Yesterday, our neighbor hit rock bottom emotionally and is now in the hospital. We have all known each other for almost 20 years. She has a family with 5 children. Her mother passed away a little over a year ago and so this is going to be the second Christmas without her mom and she has really been struggling. We have always tried to be available to this friend but recently we knew she was becoming more and more unstable. With that comes all of the drama you would expect.
Now that she will be receiving professional help, we, neighbors want to help her family still have a semi normal holiday. It appears her house is decorated, but we do not know what else we can do. Her husband is an emotional wreck.
What do you all suggest?
Thank you , Thank you kind Moms. Everyone has had great ideas. We have shared them and discussed the different ideas.
This family is very fortunate to not have to worry with finances. We have set up meals for well past the new year and we have sent a list of people willing to help. We have also sent suggested ways we want/can help.
We were afraid if we were "let loose" we would take over and intrude. So we have one person who is handling all of the communication and organization with the family and she keeps us all informed. We all have been given a list of things for today and tomorrow. Those of us in town through the holiday will respond during that time, those returning later, will have lists waiting. We are prepared to continue to help as long as needed.
Each of us is going to send a card letting the family and the mom know we are here for them at anytime. Things had been strained the last several months, but we had never given up on her.
Thank you all for your support and suggestions. L. A.
A holiday meal brought over with all the trimmings on Christmas Eve so they could eat it both days, and a gift certificate to the movies, as the Movie Theatre is open and its an activity to do as a family which might be a nice diversion. Then you wouldn't have to worry about ages and gifts for individual children.
That sounds awful for the family, the most important part is to tell them you support them as well.
Dinners and cookies etc are almost something that is expected to have in the house at Christmas. you and some of the other people that are friends might take some over just a gift If she is home or is able to have these take her some also do not cut her out at this time she need some things that will let her know that people care and love her. This is a time of year that is hard on a lot of people for many reasons and her's is one of them . Good luck. and Merry Christmas.
Bake a lasagna. When in doubt, that's what I do. Maybe take her kids for icecream and a trip to the zoo to give dad a break. Sounds like you're a good neighbor!
I can relate to your neighbor's husband-this is our 2nd Christmas without our daughter because she is in a mental hospital. It is very difficult to be happy, despite the fact that we have a 6 year old too. Offer to take the children to look at Christmas lights, to see a movie, etc while he gets a chance to visit his wife in the hospital. Offer to finish his Christmas list, the little things like stocking stuffers are so hard to think of right now. Last year a friend invited us to her house for Christmas dinner which was such a blessing because it removed us from our house full of memories to a house full of happiness and joy. Also, assure him that she is to be commended for getting the help that she needs, there is no shame in that, and modern medicine is wonderful for helping her get through this. Encourage him to encourage her AND listen when he needs a shoulder to cry on. Bless you for wanting to help!
I too was in a very very bad place at Christmas last year after the loss of a child just a couple of weeks before. I lived in a fog and did not function well at all. My husband was a rock and with his father here as well decorated the house so that our little girl could still enjoy. I have a wonderful group of friends and they cooked for us and brought something every other night and we then would have leftovers. I would also suggest you offering to finish up any last minute shopping that may be needed for the kiddos and wrapping for them. Seeing the joy on my little girls face at Christmas is what really helped me thru. I am sure all the other suggestions were helpful but I just wanted to let you know what really helped me thru such a tough time.
Good luck and she is lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
J.
meals, laundry, offer to watch the kids...
Bring them dinner several times a week. Also invite them to your holiday season. Let them know that you understand there family is under stress and they dont need to worrie about Christmas dinner they are more than welcome to your house. If they insist on bringing something tell them ice or pickles cups something easy and not alot of work. Also cards are still a pick me up. Hope you find the answer you are looking for....also lots of prayer always helps.
Wow. You are a good friend.
If she wants to talk, be quiet. Listen.
Ditto what the last response wrote - Laundry, food, friendship.
Bless you this Christmas.
T.
Offer to do things, but be specific, not just "whatever" you need. Laundry is huge with that many kids, take it to your house and do it. Try taking just one or two kids to do something and arrange someone else to take others. Individual attention in a large family is always appreciated. If you are baking cookies, invite one or two of their kids to help, rotate who gets to do something.
I agree in helping the family do for themselves but dad might not be up to that right now.
With mom depressed don't be surprised if the house is a wreck, try and hide that your reaction. The kids can help get it in order and learn to help, yes make it a game.
