Ok ladies, I've been struggling with what to do for a while. My daughter is 16, and is very open with me and easy to talk to. She has asked if I did drugs or alcohol when I was her age. This was pretty easy, I have never done drugs. I did admit to her that I tried alcohol and why it was dumb, risky, I hope she chooses differently, etc. I'm just waiting for her to ask me how old I was when I had sex and maybe how many partners I've had. I'm not sure what to say!
I was only 15 my first time. I got married when I was 19, so that kept my 'number' pretty low- I've only had 4 partners, including my husband. But that is an average of one partner per year until I got married, not exactly what I'd like for her. The truth is I was pretty insecure at that age and looking back I know I slept with these guys because I thought I was lucky to even have them like me and I would do whatever I had to keep them. Fairly typical story, but again- not what I'd like for her.
What should I tell her about me? I don't want to lie to her, and I feel like explaining that I regret becoming sexually active so early might be a little heavy for her. I'm not sure how to answer this, and I hate the do what I say not what I do thing. She does tend to take after me, and she thinks that I am so straight-laced now and probably always have been. I don't want to disappoint her. What would you all do? Hoping someone has actually had this conversation? I was a terrible teenager and regret a lot. I'm so glad that she is so open with me, but boy does that make it hard to know what to say sometimes!! Thank you in advance!
You ladies are awesome. Seriously. I'm definitely getting the theme of less is more if she asks me about this. But it's amazing how the slightly different perspectives all come together to round out one big, perfect answer. I had to laugh when I realized that you guys are right, she is not likely wanting to hear in depth answers about her mom and sex! And the other big takeaway is that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, I can tell her the age and why it was a mistake, and the normal feelings I had at that age that led to those decisions and why I hope she chooses better. But I don't need to tell her how many people I've been with, I can tell her that she may think she wants to know, but she can't 'unlearn' that and I think she's better off asking me again when she's married. :-) You guys told me just what I needed to hear- I tend to operate in black and white, and it is perfect to figure out the shades of gray in this. Looking forward to hearing more! Thank you so much!! This is me breathing a huge sigh of relief.
I think you can say that you had sex when you got married at age 19.
That's true, right?
Leave out the details of what happened before.
If she gets married at 19 too (less than three years from now), she will probably have sex at that time. Otherwise, the choices are hers to make.
You can tell her what you did without providing a blow by blow detailed report of every encounter and tell her that you wish you had done things differently, just as you would if you had drunk or done drugs.
I think in this case, it's healthy to set boundaries on how much you share. You might even just come right out and say something like "you know, there are some areas where parents really shouldn't share every detail of their lives and this is one of them. What I can tell you is that looking back, there were times where I went too far too young because in retrospect, I was insecure and wanted to make a boy happy. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell myself that those guys were lucky to date me and not the other way around, and that it's not worth compromising your values just to keep a boy." And talk about how common a feeling that is, and that while it's OK to be a sexual relationship before marriage (if you are OK with that), that step should be taken when she's in a respectful, good, safe relationship where she chooses to move ahead to that level out of desire and free will, not because she thinks she owes it to a guy. And that when she is ready for that step, it's imperative to be smart about it and talk to you (or her doctor) about it so that she can make informed choices about birth control and disease prevention and be getting the medical care that a sexually active young woman needs.
All that said...my two oldest are 18 and they've never even come close to asking about this in that personal a way. They would much rather pretend that parents are asexual beings and that they were spawned out of thin air.
She's your child not your peer so I think you don't need to have full disclosure on every single question she asks. There are some things you wish to keep private and I think its ok to let her know that. If she asks about your sex life let her know that you choose to keep that between your husband and yourself and steer the conversation toward the choices she can make and how these choices can impact her future.
Normally I don't think parents should share too much of the details with a teen, especially if they were very sexually active or did a lot of recreational drug use. I don't think it's a question of lying, but of sharing info when they are too young to really see it in perspective. I don't think it's necessary to be super open about everything just because a child or a teen asks.
But in your case, you married very young (19). You didn't have a whole huge number of partners, and you do regret the early experiences. You say that she sees you as "straight laced" and, what? You think she will think you have nothing in common with her, that you can't possibly understand? It's important to let her know that you appearing "straight laced" (as if that's a huge negative) is a choice you made.
I think it's really important that you convey the feelings you had about being "lucky to even have the boys like you" and the pressure to use your body (and give your body) as a sort of offering to them, a payment for keeping you in their esteem. I think you can communicate that whether you answer the "sex or no sex" question directly or not. If you normally have a very frank relationship with your daughter, it might be okay to tell her that you had sex at 15. She needs to know there's a strong sense of regret and of feeling worse afterwards. The risk is, she'll think you turned out okay and so it's no big deal if she does it at 16.
If talking about regret would be "too heavy" for her, then she's not ready for a sexual relationship. I think there are lots of factors in whether you tell someone your sexual history, and I can't really offer a firm opinion one way or the other without know you both. I think there are risks, that's all. I think you can consider raising the issue of privacy for her - that she will see all kinds of kids bragging about their sexual exploits and history and think it's okay to discuss all of this publicly. You can say you consider it private, but that you do look back on the pressures you felt with some dismay.
I think you can also raise the topic that what you want for her is one thing, and what she will do may be the same or it may be something else. But she needs to know about contraception and disease prevention from reliable medical professionals and counselors, not from "the street" or her friends or the internet, and certainly not from boys. She needs to know that the responsibility for protecting herself comes first, and the sex second. Someone who's not mature enough to see and do that is definitely not prepared for the realities of sexual activity.
