Need Help Talking to a Teen Girl About Sex

Hi O., I am a Mom of a 41/2 year old, so I haven't been there yet, but I have a great friend who speaks to kids about being "worth waiting for" and how damaging sexual activity can be for teens. She runs a non-profit called Positively Waiting. she has a blog, and she wrote an article recently about this. I would love to forward it to you. You can email me at ____@____.com or you can try to google "Positive in Control"

Hope that this helps. A.

Have you considered getting outside help? Planned Parenthood offices have counselors who will talk to her and give her lots of good factual information. They are an excellant organization and were very helpful with my daughter.

I would go buy a book that will give you tools -and words- for you to use to explain everything to her in an appropriate manner.

I highly suggest that you spend some time thinking about what your personal sexual values/beliefs are based on your sexual history and the "programming" your received as a teenager. As my daughter approached puberty I really had to determine whether I bought into the "abstinence is best" mantra or not. Turns out, I don't. You might and I respect that. I needed to reconcile my own 1980s pre AIDS sexual experience with my need to educate and prepare my children for a 2000's world. I will support my adult children with their sexual choices and strongly discourage them from being sexually active until they are indeed, my adult children. While these are my values, I would approach my 13 year old with a more general version than I would my future 16 year old. The point is to know how you feel so you can convey it to your kids in a way they can hear you.

My own personal values that I will pass on to my son and daughter are:
Your young body is designed for procreation so your sex hormones are very high now. It is normal for you to feel strong sexual urges and want to act on them. It is better to act on them independently (you know what I mean) than to put yourself at risk.
Sex involves serious emotional and physical risk. There are life long consequences from having sex like pregnancy, disease, heartbreak, loss of self respect.
Sex is not for children, so sex is not for middle or highschoolers. While your body is ready, your brain is not developed enough to handle it. There is way too much pressure to be sexually active in these fishbowls called school and no one should have sex just because they believe "everyone is doing it".
Making love to someone you are deeply committed to is the most amazing experience. Having sex with someone you don't love or doesn't love you can be soul destroying. A committment is a minimum of one year. That gives you time to fall in love (2 - 3 months), resist having sex and really get to know your partner through conversation, have your first fight and discover if you/they fight fair, discover what you loved about your partner initially actually drives you nuts or is actually tolerable, break up (3 - 7 months), maybe get back together, maybe repeat patterns or learn more communication skills, etc. until you either break up again, or remain committed to each other in a healthy mutually respectful relationship.
Whether you choose abstinence or to be sexually active ONCE you are out of the highschool hotbox and have reached an emotional maturity to handle the consequences is up to you. Respect yourself and your partner enough to always use condoms and alternate birth/disease control.
Be aware that using alcohol or drugs can make you suseptible to having unplanned and unprotected sex.
I am always here no matter what and I love you.

Just my thoughts.

Check out Advocates for Youth document "No Place Like Home for Sex Education" (it's on their website: www.advocatesforyouth.org). Talk to all your kids about it - not just your teen. The "no place like home" document give you appropriate topics for kids ages 3 through senior year of high school. If you start early with appropriate topics it not such a big deal to have "the Talk". Good luck.

I was just told this weekend that the American Girl store has a great book about the issue. I am about to look into it because although my daughter is only 18 months, I have nieces/nephews in the preteen stage. It is very important to talk to kids early about sex. I am a women's health nurse practioner and L&D nurse and have seen TOO many teens having babies and having sex as early as 11 years old. I am curious about this book as well and can't wait to check it out!

O. ~ I am no expert with this but I will share with you my experiences in raising 2 girls. I would think this would apply to boys as well. Be honest and truthful. Share with her your experiences growing up, no details about the actual act, but your feelings, whether or not you felt pressured from boys, girls, peers in general. I found that going on drives in the car my girls were stuck with me, could not get up and walk away and this is the location where some of our most honest talks took place. For me personally, all my girlfriends were having sex (or at least they said they were) prior to high school. I told my girls that you will nevr forget your first time, so make sure he is special. Don't just do it because you "think" everyone else is doing it. I explained to them the need for self-respect. I told them that boys do talk and will talk. I told them if you tell your friends, your friends will tell their friends and it is a cycle that repeats itself and then you have just one more thing to worry about at school. I told them there are too many worries in high school and you don't need to add: Will I get pregnant? How will I tell my parents? Will they be disappointed? Will I get a disease? If I do, will it last the rest of my life and how will I ever have another relationship after this? How will I tell my "true love" that I have a disease? Will I die from any disease I may get? How will I finish school? What about my education? Will I be able to go to school pregnant? what if the boy doesn't want to participate in my baby's life? How will I raise a child on my own? How will I be able to support it and on and on and on. There are too many possibilities and teenage years are so stressful as it is, that you just don't need to unnecessarily burden yourself for the sake of sex. It is it's most meaningful when you are married. With that said (and a lot more), I told my daughters that I would prefer that they wait until they are married, however, realistically I'm sure they will not. So I asked them to promise me they would wait until after high school and if they for some reason could not fulfill that promise if they would tell me so I could take them to the doctor and the doctor could speak to them about the medical issues and things of that nature.

