How to Deal with a Angered 11 Year Old

Step children are a very tricky relationship. The first rule of parenting step children is that the new party (ie you) cannot make and new rules, cannot discipline, and cannot tell her what to do. You need to just be her friend and let her dad be her parent. If he wants to change the rules, it needs to come from him. From her point of view, she had a great situation and you came along, took her dad from her and are doing everything you can to make her life harder. I know it is hard to let go and not act like mom, but you are not her mother, and because she is so old, you will never be thought of as her mother.

Everything I've read and heard says that the birth parent has to be the one to set the rules and deliver the consequences. Otherwise the child does feel that the step parent is the "mean" one because the step parent has not had the years of growing up with the child to develop trust and love.

I recemmend that you and her father discuss the situation and decide on what rules are important for both of you. Then the father and only the father at first, discuss these ideas with her allowing her to be included in deciding what rules are important. Have just a few basic rules and set consequences for those rules at the same time you're making the rules. Write both rules and consequences down.

Parenting a step child is much more difficult than parenting one's own child and even parenting one's own is difficult enough. It's the child's biological parent's responsibility to set the standards and to be the one who tells his daughter what he expects. Then in most cases it's his responsibility to enforce the consequences. You will have to develop a respectful, loving relationship with his daughter before you can be effective in any way.

I suggest that both of you read a couple of books on step-parenting and perhaps take a parenting class together. Because the daughter was in control before you arrived, gaining a more co-operative relationship will only happen when the father gets his relationship with his daughter within his control.

I have been a step parent. His father did not have any rules for his 8 yo son. Because there were 6 of us in the home (only 2 childen; his and mine) there had to be some rules. His father said he'd support me as I enforced the rules that both of us had decided upon. He didn't support me. He didn't even enforce the rules when he was there. I gave up after 6 years and moved back to Oregon. I wish I had known more about step-parenting and been able to have a better understanding of what I would be able to do. This is another relationship in which one needs good boundaries for the relationship to survive.

Correct me if I'm wrong...but when you say "7 months new to the area and the current relationship I am in"...you mean you've only been in the relationship with her father for 7 months? And he has given you full responsibility for his child??? I may be confused. You say you're newly into a relationship, but then you call his 11 year old your stepdaughter?

Couple points if I'm right that you've only been together 7 months;
- Are you his girlfriend or his nanny?
- What did he do for childcare before you entered the picture?
- Do they live with you, or do you live with them?
- Has he done this with all of his girlfriends? (I mean...I would be reacting the same way his daughter is, if every time he had a new love interest my life got turned on it's head because she's the "instant new mommy complete with her own rules/expectations/disciplines/punishments"

This whole situation sounds concerning...it sounds like this man doesn't care about either of you, or the position he puts you both in. At the very least, it sounds like boundaries and expectations are blurred to non-existent.

Hi T.,

From your post, it sounds like you, too, are angry with the situation you're are currently in. The relationship between your partner and his daughter sounds like it may have lacked boundaries to begin with. I wholeheartedly agree with Marda in that all directions regarding discipline/responsibilities need to come from dad. This may be a difficult area, but for her to hear these things from you only exasperates the situation.

Imagine having your own way, as you say she has had in the past, and someone else coming along and telling you how things are going to be. If it were in a job situation, we as adults would be rightfully pissed off. Although this young girl needs adults to be in charge ( and it sounds like your partner may have done her a grave disservice by letting her have her way in the past), she still has the same feelings as we might, plus the added frustration of being a child in the situation and having no say in the matter whatsoever.

I also have to say that while it sounds like you had genuinely good intentions in signing her up for Boys and Girls Club while her dad was gone, she may have taken it to be that you didn't want her around. I myself was a child of divorced parents, and would likely have interpreted any placement in a program without having been asked about it as being "farmed out" so that my stepparent didn't have to deal with me. (you didn't mention having asked her about it, which is why I mentioned it.)

