How Should I Ask or Should I Just Tell My Husband About Girls Weekend?

You are not his child, you are an adult and you don't need his permission. Tell him you are going, that you will miss him, that the kids are taken care of, and you will see him on Sunday, and then have fun!!!

I'm not physically scared of him. I'm scared of how he will react. I've known this man since Kindergarten. I've never given him a reason not to trust me but I've been a stay at home mom for 2 years after working in the medical field for 15 years due to medical issues. We're staying at my friends beach house and plan to grill out, layout on the beach, and drink wine at night and watch movies. Nothing else. No nightclubs, bars, or anything like it.

My husband and I discuss our potential solo plans with each other to make sure there are no conflicts, but neither of us needs permission. We both do things solo or with friends on occasion. Simple things like meeting up with a friend for lunch or to see a movie, to bigger things like weekends away. We both support the others in pursuing interests and maintaining friendships.

If you're scared to even have this conversation, something is horribly wrong in your marriage. Far beyond whether or not you should spend time with your friend or where. Arrange for counseling. If he won't go, you go by yourself. Fear has no place in a marriage. None.

People want to protect those they love. That's natural. I know people who have worked in law enforcement who would tell me that Portland (where I live) is dangerous. That's because they experience many things I *don't* experience in their work. They have to tend to situations which we would normally just avoid and they see the consequences of other people's poor decisions and bad behavior. So, I just say "I'll be careful" and thank them for their concern.

What I would suggest doing is just saying you are going to X hotel with a friend and that you will be careful and look out for each other. He's likely heard of people being drugged at nightclubs/bars and god knows what else. That stuff does happen. So, you acknowledge his concerns and make a plan so he understands you are aware of them.

Only you know your relationship between yourself and your husband. This, to me, doesn't necessarily scream 'controlling husband', more that you aren't comfortable with asserting yourself or asking for what you need. Which may really have nothing to do with him. But-- and I add this caveat-- BUT!, if you act like a wilting lily at home when it comes to making a simple, reasonable request, even going as far as planning things so he doesn't really have a way to say "no", then that's something he might worry about. He might think you can't handle yourself in a bad situation. Some people do give off a 'victim' aura about them... and predatory people pick up on that. Not knocking you for this-- I used to be the same way. Very unwilling to stand up for myself. Might want to consider what sort of signals you are sending to others if asking your husband a question would be upsetting.

This is so sad. I realize everyone has a different dynamic in their relationship, but your marriage really has an imbalance of power. No one should be afraid of their husband. No one should be worried about asking this. Every woman I know goes and has a girls weekend with friends...or a friend's night out...or goes on a retreat...or whatever. Once a year at the least. The fact that you cannot just coordinate which weekend works for him and tell him don't worry you will set up child care means that something is very very wrong with your marriage. I think it is time to see a marriage therapist together and tell them what you have told us because both of you need to learn a new dynamic. I am guessing that if your husband is this controlling that he borders on abusive and is the type to never go to therapy. You should go on your own. PS - I could never stay married to someone that controlling and I feel sad for you that you and your husband are not equals and he does not respect you or treat you like an adult.
________
The way I would tell my husband: Honey, I need a weekend with my good friend Mary who I have not seen in many years. I am so excited to see her. We picked this weekend to get together and I have set up childcare, so you don't have to worry about the kids. We are staying at x hotel and I will be home on Sunday afternoon. We plan on eating good food, shopping, and getting our nails done (or whatever) and just talking and catching up.
_________
Things YOU may need to say: I realize this is hard for you but most women go do things with friends regularly and I have not left this house in a long time. I feel cooped up and like I never get out. I will be fine. Don't worry. I really need this time to catch up with my friend and get a little break from everyday life. Yes, I am going. It is already all worked out. You will be fine without me. I'm sorry you are upset but I am just going to go be with my friend and enjoy her company. I'm an adult and please stop trying to control me. It's not a big deal. Yes, I'm going. Don't worry so much. It's all planned.

I don't ask my husband for permission to do things because I'm an adult. I
f you have to ask "permission" there is an imbalance in your marriage. You are both adults and should be able to do things together and apart. I think girls weekend saved my sanity several times! I was a SAHM for several years and that time away was so nice. I could sleep late, stay out late, shop, have a cocktail, have NO responsibility for little humans at all. It was heaven!!! When I got home, I felt recharged and ready to be the best mommy.

I would say "honey, I love you and I'm going to visit Sally next week. The kids are all taken care of because I didn't want you to have to worry about them since you are working Saturday night. I know you may not be thrilled but I need this for my sanity and I know you love me too and want me to be the best mommy ever. This is what I need".

Or something along those lines. Don't ask for permission just let him know what your plans are.

Please try to read your own post as if you were reading a stranger's post. Can you see the huge red flags that we strangers here are seeing?

