One of my daughter's friends and classmate's mother died suddenly last week. Does anyone have any helpful gift ideas for this sort of situation? Her parents were divorced, and Dad is very much involved and has the girls now. I don't know them well, but would like to do or send something. One parent in the class has already sent a food/gift basket.
Thanks gals ( and guys )
My son lost a classmate last year. The thing the family needed most was money. I would stay away from anything "too personal" as the grief is still very fresh. Remember them in a year with a more personal gift like a shrub or sapling.....for now....money and condolences. Take a dinner.
We had this happen in K - 3 years ago. It was in the summer...but we did meal support for about 4 months and it was a great support to dad. We blessed them at Christmas as adopting the family with gifts and such. I would gather gift cards and deliver them to dad to help support Christmas. I would also gather school pics or field trips of the mom and her kids and put it in an album if that is at all possible. It is such a sad thing. But now 3 years later, he re-married and the family is well loved.
If you knew the mom write down your memories of her. Things she said about her kids, to her kids. Things that made her laugh. Foods she liked, foods she hated. Music that she loved... any thing she loved, or hated. My mother died when I was 10. To this ;day I hunger for people's memories of her. I believe that this will always be the case. My mother died 33 years ago. Writing this made me cry. People that have not lost a parent as a very young child can never hope to understand the devastation that it wreaks for a child. Classmates at school treat you differently. They don't know what to say to you and it is almost as if they have very much to do with you it might happen to their mom. You are a full fledged member of a club that no one wants to belong to. It hurts to see your friends with their moms yet you hunger to be around anyone's mom. I was desperate for a woman's touch. Someone to brush my hair, to give me hug, to tell me things that women tell their daughters. This child you spoke of is very young and likely still in shock. It takes years for your heart to accept that you have lost your mom. The slightest trigger can bring the pain flooding back. But you also get frustated with moms not inluding you in things because they are afraid to hurt you. There is an excellent book called Motherless Daughters.. It is written by Hope Edelman. This book is appropiate for anyone over the age of ten. It has stories in it that women that have lost their Mothers at all ages share both their pain and joyous times with their Mom. You might buy this book for the father. Hopefully he will read it and get an inkling of the obstacles his children are up against. To this day I love to talk about my mom. It is the most important way that I have to keep my memories alive. Please invite the little girl over often. She will crave the female interaction. Realize that all of the little things that your daughter loves for you to do for her, this little girl has lost this. I am sure her father loves her, but I maintain that one parent cannot replace the other. I admire the fact that you are trying to help this little girl. Please keep reaching out to her. She will be grateful to you for her entire life. I will never forget the women that mothered me after my mom died. They were my lifelines at times.
a journal/scrapbook for the dad & girls to put together as a keepsake.
a crystal or stainglass piece to hang in the window...as a constant reminder of "Mom's light" shining upon them.
I think anything to memorialize their mother may not be the best choice, unless you knew the woman quite well and can add your own perspective to how she effected your own life.
I agree with meals. Perhaps invite the kids over to eat dinner at your house in a week or two - give Dad a break. Offer to babysit as often as you can.
Man, how devastating. Those poor kids.
How awful. I would make a meal or two to send over, or a giftcard for pizza, or another place with take out.
Offer to have the girls over to give dad a break. How sad for those kids!!
Send a freeze-able meal. So sorry for their loss :-(
If you are close enough to the family....what about offering up a play date for your daughter and her friend? That may give dad a little "break" (I'm sure it is overwhelming to go to a full-time parent overnight when you aren't used to it) and set up a fun time for the girls. Taking them to the park or just over to your house to play would be a great idea!
Sue has a great suggestion with the stained glass idea, love it. The scap book idea is a really good one too. But if you don't know them all to well, you may want to stick with something simple like food from a deli or bakery or something you make. People always give lots of food when someone dies because who has the time, energy or motivation to cook at this time. A lot of people give a card with money because people always need it. Unless you have a lot of money to spend I'd stick with something simple. ~~Just my take on it.
If you can manage to get a meal for them once a week or twice a week that would be more than helpful.
Get in touch with Take Them A Meal to get details on how to get enough people together to make their transition over the next few months much easier.
Once you have the details talk to the father about dietary restrictions or preferences. How often he would like the meals brought to the family and so on.
I have participated in Take Them A Meal and it's a really helpful way to get things going and keep them going. I like to cook and so being the one who prepares the meal is a caring way to help out.
This happened in my daughter's first grade class too, and I also lost my mom when I was 10. The worst is going to be the holiday's without her. For my daughter's class they collected toys for the kids for the holiday's so the father did not have to worry about Christmas shopping. They also organized a food donation for a holiday dinner.
It is going to be very hard and sad time for them, and since you don't know them well, maybe having this will help them through the time with one less thing to worry about.
I agree with offers of playdates, offer to take the girl to church with you if he's not a church goer, and make sure she has some extra gifts for under the tree.
I woulod send the dad a note letting him know that he can call you if he needs help. Give him your number and email. And even offer up a day to take them (Saturday morning?) so he can get some stuff done without the kids.
Can I ask how she died? What a nightmare.
If the dad is as overwhelmed and people want to help out as much as I imagine, perhaps have someone check with him to make sure that meals and other offers are welcome and set up a LotsaHelpingHands.com site for them. People can sign up for meals, rides, errands, etc.
a gift card for pizza and an offer to watch the girls anytime (with your phone number) would probably be appreciated.
Keep in mind that most folks want to do something now (food, etc.) and Dad may be overwhelmed with the amount of casseroles that have shown up on his doorstep. Gift cards for future dinners or waiting a week or so to send something over (when the mad rush dies down) or even preparing a meal once a week for the next several months. If you are close to this family, and depending on how much other family is in the picture, offer to take the girls with you on holiday outings to see the lights, ask them to share Thanksgiving dinner, shopping, etc., so they are exposed to the joy of the season even in their grieving. Play dates would also be good --- anything to help these girls know that there are people who care for them and to help them feel less isolated. If you know the dad well, sit down with him and ask what HE would want you to do for them.
One of my student's father passed away and someone made her a pillow case out of a favorite shirt of her dad's so that she could snuggle up to something that reminded her of him. I love the idea of taking pictures of the girl at special school events, etc...and making a scrapbook or album at the end of the school year. Keeping on top of school events is probably the last thing on her dad's mind right now.