I am happy to say my oldest daughter (now 21) came to me at 19 and said "I may want to have sex, not sure but will you go with me to the doctor to get birth control and talk about issues and consequences with my doctor?"

My youngest daughter (as far as she tells me) is not sexually active and she is finished with her first year of college.

I guess, to finish up this endless message, I would just always keep communication open with them and always let them know you are there for them, without judgment. I have always told me girls that even though I may get angry with them and the choices they make, there is absolutely nothing they could possibly do that would make me not love them and they should always feel free to discuss anything with me.

Have this conversation with all of your children. Kids today are far more advanced in so many areas than we were at their ages.

Good luck and I truly hope this helps.

Hi O.,
Dr James Dobson has a great book "Preparing for Adolescence" which we used with my children. It is suppose to be used for about 11-12 years olds, but she could read it and then you could discuss it with her. It is not only on sex, but on peer pressure and acceptance as a teen. You should read it too before discussing it with her. The neat thing is following the suggestion of Dr. Dobson and taking the girl/boy out on a special "date" with the parent of the same sex after she/he has finished reading the book to discuss it. Mine got to choose the restaurant and really looked forward to it.
It is not hard reading and a 14 year old should be able to read it quite quickly. During the summer would be a good time to do it because she will have less homework demands.
H.

Hi O.!

I am not to that point yet with my little girl. However, I certainly remember being told about sex. The best advice I can give is to LISTEN. Find out first what she knows, what she doesn't. If you just ask her about it and tell her she can speak freely - don't make her feel badly for using "dirty" words as she may not know what the proper words are for such things. Just get her to talk. Then you can figure out how to approach it from there. Good luck!

S.

Whatever you say to her, the most important thing is to do it NOW rather than later, otherwise she will learn about it from peers at school and think it is okay or acceptable. Talk with her about consequences of sex (unwanted pregnancy, diseases, etc.) With all the celebrities like Jamie Lynn Spears, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, etc. making bad choices that gives you an easy way to open up dialogue about personal choices/sex . Ask her "What do you think about so and so?" "Do you think her choices were wise?, etc. Just let her know that you care and will be there to talk if she needs to. Be sure to inform her about birth control. Go to the dr. with her and the dr. can help you with this part of the conversation if needed. Don't hesitate to let her know that you will have her tested for drug use, STD's, etc. if you suspect that she is making choices which are harmful. Good luck in your situation.

Some of the best advice (and that's worked well) I've received is to cut it up into small chunks, don't try to do it all at once. Find out what she knows already too. Ask questions. And sometimes it's aesier for them if you do it while doing something else together like driving, playing cards, etc.

G.

Hi O., My husband and I both talked to our daughter, my husband talked to her about the guy side of things, and how they will say and do just about anything to get her out of her clothes, which is the truth for the most part, and I talked real to my daughter, I told her sex was for married couples, and I also told her that it is anything but pleasant the first time if it is not with the right person and the right time. My daughter was raised inthe church so it was easier, and I am happy to share that my daughter is 19 and her purity in in tack. J.

Hi O.,

At 14, your daughter knows a lot about sex already, though some of it probably erroneous. Get a good book, directed to teens, and leave it for her to read. At least it may correct some of her ideas. Let her know you're available for any discussion. You can get ideas about what is a good book from knowlegable staff at a bookstore or maybe a school counselor. If your daughter is willing to discuss it with you, you could read the book first and then, when she has read it, you can talk about it.

V.

Quite honestly, you're starting a bit late to put your spin on sex. I have teenagers, and by 14 your child has most likely already asked her friends, internet etc. Depending on the childs maturity level I'd have this chat closer to 10 or 11. You can do the same thing re of age.

Having said that, check out the book "From Conception to Birth". It shows the fetal developeent and I found it a great way to introduce the subject. I then briefly discussed the mechanics Aftr checking out the images I've always listened to my childs questions. Answer these truthfully - based on their questions the'll let you know what they need to hear.