--A wife who is "scared" of her husband's reaction to a simple and normal trip

--A wife so scared that she arranged child care behind husband's back out of fear of his reaction if she consulted him

--A woman with zero adult interaction outside immediate family (does husband discourage you from going anywhere you might make friends? If so that is a bad sign of a controller)

--A wife who asks online for advice about something that most people would just discuss with their spouses up front

You are afraid of him and of your own ability to be an independent adult. Go see your friend but get couples counseling starting as soon as its done. Get solo counseling if he refuses to go as a couple. You sound very isolated and unsure of yourself but you have a right to have friends and a right to time away from family.

Can you enlist you parents and/or his parents to talk up how great it is for you to have an adult getaway?

oh hun, just tell him you're going. He's NOT your Dad. And this type of control is NOT healthy. Saying that you are "scared" to even approach him with this is a huge red flag. Military, law enforcement, whatever is NO excuse for over controlling your wife. You're a grown woman and he needs to respect that!!!! You need to tell him what's up now!!!

This post saddens me that you are that scared of your husband/partner. He is not your dad.

I don't think you "need" permission nor do you just go announce that you are going to do something. This is something discussed calmly between each other and a mutual decision made. Be a big girl.. let him know you have a well thought out plan and arrangements have been made.

I think you need to get out, get recharged and have relationships outside of your immediate family. It helps you grow as a person, helps you be a better mom and better wife.

It is really concerning that you get this upset, scared and anxious over seeing a friend over a short weekend. Don't allow anyone to have that much control over you. You are married to this man, his partner, not his child. Maybe it is time for some counseling.

Ya know, I have read this several times hoping that it wouldn't read the same. See I am not reading this as you are scared of your husband, I am reading this as you are scared he will give you reasons why it isn't a good idea.

I mean I love the new CRV commercials and have wanted a new one for a year. I am scared that if I tell my husband I want a new one he is going to tell me it really is a good idea to wait a few more years since ours is only 3 years old. That doesn't mean my husband is abusive or an ogre, it means he is the common sense in our marriage when it comes to some things.

What I get stuck on is, "I've researched on the internet about why it's good for a stay at home mom to have friends and go on a girls weekend and how it's good for a marriage." That isn't the words of a woman fearing their husband who would be googling women's shelters or controlling husband. That is someone trying to form an argument for something they know isn't a good idea and they know their husband is going to point that out.

We know nothing about your friend, nothing about where you are staying, what beach, nothing. All we know is you think your husband will say it isn't a good idea. So my opinion, most of the things my husband thinks are bad ideas tend to be bad ideas so listen to your husband.

Wow, I'm sorry your husband is controlling. That is probably not something you are going to easily fix, considering you are afraid of him.

"Honey, I've arranged for childcare and I'm going to hang out with Gloria this weekend. Bye." Of COURSE it's good for you to have friends.

Please get tough and stop letting your husband control you. You may need counseling and/or couples counseling to help you find strength.

Please describe how he will react.

Sounds like you and your husband haven't come to an agreement that allows you, as an adult, make decisions for yourself. I would never stay with someone that I feared or who would tell me that I couldn't spend time with friends.

Sounds like he needs to control you. Is he verbally or physically abusive? Do you not have friends because of the way he acts towards you having friends?

Among my friends and acquaintances, none gets permission from their husband for social activities. They do discuss what they're wanting to do ahead of time because their husbands are also their friends.

Sounds like your husband does not treat you as an equal. I recommend that you tell him. If you don't he would have an understandingly reason to be angry. If you are fearful because you know he will hurt you, I don't know what to say. I think something is very wrong when you're not able to talk about what interests you. When you are afraid of him.

I urge you to get psychological help to determine if you are abused and what you can do so that you feel safe.

I'm a retired police officer who worked with over 100 officers. I never heard any of the men believe they had to control their wives. I rarely heard any of them complain about their wives. I knew some for whom their wives and what they did wasn't important to them. Some who kept secrets from their wives. Something is very wrong in your relationship.

If you are "scared" you have more problems than going away for a weekend.

We can't give you advice when we don't know exactly how your relationship works. It sounds like he is aggressive and you are always home and he doesn't want or "allow" you to do what you want, when you want. So you stay home and do as you're told and the first time you have the chance to go have fun you are afraid to tell him. Now THAT is a problem.

I don't "tell" my husband anything. Nor do I 'ask' him. We will have a discussion. I may say, hey, my friend Susie that I used to work with wants to get together for the weekend and I'd like to go. I already have childcare for the boys so everything will be taken care of. Maybe you can go fishing with your buddies on the same weekend? What do you think?

Marriage is a partnership. It is not a dictatorship where your husband rules the roost and you stay home and do as you're told. That's what it sounds like is happening but I may be wrong. I hope you figure this out and get some advice on how to address this. Good luck!

