How Should I React When My Son Has a Potty Accident

We are working on this with my son as well (also 3 next month). Boys take longer to get this down to begin with. If he goes in his pullup, #1 or 2, we immediately take him to the potty anyway, just so he understands that is where he needs to do his business. It's all about repetition!

We asked our pediatrician at our son's 3 year appointment last June because he had NO interest in potty training. He has 3 sons, ages 5 and younger.

Boys don't develop the sensation of bladder fullness as early and as acutely as girls do, so they can be harder to potty train.

When we visited last week for our daughter's 2nd year well-baby visit, he asked about potty training. We said we were taking her cues (non-interest), and he said that's the best thing to do. Kids who are pushed by their parents usually have more issues with accidents/regression than kids who do it on their terms (age permitting).

Initially, I'd not scold them for the accidents. I'd ask why he waited, try to find out if he didn't know he needed to go to the bathroom, wanted to go in the pull-up (I agree they should not be used), etc.

Our son will be 4 in June, has been potty-trained for almost 9 months, and he still has an occasional accident because he gets interested in something else and waits.

Reinforce the positive, seek to understand, and take his cues on readiness.
Good luck!

The most practical current thinking is that when kids are both physically and emotionally ready, learning to use the potty is as natural a development as speech and walking. Prizes or bribes keep the reward system externalized. Pushishment makes it a battle to lose, and there's no happiness for the child when he finally succeeds in meeting his parent's demands. Same with comparing your son to other kids. This should be his success, his satisfaction.

So, with that in mind, if you have been training a "long time" with slow results, you probably started before your son was really ready. And boys often take longer to get all their ducks in a row and achieve consistent success. Pushing the river will not make it flow any faster, but it will frustrate you to try.

Enter "potty training" in the search box at the top of this page, and you'll find that many moms were amazed at how easily their children trained when they stopped applying pressure and left the timing up to the child. SB. below has one of those common stories.

Good luck. Training WILL happen, and will probably go smoothest if you give your son lots of room to make his own choices at the speed that works best for him.

I found myself getting really frustrated with potty training. After we had been at it a while I was having a hard time not getting upset. A friend of mine heard my complaints and she suggested we take a break. She told me to stop completely for two months and when we start again to get away from pull ups at home. I ignored her for a while, thinking it would back track any progress, but when I realized it was getting to be too much I took her advice. It was the BEST advice I could have gotten. He stayed in pull ups, but I just treated them like diapers...I just changed him when he got wet and didn't worry about it because we weren't potty training. If he mentioned it, I would let him try during our "break", but I didn't worry about it. When we went back to it I was much calmer and had lower expectations...I no longer thought it would happen immediately. When he had an accident the response was , "uh-oh let's clean up the mess" instead of me sighing and getting huffy. And I became more positive..."let's try again". The second time around went so much better. I was calmer, he was in big boy undies all day (messier in the very beginning, but pull ups were too much like diapers and gave him "permission" to pee), and he got a few weeks maturity - these all combined to make for a positive and successful potty training experience. He seemed to "get it" rather quickly and we were accident free a few weeks later. So if you see yourself getting upset all day, I would take a break. Stay positive. GL!

"Uh-oh! lets get you cleaned up"....

That's it. Change him immediately and then go on with your business. If you want you can throw in a "better luck next time" or a "just keep trying" but that's all I ever did. Takes the "struggle" out of it and the fear or uneasiness.

Good Luck!

im about to try and retrain my daughter who is 3 to use the potty. she like your son had good days and bad days. but i realized that i wasnt ready for the task along with her. i got mad at accidents and such. what i suggest is backing off for a couple months then try again. use a lot of praise even with an accident telling him that next time we will make it. try to stay calm. it will help a lot.

How old is he?

Accidents WILL happen... even in older kids.
Do not punish for it or compare or lecture.
Its okay. They are just kids and learning.
Everyday, will be different.... its normal.