I've also made sure not to approach this in a negative, uptight manner, and to make sure that my kids knew that if and when to have sex was their choice, not anyone elses (boys). I've tried to make it safe for my kids to come to me at any times with questions etc. Your daughter needs to know that it's a question of self love and self respect.

Good luck, and you might want to conisider talking to your other kids earlier.

If you are trying to get the biological points across you should talk to her school nurse and find out what she's already been taught so you can build on that. If you want to stress the reprocusions of teen sex you should look into taking her to tour a local teen pregnancy house. Check with your local county health services they should have the info. I know that when I was younger if either of my parents had tried to have the sex talk with me I would have been really nervous and embarassed so tread softly.

O.:

I have read the responses given and want to say that there was plenty of information to choose from, plenty of great advice. I was looking for some specific information because I didn not wish to belabor what had already been wirtten.

Let me say I understand where you are coming from. As a mother of three girls, 28, 26, and 12, I have seen an evloution in the need for greater and sooner preparation since my own teen years (I am also the eldest of three girls) through this present day.

It is true that your daughter may already know more than you realize and more thatn she maturely knows what to do with. There may also be some things which she does not know, or refuses to believe can happen to her.

As a community health educator, I have learned that the advice given for many years is terribly insufficient. Know this, the decision to have random or uninformed sex can become a matter of life and death. It is no longer simply and issue of antibiotics, birth cotrol pills, a visit to planned parenthood to end an unwanted pregnancy, or a visit to a hospital or fire station to surrender and unwanted infant.

Today, if you "catch" a baby, you may also catch an STI (sexually transmitted infection), veneral warts (perhaps leading to cervical cancer), herpes (a life-long and painful condition), or HIV (at a sadly, ever more increasing rate).

Consider having your child be a part of the information gathering process through web searches and other information searches. This way you can learn together (you will be surprised, amazed and even struggle with disbelief at some of what you will find out)and you may prevent coming off as a know-it-all dictator. You may say somthing like,"you're at an age whare you need to be informed about sexual issues and I'm at a place where I need to update and expand my knowledge, so let's do it together." This opens up channels for discussion of wht is being learned. Don't be afraid to appear human, i.e., vulnerable.

It is possible that some of the information gleaned may be frightening, but is is better that she be frighteningly informed rather than risk her life being uninformed. Also the fear can be abated by making healthy informed choices. Mere minutes of pleasure versus lifelong, life-threating consequences.

She may also try to take the position, since the information and statistics are about other people, that the negative consequences happen to others and will not happen to her. It may help to inform her that to other people, she is other people so that means that she is not immune to being affected or infected and it can happen to her. These diseases are not transmitted by engraved invitation, with prescision, or selectively. It can be likened to a game of chance or Russian roulette.

The pill alone PROTECTS your chlid from pregnancy alone (and this is less than 100%). PROPER condom use PROTECTS against disease (and this is less than 100%). Abstinence PREVENTS both, and is 100% effective. The safest sex is no sex, and grown up actions can be accompanied by grown up consequences.

After saying all this, I can also share from experience that the final choice will ever remain your daughters and your only benefit may be the knowledge that you did what you were morally required to do as a loving mother.

Hi O.: My oldest girls are 10 and 12 and I asked them about 6 months ago or so what they had heard about Jamie lynn Spears (Britney's pregnant younger sister who just had her baby at age 17 last week). Their answers were interesting and gave me insight into how much they really knew. So we talked some about Jamie's choices, how she got pregnant in fairly general terms (they were both grossed out and my husband was embarrassed), and how they thought about her predicament. It was something like that. I find an ongoing discussion of real-life people, be it celebrities, friends, or relatives is an easier way to approach the "sex" topic. Also, finding out what her friends are talking about, what she hears and learns at school, and what she's reading or listening to on the internet are very helpful in knowing what she already knows and then finding out what she thinks about sex, boys, etc. Taking stock of your values and beliefs is vital in knowing what you expect from her and what you believe is right and wrong. Do you believe that she can remain a virgin till she's married, or is that not something you feel is reasonable? Just know how your views will influence her and how you want her to view sexual activity. Also, get some good books from the library. There are many good ones out there to look over. You'll come across one that would be the best fit for you and her. Also, get her Dad involved as much as he's willing to. And remember to think in terms of an ongoing dialogue between you and her and to be approachable so that she feels comfortable talking to you first, and not just her friends. What a task! I have 5 daughters and one on the way. We go to a great church where the teenagers don't date, but have fun in groups. I've watched many of them get married, finish college, start having families - all without being sexually active before marriage. They stay in the church so they get the support and help that youg marriages need and they seem pretty happy. I'm relieved for their expamples to my daughters, but know how diligent I need to be in discussing this area with them honestly and steadily. God bless you!

