How to Deal with Mom Cliques

Stop trying.. there must be other moms who are being frozen out by the clique. Become friends with the other moms and ignore the stuck-ups.

It can be tough.
I tend to act like I don't need them and don't care what they are involved in.
They can't make me feel anything without my permission.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still helpful when it's convenient for me.
Eventually they usually respect my independence - and a little respect can go a long way.
For ladies that just cling together?
It's not a relationship I'd ever want to be in - so I leave them to it and am glad I'm not in the middle of that muddle.

It's nice when you can make friends with your fellow parents but it doesn't always work out that way.
Start focusing on things YOU like, take some classes, join a club or a gym, get involved with community activities, not just school related stuff.
You're a lot more likely to make friends when you are pursuing your own personal interests, that's how you meet people you actually have something in common with.

I have learned over the years that just because my sons have things in common with someone, that does not mean I will have things in common with the parents. Rather then trying to make friends at the school try doing something you enjoy and making friends that way. Examples for myself are the book club I belong too, and another club for alternative lifestyles I found locally. Take a class (cooking, painting, ect), find what you love, and get together with others who share your same passions. I know many painter friends who like to get together to drink wine and try to recreate (with their own spin) famous art works, I think that sounds like a blast.

sucks, doesn't it?
been in this little town for 25 years & the cliques run rampant. It's sooo sad to witness.
My sons' school years were challenging. Being an older mom, I was excluded repeatedly...& I considered that a good thing. :)
I am blessed with an abundance of acquaintances, & limit my close relationships to just a few very special ladies.
I say find your Happy Place & blossom! Good luck!

When I first moved here, I went through the same thing. Kids were young and I tried to make friends with the other moms at the school. I volunteered, did playdates, all of that stuff. And I ran into the same thing as you: moms who'd known each other for years and were well established in their friendship circles. I just couldn't break in. And then I realized, I didn't really even LIKE these people. In any other situation, I'd never choose them as friends. I just thought I should be friends with the moms of my kids' friends. Reality check: you don't need to be friends with them. You can still have playdates for the kids without needing to be friends with the parents.

Here's how I found MY friends. I chose an activity that *I* enjoyed (in my case it was tennis) and started doing that. Then I met people through tennis clinics and lessons and randomly at the park, etc. That was about 5 years ago. At this point, I can't count how many people I've met and become friends with. We have parties, we go out to lunch, we play A LOT of tennis (helps to meet other tennis addicts!) and I absolutely love every minute of it. And as it turns out, I've met MANY tennis moms who, as it turns out, have kids who are friends with my kids. SO many! For example, I met one woman during one of our team practices. She and I *really* hit it off. Turns out her son and my daughter are REALLY GOOD FRIENDS! Total coincidence. This has happened so many times now. It's just fantastic!

So start from a place that YOU enjoy, build out from there and meet folks who enjoy the same activities. It'll still take some time, but you'll have more in common with those people than "our kids are in the same school" and that's a better basis for friendship. And when the kids are older and spending all their time with friends, YOU'LL have your own social circle and fun activities for YOU!

I just found a whole new group of friends within the last 2 years. I joined an organization that I feel passionately about. I have become fast friends with quite a few of the woman in the group, probably because we share this passion. These friends are truly friends and have been there for me during the two major surgeries I have had in the last 10 months. There are other acquaintances I have made through school volunteering but none of these woman would I consider true friends to call on during my time of need.

I think it is time for you to branch out. These woman are simply not friend material. This is not a reflection of you in any way. They sound very cliquish and it was just rude to talk about this party in front of you.

