Should I Feel Offended or Left Out?

Just off the top of my head - could you say: "This trip sounds fun! Next time you all are arranging something like that, [husband] and I would love to be included!"

Some people feel like they don't want to "impose" things like weekend plans onto people who they don't know very well, believing that an invitation can create an awkward "pressure"...this woman might just be one of those people! I think the best "plan of attack" is just to make it known that you would truly be up for joining in the weekend trips etc.

I'm sorry you're feeling left out. That hurts. No need to apologize or defend a valid feeling.

I agree that a small private school can be a hard place to fit into. Often there is a history between families that goes way back, or they all attend the same church, or there may be other things that can present as obstacles to making friends.

It sounds to me that you have thrown yourself in to the school as your potential well from which to draw friends, so to speak.

I worked at a small private school for a couple of years, and I knew a mom or two who were at absolutely everything. They'd drive, chaperone, make lunch for teachers, volunteer in every position, head up any fundraiser, you name it. But you know what? Since they weren't on the staff at the school, or employed as aides or anything else, they kind of lost a bit of themselves in the hustle and bustle of school events, in their self-imposed roles of constant volunteers. I noticed that the moms who were helpful but not totally immersed had other interests that kept them engaged - gardening, a part-time job, a full-time job, a hobby, or volunteering at non-school things like the food pantry at the local shelter, and they seemed to have a variety of friends.

If I were you, I'd pull back a bit on the total school volunteering (you say it's been almost to the level of a part-time job). Of course, you can continue to do your part, and contribute helpfully.

But spend some other time getting to know yourself. Do you have a hobby? Do you want to take a class that has nothing to do with your kids' school, like cooking or painting or on some subject matter that interests you just for your own enrichment (a local college class on finances or Greek history or American Sign Language, for example)? Do you love doing something, like planting flowers, or upholstering chairs? Do you love antiques? What makes you YOU? Find that, and you just may find a group of people (maybe small, maybe large) that has similar interests, and you may find friends. It's not necessary to look for friends where you expected them to be - at your children's school. You may discover some friends where you least expected them.

I tend to agree with Chacha. You could say "Oh fun!" and see how that goes. Maybe you have.

Sometimes the dynamic is tricky and it's not on the woman to do the inviting - you never know with groups.

As for talking about it in front of you - the thing is, this might be her friend group. Think of it this way. If she was sharing her plans for the weekend and it involved her extended family, or if it involved her college friends .. would you be offended?

My only other thought is, maybe don't try quite so hard. This all sounds rather stressful and you want to meet women who will be positive and fun. This dynamic sounds a bit tense and chaotic. If it is cliquey and you're feeling left out - then I'd branch out. As soon as you do - say join a gym class even once a week - you won't feel so needy or desperate (not saying you are, but sometimes we feel this way). That will change your whole approach. You'll just relax and it's way easier to meet people.

Give it time and don't over think it.
I don't think they are excluding you so much as they have a well established group that you are on the fringes of.
Think of it as the bus is kind of full and they haven't figured out where you fit in yet.
Beware of coming across as needy.
I myself tend to shy away from people who appear to be looking for high maintenance friendships.
It's not my style to be in relationships where we live on each others doorsteps.
But I know some people just love doing that.

I'd also be careful in only cultivating friendships with other parents.
I say this because it's very common for those friendships to fall apart once the kids get older, and get involved in different things.
When the kids move on - the parents move on with them.

So try to find an interest that has nothing to do with your children.
Take a class, learn something new - and you'll meet people who have similar interests.
If you have a hobby - the hobby is still there when your kids changes schools/activities and goes to college - so the friends you make through these interests will still be there.
It's not easy finding kindred spirits.

This is tricky. It's natural to want to be "friends" with the other parents at your kids' school (whether you're new in town or not) and I appreciate your effort. I also spent a lot of time volunteering and socializing with other parents for this very reason.
But really, you'll find that your kids' friendships change over the years, and most of the parents you meet will be more like friendly coworkers than true friends. You may get lucky and really connect with someone but I have found that for the most part adults are so emotionally vested in their children, families, jobs and their own friends that they simply don't have the time or energy to pursue new, deeper relationships.
Now that my kids are grown the only real school/kid related friendships I have maintained have been the moms in my book club. And while we consider each other "friends" it's still a fairly distant friendship, as we only meet once a month to socialize and talk books, and sometimes go to a movie together.
I would say keep putting yourself out there, but also look beyond your kids for connections, take a class or join a group or club that interests you (art? sewing? technology? yoga? DIY?) or volunteer through the community in addition to the school.

I am sure it hurts. It could be that their group is so entrenched that, to her, it's like saying her extended family is going for a weekend. It could be that she's rude and thoughtless. It could be that she was kind of feeling you out to see if you'd say, "Oh, fun!" as suggested below.