You being scared of your husband isn't good.
You've got bigger problems if a few days away is causing you so much anxiety about his reaction and worry about your marriage.
When you get back, arrange some marriage counseling.

I can't really relate to this or advise - because my husband is the type to shove me out the door if my girlfriends want to do something. And he has really to be protective of me - I have a disability - so he does worry about me. That part I get. But the being afraid to ask him - no, that sounds really unhealthy. Think it's time to talk to someone about that - and whether you're not leaving the house because of him, or yourself, or a combo ..

I would talk to him and just say you've already made plans with your friend and for child care - and go from there. If he gets really upset - then you don't stick around to hear him. You leave.

Counseling can help - sometimes people can become dependent on knowing where a person is, and that's really unhealthy. Or, if it's irrational and intimidation - or worse, then time to reach out and get help. Talk to you friend or your mom. I would :) It's more than acceptable to take time for yourself. It's really important.

So, why are you scared? Is he going to yell at you? Is he going to forbid it? Is he going to hit you?

If he doesn't let you go anywhere, then you are in an abusive marriage. He does not own you and he cannot tell you what to do.

You need to tell him that you have decided to go on a weekend trip to visit your girlfriend. You've taken care of childcare for him, and when you are leaving and returning. You need to do this in person. NO email.

If he flips his lid and says no, then you need to consider whether or not you want to be married to this person. If he thinks you're going to go out to bars and pick up men, then you don't have a husband, you have a jailer. If he can't trust you and you've been a trustworthy wife, then the problem is all about him than about you.

Stop it with the scared bit. Stand up for yourself. And if he puts a hand on you, call the police. Tell him that you will go to his CO and turn him in if he threatens you. And if you really think he will hit you, record it on your cell phone so that you have it on tape.

you don't ask. you just tell him that you are going. and before he has time to tell you why not to go you state that the decision is made, travel plans are taken care of and you are going. if he tries to give you excuses as to why you shouldn't go respond to each one with a reason why you should go. and tell him its not up for discussion since its already planned.

I am concerned about the fact that you are scared to tell your husband your plans. He sounds very controlling. I think you need some counselling. I wouldn't even think of "asking" my husband for permission for such a thing. Especially if I had already arranged child care, I would inform him of my plans. Of course it is good for a SAHM to have friends and get away once in a while. It's good for everyone, working moms, dads, children...

Please update your response telling us about his reaction that you fear.

I also don't understand what being a SAHM has to do with you going away, but you've mentioned it twice.

This sounds like you are anxious about leaving for the weekend.

Please update.

I think the biggest clue here is that you mentioned he is in military/law enforcement and I have already drummed up an image of what he is like from movies of the week and crime dramas.. I have a sister who uses the fact that she is in this career to her benefit sometimes. And can actually scare the wits out of me (but I am not married to her I simply limit my time around her). I would guess that his personality is strong enough even if he doesn't mean it other than caring about you much and you need to swallow your fear and tell him (as the other women advised and they have some great dialogues here). Let him know you love him, you are not running off on a rendevouz with a paramour in Cancun, but plan to sit and laugh and soak up some sun with your friend. And inasmuch as you mentioned his career, I am simply speculating that you are somewhat in awe of that and that is partially why it is frightening to you. If it is all possible, and with counseling, you need regain control even if it means having coffee with someone else during the day while the little ones are in school. If something happens to him -hopefully not at all or in the line of duty you will need support from others besides the four mentioned people. It can definitely be quite lonely.

Since he is your husband and not your father just tell him your plans are made and you are going. Tell him sex on Sunday night will be fabulous since you will have missed him so much over the weekend. 😉

Have a great time!!!

You cannot be scared of your husband. That is not a healthy relationship. He needs to understand that you need time with your friends outside of the house without the kids. Don't think of it as him "allowing" you to go either - he should not be controlling you this way.

Tell him - don't email him - that your friend really wants to get together after not seeing each for three years, so you made plans to go away for the weekend. Explain right away that childcare is taken care of so he doesn't have to worry about going to work.

Now, all that said, I do think in the future that it is important to at least check on the dates with him, rather than just making plans. Tell him you and your friend are going away for the weekend and does it work better for him if you went weekend A or B (assuming you and your friend have two weekends to choose from). This way, you're taking his schedule into consideration, but still giving yourself the weekend away that you need.

Asking implies that he can "give you permission". Is that how your relationship is?
Tell him what you're doing.
The fact that you're "scared to ask" him tells me he controls your world, and quite frankly, that's terrifying. I'm not someone that would ever tolerate that though, so I should probably just stop typing...

It sounds like you have a relationship where there isn't an equal balance of power. I would reclaim your right to make some decisions on your own. You might even tell him..."I know you're not crazy about having me away, but I've planned a weekend on this date and it's really important to me...you won't even know I'm gone since you're working on Saturday."