Co-sleeping Thoughts - Older Children

I see no problem with it at all. Especially since you dont mind it! I have a 2 year old and a 11 month old and I always go back and forth about them sleeping with us but, we all sleep better and longer together so it is the thing to do for us. Because that is what works for us. Sounds like it works for you guys as well!!! Happy Sleeping!

I see nothing wrong with this. When I was growing up, I would occasionally wake up at night and go crawl into bed with my parents. It was usually when I was sick or feeling a bit needy. I would not even talk to the ex about this since he seems to think it is wrong to do so. We all need to feel close to someone every now and then and cuddle time is important to everyone including kids.

Oh sweetie...it's fine! My 8 year old boy still climbs in bed with me sometimes. No worries!!

it's wonderful and completely normal!! we humans were meant to snuggle together - especially us mamas with our children!! great job!

I wouldn't wake him up to bring him into bed with you, but everything else sounds fine. Our culture says that's not okay, or normal, or acceptable, but in many other cultures around the world the whole family sleeps together, always. My daughters are 2 and 5 and they come into bed with me every morning, as well as the nights they wake up in the middle of the night, and on special occasions they will go to sleep in my bed. I know they will outgrow this one day, and I will not do anything to stop them or make them feel guilty. Until then, there is nothing inherently wrong with your children sleeping in the same bed as you. (Don't let your ex bully you! Especially not with this topic!)

My son is 3 and still sleeps in the bed with me. He takes comfort from my presence when he wakes and moves to the bed with me nearly every night when he wakes in his own room.

Your ex husband is not entitled to dictate the arrangements and rules of your household. There is nothing abnormal about you and your son co-sleeping at this age and you might do some research at askdrsears.com or search attachment parenting about co-sleeping. Personally, I think your husband is trying to control your relationship with your son. It's not his business, nor is it "wrong".

L.,

I'm not a single mamma (so I apologize if you are looking for just single mamma responses), but I find at any time any of my 4 kids wanting to crawl into bed with us for any reason...bad dream, just need some reassurance, whatever.
I'm all for the family bed as long as it's working for everyone.
You situation isn't all that unique. I find it quite sweet and you are following your maternal instincts. But, I can understand your hesitation considering your ex-husbands comments and you want to do what is the best for you and your son.

My thoughts and questions for you to answer for yourself:
Children want to be close to their parents...it's where they feel safe. Often in the middle of the night if they awaken, snuggling next to mamma is the safest place on the planet. They really do grow out of this phase. If you feel that maybe he is waking too often, perhaps you can ask him some questions in a non-judgmental compassionate way about how he feels when he wakes at night. How come he wants to sleep in your bed? Is everything in his world ok? School, any issues with his father? friends? How is he coping with separated parents? Maybe there is something going on, maybe not. But at least you can rule out anything negative that could be causing him not to want to sleep on his own. And not sleeping on his own isn't necessarily a "bad" thing anyway. Often our culture gets too tangled up in being independent and we push and push our kids to be super independent, when we really need to be encouraging INTERdependence...when we not only rely on our own strength, but also rely on others to help us through life.
If you really do all your research on co-sleeping/bedsharing and you know that your son is emotionally healthy, you will have the knowledge you need to talk to your ex about your sons sleeping habits. Your ex could just be grasping at anything he can find to hold against you.
Continue to check in with your inner wise mamma. She will know what needs to be done next. Whether it's letting your son continue to crawl in bed and snuggle with you, or to help him learn how to soothe himself back to sleep in his own bed. I believe that there is not a black and white one size fits all answer when it comes to the family sleeping routines. Really, as long as everyone involved is ok with the arrangement and our children are emotionally healthy, it's a personal choice. **Side note: Sometimes our choices are not the best in creating emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent children...that is when we need to check in and re-assess the decision we made.

Lots of good energy to you and your son.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Hi L.,

I agree with most of what's been said, especially what Sarah said about getting "official" backup so that if your ex brings it up in a court, you can show that you're doing something that "experts" say is OK. I think it would help your own confidence if nothing else. I'd like to disagree with one piece of advice - namely, that you should warn your son against telling his dad that you sometimes co-sleep. It might give him the idea that it's something to be ashamed of.

Good luck, and good on you for creating a loving environment for your son.