I've found with our son, who is 14, that the general question is usually not the question..there is some other question underlying it that he's hesitant to ask. For me, the response has always been to ask: Tell me what it is you want to know. That way, he gets the questioned answered that he really wants answered, rather than my hitting him with a word tsunami of irrelevant information.
"I was pretty insecure at that age and looking back I know I slept with (a couple) guys because I thought I was lucky to even have them like me and I would do whatever I had to keep them."
Everyone is suggesting healthy boundaries, which is a good thing. I'd also say that you have one honest, succinct statement above. You don't have to go into detail. You can say that you regret having been intimate in relationships where you did not feel that you were on equal footing with the fellow, and that can lead to what is more productive-- a conversation about relationship dynamics, what's healthy, what's not. I would use that as a jumping-off point instead of *the point* of the conversation itself. You can also point out that intimacy between two best friends, as husband and wife should be, is so much better and more fun.
Sometimes, being 'straight-laced' is less about being 'uptight' and more about realizing what you *don't* want to do and don't need in your life. :)
I think J.B. is spot on and the spawning remark made me snort giggle! Our kids need to know we love them, what we think is smart and why. I also think the comment made by Gidget is very good too. I've never held to the belief that my kids would do something because that's what kids do. My daughter said yesterday that she had been invited in several occasions to join in with smoking pot or drinking. She said to them I have more at stake since I'm planning to go into law enforcement. I'm not going to throw away what I want to do to have the experience.
I've been honest with her about mistakes I've made but not every single detail.
Our kids are bright. They pay attention. Again, I would practice JB's response.
Why would it be bad to tell her that you did have sex when you were 15, that you did it for all the wrong reasons and that you wish you hadn't? Give her a little credit.
When I was a teen I often heard adults say that teens should be taught about birth control and specifically about condoms because, "They're going to have sex, so we might as well prepare them." Excuse me!!! I was unbelievably insulted by that statement. I chose not to have sex because I was old enough and mature enough to make that decision for myself (based on many, many reasons). I wish more adults have given me a little credit instead of assuming that I didn't have a brain.
She is going to make her own decision. Don't treat her like a child. Whether you choose to tell her this or not, by saying that explaining your past "might be a little heavy for her" you are saying that you were more mature at 15 than she is now at 16. Maybe she really can handle it.
kudos for having an open and frank relationship with your daughter! and likewise for refusing to lie (i hope you're refusing to lie to her.)
it can be nerve-wracking, i'm totally with you. i remember the first time my older son, after a DARE session at school, asked me if i'd ever smoked pot. when i said yes he put his rotten little nose in the air and huffed 'i'll never have the same respect for you again!' and marched off.
little snot.
:D
i didn't argue his perspective, but obviously i didn't permit any disrespect. and he got over it quickly and we laugh about it today.
you can be honest without burdening her with eeky details. and i think sharing with her your insecurities and foolish hopes that 'giving in' would somehow morph into twoo love. i sure did.
and way, way more often than you did.
i'd steer clear of long, soulful explanations. answer only what she asks, and then honestly and with a brief modifier. mine to my kids was something along the lines of 'i was 15, and i'm grateful it was with a boy i loved and who loved me. unfortunately i went on to make some poor choices, and i can see now that what seemed like freedom was actually terrible anxiety and poor self-image. i think you're a lot smarter than i was.'
kids aren't doomed to do what we did. it IS possible for them to benefit from our mistakes if we're careful about we present them.
and it sounds as if you are.
khairete
S.
Ok I'm with the moms saying you don't need to share every last detail. I don't know how many people my parents were involved with, and quite frankly, wouldn't want to know. I don't even know that about my sisters, and we're extremely close. For that matter, I don't know that about my best friend ...
I'm very open and frank with my kids about stuff. But if they asked me how many partners I've had, I'd say none of your business. I'm not sure exactly how that would be relevant to them.
The whole talk about being smart and caring about yourself talk - can be done without referencing what I did. Or in general terms.
My sex life is none of my kids business.
When our son is an independent adult with a job that can support himself and what ever family he decides to begin - then his is none of my business - but until then - if it's going to cost me money then you bet what he does is my business.
Good time to develop healthy boundaries.
I think this is totally your history and private. Do not reveal anything that you are hesitant about. This has no useful purpose for her.
I think that your daughter will have sex whenever she chooses to have sex. Not when you did. I think that there are a lot of good conversations to be had about letting her know that you started at 15. You can keep the number of partners to yourself (just say that it's your number to know - but don't worry, it's not a high number).
If you tell her that 15 is when you started and that you made good or bad choices - that will help her make better choices. It's also a good time to let her know that whatever she does, she should tell you so that you can navigate things like birth control and STDs together (and every feeling that comes with boys in general). Good luck!!
It's wonderful that you have such an open relationship with your daughter.
My mom and I have always been close, and I remember having the same conversation..I think I was around the same age as your daughter.. my mother gave me the basics, not so much on the details.. she had a high school boyfriend, they were serious, it was prom, etc. she also grilled me on the importance of coming to her if I did want to have sex, and the importance of protecting myself, etc.. but she trusted me, and knew I would make the best decision for myself.. that it is important to wait as long as you need..
My son will be 13 in December, so I know my husband and I will be having the " talk" soon enough.. however, he has already asked about if we used drugs when we were kids..( they had a "just say no " day at school) that was a fun conversation for me to have with him.. but I'm glad I was honest. I think they appreciate it more, and learn from our decisions if we gave them the basics..
