Our son has always been a very lovely boy, but now that he turned 14, he's cranky, solitary, and uncommunicative. I respect that he is a teen, but he has learning disabilities so school (and life) is stressful for him. Before he became a teen, he was always eager to tell me what was on his mind, now he won't talk! Any ideas would be appreciated!
I have 2 boys and they always talk when we're driving (we never have the radio or electronics in the car, it's a rule I've always had so we could keep communications open) or when we're outside doing something. Can you take him fishing, hiking or something outside that would be quiet and you guys could spend some quiet time together? Maybe a weekend road trip? Sounds like everyone could use some down time. Good luck. Hang in there Mama!
I honestly do not understand our daughter. She has multiple medical issues, anxiety, and depression, and she isn't interested in any things that ordinary young 20s are (it was the same in high school. It took her 7 years to complete high school). She doesn't have friends, doesn't like shopping, mostly likes video games and sleeping and she deals with constant pain. I get it, somewhat. Life is really hard for her.
But some of our best times have been when I sit down next to her, pick up a video game controller, and ask her to assign me a car (or a character or whatever). I drive crazy, backwards, horribly (not on purpose, just old tired mother doing her best), and we end up laughing. I know that video games can be counter-productive, but for a solitary, lonely, struggling kid with medical or psychological or emotional issues, they can be a connection. Don't try to talk. Just ask "which pedal does what" or "what's the goal" or say "I'd like to hear that song that you love".
The other day she asked if we could place some bumper sticker on our car. It's from some video game (Halo? Mass Effect? no idea) but it's a realistic-looking political bumper sticker with the numbers '16 and then 2 names, like president and vice president, except that they're not real people, they're characters in this game. Anyway, I posted on FB a pic of our bumper sticker, just for laughs, and she posted a reply in public: "mom, I love that you try to understand me, even though I know you don't know who these people are, but they're important to me and I love that you let me put that bumper sticker on".
So, whatever your son likes - video games, putting together a computer, doing a puzzle, sculpting things out of clay, a music genre, a movie or sci-fi stuff, a band, whatever it is - even if you don't get it or like it - just sit with him and ask: "can you show me how to do this?" or "can I watch this with you?" . Don't let on that you think it's silly, or babyish, or too difficult, or impossible to understand. Simply meet him in his world. Appreciate something about it. "You're such a great car racer." "You really get how to put this together." "What an interesting character. Tell me about him." "What's the name of that band? Could I listen to something else that they've done?" You just might find a connection that will have meaning. It might not be what you expected. But with our kids who are challenged, by medical problems, by learning problems, by psychological problems, by emotional problems, by social problems, by physical problems, by perceived problems, by serious problems, the unexpected can be significant. And beautiful.
My son is soon to be 13. He is an avid gamer. I know NOTHING about most of what he's talking about, but I ask him about different things and he explains it. I also have started asking him to reach things for me or carry things that are too heavy for me. It makes him know I need him and I always tell him how much I appreciate his help. Sometimes I'll come right out and tell him I want his company and ask him what kind of project he's interested in tackling.
Maybe if your son is struggling in school because of learning challenges, he needs extra strokes for his self confidence. Maybe think about a martial art. Make sure you appreciate him genuinely. Nobody likes to be patronized.
Tell him you love him and hug him. Maybe leave notes for him.
Try learning something new together.
Take a cooking class or a craft class or learn bowling.
I had great fun taking a basket weaving class and I also took a class to learn the basics about stained glass work and made a lamp.
It gives you something in common to talk about.
We have a hot tub. My girls and I have the best conversations when we are in it together. Getting them to join me though is more of a challenge since the novelty has worn off.
My teenage son (now 18) and I connect over comedy, TV and music. There are some somewhat-clean comics who we both enjoy (Jim Gaffigan, John Mullaney), we used to watch The Daily Show together (when Jon Stewart hosted) and he listens to some of my favorite bands (Metallica, etc.) and has introduced me to some of his. While most of our car rides to and from hockey were silent other than the radio or requests that we stop for food or drinks, when we did have good conversations, they were usually in the car on those rides. So if he does activities or sports that require that he be driven, try to be the one who drives when you can.
If he has a father in his life, the teen years can be a great time for father-son connecting over a shared sport or hobby because a teenager is often as physically capable if not more capable than an adult when it comes to being able to do thing. One friend's husband continued to do a lot of scouting activities with his sons right through their teen years, including camping trips and their Eagle projects. In another family I know, the dad and teenage sons are all competitive mountain bike racers and spend their weekends racing. In other families I know, the shared activities are things like golf or boating.
Welcome to mamapedia!
Have you taken a walk with him?
Have you found out what HE likes to do? He's not the little boy anymore. He's growing up. Interests change.
As a mom to 2 boys who are teenagers, I can tell you that taking a walk with them or learning some of the games they play (XBOX) can get conversations started...
We watch movies. We play card games - that creates conversation too.
Don't get in his face. I know it's tough when you feel him slipping away. But that happens. He will come back. He's getting his footing as a teenager - new body - new hormones - new things - thoughts and feelings.
Talk about school with him. What he wants to do and how he feels about his upcoming classes.
Has he any hobbies that will help him connect with other kids in a less stressful environment? Something like Tae Kwon Do?
Good luck!
Great ideas below. Meet them on their turf. Meanwhile, teens often withdraw from their parents, mom especially, as they discover and assert their individuality. They come back, though, not to worry.