Meals are such a blessing, approach dad and ask the families likes and dislikes, ask specifics: do you eat fried food, vegetables, pork, chicken. I have found many say we eat everything but when I engage them in conversation they share we don't like..........
Visit mom and let her know others are pitching in to help with the kids, that will ease her concerns.
God bless you for being such a good neighbor.
meals that can be frozen? what about some simple gifts left on a doorstep annonymously with some creative notes to make them smile? a visit to the hospital? invite family over for your holiday events to ease the pressure and lonliness they may feel (I have always lived far from my family and could not always afford to fly home, so it was nice when neighbors included us in their celebrations).
all of the physical help is so crucial, as it is hard to take care of yourself in crisis. but the emotional support, so very important. your friend feels tremendous loss, and might be fearing that she is losing her mind. she needs reassurance that she is real, loved, if she is being medicated that the right med will be found. same goes with the five children and the husband. fear is horrible, and grows on itself. if you know their spiritual background, remind them constantly of that love. and with your background, you know how to coordinate, and deal with kiddos! you are in the right place at the right time, how cool is that?
Food is always a wonderful way to "give", especially with a dad who is overwhelmed with his family at this time. You could let him know the meal will be provided on such and such day at a particular time. This way he and the children will know what time you (and others?) will come by to drop off food.
If you, and maybe some others are close enough, you could invite him and the children over for a buffet meal. I know we all have our own "families", but it's so important to reach out as you are doing now.
Blessings!
All of the responses here are wonderful. I would say utilize them all. Watching their kids is a huge help, so grown up things can get done...especially this time of year. Thank you for offering to help...you're a doll. Blessing to your family and neighbors.
Deborah
Her husband may need a break and not know how to go about asking for it. You may want to get the neighbors to get together and give him a spa certificate so he can get away and relax for a few hours. Just a thought.
Could you invite the husband and kids over for a meal, or else make an extra lasagna or casserole and bring it over? A small, wrapped present for each of the kids? Seems like this is one of those situations where any loving gesture would be of some help -- poor kids! Good for you for looking for ways to be of support.
M.
You didn't mention their finances. The house is decorated, but is there any money for gifts? Is she able to cook? If not, then someone needs to invite the family to Christmas dinner. Do they belong to a church? Most churches are pretty good at taking care of their own. Mainly, just be her friend and help her with the little minor things that need to be done. Do her children need transportation to and from school? Go with her to the grocery store and try to keep her upbeat.
I would suggest a short outing with their family. Invite them to drive around and look at Christmas lights with hot cocoa in hand. There would be a comfort factor and the focus would be on the houses in the neighborhoods. Saddness will probably creep in and alone time will be needed. This is why I suggest an outing that is less than 1.5 or 2 hours in length. This would give them a temporary escape. You could even ask them about their favorite childhood memories. Maybe discuss their marriage day. They will be focusing on the good times and not feeling that mom/wife is a taboo subject because of the circumstances. Maybe mention that she would like these lights and you are looking forward to taking her next year. This will show that you have not abandoned your friendship with her despite the circumstances. Hope this helps. I am not a professional counsler. I have been in a bad situation and remember how I wanted to be treated. Good luck.-T. S
Have everyone prepare a dish for Christmas day, and more. You could buy a prepared turkey from a restaurant. Have the dishes ready to heat and serve. Put names on the bottoms if you want them returned or use dishes from a dollar store that he wouldn't have to worry about. I would personally just show up and insist on him telling me what I could do. They might just need some light housecleaning and laundry service without a lot of talk or shown concern. I know that's what I would want if I were there. Wow. You have a good heart. You didn't say how old the children were, so I'm not sure what to recommend there. But, I would ask the father if he needs some last minute gift buying for the kids. Helping clean up a bit and bringing over food will do wonders for them and lift their spirits up some, though not much can change the severity of the situation. But, it will help it not be such a sad occasion, especially if there are little ones involved.
**When my dad was in the hospital, a family brought a wonderful full dinner in to the hospital for my family. So, we had family dinner in the waiting room. It was actually very nice.
L., all the ideas sound great. I would also suggest going to their home and getting the family involved in caring for themselves. If the kids are age appropriate, they should be looking after their own needs and chores. Depression can be hereditary and also "rub off" on others in the family. The children need to see that being lethargic or unmotivated isn't normal. Get them moving and involved in their own well-being. Have a neighbor join you in a morning of chores. Designate chores for the dad and kids and help them follow through. Make a game of it. Maybe you or your friend could be preparing breakfast while they work; that would give them incentive to get the job done. They would all have a delicious meal to sit down to as a family and bring to the table a sense of accomplishment, pride, and self respect. The experience might give them some funny things to talk about at the dining table. Leave a chore chart at the home for Dad so that he and each child can continue maintaining their home without chaos. What a surprise it would be for their mom to return to a well kept home.
