My son is 6 and invariably at the same time every night he will come into my room and want to get in. My husband gets angry because he thinks I'm delusional that this won't effect him seriously in the long run. My husband will start referring to Freud. Where he says it's textbook and that I am creating a pedophile, or a child that will show feminine characteristics, and won't become a successful adult, etc. etc. etc. He thinks I need to cut the ties. Sure I understand that point. He's my last child. But, i know being the one who raises him 96% of the time that im not worried. I love it when both my daughter, 8, and him want to snuggle on Sunday afternoons. This will not last too much longer. Before you know it they won't even want to look at me. There is a pattern. He will get used to doing so as a habit soon after he gets over some illness. Then after a few nights, he's back to staying in his bed. He used to sleep in his sisters room up til not too long ago. When I was tired of them giggling til late. They are so close that this was one of their stages. They both didn't mind. He's just so used to having someone always there, literally in the room. Not a latch key kid at all, just I believe at a stage where he needs the company.
I suggested to my husband why not spend more time with him. Which he so rarely does unless there is no golf on tv or I force an outing to the store. He never takes our son out on their own for father son bonding. I'm the one who throws the ball with him out back. I will take my daughter alone for girl time because I thinks it's important. What i think, is that my husband who majored in psychology in college(20 years ago), should apply this knowledge not only to me but to himself as well. Right?
Again, our son is very well adjusted. He potty trained himself at 2 years. He never sucked his thumb, never got attached to a binky. He's the most social kid in his kindergarten class. He's going through the same stage our daughter did at that age. Wanting to never sleep in her own room, always said she couldn't fall asleep. And, now, she's in her room, falling to sleep on her own. And, yes, I will lay with my son, read to him, all to soothe him, and calm him to fall asleep. But, like his sister did, will come down later, looking exhausted, and wanting to sleep with me or waking me up at 3:36am to crawl into bed. I really believe, simply, he wakes up in the middle of the night, realizes he is chilly, blanket all pulled off, easier to go to the bathroom and then Mom's bed that is all warm and suggly. My husband thinks it's more "involved" than that. Im like good lord, don't we have enough in the world to worry about.
I'm putting this issue out there for discussion because I'm very interested to hear what others think or feel about this issue. Plus, I'm tired of my husband making me feel like I'm crazy and delusional. :)
It seems to me that you husband is an "educated" man who doesn't know very much! Sorry, just my opinion.....good luck!
It was never like a habit but my kids were teens and still crawling into bed with us. If there wasn't room they slept on the floor. It was usually when there was a storm as teens and bad dreams as older children. The regular climbing into the bed ended around 2.
I read an article recently that stated co-sleeping does not do any damage. This is something children do when they want to be comforted. I cannot understand why humans are the ONLY mammals that push their babies away at birth, all other mammals co-sleep.
My daughter still sleeps with me and she is 5, my hubby doesn’t mind (we make time for each other at different times) and he knows that one day she will grow out of it. There are days when I want to cuddle up to my own mother and I am 41.
Uh lets see. I last slept with my dad in his tiny hospital bed for three straight nights (this January 2012) when he was 89 and I was well (my age). He died that same week. So, my answer is NEVER too old.
... when I was a child... I would, creep down our LONG dark scary hallway... just to go to sleep with my parents and squeeze in between them.
They let me. They did not over think it. They knew I was just a young child like your son... and that was it.
I LOVED being with my parents... .even if I had my own room and my sibling near by.
I grew out of it. My parents knew I would.
No big deal.
No over analyzing it.
I grew up more confident and independent than my sibling that did not do that. I was normal and adjusted. And had a great relationship with my parents on many levels.
That my parents let me... is one of my FONDEST memories of my parents, of when I was a child. How a child goes to bed or not, and the battles or not associated with it... will be remembered by a child, and then as a grown up... because it will either be a good memory or not.
In fact, my sibling that did not do that and would make fun of me for going to sleep with my parents... well she grew up with tons more problems and is more cold hearted in many ways. And she never felt close, to my parents.
Next: your Husband needs to spend time with his son.
Geez. that is is a no brainer... regardless of his education or not.