cliques are icky. but generally only to high schoolers.
you sound like a really nice gal who is trying really really hard. so give yourself permission to quit paddling against the stream.
it's very possible, even likely, that the 'cliques' aren't really cliquey, just a community of women who have fallen into a comfortable familiarity with each other. you can't just jump into that degree of comfort. you ease into it. when you're hyper-focused on meeting and playing and being right in the center of things, it brings with it an element of DIScomfort.
i mean, maybe you're not. maybe you're very relaxed and groovy about it and they're just bitches. but expecting to be invited to the 'big party' and being hurt and embarrassed about not being included in everything really does hearken back to being left out of birthday parties and other childhood hurts that adults really need to get past.
you're new. you can't break into every social group at once. it takes time. classifying the moms who know each other and are comfortable with each other as 'unkind' is creating a barrier that doesn't have to be there, that they're not necessarily putting there.
i've lived in this town for 25 years and we're still 'them people.' my boys, who grew up here, are 'us folks.' my dh and i will never be. but we do have friends, and we did participate in school stuff and little league and basketball and community clean-ups and backyard bbqs. we just didn't expect to do them all, nor did we expect that it would be wide open right from the gitgo.
if you take your focus off the 'popular girls' and stop worrying about fitting in with the clique and keep your eyes open for the other moms, the quiet ones, the outliers, the ones who aren't interested in being part of the stepford wives you might just find some kindred spirits.
just like in high school.
but better.
khairete
S.

Surely their are other moms that aren't in this clique. I would put effort into meeting the "outcast" moms.

My knee jerk reaction to your subject line...Don't.

They can't be the only moms. This is like me telling my kids that the people you WANT to hang out with may not WANT to hang out with you. Try meeting other people. Try things that interest YOU and go from there...like a book club, cooking class, dance class, etc. Find people who share your interests...those are friends that will last anyways.

I don't hang out with ANY school moms for completely different reasons, one of which is: I don't have time. I'm a stay at home single mom, but I'm also a painter, and with so many art shows to get ready for, so many art openings to drag the kids to, so many artist friends having get togethers, so many friends of artist friends having events: You get the picture. I'm also active in the general community going to various political and local events, community gardens, farm days, whatever...we're busy busy busy and I know a lot of people. I've made good friendships in surrounding towns with people with common interests, and many of them don't even have kids which is why they're actually out and about doing stuff.

As for the school moms, we left my career in NYC to move to a small town to live on one income. Now I'm divorced with full custody (BUSY!!) The locals who attend my kids school aren't open to outsiders. Also, I'm in my 40's and most parents there are in their 20s. I can't get eye contact or a smile out of anyone when I go to school stuff. But who cares? I'm too busy to make friends there!! My kids have their own school friends and school life. They do sports through the YMCA..those parents are a little more friendly, but just in passing.

Look elsewhere for your friendships. I commend you for doing the right thing and being interested in school, and it stinks these ladies are cliquish. Maybe once you don't care, and you don't try, they'll become more interested when they see you in your limited spare time at the occasional event.

To your last question: How do you remain inclusive and welcoming and not change who you are to fit in..GIRL! They are rubbing off on you!!! First of all, changing who you are would not make you fit in. You could turn into and unwelcoming, snobby, alienating person and STILL not get invited to their dumb parties. And that's not really an option right? You don't want their companionship THAT bad do you? Be a good, warm, welcoming person, and let the stinky people go on by. Don't hold grudges. Be nice to them and accept they are not nice without anger. Your tribe will form around your true self.

And one more last thought: I have a lot of mom friends in their 40's from past locations where I've lived and we're still in touch. NO ONE has a big fat group of school mom friends. That clique is sort of weird. I even have some sort of "famous" mom friends from prominent families in their communities who have never moved, and they have a couple of close friends and do a school thing here and there when necessary. Your life at 40 does not need to revolve around your kids school. These ladies have issues.

I see a lot of this in our community. The moms are actually really nice people! It's just that many of them already have their circle of friends, and they're not really looking to add to it. My brother and I grew up in another part of town and somehow ended up where we live. Turns out that happened to a lot of families from our high school, so we know quite a few people (just acquaintances). What I've observed is that an awful lot of the families in our community never really left home. So many of the moms have been friends with each other long before having kids.

I love the suggestions to pursue your own interests and meet people that way. Another thing that has worked for me is getting to know the moms that are not a part of those cliques. The moms I've become freinds with also didn't grow up here or lived other places first. The new people kind of band together.

Try to remember that it's not so much that they are excluding you. They are just happy with their circle of friends and don't feel like going too far outside their comfort zone.