Be open, and use experiances from friends or yourself. Remember she might think this is totally gross, both my 17 1/2 and 12 1/2 still think it's absolutly discusting. And I'm glad, that will keep them good kids for awhile. All it takes is one guy to change their feelings. My girls are very open with their thoughts on this matter. I also told them that they can tell me anything I will always be there to help them out. My sister toke her kids past the free clinic and said this: Here it is, I know I will be the last one to know, I won't be affended in anyway if you come here on your own and get birth control. If for any reason you end up pregnant you can come to me I won't be mad, just sad that it happened to you. If for any reason you feel you can't tell me and you chose other methods, this is fine too. If you need to get rid of the baby simply take it to a hospital and tell them you don't want anything to do with it. They will take the baby no questions asked. But please know that there is nothing we can't handle together. If you have questions please come to me, we'll figure it out together. And then keep up the talk ask her about her friends occasionaly. Make it easy for her to ask questions. Good luck! J.

Hi O.-

You have some great advise and some good books to read, so I won't go there but I wanted to share what I just did with my 12 year old daughter. She and stayed at a very nice hotel in Mission Bay and talked asbout sex and her body changing. I made it very low key, we talked a bit, and then we played at the pool and ate. The next morning she woke up and had tons of questions for me!
Anyway, it worked well for us, it really improved our relationship, was fun, and got us away from our daily lives. If you do decide to go for a hotel, we used hotwire.com and got the hotel for cheap!

I would go to a book store to see what they have on the topic. Good luck! :)

best time I talked with my daughter was when we were alone in the car, I brought up the sunject and away we went, I did not cut corners, I just said I know this might be embarashing,but I would rather you hear it from me than others... if you don't act shy about she won't be. Your a little late in talking to her, but better late than never, Most likely she has heard most of it at school.

Good luck

My mom was really honest with me and I appreciate it to this day. She told me that sex does feel good and it is something that I should experience, eventually. She told me that for a woman it is very difficult for it to feel good and that the man really does need to know what he's doing. It's not the kind of knowledge a man gains by number but by age and wisdom so it's not really worth it for us to have sex so early. That and she said regardless of what we want to feel we will get attached to who we have sex with as woman. It's a part of our biology. She told me that is especially true for the first and the younger we are. There is a comfort needed with our body and the other sex that really only comes with age. She then mentioned again how it's really not good at all for a woman when the man does not know what he's doing. She also talked to me about control and emotional control, that it's something I had yet to experience and that I needed to be careful who I gave that to.

I was 12 yrs old and I waited until I was 18 and it was with my second serious boyfriend. I still hold that true. Now in days you may want to even mention that it's likely she'll have more than one partner but to choose that partner wisely, about getting tested, protection, etc. My brothers discussed all those things other than protection with me when I was around 16. They broke down men for me. Kind of scary hahaha.

Anyway, I listened and I respected her for that. We weren't particularly close at the time but I listened and I never forgot that conversation. it really gave me a different view from the whole you can't and you are too immature etc etc.

P.S. (from a Mommy that didn't have a mom to talk to when I was growing up/ and made a ton of bad choices) for me the pressure started at 13 yrs old, and that was 'old' back then. So please please don't approach her as if she still thinks a stork brings babies. I know you want the best... that is to respect the fact that she probably knows way more than you are comfortable with. Prepare yourself for that before the fact and don't let yourself get riled up. If you guys don't have a 'open' relationship, she may try to put you off by scaring you with too many scary things! =) Be ready.

Oh, and from someone that NEVER had boundaries placed on me... what I could and couldn't do... please don't believe her that she wants to do whatever she WANTS to do. Truthfully while she may be mad at you for a minute (or two) she'll thank you later. There were adults in my life that really should have put some limits to what I should have worn or how late I could've stayed out... I have less respect for them today because they didn't do so.

good Luck!

If you are looking for a respectful, edifying, value-inspiring approach to the subject there are some real gems available to parents these days. Thank heavens, we have a lot more choices than our parents had back when we were little.

First, have you read The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute? This book will prepare your heart for the approach I mentioned above. It is presently a bestseller.

Richard and Linda Eyre wrote a number of books on this subject. One is called Teaching Your Children Values and the other is called How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It's Best to Start Early, but It's Never Too Late -- A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents.

Lastly, specifically for your daughter. There is a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. If she wants to be the captain of her life, this will do it! My daughter is presently reading it and it has been rocket fuel for her development.

I taught a Sunday School class and I asked my kids to write down what they wanted in a spouse when they got married.

