurance. They will test all these things.

I would say talk to your doctor but also find something YOU enjoy doing or would want to do...it's easier said than done, I know. Sometimes talking to a stranger about what's going on in your life, they can give you amazing advice (like here) only in person. Or, try to realize what your really going to fight about before you do it. This might get you to think beforehand if it's really worth it. Always remember material things are replaceable; family and friends aren't. Hope this helps. Feel better. :)

Omg. I looked back to see what else you have written on and realized who you are.

Did you listen to anybody’s comments on your other posts?

If you are genuinely trying to change, that’s admirable. But if you don’t listen to what people have already told you, it won’t matter. Stop judging others. Stop crapping on others’ children. Stop acting like you are better than everyone. Do your job and pretend like you like people instead of looking for the worst in others. Stop trying to manage people according to your standards, like at your book club.

People will never like you if you don’t stop this stuff. If you don’t learn to accept that others make mistakes because they’re human, they will just be relieved when you are out of their lives.