How to Deal with a Husband Who Cant Accept 25 Year-old Son Who Is Gay

it's hard for me to have an unbiased opinion on this. my brother is gay, and my parents were very worried about him when he came out to them, but didn't judge him negatively the way your husband seems to. my husband and i both love our boys so much. i can't imagine how that would change due to whom THEY love.
i hope your son chooses not to marry a woman and have children to please you. it would be a terrible injustice to the woman as well as to your son.
i'm glad you were able to forgive your husband his egregious transgressions, but am not sure how you deal with a man who is treating your child this way.
but i guess you have to let him work it out for himself. YOU keep giving your son unconditional love, and only interfere with the relationship between father and son if your husband is doing unacceptable things like stealing his luggage. (really?)
it sounds as if you have accepted a lot in order to keep peace in the family. that's a great attribute. but sometimes you have to put your foot down.
khairete
S.

Hi Sophie,

What a tough situation to be in. I feel for you. As a gay weoman, I have some insights that may be of some help for you.

Your son is still struggling. I firmly believe that being gay is NOT a choice. I could have told you from a very young age (like five or 6) that I was gay, but I didn't know that words for it, I just knew I was different. I mean, who would CHOOSE to be part of a group that is so often targeted for hate crimes, and by people who are filled with so much anger toward gy people? I can tell you your son is still trying to find out who he really is, and it sounds like he is trying to make you happy. Please let him know that it won't make you happy if he marries. He needs the encouragement to find his way to be himself. He an still raise a family with being married. In many states (excluding Florida) gay people can adopt children, they don;t need to be married to do this.

It is always hard when a child comes out to his or her parents. One of the best things my parents did was to go to counseling. I don't know if you or your husband would be up for it, but my parents said it was helpful. Counseling for your son might be good too.

Does your son live with you? If so, and you are concerned about your husband hurting your son, is there some way you can find another place for your son to live? Ifi your husband does hurt your son, that couls be considered a hate crime, so please think about if you are ready to call the police.

What your son really needs to hear right now from you is that you love him no matter what and that you lwill be there for him.

Someone mentioned PFLAG. That is an awesome resource. Use it.

I wish you the best.
M.

Your husband is wrong and he will have to come to this realization himself. I have not dealt with this, but being involved in theater since I was in junior high, I can tell you that the people I know who are gay KNEW they were gay prior to puberty.

You can only be the best mom you can be and keep on doing what you're doing. Contact pflag.org, google "support for parents with gay children" and see what resources there might be for you. Your husband may not be ready for it, but YOU need to take care of yourself so you can be the rock for your family at this tough time. Your husband may never change how he feels, and that is his loss. But you must not allow him to get in the way of YOUR relationship with your son. Tell your son you love him always will, and that he must not force himself to be something he is not just to "please" his family (that would just destroy so many people on so many levels).

Hugs to you for your strength and love.

Wow. Who really cares what he does/or who he does in the bedroom? He sounds like an awesome kid that you were blessed with!

I am sure it is a shock and us "normal", gotta laugh at that term, don't understand but do you really think he would go through all this heartache if he could control this issue? Surely not. Poor guy.

Dad needs to love his son unconditionally, he may not "get it" but it really isn't about him, he needs to get over himself.

Love your boy, be in his corner as right now he NEEDS his mother to love and care about HIM.

God loves him and tell him so, God doesn't judge, He is a loving and forgiving parent, He LOVES him.

Give your boy a big a BIG hug for me! He is awesome.....

I'm sad for your family. I can understand your frustration and being upset, and also understand that your husband feels pretty blindsided.

I would encourage you to find a chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Gays and Lesbians.) Here's a link to their site:

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2

This might end up being a great educational and support source for your husband. Many in the PFLAG community have experienced just what your husband is going through. Try to remember, too, that from what you described, part of your husband's anger,spoken or not, is directed at himself and his own past actions. He's having to take a good, hard look at parts of his life that really hurt him (and your family) in some way. It would be one thing if he was ready to do this soul-searching, but having it thrust upon him is likely looking pretty ugly right now.

And like Dawn mentioned, if you are concerned about your son's safety, take good precautions until your husband's emotions are more settled. I have had friends who have come out to their parents and sometimes the initial time after coming out is the hardest. And again-- check out PFLAG chapters close to you, even if your husband doesn't go, it can be a great resource and support for you and your son, too.