"Knowing" something in their heads, is different than actually being "able" to do it... and every single time. You need to allow for flukes/regressions/mistakes.
A child will NOT be perfect... ever. They can't help it.

Just encourage him. Praise him. Encourage him to "try his best"... NOT about being perfect.
That is too much pressure for a child.

Until he actually "masters" the whole process.... learning also entails mistakes or inability. Its normal. Just like learning math, for a kid.

If a child is not ready for pottying... it WILL take a LONG LONG time. Even a year long.

Next, make sure that he does not develop constipation. Because this is something kids will do, if not "allowed" to poop in a diaper. Constipation... means the child "withholds" their poop and not go. At all. Then, this becomes a bad thing... because as the poop gets harder and more constipated... then it hurts and causes pain when they do poop. So because it "hurts" they won't want to poop at all. This can also then develop into bulging bowels and "encopresis." Bad. This is what happened to my daughter.... we did NOT force pottying on her... but it causes anxiety in a child. We then had to see a Pediatric Gastroenterologist... and he said DO NOT FORCE the child to poop... in a toilet or withhold the diaper or scold them. This will only make it into a battle and an "emotion" based PROBLEM. So then it becomes a medical problem (constipation) and then an emotional problem for the child.
He said, to go according to the child and their cues and ability.
Once constipated.... it takes MONTHS to get their poop to become normal again and for the child to feel okay about pooping. We had to treat our daughter with prescribed things.

Pottying is a process.
Then, "night time" dryness during sleep/naps, is an entirely DIFFERENT process and ability. Night time dryness does not occur until even 7 years old... and this is normal. It is a purely biological ability.

The process is:
1) peeing and mastery of it in a toilet/potty chair and them being able to tell you.. .and then being able to Hold it long enough to get to the toilet... and then be able to pull down their pants/underwear too.
2) pooping in a toilet/potty chair.... and same as above
3) being able to do it on their own... with supervision
4) being able to wipe themselves
5) being able to at-will do all of these things.
6) being able to have bladder control and hold it... on outings and in the car.... or being able to hold it long enough to get to a bathroom if at the mall or something.
7) Night-time dryness... which is a whole different thing.

There are parental expectations of pottying... versus the child's actual ability. And these are often in conflict.
You also need to "accept" that there WILL be accidents. If you get mad... it will make them regress or not want to, or they will get hang ups.
Accidents are normal.

All the best,
Susan

I've been "potty training" my daughter for a very long time, off and on for 14 months (I did infant training). She is now 25 months old and takes herself off to the potty. She is totally night trained too.

This is what I've learned: never, ever show anger or frustration, not matter how badly you want to. They want to go in the potty, but it is hard, very hard. There is so much to learn, and so many distractions. The more patient you are with them, only showing positive, supportive emotion, the easier time they have of it.

So, when your son has an accident, the only thing you should do is say "pee and poop go in the potty." When I'm really angry, I ask "where does pee and poop go?!" It sounds to me like your son is getting there, and will be there soon. He is working out the timing and having some performance anxiety.

Take off the pull-ups, tell him that as of today he is going to be a big boy, bite your tongue and believe in him.

Fact is many kids go in their pull-up because it is easy. My son was in pull-ups and was peeing in the potty about 50% of the time, so we went to undies. The first day there were a lot of accidence, and he wanted his pull-up, but by using the potty half the time, he had proven he understood the concept, so I said no. The next day we had 2 accidence, and than none.

As for how to react, do not be mad, just say accidents happen and move on. I never wanted my boys to feel bad if they did not make it, but I did notice they often did not really try to make it until they were in the big boy undies.

We introduced potty training for my daughter around 18 months... But honestly, things didn't click for her until she was 28-30 months old. There's a mental development milestone that the child has to hit in order for them to consistently recognize internal sensations and comprehend that what they feel means they have to go to the bathroom. They also have to hit physical milestones in order to have the muscular control to "hold it" long enough to get to the bathroom.