I have a degree in the Behavioral Sciences.
Freud... OMG, puhleease!
Kids... go through age stages and various stages of general developmental based "fears" night time fears and needs for comforting or just wanting some reciprocal caring.
And yes, one day, they will not even want to hug you or go near you.
You toggle... a child's needs for being themselves and for knowing when an age related stage, is occurring.
My Husband's Dad... never bonded with him nor did anything with him. My Husband remembers that and it created a lot of problems... in the sons. ALL of the sons. Because, their Dad... was never involved or present in their lives directly... nor even just for comfort.
That... is not good and is a no brainer.
When my late Dad had kids... he stopped going Golfing or out with the boys, every weekend. He spent TIME with his kids.
That is what a Grown-Up, Dad does.
*You are not crazy and delusional.
Your Husband... is.
Tell your husband that the writings of Freud were debunked years ago in the psychology community.
There is no more "involved" reason for your son's wanting to crawl into your bed than it is warm, comfortable, and safe. Your husband's attitude toward it and him could do more damage. I agree that he should be spending Dad time with his son. Starting now.
My almost 10 year-old daughte sleeps with me often. I don't have any problem with this - unless she steals the covers!
He will naturally not want to sleep with you in the next couple years. My husband who was a Marine (Force Recon) and now a police officer slept with his mom/dad until he was around 7/8. My husband is not a pedophile and definitely does not show feminine characteristics.
Even my 13 year old likes to sleep in our bed if her Dad is away sometimes. Sunday mornings you might find both kids snuggled in our bed reading or watching TV.
I find your post kind of sad:
1. Cut the ties at 6 years old???
2. Freud was an idiot!
3. Your husband thinks your son will become a pedophile or gay if you snuggle with him too much at 6?
4. Your husband's way of connecting with his son is a forced outing to the store as long as there is no golf on TV?!
Trust me, your son will grow up to have a lot more hang ups from a disengaged, distant Father then from the fact that he like to occasionally climb in bed with you at 6 years old.
I can't imagine not letting my 6 year old crawl in bed next to me or my husband for some snuggles or sleep. Six year olds are just bitty little things, practically babies in the big scheme of things. We pick him up, smother him with hugs and kisses and lay down with our little guy all the time. My almost-8-year-old son will nap with me or my husband too and still likes an early morning snuggle every now and again. My oldest is 13 and I can't remember the last time he slept with us...probably no older than 9 or maybe 10 at the latest.
Your son will outgrow this in due time...6 is not the time.
I think your husband has some issues that he needs to work out. You sound totally normal to me.
I haven't read your long post. I want to just answer your initial question. One is never too old to want to crawl into bed and sleep with mommy. Until the day my mother died I wanted to sleep in the same bed with her. I always felt warm and cared for just by being that near to her.
That doesn't mean that children have to sleep with parents. I suggest that there is no magic age at which you teach them to sleep in their own beds. It's a complicated decision. My parents always let us sleep with them when life was chaotic or we were facing a new challenge. Doing so helped to build our confidence. We were OK because Mom and Dad appreciated our fears.
When I had a foster child who was going through trauma I let her sleep with me. We could not get enough positive action during the day. She was angry and defensive and wouldn't allow closeness. But at night when she was the most fearful sleeping in the same room allowed for bonding.
Sounds like your husband isn't able to spend much time with the kids during the day. I suggest that cuddling with them, even for short periods, is important to their relationship.
Counter balance your husband's Freudian bend by showing him other resources. There are some good books about the family bed and how it helps to build independent confident children.
Many men are jealous of their wife's closeness to their son. I suggest that this is the cause of your husband's insistence that you not sleep with your son. Of course, he's not aware of it. But that is a Freudian concept that you can take refuge in. Perhaps do some reading about Freudian theory so that you can have a two way conversation with your husband.
You allowing your children to get in bed with you definitely will not cause your son to be a pedophile or feminine. Here's another idea that is not Freudian but his reaction is Freudian. His fear can be explained in Freudian terms.