Hugs. H.

Bless your heart. I'm sorry that you are going through this with your husband. (I'm not saying that I am sorry for you because your son is gay because I don't feel that way. I know you are sad because you probably hoped for grandkids, a DIL, etc, but being gay is not something he can help.)

I am worried about your comment about fear of your husband hurting your son. I don't quite know what this means.

I think that you have to give your husband some time to digest this. Then you need to drag him to a counselor to talk this through. If there really is a fear that he could hurt your son, you need to move heaven and earth to make him go with you to counseling. One of the things that HAS to be discussed is all his faults and actions that caused his family pain, and have been accepted regardless. And that he must accept his son as you have accepted him. Quite frankly, your husband COULD help how he acted. Your son cannot help that he is attracted to males.

I would be very tempted to separate from your husband if he won't go to counseling with you over this, knowing the pain he put his own family through in the past. It's like the straw that is breaking the camel's back - his attitude towards his son after all his own behavior. Perhaps knowing that he will be alone will make him decide to go.

Good luck,
Dawn

Maybe a reach out to organizations such as PFLAG (parents and families of Lesbians and Gays) might be helpful. Meeting other parents who have faced the same issues might give you comfort. I do believe that no one "chooses" their sexual orientation, anymore than they choose their gender. And who knows, you might be lucky and your son might have a partner with whom he wishes to raise kids and they can adopt!
You are a loving person and giving your son that love and acceptance will set the tone for your husband.
Love L

Tell your son you totally love and support him, no matter what. And tell him, under no circumstances should he marry a woman and have kids just to make you feel better. It wouldn't (shouldn't) make you feel better to have him playact at being someone he's not, possibly hurting (destroying) a woman and young kids in the process. He's gay. He's not going to turn into a heterosexual while acting in a role to appease his parents.

Double down on the love and support, since your husband is incapable. And never, ever, ever side with your husband on this one. If your husband continues to be so unreasonable after he's had time to adjust, and you can handle it, you can try and be nice to him. But totally let your husband know that you disagree with his opinion/stance/actions regarding your son and you will not support his opinions. Tell him he is wrong, but you still love him too.

And, finally, it is quite possible (maybe even likely) that your son will find a partner and eventually have a family of his own. Happens all the time.

Good luck. I wish you and your family well.

Oh my gosh - this brought tears to my eyes:( I am just trying to imagine how I would deal with this - I love my son so much that when he hurts, I hurt!! I would not change a thing with my relationship with my son - I would still love and support him as much as possible. I would NEVER expect him to do/be anything just because it's what he thinks his parents would want. I've always told my kids I want them to be happy above anything else - and if that's being gay, straight, rich, poor - I didn't care. Just being a good person is what's important.

I would let your husband deal with it in his way - he probably needs time to take it all in and hopefully he'll come around. If he doesn't, then that's his problem, not yours. While I totally understand it is painful to see your son and husband be estranged, you can't change your husband. Just be there for your son and keep the relationship going.

Good luck and God bless!!!

My heart hurts for you and your son. Do you need to be married to this man? I know you can't really paint a complete picture of your marriage in your one question, but what I got from it is your husband is distant, judgemental, unfaithful and homophobic. Is he really such a prize?
If you had written that your husband, who is sterling fellow in all other ways, is having a tough time coming to terms with your sons sexuality, then I would counsel that you talk to your husband about acceptance. But I got the impression from your post that that is not the case. Please take a serious look at your marriage.

Your husband might come around. Who knows?
I have seen O. marriage end in divorce over non-acceptance of a gay child.
The MOM just couldn't accept it in that case.

Bottom line: Unconditional love or not.
That applies to your husband and his son...and you & your husband.
Good luck!

I don't think you can change your husband or his feelings on the matter. The only person you have the power to change is yourself. It's possible that his feelings will evolve over time, but that's not something you can control.

I would embrace my son, and if I felt my husband hindered me from doing so I would either work around it, or my marriage might be in jeapardy (depending on my husband's actions).

Pray and trust your heart, and God's guidance.

It looks like your husband is pretty "immoral" himself. Perhaps acknowledging his flaws will finally make him stop judging your poor son by those moral standards HE could never met. He definitely will need time to grow up and, by looking at himself, finding it easier to accept somebody else's "flaws". In the meantime, some solid education about how being gay is NOT a choice (his actions, on the contrary, were) should help. Jeez.
Please, stand by your son, he's your blood and flesh...your husband, well...
Good luck and stay strong. You know what's the right thing.