If you are committed to the relationship (and that means to her, also!) get your family into some counselling situations. It sounds like you need to go as a family all together, you and your partner need to go as a couple, and this young lady needs to go individually and with dad. This may sound intense--and expensive--but look for a good counselor who can offer a sliding scale-based fee. Trust me, it's going to suck big time at first, but the situation sounds like the adults either invest in it wholy or cut your losses. My mom has been married five times, so I know from whence I speak--I've watched a lot of drama unfold with stepsiblings and stepparents, etc. My best wishes to you and all your new family.

From scanning the responses, it seems most people are responding to the aspects of family dynamics you described. This provides an explanation for what's happening, but doesn't give you much help in dealing with the day to day issues. I'd encourage you and your significant other to use the "Love and Logic" parenting approach. You can get the books, and possibly videos as well, at the library. But if a class is being offered in your area, that's the best way to learn the method. Classes are often offered at local schools for very little cost. Both parents need to take the class so they are on the same page with logical consequences for behavior. Good luck.

I am not a step parent,but am/was a step child at about this age. I can tell you the advice that I have read and heard. Your husband should be the primary disciplinarian. If you are left alone with her then he should back you up. But the rules, consequences etc. should be coming from him. I know it must be hard and to go against the "team parenting" approach. Especially when you think it is the best thing for her. But this time you don't have to be the bad guy. Your job is just to build a relationship with her and for you to try to fit into their lives. This is the choice you made by marrying him. Good Luck.

as a stepdaughter, you are pushing WAY too hard WAY too fast. yes, your SO's daughter needs a firm hand and a solid path, but you are not the one to do it. her dad and only her dad can make the decision the discipline her and implement a schedule at his house. i understand that you're concerned, but you need to step back and let dad take over. if you can't handle that, then you need to get out. i hated my stepmom (and still do) because even though i had a mother, my stepmother tried to change my sister and i into people who did things her way. well, that, and she was super condescending. but the point is, you can't take a preteen from a previous relationship (for instance, i was 12 when my father and stepmother met) and turn them into your child. it's one thing for you to be an authority figure, but you are not the authority for this child. until you can be respectful of her boundaries, she's not going to be respectful of you.

I would suggest that the 3 of you go and see a family therapist. In life we tend to see things through our own set of lenses, and so it can be difficult to understand what someone else if feeling, for both her and you. Her father should be there too, and then you can all explore how the new arrangement is making you all feel. Having someone there from the outside can help guide you all and help you all see a little more clearly what the others are feeling, so you can all find a solution that will work for everyone involved.

You are not her mom. She sees you as an invader into her happy home. The chore lists and homework assignments should come from her father. And as hard as it is, you will have to stay out of it. And it will be hard. Tell her father to take the responsibility to assign the chores and limitations, stand up for the good of the child because she really needs it.

And if it goes beyond where you can't stand it, well you know what to do, as hard as it might be, it might be easier to go than to stay.