I suggest that your husband is insecure in his masculinity and jealous of your son's relationship with you. I'm not sure that knowledge will be helpful except that it will allow you to feel more confident in what you're doing. You are NOT damaging your son.
I would ask your husband to show you the textbook explanation in writings from Freud. He won't be able to and will get angry but it might cause him to stop and think. However, I suggest that, unless he's wiling to look at another side of the issue, he will not change.
That leaves you with the choice to continue fighting over it or to let go of trying to convince him and do what you think is best or even to stop letting your son sleep with you.
I would have a hard time not letting him sleep with me. Both of my grandchildren, ages 11 and 8 stay overnight with me one night/week and because I don't have a spare bed, sleep with me. All 3 of us enjoy this time that allows us to cuddle before going to sleep or when waking up in the morning or not. Sleeping together just is. It's not right or wrong, in it's self. It's what works for us.
I think your husband's "reasoning" is bunk. Your 6 yo child is not going to develop into a pedophile, a feminized male or become a loser because he'd like to sleep in mom and dad's bed. Now, if your husband had said, "I don't like sleeping with the kids/ there's not enough room in our bed/ I want to get naked in bed with you" as his reasoning, OK THEN. Those reasons I can understand.
We shared a family bed from 6 months to around 2 years old w/ our daughter. She's 6 now and sometimes still asks to sleep in our bed on a weekend night. To us, it's no big deal. The only thing that's starting to bother me is that I no longer sleep well when she's crashing our bed because there's not enough room for me to thrash about.
I think your husband needs to drop citing Freud (who is a whack job in my mind anyway) and start sharing in the lives of his children again. So I'm with you on this one.
My husband is out of town this week. I'm pretty sure, at least one or two of those nights (hopefully not all five nights), a child will be in my bed hogging the covers...and they're 14, 11 and 9! I also remember, as a teen even, sleeping in my parents' bed when dad was away on business or something. Sometimes my sister and I would BOTH be in there. And we turned out just fine, just like my kids will. And yours.
Well, when your husband throws Freud at you (eyeroll), tell him you agree.. that your husband's lack of time with his son and manly influence is even more harmful.
My 6 yr old son crawls into bed with us maybe once a week. (And he does share a room with his little brother too). He is allowed to stay for an hour or so, then he has to get back in bed. Some days he just needs that extra cuddle time and assurance. We welcome it, but he also knows that mommy and daddy need our private space and that he needs to be able to sooth on his own too. If it was nightly thing, I would try and limit that. What we did for those times when he constantly wants to be with us, is he is allowed to bring his sleeping bag and pillow in our room and lay next to our bed on the floor. It works for everyone.
The only thing I can think of is the song "Cat in the Cracle" by Cat Stevens. When the dad had time for the boy, the boy had grown up and had no time for him.
Dad needs to go out and bond with son. Dad needs to forget about his needs to help his son become a man.
He's fine wanting to cuddle with mom for a bit longer. Soon these days will be gone.
Keep your chin up and continue on.
The other S.
PS I just told my son about this same situation about the me (bowling) rather than going to the Parent/Teacher conference. It tells the child that he/she is not important that the sport or whatever takes precedence. Actions speak louder than words.
I have four kids. THree are still home.
My 16 yo daughter still crawls in with us to watch a movie on occasion, then falls asleep, she'll go back to her own bed by the end of the movie though. My 11 yo is in every so often, like last Friday night. My 14 yo will fall asleep in our bed and it's my hubby who still "can't wake the baby".
All my kids are well adjusterd, loving, social. I do not see my 11 yo boy being effeminate. HAHA No he wants to be a Marine, or today a Hoplite Soldier and take out the Phoenicians. (We're studying ancient Greece )
By the time he is 18 he will not be sleeping with mommy. And that Marine wanna-be, slept with me for almost 2 years from 6-8. Daddy had two deployments and then we had a move.
Your son will be fine.
Since hubby is into psychology maybe you could interest him in taking a more up to date child development/parenting course together. Might help update his attitude. My daughter is 5 1/2 and doesn't often crawl in bed with us but she still does occasionally, especially on a chilly night. It's simply warm and comfy with Mommy! I usually take her back to bed after a few minutes but sometimes I don't even notice she's there and just find her in the morning! It's no biggie and she is a completely normal kid. And hubby definitely should do more with him! He's old enough for golf lessons - maybe Dad will take him if that's his thing!