My cousin went through this a few years ago when he came out.
His dad rejected it, and really, really struggled.
But, he came around. I'm guessing your husband will too. It might be good for him, in the long run, to open up his mind. Your son is still your son, and the good person he always has been. Your husband will realize that in time.

Your son will be just fine. This has to be a relief for him to not have to hide it anymore. I know for my cousin, we all watched as his life, both personally and professionally, thrived once he stopped "hiding". He's doing wonderfully now that he's totally comfortable and knows who he is.

Look into PFLAG, when your husband relaxes. It sounds like it's been very recent, and he's going to need some time to adjust, since he's clearly not comfortable with homosexuality.
I would encourage you to encourage your son to tell you about his life. Men he's interested in, or dating. How he spends his time. The more that this is weaved into the "norm" for your husband, the more accepting he'll eventually become.

I hope with all my heart that your husband can find a way to accept and love your son for who he is. My first husband was gay, but forced himself into a box because his family would not accept him. The slow process of finding out over seven years that he was depressed- depressed because he had lied to me and himself and everyone else to marry me devastated me to the core. I had married him for true, deep, soulmate love and he had married me to keep his parents happy. In time, I have realized that his parents were largely responsible for the pain I went through with him. I think that now that his parents are gone, he will finally start accepting himself- but for God's sake, the man is 50! He has wasted all these years keeping his parents happy and deeply breaking several women's hearts. This is not worth it. Tell your husband to please do some therapy or find another way to accept him.

FYI It took me quite a few years to trust again, but I am happy to say I did, and met a wonderful man and now have a late blooming family and two sons!

First of all, you have a great son! He sounds awesome. Well my take on this is that life is too short to be fretting about someone's sexuality. You have a good son and one that obviously loves you both. Love should trump all.

Your husband is overreacting perhaps that is why your son hadn't come to you sooner to let you know about his feelings and sexuality. Well now the truth is out there and this is the time that your husband as well as you need to step up and show your worth. Your son holds both of you in high esteem or else he wouldn't feel the need to take care of you both in your old age (so sweet) so show him your best quality. Don't let your son down.

Take care and I hope all goes well for you.

Family dramas can be so hard, mainly because you care so much for each other. First, you might check out Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2

They will have kiterature and some ideas about how to come to terms with your husband. Your son sounds amazing, I wish him the best.

Sophie, you seem to be a good mother and a very understanding wife. However, he is your son. You need to make sure he is happy. No one can tell him what his sexuality should be. Don't try to make him something he is not because that can only hurt him in the long run.

As for your husband he may never get over the fact that his son is gay. You can try to take him to counseling but from reading your post I don't think he would be interested. Whatever happens please don't let your husband ruin your relationship with your son.

Your son can have a family one day. If he finds a significant other they can adopt or get a surigate or he can do it as a single person. Just encourage him to be the best person he can be. Being gay isn't a bad thing it's just different than what you and your husband are. You said he is your youngest so that means he has siblings. I would encourage them to talk to your husband. He needs to accept his son but if he doesn't than he will always have you in his corner. Good luck!!

He just found out. Sounds like you already knew. You've had a lot of time to come to terms with it, he's had one week. Give the man a break. If your husband is religious and or bible believing (sound like that might be the case), this is going to be harder on him than it will the average parent because of the bible's clear teaching that those who continue in sexual immorality will not inherit the kingdom. So your husband has a very hard adjustment ahead of him. He either has to change his religious beliefs or accept what the bible says about the sexually immoral. Either one a very painful process. All you can do is encourage him to treat your son in love and kindness while he grieves, but for goodness sake, let the man grieve. I don't care how "tolerant" one profess to be, gay people statistically live with more depression and less happy lives than straight people do. even if you don't think God sees homosexuality as a sin there is still loss here- no grandkids. There is not much you can do, but i would encourage you to encourage your husband to make contact with him to tell him one thing and one thing only-that he loves him no matter what.

your husband is still in shock. i know i can deal with it and accept it. but my husband and his family being catholic i dont think would be so accepting if our daughter was gay.
your son sounds like an amazing young man. i think he will be truely successful. i think your husband hasnt come to terms yet with it and may feel like a failure. in time he will either come around and accept or your son will accept that he wont accept him. the important thing is that they continue to comunicate.
best wishes with your son and your family.