Hi L.:o)
I think this is totally normal and my children are Twelve and Thirteen and still do the same thing. I am in the same situation being divorced for the last four years. I brought it up in counseling and it is completely normal. When the kids are ready they will stop coming in to your room. Don’t worry about what will happen in the custody battle, and I know that is hard to do. Just remember YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!! :o) Hang in there and if this is the worst thing you do as a mother, you are an extremely amazing mom. :o)
Im here for support!!!

He's still a little boy. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. You are his security blanket. Now, if he was 16, I'd not allow him to do that, but this is still an age where he wants to be with you. He also subconsciously may want this as more together time, especially if your schedules don't allow you to spend a lot of quality time together. He may also want to help you, placing his feelings to yours, in not sleeping alone.

If you both like it, why not? This is an especially turbulent time for him, and he needs you more than usual.

And it sounds like a very good thing that the idiot is an ex. How low can he go?

I say go w/ your motherly instinct.... if you are comfortable w/ it then let it be. What a special memory for him as well! My kids sleep w/ me (one at a time) when my hubby is working. He is a fire fighter & is therefore on shift 10 days out of the month; so they take turns sleeping w/ me. It's fun1

I think you should do what feels right for you and your son. It sounds like you already do! Good for you:) You sound like a wonderful mom.

Cheers! S.

L.,

I don't think that it is weird at all. I am not a single mom, but my hubby works nights so I have the bed to myself at night and sometimes my 6 year old boy still wants to sleep with me. I slept with my mom, on occasion, even when I was older. I think it's just reassuring for the child, especially if maybe they are a little insecure about something. If you are concerned about his dad using it against you, talk to a therapist and see what the "official" position on it is, and if it's in your favor, get it in writing so that if he does bring it up in court, then you have documentation that refutes his position against it. Best to be prepared I think. I have not gone through custody stuff, but have had some close friends that have and I know it can make people do and say ugly things, so you can't be too prepared. Good luck to you and enjoy your son! They are only little for so long. :)

We love sleeping with our children. Believe me he will not sleep with you forever so enjoy the cuddles while you can. My 13 year old will come watch TV in bed with us, but when it is time to go to sleep he loves his own room and bed. My 11 year old also loves his bed but still comes and gets in bed with us in the middle of the night. He blames it on sleep walking! LOL We have lived in several different countries and our culture is one of the few that has the luxury of having separate bedrooms for children. Our children need to feel safe, secure and loved. Being together at night is one of the ways we provide this to our children. Good luck with the custody battle, but sleeping with your child should not be a point on contention. Your ex is grasping at straws!

I think it is fine w/your son crawling into bed w/you. My dad worked nights so I would always sleep w/my mom. She would put me in my own bed to fall asleep but during the middle of the night I always crawled into bed w/her. I eventually stopped & that probably around 9 or 10 yrs old.

To this day when I go home to visit her & my dad, I still like to lay in bed w/her & watch TV or whatever. I will usually dose off but then I get up & go to my bed. lol

Enjoy the moments w/your son right now. =)

I think it is totally "normal" and beautiful! Our 2 year old daughter normally sleeps with us and we love it. Who knows how long she will do so, but I'm not really concerned about if it lasts for a long time. My husband and I have both spent a lot of time abroad (we are anthropologists) and have found cosleeping to be the norm everywhere we have lived. People who have to sleep by themselves are sometimes pitied - much preferred to cuddle up with someone regardless of age or relationship! I wish you the best with your custody situation and hope such a foolish thing such as sleeping patterns plays no part in it.