6 is so little. my son is 5 1/2, and while he does not climb into our bed (he has never been allowed to sleep with us) he will often get up to go to the bathroom, have a bad dream, wake up for some other random reason, and come in and get me. i will take him to his bed and tuck him back in, a few snuggles, etc. the only difference is you do it in your bed, which is fine. 6 is LITTLE. i think your husband sounds distant and afraid to connect with his child. i'm surprised that he has a psychology degree. then again, no i'm not. i remember my intro to psych class being ridiculously tedious and containing nothing but memorizing OTHER people's opinions. and a lot of bs about freud. yeah. not a big fan of the field. plus it was 20 years ago which means a lot of what he learned is probably outdated anyway.
i don't envy your situation and i don't know how to get your husband to see the light, but i do agree with you, and think he is wrong.
Freud was brilliant, and he was one of the first psychologists to delve into human behavior as he did, but has been generally disproven, you know. Your husband's knowledge of psychology appears to be rudimentary at best (and certainly not up-to-date).
I think I stopped coming into my parents' bed when I hit my teens?
Actually, I think it is an intensly personal decision. My own personal opinion is that any age is too old. But I realize that is just me. I cannot stand having a child in my bed. I'm a very light sleeper and any moving kicking, sighing, coughing, etc will wake me. I have zero patience for it, so I never allowed it with any of my 4. That doesn't mean that I think it is wrong for other parents. Like I said it is a very personal decision. However, I would suggest that the two parents need to be together in it. I'm sure that you ignoring your husband's wishes is as irritating for him as him ignoring your wishes is to you. It is 50% his bed, and he is 50% the parent. I think you and he need to find a compromise that you both are happy with.
My husband crawled into bed with his parents at 17! He did it in his sleep and was mortified and asked why his mother let him do it!! That said, my ln laws allowed all their kids to crawl in bed with them until they outgrew it. some where adolescence and they are all normal and well adjusted. If its not a sleep disturbance or privacy issue, then I'd say this is a non issue at 6.
You're funny... I don't think it's too old at all. I remember going to my parents bed in a house I didn't live in until I was 10 so I must have been at least 10. A scary movie would set me off once in awhile. Your son is still only 6 and sounds like he's doing great so ignore your husband. Main reason to stop it is bc it'll get so disruptive to your sleep but if he typically gets over these phases himself, no big deal and more evidence nothing sinister is going to develop from this.
Would you guys be up for meeting in the middle with this issue? Like... how about your son gets a certain day of the week to sleep in your bed?
My twins used to both sleep in my bed with my husband and me on Friday nights. Then at 6 or 7 yrs old, it got too crowded for me with the 4 of us and I didn't get solid sleep. (My husband didn't mind at all, but I just couldn't handle the kicking and constant moving from the kids in the the middle of us. So I changed the rule to... my son gets Friday nights and my daughter gets Saturday nights.
My nephew is 15 yrs. old and is a well adusted boy. Anyway, he often crawled in his mom and dad's bed until he was 11 or 12 yrs. old.
My brother (his dad) wasn't often in the bed though since he often falls asleep on the couch watching tv. (So I guess it wasn't crowded for my sil with just her son.)
I think it's fun for kids to sleep in rooms other than their own. My kids will sometimes watch a movie (about once a month) with their sleeping bags on the floor in the family room. This is a special treat and done on a Thursday or Sunday when there is no school the next day due to an institute day or something. I let them do this a bit more often during summer vacation.
Every night until last year, it was a ritual to have the 4 of us "chill" on my bed with a story. Then we'd talk and ask silly questions sometimes like... Would you rather eat _________________ or smell _____________. The sentences were disgusting sometimes and it would make us all crack up. Then they would go in their own bedrooms and we would be there to give them their final kiss of the night. This routine would be about 30 min. nightly. We still do this but not every night. Like tonight we are watching a tv show together and there won't be time for hanging out on my bed together. Oh... and they still love being carried into their rooms, but they're too heavy for me these days as 10 yr. olds! My husband will do it as long as they want him to. It's funny how different my son is around his friends though... like no kissing him or carrying him.So if they still want to act little around us, that's totally fine.