Oh, and play music while you're there. Maybe Christmas music. Music is good for the soul.
One last thing, maybe you and your neighbors could take up a collection for basic groceries like canned goods, mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, (get my drift). This way, you kind neighbors wouldn't have to worry about preparing meals so often (the holidays are hectic). Again, depending on their age, the older kids could make some of their own meals while dad's visiting mom or resting. It would give them a sense of responsibility and pride. Or, if the kids are too young for that, it would take some of the stress off of dad and the kids could help him in preparing such an easy meal.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. They are so blessed to have a friend such as you and their other neighbors.
L.
Along with everything already mentioned, you could ask her husband if the Christmas shopping for the kids is done and if not offer to go pick up anything he may still need. Offer to wrap the presents that they have already purchased for the kids. If any of your fellow neighbors have children the same ages as theirs invite the kids to go along for any holiday traditions such as looking at lights, host a holiday movie night for the kids, etc.
I know you mentioned that you have known them for a long time but if her husband is a very private person and would not ask for help or accept help when offered, maybe you and your other neighbors can organize a schedule where you each pick a day and drop off a care package each day next week on their front porch just to let them know that you are thinking of them.
I wish your friend all the best,
K.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure dad is having trouble as well especially with 5 children. If yall are doing Christmas at your house you may want to invite them for Christmas dinner so dad doesn't have to try and put something together. You may also want to talk to dad and make sure he's ready to stay strong for the children. Not sure if they are wanting to hold off on gifts until mom is there but if he isn't sure when mom will be ready for that then he should go ahead and let the children open their gifts just like nothing os going on and just explain the mom is sick and getting better. You could also offer to take the kids for a day so he can try and figure a few things out or have some time to handle things on his own. He may be holding a lot in for the kids but needs a release. This has got to rough on all of them and you as friends can step up and give him ideas of how you can help. Depending on how they are some people don't want to feel like they are taking charity but if you approach as letting him have some time to himself or inviting for dinner he may be more accepting.
Check with the Dad about his family's plans for Xmas Eve or Day - just having a normal meal with them and being as accepting as possible might be what they need- play games, cards, eat - just normal stuff. I'm sure they have felt ostrasized in other situations.
I've heard of folks anonymously leaving gifts of food (breakfast (donuts or muffins), lunch, snacks, dinner) made special for Christmas day in a pretty basket and just ringing the doorbell and running so they'll get it. Have neighbors take a specific time or work together. Merry Christmas! Will be praying for them. check out www.carecalendar.org and offer to help organize long term meals for the family using their network of friends.
Wow! Sounds like a tough situation.
I agree with some of the other responses. I would set up a meal schedule and have meals brought over a few times a week until the Mom gets back on her feet. Even meals that can be put in the freezer and taken out when they need them. Also, taking care of kids is huge too. That was the biggest help to me when I was going through treatments for Breast Cancer. Just to have some time to rest was such a blessing. And if the Dad needs to go be with his wife alone at least he'd know the kids were taken care of for awhile.
You sound like a very good, supportive neigbhor.
God Bless!
Hi L.,
that is very thoughtful of you to want to help.
First thing you can do for her the best is to pray for her on a daily basis,
you can ask her if she has plans for the holiday since you were thinking: tell her; "I just really enjoy your company and would be honored if you would come and celebrat the holidays w/ me and my family and the kids love playing w/ other that they could entertain eachother and give us a break. so do you already have plans??
I think you are a strong woman for wanting to help most people do not want to get involved w/ others problems and this women probably is in need of a good friend.
L.
Invite them to your house for a meal. Bake cookies and take them over. Ask the husband what he needs help with. He may politely refuse, but be persistant. If he declines the invitation to dinner, say "I'm making you a special meal for your family. What time can I bring that over?" Or, "I'm headed to HEB, what can I get for your while I'm there?" You didn't say what age the kids are, maybe just have the kids over for movie & meal so the parents can take care of what they need to. I worked in mental health services for 5 years. Usually, hospital stays are very short, so expect the mom to be home in 3 days. When you are very depressed, it's difficult to get things done. Offer to wrap presents or pick up last minute gifts. Your friend may say "I don't know", because depression makes it difficult to think straight, so be specific in offering to help. Good luck and God bless!