It sounds like you son is semi-potty trained, but perhaps still too young to really have developed physical control and awareness for consistent potty training. (and of course, boys and girls tend to potty-train at different ages).

Be careful... Around age 3, children begin to understand that they (not you) have the power to decide when to go to the bathroom and when not to... Be careful not to inadvertently set up a bathroom oriented power-struggle.

Hi M., I have touched on this issue many times, and many moms don't agree with my method, but these are the moms who have kids 2 and over who are not potty trained. With my 3 and with all the children that I have potty trained in my daycare over the past 13 years successfully before or by the age of 2 I used reward and discipline. In my years of experience I have found that starting them around 19, 20 months gets better results, the longer a child poops and pees on themselves the more of a habit it becomes.
A few problems that I see with some moms of this generation is Pullups, the package may say training pants, but what they are are diapers with out tape, so toddlers feel comfortable and secure pooping and peeing in them. Another issue I see is parents not seeing/knowing the difference between an accident, and a child just being lazy or rebelling against potty training, an accident is when a child makes effort to get to the potty and misses the mark, a child who simply says and does nothing to get to the potty, that is no accident, and that needs to be disciplined. If there is no consenquence for not using the potty, how are they supossed to know it's not OK to poop and pee on themselves. I only used regular training pants with my kids, and that is what I require in my daycare if my parents would like me to potty train their kids, and trust me they all do. I also put the potty chair in the living room against the wall to make it more accesable, they can watch TV, look at a book, I make it fun and interesting, but at the same time I'm very firm about what i expect. I read where some moms say boys are harder. not true, my boys were 19 months and 21 months when they were potty trained, by age 2 daddy was teaching them to stand up and go, and he made that fun and interesting as well, our daughter was 22 months when she was potty trained, when we first started her at 19 months we got orders to move over seas, so we put it on hold til we got there, i trained her in 2 days on a regular toilet in a hotel room. I read one mom said a while back when people say their kids were potty trained at 19 20 months old it wasn't true, well unless she has seen all 19, 20 month old's she can't really in all honesty make that statement. My boys were very smart and they loved to learn new things and my husband was very involved in their potty training. Children learn the most when they are having fun, they love praise and reward, and don't care much for discipline, so there you have it. I hope this helps. J.

well i have a 4 year old boy who was potty trained about a year ago i have found that boys are a little harder it would be great if your spouse or a male could give you a hand with him i know what you mean some days are great and some are accidents all over but if you sit him done after the accident and tell him that he can finish going potty it might help it worked some what for me i dont know what else to say but hang on once you gat through this stage it will seem like a brezze.

There is a term -- "neuromaturational" -- and the ability to know when one needs to go to the toilet is one of those issues. When they are ready, they are ready. Loading it with all kinds of emotions and values is pointless. And if he has accidents of any kind, making him feel bad about it is unfair. Praise him when he toilets appropriately and at other times, just be at least neutral and preferably pleasant and clean him up. If you make him feel badly about something he can't control you will just make a new problem that will come back at you some other way and it could be worse.

First of all, I would get rid of the pullups. To him, they are probably just like diapers he can pull off and on.

Second, I would not ask him if he has to go to the bathroom. I would tell him it's time to try. Set a timer and tell him when it goes off, it's time to 'try'. That way, YOU are not the one that is telling him to go. It's being dictated by the timer.

Third, I suggest you handle the accidents in a simliar way that I do. When my daughter pees in her pants...I say "Oh you didn't make it to the potty in time? That is okay, accidents happen. Next time we'll try harder." If she does it a few times in a row or in one day, I'll say something like "It's okay if you have an accident. If you have to go potty, you don't even need to ask me. You can go by yourself. Or if you need my help, I am here to help you. Let's set the timer and then you can try in 30 minutes and then get a m-n-m, skittle (your candy or reward choice here)."

If you get frustrated or upset, that is understanding...but make sure that you do not show that frustration or anger in front of him because that may cause him to retract.