We don't have anymore little ones to follow. Time is so precious. I hope your husband lightens up a bit on this issue. At least compromising to some extend.
~J.
I think it all depends on the child, the parents and the family dynamic. There isn't a "right" answer.
If your husband can't sleep with another person in the bed or you can't then it might be time to walk him back to his own bed. My SD has wanted to sleep with us whenever she can (she used to sleep with Daddy before I came along) and we found out that NO ONE gets a good night's sleep when she's in the bed. She kicks and moves around, waking her father and I up multiple times. Then she wakes up because she's hot. Everyone is crabby the next day so it's not worth it. We found this out early on, so if she has a bad dream we pull her in the bed, give her lots of snuggles and love, and then my hubby carries her back to bed once she's fallen asleep. We've been doing this since she was 7. That's what works for us, but it may not be the solution for everyone else.
Your son won't grow up to be a pedophile or have female characteristics. I suspect your husband doesn't actually believe that but probably wants his privacy.
Can you come to a compromise since marriages are about compromise? Perhaps you can snuggle with him and then bring him back to his own bed, or maybe you can snuggle in his bed with him until he falls back asleep? I think the question is not "will this hurt your son" but rather, "will this hurt your marriage?" You both need to be on the same page.
Your husband should not make you feel like you're delusional, but he does deserve a say in what goes on in his bedroom and bed.
In reference to your specific question, there is nothing wrong with you or your son, and nothing wrong with what he's doing. Perfectly normal. (This is from a real, licensed psychologist, not someone who "majored" in psychology in college).
Nothing against good old Freud, but your husband would do well to ditch theories and get out there and spend some real time doing fun things with his son.
Relax, momma, and go with what you know is true.
Best to you and your family,
J. F.
Puberty is too old to climb in bed with us.
However, I did sit at one end of the couch and have my 19 yr old girl lay on the couch with her heaad on my lap recently. She was sick and needed her mommy.
Buy your husband a copy of "L'll Love You Forver"
Honestly, I don't think it is a big issue unless you, your husband or your son aren't sleeping b/c of it. But i really don't think it will lead to longterm effects in your son. My daughter is the same age and thankfully doesn't wake up much (younger sister comes in our bed EVERY night though) but if given the chance she would definitely sleep in our bed. Sometimes we let her sleep there all night as a special occasion (e.g. my husband was out of town so all 3 of us girls slept in one bed - very cool for my kids, nice for me to cuddle but a little squishy in the bed lol!). I really don't think there is anything inherently wrong with it though.
We aren't there as yet, because DS is only 16 months old, and sleeps in his crib. I couldn't get a wink if he were in bed with us. When he's out of the crib, if he needs some nighttime comforting, I plan to take turns with hubs walking him back to his bedroom, comforting him, and going back to our own bed.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
I think your son will decide on his own when to stop needing a snuggle, and that he will grow up to be better-adjusted than your husband probably is!
I think your husband's reasons are silly, but if you decide as a family that you'd like to ease your son out of his habit, the solution that someone else suggested has worked for us. My daughter is seven, and I love cuddling her and didn't want to deprive her of the comfort she needed, but I simply can't sleep with a wiggly child in the bed. So we have a sleeping bag "nest" for her in the corner of our room. She is allowed to come into our room anytime she needs to but not into the bed. If there is a storm or she has a bad dream, she occasionally comes into bed for a few minutes to settle down, but then will go either to her own room or her nest to sleep.
For us, it was around 7 unless something weird going on like a huge thunderstorm or something...
I seriously think that 8-10 is a good time to say
"Honey, you have your own room, you need to sleep in there."
There is also nothing wrong with:
"If you'd like to get up here tomorrow after school with sister and me, we can watch a movie."
It's only too old if someone is uncomfortable with it. That being said, while his logic is way off, it sounds like your husband would like your son to stop getting in his bed.