I'm probably the wrong person to answer this question, but you asked so I will tell you - I put zero stock in "Friends" I meet in these types of situations. These are my kids' friends - that doesn't mean I am automatically friends with their parents. In fact after moving to a small town 6 months ago, I'm starting to realize I really have very little in common with them, and that's ok. We raise our kids differently, we spend our time differently, and that's all fine. I don't bear them ill will and I don't long for inclusion. I just do my thing. Of course that's easier for me to say because I have my family and my own friends not too far away that I still spend time with. And I have just never been the type of person to strive for perfect acceptance everywhere I go. People can be crappy, lol. I don't let many into my inner circle. This is one reason why. I'm perfectly happy in my own life....being in the popular crowd doesn't necessarily hold much value for me. I have learned - if you put your self-worth in others' hands, you will always be let down.

You are trying pretty hard!! I do not know any of the parents in my children's classes. I mean, I know some of them by sight, but that's about it. I am not proud of it, but it also doesn't bother me. I have other activities where I have friends....my boy's sports team, my own college classes, community mother's group.
If these women can't see how awesome you are then you just find somewhere else! Join a community group, join a church (I don't do church, but a lot of people do), join a gym. You do you.
Gah, I really hate clicky moms. They are everywhere.

I agree with Kristin C. 100%. You don't have to be friends with the kids' moms - find your own thing and make friends there. If you really want to be friends with these moms, maybe try for a one-on-one meet-up for coffee or something. Find the one that you click with the best, and suggest meeting for coffee or at the park in the afternoon with the kids. Easier to do it one-on-one than in a group.

I would consider throwing a little gathering yourself. Invite a few of the moms over and enjoy some wine and munchies and get to know them a little better. I'd try to do that every couple of months and mix it up with new people here and there. I always enjoy these kinds of gatherings with my school-parent friends. You might not end up being best friends with any of them, but you might feel more in common with them and feel a little more included.

I'm so sorry. The high school culture is awful. I'm so thankful we homeschool but even then you occasionally get this BS.

I'm usually thankful I'm not one of them. Be yourself and you will find a few good friends. And they will be grown up friends who are comfortable as they are, not needing to put on airs to please others.

I also forgive other peoples lack of thoughtfulness and general unkindness. And then I praise the universe I'm not friends with them.

Embrace yourself and ignore those mean girls.

You would think that adulthood would change people but it clearly doesn't. I'm not friends with the moms at my daughters school. We are cordial to each other but I don't hang out with them. I do however get along with them. I guess it would be hard being in new town and trying to make friends.I wouldn't change the person you are but maybe if you stop trying they will feel more comfortable inviting you in. Good luck!!

I know exactly what you're going through. And yes, it is amazing how high school was easier than this kind of thing. People are so immature and caught up in themselves that they really can't see anything else, they really are unable to think with and clarity or sense any true knowledge or warmth of heart. They, themselves have created this over time.

Probably the best thing to do is to simply be yourself and remain kind, if you want to continue doing what and where you're doing it. It's not easy. It's easy to become resentful or lose confidence. Don't allow this to happen. Do what your heart is guiding you to do, what you actually want to do. Unless your being is into doing what you're already doing, you need to let it go because there's no purpose in it. If you truly believe and feel you should be there then be the best you can be regardless of their ignorance. If not, then find some place where you "belong". And remember it is not between them and you. it's between you and God. It's never between you and them. Read St. Mother Teresa's words about this because people will always be hateful or rude or unthinking but it doesn't mean you have to be. This is inspiring and I know I use it and try to remember it and live by it. I am often looked at as different even though I do for others all the time and always mean well.

You have some good answers here. And it'll take a considerate decision concerning this and a loving heart and will worked out in peaceful action.

Sending you warm thoughts and hope that you come to a peaceful amends within yourself about this.

http://brainsunlimited33.blogspot.com/2009/10/tribute-to-...

I agree with secondchancer. She brings some great points to the table. I see this a lot! I feel the same, I truly do not care to associate with others that are not that friendly or treat me or mine as if we are beneath them. You can truly tell the fake ones or the ones who are truly good people just more reserved than others. I have learned to keep myself out of these circles or cliques even if my daughter is friends with their daughters. And you have some that will have opinions which is fine . I devote my time and effort for anything that my children's school need help with. Some have other motives as to why they are always at their children's school. I believe my kids are talented enough to earn and succeed on their own. Not because I am writing checks or helping the school raise money. Sometimes these groups will only bring drama. Don't feel down!!