L., I am delighted at your question and the responses. Certainly makes me feel better. My situation is the same-and yet I am the one who seems to be co-sleeping-so I need the reassurance too.
My son is 6, he is my one and only "baby". I am married and have been for 13 years. And even though I am married, and he is a wonderful father. I still feel like I am the one who understand my son the best and knpow what he is feeling. Although my boy is gifted and confident by day, he has always needed a little extra re-assurance and hates being alone at night.
He always wanted me to wait until he fell asleep before I left. When he was younger and a baby I tried on many many occasions to let him cry it out and get him to fall alseep on his own and to learn to be alone. 2 hours and more of crying and gagging,the getting up and down to put him back, and no help from my husband-it was just impossible. I just knew he would grow out if it. He is 6 now, and still hates sleeping alone. My trouble is that-my husband hates sleeping alone too! My son has even tried to give his daddy one of his stuffed animals so his dad isnt alone at night!
MY logic tells me that if my grown husband doesnt like sleeping without his wife, then why would a 6 or 7 year old boy want to sleep alone?!
I think with so many struggles we go through as parents, it seems to be the only time of day we can make sure we are doing something good-just by being there-in the quiet and being able to stare at the precious angel faces. And they actually appreciate it too. And I know it wont be forever.
The parts I struggle with are that my husband gives me a hard time. SO- I bed hop. really. I will put my son to bed-(another issue all together getting him to fall asleep-because it seems to take forever) although I leave and come back to check on him or stay until I know he asleep. Then I will go lay in bed with husband. Maybe. sometimes I am so tired I cant move. And other times I will go to bed with my hubby-but then he starts to snore loudly-and I cant sleep through it, so I either sleep on my sons bed or the couch. Its my nightly routine. And if I am not in my sons bed, he will still wake up and call for me at odd hours of the night.
Its mostly a problem when we stay with my mom in her 2 bedroom house in Phx and beds are limited. It would be easier if he would sleep on an airbed or with my mom, but he wont.
But its just the 3 of us here. So he doesnt have any cousins that I can send him to to try to stay the night and see how it goes. And honestly I do worry about the future. What will he do the first time he asked over to a friends for an over night party? will I have to pick him up or will he not go because mom cant stay with him or will he hopefully grow out of it before he is 10? I do worry that I am not pushing him to become an independent sleeper-as they say. That I should be teaching him to be independent and make it through the night on his own. So I do worry its harmful.But he is strong in every other way.I know that I am not trying to keep him a baby, Im just trying to keep my santity and get some sleep.
But i do thank you because I least I know someone else has her little co-sleeper buddy! They are our precious boys, and we want o hold onto it before they start hating us just for being thier parents.
Hang onto it, and my guess is that he (they) will slowly start to drop the routine or ask if they can sleep alone because thier friends talk about sleep overs or something.
I wish you luck.
And here is what I say about the ex-hubby and I here is my effort to empower you!...
Some parents can do this well and the kids are shared through the week. But that doesnt work for everyone. some men just dont make as good of dads when they are alone. They dont know what to do with the kids without mom around to lead the way! So you are what is best for your son, the majority of the time-dont let him wear you down!
Remember-your husband is going to try to use whatever he can to shame you and make you look like you should not have full custody! I think your best bet is to feel confident when he questions you. Dont second guess yourself into thinking you are wrong-he will pick up on it and suck your brain dry. tell him that your son has trouble sleeping if you need to-and if he doesnt sleep with daddy when he is with him, its simply becasue your smart young boy doesnt feel the same bond! Too bad you cant ask HIS mom what his sleep habits were when he was a boy!
Until your son grows out of it..or Until you meet someone special enough that you have to kick your baby out of the snuggle spot, then your bed is otherwise occupied by a younger man. AND everyone included can be reassured that you are certainly not bringing men home and subjecting your sweet boy to parrells of dating and meeting different men every month. AND he certinly hasnt had to have several babysitting nights just because mommy has another date. And he most definetly has not walked in on mommy sleeping with another man!IS the ex dating and having to explain this to his son?

OK- So I typed way more then expected and I really should go wash the floor. But I felt passionate about your subject!
I hope all ends well.
Sleep tight!
-K. B.

I don't see that there is anything wrong with it. In fact, I know two seven year olds that still crawl into their parents bed in the wee hours of the morning. One of them is a single parent. However, I can see where this might be a problem in a custody battle. What is important is that nothing is being done to harm the child. If the child finds the need to crawl into bed with his mom, then there is nothing wrong with it, single or not. There are plenty of people that co-sleep and it is not like he is in there EVERY night, all night, right? You might try to discourage your son from coming in so often or tell him that he can come in when the sun comes up. Best wishes, that's a tough one. My children are five and three and still come into bed with us:)

Don't ask, don't tell policy when it comes to your ex. I wouldn't bring it up to him, and ask your son not to bring it up to him. I see nothing wrong with it either...my mom co-slept with her mom (single mom too) up until she graduated high school....though granted this was the 50's but still...he will out-grow it. Cherish it now. And use discretion when communicating with your ex and have your son do as well....ex's can blow things completely out of proportion.

I think it is great to cuddle with your children. It is also important to have private time with your husband (or future husband). I suggest having cuddle time in the morning. We allow our children to come into our bed if they are having a nightmare or a problem, but it is not constant.