This made them look at things in a different light as they had to think about living up to a list made by someone else. Do they want to marry someone that has been used by an assortment of people?

It is important, I feel, to talk about the consequenses of sex not only in the immoral light but also in a more Biblical sense. By that I mean multiple sex partners leave multiple memories and comparisons. Women are more inclined to get cervical cancer with multiple partners.

I am dealing with this issue with my grandson now and it is a difficult avenue to get across. I gave him a book about remaining pure and it worked until just lately. He lives in Fl and I in Ca so I don't have an oppurtunity to talk face to face much. But we do talk openly and freely on many subjects so I can broach this one.

There is also the value issue. I regret my parents did not instill in me that I was more valuable to the world in general and men in particular than for what I sat on and how I looked. At 51 I am now able to NOT look to see who is looking at me and wondering if I am sexy enough to be a valid woman. Discuss her value with her and what she wants to be valued for. Does Dad do date nights with her?

My daughter was great until I let her go to stay with my own mother for a summer visit at the age of 15. So you see that it is something that is in our nature and habit and the cycle must be broken.

We women are sacred vesels and we need to understand that at a young age. Not that men are not obligated to control themselves also but it it a girl we are talking about here. Let her know that she has value and what she has is a gift that can only be given once.

Good luck, God bless and guide you.

Ask her what she knows and start from there. Be truthful, yes even if it means admitting that pleasure is often involved, but not always, but only if she asks. Tell her that is it better to abstain because those emotions always get in the way of concentrating on other important things. She needs to be mature enough to handle that type of relationship. And even some adults don't know how to handle a sexual relationship. Tell her that boys somtimes lie to get you to do it (this is not just a cliche')Tell her the importance of the responsilibity. And tell her that she can come to you with any questions. At 14 she probably knows plenty (acurate and inacurate) The rest only you know what you want to share.
My Mom told the truth and I am so greatful for that. She was very religious, but understood the world. Hope this helps. Good luck! :)

I am assuming you want to educate her about it and encourage abstinence?I am not sure what faith what family practices. But i think it is wonderful teach a girl about her body and how God designed it, and what it was designed for. To teach how beautiful she is in Gods eyes. Show her the value of her body (many scriptures in the Bible). People respect things when there is value placed on it. Lots of girls are making bad descions these days because they do not respect thoer bodies.
There is a pregnancy center in San Marcos that has some neat videos on abstinence, and neat "up to date" free fliers you could swing by and pick up for her and you to read together. Let me know if you want the number.
Let her know the consequences of pre marital sex. 1 in 4 teens have an STD. Now we have Herpes and HPV which will stay with you for life. Umplanned pregnancy , heartbreak from boys.....
Good luck, it is a good thing to discuss

Hello O.! If this info is for the 14 year old, I'm sure she already knows "all" about sex, from her friends or books, or movies, or even school, so fill in the blanks. Be open and honest with her. One piece of advice I can always give, that I wish someone would have told me when I was growing up, is that boys (men) will say anything to get you into bed and sex does not equal love. Explain that at her age, she will have hormonal changes and will feel the urge, but suggest that she wait for that someone special (which is unheard of these days, but it doesn't hurt to reinforce that theory!). Get her on some type of birth control if she is already not on any, whether it is the pill, Depo-Provera, an IUD, etc.. whatever the both of you feel comfortable with it and if your religion allows it. Please explain to her the dangers of STD's, some are treatable, some aren't and that sex will always be around. If she is still a virgin, she may hear you; if she isn't, it's going to go in one ear and out the other. If she is already having sex, then she will think she knows it all already. Some of the tactics I've used are to tell my kids stories of kids their age and the consequences of sex. Of course, I have included my own dreadful stories as well, and can only hope they make the right choices and decisions. BEST of luck to you, and remember, one of the most important things, whether she is having sex or planning on having sex, no matter WHAT excuse the guy gives her, always insist that he wear a condom. No glove, no love!
Also, teach her the inportance of respecting herself!

Share some of your experiences with her. This will display your trust in her and will encourage her to display her trust in you. It will also help her understand that you take this topic very seriously and are willing to help her learn through not just the typical lectures and rules but by true heart felt wisdom that only comes from developing your own sexuality. Since this part of life has a lot to do with connecting the ability to balance our emotional & physical needs at the same time it requires much sensitivity to being able to first establish what are true needs are. Establishing the "open door" foundation will enable her to come to you to sort her thoughts to figure out her needs which will in turn help her decide how she will fulfill them. Good luck & take care.

please share your research, I"m in the same boat :(