Oh I had to laugh...I hate to say it but your husband is right. She's a pubescent stepchild. It's not going to be pretty or fun for awhile. Here's my advice..ignore her. Simply walk away..and don't let her press your buttons. If you have to deal with her..simply deal with what you need to..ignore the rest..she's being hateful because you are reacting like you take it personally. Try a distanced approach. Don't invite her in...let her come to you. React only where necessary. She wants you to leave and be defeated and if you leave she wins. She wins her daddy back to her full attention and you lose..and so does he. DO NOT let her win. My husband comes from a blended family as well and he can attest to the problems that happen when stepmom moves in. He was your daughter's age..and he spent the better part of his teenage years doing things she didn't like LOL She didn't leave and he did when he was 17 because he COULDn'T win LOL.:) He survived and so did she and they get along all the better now and even laugh about some it now. At 11 most kids don't have empathy. They lose it for awhile and they don't know how bad it hurts you..or if they do they do not care. SO, you have to take a deep breath and learn to walk away. Don't sweat the small stuff. As far as the bounderies. Continue to set limits, have consequences etc. Don't stop that..just don't react when she has her tantrum. Tell her she will go to her room and stay there til she can talk like an 11 yr old kid instead of a 3yr old baby and see if that gets her attention. Tell her you do like her and that you want to work this out but not when she is being like this. Maybe plan a "girls" day when things settle down a bit. So you and her can get to know each other. Take her to the dollar store, out for "coffee" *cocoa) for her, and maybe buy some nail polish and do your nails with her. Stuff 11yr old girls like to do that daddies don't do...Depending on what kind of things she's into, you can tailor it..and if she improves you have a bag of "girlfriend" activities. After all part of the problem is the wording "Stepmom and "Dad's Girlfriend" sound like dirty words to an 11 yr old girl who is just getting a concept of what she finds "morally correct". Remember when you found out what words you shouldn't ever say? She's learning some of them now...words that describe your "Jezibelian" activities with her dad. Remember when they are only about 5 or six most little girls have some image of their dad as the man they will marry. She can take care of her dad, why does he need anyone but her? These are questions 11yr olds come up with their own answers for. Good luck..don't leave because of her..or because of how he reacts to her. Let them have their relationship..and you build one with her on your own terms. Treat her how you would want to be treated but do demand respect by simply walking away when she gets mean. Don't let her see you hurt...get out of the room...shed a couple tears if you must but remember she's 11...what does she know. Once inawhile...if you are feeling particularily catty, laugh at her. 11 yr olds hate that. Laugh at her when she uses words that she doesn't really know what they mean..words that hurt. Ask her if she knows...if she calls you a "Sl*t" for instance..laugh and say "darling, you have no idea what that word means". Get a swear jar if that's a problem, and more than anything laugh..tell her you think its great she can express herself so very dramatically..things like that. Use your own string of big words..(without being too personal) that describe her..."narcissistic" comes to mind as a good start. When she comes home from school show interest in the more frivolous parts of it..(if she's gushing about a boy, or some hot topic of gossip). This is an 11yr old's world..don't try to stop it. You can limit it..and you can tell her there are limits, but she has to make the choices and pay the consequences..so ultimately its not up to you. If you leave..she wins..don't let that happen.

You don't say if her Mom is in the picture, but it sounds as if she's not. This little girl has been the lady of the house for sometime, and you are the other woman. So this is going to be difficult, but well worth you time, effort and love for both of them. Where she had no structure before, these changes are major ones in her life. Dad should be the one to deliver the majority of the edits. So she doesn't get the idea that she can separate the two of you. You considering leaving is a clear indication that she's winning this contest. Don't make it a contest. While you and I know the chores are reasonable, and the homework is a must, pick your battles. Homework is first and foremost and this must come from Dad. The both of you can sit her down and talk about how all three of you will do various things around the house because you're all working at your jobs (your's, his and her's at school), but you all pitch in to make things work at home. At 11 yrs old I'm surprised her friends' parents haven't clamped down on the phone calls to their homes.
You didn't say how long you had dated Dad before you moved in. This will make a difference. If she didn't get to know you for very long before you appeared, this is a huge change in her life. You don't know what transpired before your arrival with other women or with her Mom, you didn't have an opportunity to build that relationship before you arrived. You have some work to do. Your significant other is a package deal, dad and daughter. For better or worse... and this may be the worse.

I am a step-mom. I disagree with most of the advice left so far. All the advice about parenting and how to deal with her behavior? Completely irrelevant--you shouldn't be having anything to do with parenting at this point. I would seriously consider getting out of the relationship, at least the co-habitating part, for now. His main concern needs to be raising this child to responsible adulthood. I would check out what Dr. Laura has to say on the subject. Children are not there to be subject to the romantic whims of adults. If you do decide to stay, I would read "The Courage To Be A Step-Mom." She is only 11 years old, and her dad's whole world Should revolve around her. If you stay, you Must be willing to be in the back seat until she is grown. I know that you intentions are good, and all the changes you have tried to make in the household would be better for her--if you can persuade her dad to make them, that's one thing, but you have no legit authority here, nor should you. Just think it over.