There is nothing unhealthy about what you're doing, but I'm assuming it's your husband's bed too, so if he doesn't want the kid in there, it's time for him to get out.
That being said... I am fully grown and STILL like to crawl in bed with my mom while she reads or do the crossword with her in the evenings when we visit!
I did not read all of the answers yet. I can only give you my experience.
My husband is not a very hands on father. It bothers me badly. He would rather watch tv and not be bothered. He will play the occasional family game, go to their concerts and some sporting events... that is about it. He does not feel that he needs to do much more. His father never did either.
My kids love to sleep in our bed. The 7 year old ends up in there a lot. My teens even sleep next to me on occasion. The 10 year old not as much anymore. I dont see anything wrong with it. (as long as you and you husband still find time for intimacy) I have all girls though. I may feel different if it was a boy. I doubt it though. The first 18 years of their life speed by. I want to enjoy every minute.
In my case, my kids are well adjusted little ones. It has not affected them. They are perfectly fine on their own. I dont agree with your husband. You do what you think is best. I have been using my own judgement (not always in line with what hubby thinks) and my girls are turning out just fine. I hope i helped a little.
Your hubby may have taken a psych course in college but he is obviously not in the field and has not had any extensive training. He is way off base here. your son is fine. All families, kids and parents are different. My kids stopped crawling into bed with me around age 2. But that was due to me and my inability to sleep with them there(I am a super light sleeper). So I encouraged them in various ways to stay in their own beds. My kids currently share a room. My daughter co-slept with me daily until she was 2, my son did on and off until he was 2 but it was not regular. He always seemed to sleep better in his own bed. They are 4 and 6 and have not asked in years. But if they did and they did sleep with me it would not hurt them and may even help them. My brother and I are close in age and I grew up always sleeping alone in my bed, my brother went in to sleep with my Mom/parents until he was a lot older than your son. My brother is much more well adjusted than me. He is happily married, a missionary, a wonderful father who actually spends time with his children. If anything his sleeping with my parents made him a better man. Now that may not be true of everyone, like I said it depends on the person, parents, child/ren, etc. But it certainly did not affect my brother negatively. I would tell your hubby he needs some real info on child psych, and developmental psych, what he is quoting is way off base.
I think your "issues" are non issues: ) Hilariously written!
My vote for age is never. If my kids want to sleep in my bed, they are welcome for a while - but I like my space to sleep. My 4 year old sometimes kicks my husband out of bed to sleep with me :). My 6 and 8 year old like to cuddle as well. As long as they want to spend that time with me, I'll let them. One day they won't want to.
Oh my, tell him that in other countries (and that would be in most of the world) people cosleep way past the age of 6..........I was 18 and we still slept in the same bed with my parents /grandparents when at their house and that's how it is in my country.....yes it's due to lack of space...but that's how it is there And we do not have a country of messed up people(well there are some but not because of cosleeping)....When my mom comes to visit her and I sleep in the same bed and hubby goes on the couch(so sweet:)). Here is US people make inssues of so many things that do not really matter in the long run......
Of course you need to be on the same page with your hubby because your marriage comes first . Not sure what can change his mind though.
Our boys are 5 and 7 and still in our bed(and sometimes our 16 months old is with us too), my hubby does not mind though, he actually gets teary when he sees how big they are getting.
Get him to listen to this song....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5zCaRaJ-kE&ob=av3n
Personally I think if a child is scared, they need comforting.
Although I don't agree with your husband's reasoning I do think his opinions need to be considered (somewhat at least). Maybe you could offer an alternative of letting him sleep in your room, just not in bed with you and hubby? Make him a little bed in the floor and if he wants to come into your room in the middle of the night, let him sleep in his nest on the floor. My 4 year old son often wants to sleep with me in the middle of the night, but I swear he fights ninjas in his sleep! Neither one of us gets good sleep when he is in bed with me so I let him cuddle with me for a few minutes, then he can go back to bed or sleep in his nest by my bed.
Not sure if this will be acceptable to your husband but just wanted to offer an alternative.
Good luck!