I think a lot depends on your home country and how culturally as a whole they view gay people. Also, your faith/religion and what it teaches about homosexuality.

That being said...from what you describe it sounds like your husband may be really blaming himself for "his son being gay" if he was an absent father, not really there for his son while growing up and believes that environment makes someone gay.

I was raised in a pretty strict fundamental Christian background and had it drilled into me from a young age that gay people choose to be gay. Which I always found a bit strange because why would you chose to be attracted to the same sex...when to the core of my being I found men to be desirable, hot, sexy, etc.

Anyways one of the young men at my church and I were and still are very close friends (his parents thought that we would marry)...anyways, turns out he is gay. He came out to me when we were in college and thought I would reject him as all of our other friends from church had done...I was the last one he told. He told me about his struggles from the time he became aware of his sexuality...like 12 or 13 years old. And he struggled and prayed for years that God would take those desires away from him. Finally he just couldn't suppress them anymore...he had even been engaged to marry a young woman and probably would have if she hadn't broken it off.

I think he might have married a woman and had kids and the whole package for his parents that he also wanted to please...because they have never accepted the fact he is gay and refuse to believe that it is anything but a choice.

From what I have watched with him...his parents have never and probably will never accept that he is gay and he moved out of state and away from them.

You may never be able to change your husband's mind...or over time he may become more open about the idea...I fell a lot will end up being cultural...here in the US it is more acceptable to be openly gay. I don't know about your country...sounds like it is not the United States.

I am sending you a huge hug..because I know whatever path in life my children take I will always love them and want the best for them...I know you do too. If you believe in prayer, pray for your husband to come to a place of peace about the situation. God loves us all, gay and straight.

Oh and give your husband a bit of time to sort out his feelings before you bring it up...at least a few days...men take longer to sort through their feelings...

He sounds like a WONDERFUL son.

Your husband will have to mourn the loss of what he thought his son was, and come to grips with who he really is. Give him time. It's like having a death in the family.

Love and support your son. He sounds incredible. Your husband will come around someday.

You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with your son. You should encourage him no matter what, and screw your husband. Your husband is going to push your son away. Please don't let that get in the way of you and your sons relationship. Hopefully, your husband see's the light soon, or your son is not going to WANT to take care of him when he is old. Tell him to get over it or he will lose him forever.
Take care!

Your son, seems like a GREAT guy... and with a great heart, and with great talents and smart in life and academically.
Good for him.

For your Husband, he probably needs to attend Therapy.
In order to deal with this... and to deal with his adjustment to this and his son.
His son, is still his son, no matter what.
Your Husband, really needs professional help, in learning how to manage his feelings and attitude, toward his son. And towards, his own skeletons in his own closet.

You are a tremendous Mom... to your son. It almost brought tears to my eyes, about how you care for your son and talk with him.
Your son is lucky to have you....

I think men have a harder time with this particular thing than women/moms do.
It's unfortunate indeed.

Hopefully, since this is just a new revelation to your husband, once he has some time to try to wrap his mind around it and possilbly--with your help-- read a little more about homosexuality and becomes a bit more educated, he will stop feeling so threatened by it. He feels afraid, feels like it's his fault, is worried about what others will think and what a struggle it might be for his son that has now chosen to come out. He has probably been pretty closed minded about the Gay world and is very much behind the times.

There was a Dr Phil rerun yesterday about a lesbian daughter and the dismay of her parents.... it might be a good episode for both of you to watch together. I think Dr Phil handled it very well and by the end of the show both parents were able to understand much better.

My half-brother is gay and my father "disowned" him because of it. The rest of the family (including all of us siblings) consider my father to be 100% wrong! My brother is a psychologist. He has an amazing sense of humour, is very clever and one of the most loving people you might ever hope to meet. I totally agree with the mom who said that you don't choose your sexual orientation any more than you choose your gender. Anyone who discriminates against others (for any reason whatsoever) is the one with the problem, not the person being discriminated against!!

Keep loving and supporting your son, no matter what. Your husband will either grow up and realise that your son being gay is no "bad" reflection on him, or he won't. Either way, his opinion doesn't change the facts.