Dear T.:

Your email sounds like you are very much wanting to have a wonderful relationship with your stepdaughter and care about her very much. All the things you have presented sound like a wonderful plan and I feel should be continued. However, they should be continued by the father and not you. Step-parents of children past a certain age, have to play a specific more indirect role in the parenting process. If this were me, I would sit down with my partner and have him devise a plan to continue all the things you have implemented. This is not your place to do so. Many Dr.'s and therapist believe that after a certain age, you the step-parent, should only dicipline in regards to things that directly effect your person. The rest can be discussed by both parents but enforced by the birth parent. Keep up the good intentions, she will someday know what a blessing you are in her life.

Good luck.

It sounds like you are doing the major share of parenting and that Daddy needs to step in and put his foot down with her. She needs to hear these major changes from him and that her behavior won't be tolerated any longer.

Ditto on the time-outs. They are effective and schools use them these days, so they shouldn't be all that unfamiliar to her.

Good luck.
D.

It is hard as a woman to step back and hope that the dad will step in...some are better at this than others. If you are really serious about making this work with you and them, I would STRONGLY suggest some counseling. At 11 it is hard to understand why daddy would need to bring another woman into "our" lives. I remember feeling this way when my father found my step-mother. Had my mom not had the foresight to get us kids some counseling to work through the transitions we probably would've had a much rougher time growing up.

It is really good for everyone to know their place in the relationship and she needs to feel as if you haven't taken over the bond she had with her dad...the bond between a daughter and her father is incredibly strong to begin with in most cases add to the fact that there doesn't seem to be a "mother" in the picture before you and that bond becomes so much stronger.

Give her time to work through the issues and get her in to talk to someone outside of the situation who can help her deal with the change in a better way. It probably wouldn't hurt if you all saw a family counselor as well to work on the different roles and what is expected in your house to work as a unit.

I know it was a life saver in our house when my parents divorced and found other halves. There are a ton of good books out there too that can help you talk to her and that she can read on her own that might help her understand better. Try to remember that most of her anger (if not all of it) is based in fear....fear that you are taking over the love her and her dad had, fear that she isn't as important to him as you are, fear that her concerns and fears aren't being heard, fear of a LOT of things...it is a scary time...and she is only 11, these are concepts she doesn't understand as much as we would like to think she does. Try to be patient and find some help for yourself and for her.

Best of luck...with the right help...you can all get through this and come out doing great on the other end...I know from experience.

Does she live with you full time? Has her mother said things to her to contribute to her anger? Have grandparents said things to her to contribute to her anger?

These are things you need to find out or better yet her father needs to find out.

My brother is wonderful with children but went through ... with the new step child. Grandparents were saying horrid things.

If someone is influencing her talk to them and get them to realize this is not OK.

If no one is influencing her dad needs to have a talk with her. Dad needs to make sure she knows she is loved but this behavior makes him really sad. Hopefully she wants to see her father happy. He needs to explain that he cannot make money to buy things for her if he is really unhappy. She needs to understand the consequences of her behavior.

She needs a chore chart with rewards spelled out. She needs a behavior chart with rewards spelled out. "Oh, you want that new CD. Well if you get your chores done in a timely manner and have good behavior marks you and I could go get that CD." She needs to see rewards and lack of rewards for her behavior. Maybe two good weeks and she gets a date with Dad--dinner and a movie.

If possible you and she need to take a walk each day and just talk about how things are going/look at the world around you. Talk about school, sports, friends, books anything she is interested in.

Read the same book she is reading in school and discuses it.

You have your work cut out for you if she ruled the house before you came.

Realize the hateful things she says are not true. Try to ignore them. Do not react to them because then she knows she is winning the game of drive you away. If you stick it out you both win.

Get some tutoring for her math difficulties. Kids who are having a tough time just do not understand something. A good tutor should be able to figure it out and clear it up for her.

I agree with a lot of the ladies are saying.

My friend read a book called Parenting the Difficult Child & said it helped. I suggest Loveandlogic.com, the website & books are of great help to me & my daughter's school has the teachers take courses, so we are all on the same page.
It sound like to me she is an only child like my daughter. My daughter is just now 7 years & likes to have fits all the time too if she doesn't get what she wants or is made to do chores. She always like to ask me "If I do this can I...." I tell her don't even think of asking me for a priviledge before you get all homework & chores done. If she asks after that I just send her to her room for 7 minutes, 1 minute for every year, to think about what she just did. It ends up taking her 7 to 21 minutes longer to get everything done some days & then there is no time left for privilages. She learns not to push my buttons or she is the one who will suffer the natural consequenses of her choices.

Oh, T., I feel for you! The first thing I'd suggest is taking care of yourself! A stepmom's role is such a tough one (I'm a stepmom too). And when the Dad is out of town, it's almost impossible if the trust isn't there from the stepkids to begin with. So I would suggest starting with yourself first and finding a way to get grounded, calm and unattached to your stepdaughter's reactions. There's nothing you can do (at first) that will change her, but if you change your reactions, strangely enough, it gives her room to change as well.

I use a technique that is called "Continual Tapping". Based on EFT, this is a technique that uses acupressure points to let big emotions pass on through. It's been invaluable to me, and to many of my friends. I'm also a self-development coach, so I use this technique with all my clients and they get immediate results with it. Many have taught this to their kids too, to great benefit.

Let me know if any of this interests you and perhaps we can talk more. And again, I feel for ya!

K.

I have a 10 year old daughter with the same temper I made her watch super nanny with me and we discussed the behavior of those children. I'm telling you right now there have been times where I just want to slap the smart mouth out of her, but use the naughty corner instead! It works! They have to stay in it 1 minute for each year of age(time restarts if she leaves & I have to make her go back). 10 minutes(or longer) gives her time to think about the situation, calm down, & she talks to me when the time out is over. It's effective and after being it once, just the threat now usually does the trick. She will stop & think and we handle situations that come up, daily, much better.

At this age their hormones are kicking in and it's confusing. Your situation of being the step mom isn't going to be easy. It is going to take a long while for her to warm up to you. Is her real mom still in the picture?( not knowing the situation there, be positive if you ever speak about her mom) What you are doing with her, schedule wise, is what the girl needed. She was getting away with anything she wanted. It sounds like she had no direction, no one to teach her responsibilities...

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. If your relationship has lasted this long and both of you are communicating and sticking to the plan, it will work, she will eventually come around.

Wow! I totally relate to your situation. As I am sitting here checking Mamasource out of desperation, by boyfriends 11 year old daughter is upstairs in her room on the phone venting to someone about how much she hates life here at our house and wants to live with her mom! My situation almost mirrors yours except that I have knwon my boyfriend for almost 7 years, and we also have 2 toddlers - one is mine from a previous relationship and one is his. In this case the 11 year old is neither of ours, but is his sons sister. (whew!) anyhow, I don't really know what the answer is to your situation, but I can empathize and understand how terrible it is to always feel like the bad guy, especially when you are trying your hardest to make life better for them! In the last few months I have been attempting to get his daughter involved in after school and/or weekend activities hoping that more peer interaction and learning to work positively with a team would have a good effect on her self esteem and attitude. Unfortunately I met resistance the entire way as she told me that she "hated" after school activities and all she wanted was for things to be "the way they used to be." The funny thing is that for her, things have been horrible in the past! What she really means is that she wants to be able to get away with anything and everything and have no responsibilities or consequences. I understand that to an 11 year old this may seem appealing, but it's just not good for her and she is in a world of trouble if something doesn't change. Tonight it is about cleaning her room, earlier this evening it was about showering, this afternoon it was about doing homework before being allowed to download music, and on and on. Help!!! Anyhow I feel you pain and good luck!