I see that your are doing a neighborhood book group which is different than the school families. So that's good.

It may be that you have limited your choices by choosing a small private school. Yes, the classes are smaller, which can be good for kids, but it also limits the adult "choices" to people who may not have a lot in common except their kids. I taught in 2 private schools and there were many advantages, but it was also a closed social circle in many ways, for both kids and parents.

You are working your tail off - and perhaps that's not good for you. You may be too invested and feeling kind of desperate ("If I only do a bang-up job on this project, surely I'll be noticed and invited for something"). I tend to go overboard with taking on responsibilities and I do get over-extended sometimes, then resentful when people don't step up.

Or it may be that you seem to be so buttoned up that people feel you don't have any needs at all or are so busy elsewhere that you wouldn't have time anyway. Or maybe they ARE closed and rude - in which case, you're losing nothing in the long run by not having a closer friendship. I realize it doesn't feel like that at all right now.

I've also recently had to cut back 2 friendships with very needy people (with issues far beyond what you're talking about - please understand that - one with severe physical handicaps and one with mental health issues/PTSD). I could not meet their needs for constant, one-sided attention. I had to manage both of them at a bar mitzvah for a 3rd friend's special needs child, and one in particular basically said I wasn't doing enough for her because it was all about the bar mitzvah family! (Um, yes, that's right - it was!) Anyway, I realized the friendships aren't satisfying for me, and I can't meet people's mental health needs. As I said, I don't think you're in this category - and you are giving all the time, not just receiving as my friends are. But my point is, are these 2-way relationships, or 1-way. So, if you really analyze this situation, and you don't feel you have satisfying relationships, maybe it's time to stop giving so much. Move beyond the schools to more groups like the book group that meet YOUR needs, as an adult and as a woman, vs. as a parent. If you're missed, the school moms will call you. If you aren't, you haven't lost anything.

Good luck!

Why ask should? You are hurt. There's nothing wrong with how you are feeling. It's understandable. And it's because you've put such an effort into finding close friends in your kids' school community. I did much of the same volunteering when my kids were in elementary. I'd like to say I made a few friends at the time with some of the parents of my kids' friends. And that felt good at the time. But you know what? The friendships didn't stick once the our kids started moving in different directions, changing friends, going to different middle and high schools, etc. Looking back, I think many of the parents were interested in expanding their kids' social opportunities, not so much there own. But that company was meeting my social needs at the time. And at the time, I didn't realize it would be so temporary. Anyway, now that my kids are much older I look back and wish I had spent less time in that world and more off pursuing my own interests and hobbies, and meeting people outside the elementary school circle.

I moved to a new area 15 years ago. The friends I have are not my neighbors or the other volunteer parents but rather the groups I joined that Involve my personal interest...Art goes to school, a local mosaic society, an art league. A few of my best friends besides my high school friends are people I have met in the last 5 years. Having a common interest/passion made some of these woman quick friends and our friendship has grown from there. Best of luck!

(If you don’t have a hobby or passion find one...I promise you the friendships will develop naturally from there).

Another idea is to host Friday night happy hours inviting the parents of your kid’s friends. When my kids were young we used to take turns hosting weekly happy hours.

just reading this made me start to crinkle up. i think i'm a pretty friendly person, but my close friendships, the people with whom i'd go away for a weekend, are few and far between. and when someone whom i don't know that well wants to be included or is 'hurt' at not getting an invitation, it makes me feel super claustrophobic.

you are trying awfully hard. i get it, but damn, that desperation will seep through every time.

no, i don't actually think that mature adults need to abstain from discussing something if everyone present isn't included. that 'clique' mentality should be outgrown by everyone after grade school, including the 'rules' about what can and can't be discussed.

i think the absolute best way to handle something like this would be to respond with delighted interest. 'ooo, what fun! hey, next time you're setting something like this up i'd be super interested in going, as long as it's something open to others!'

it's honest, it shows your interest, and it's not begging. it means you've opened the door, and if this is truly a potential friend and a potential social circle, they'll eagerly usher you through.

and if they're not, then you know, right?

i rarely want in to established groups, but sometimes i do. a friend arranged a writers' meeting here at my home (she was moving and her house was a mess) several years ago. it was SO much fun. i loved the other writers and have become social media friends with all of them.

they've mentioned on FB a couple of times that they're all getting together to write. i responded that i'd love to hear more. i didn't.

i was honestly surprised. i thought we all hit it off, and that i'd sort of broken into their group. apparently that wasn't the case.

i have a pretty thick skin so it didn't bother me much. i puzzled briefly, then joined a different and very wonderful writers' group that has honed and sharpened my skills immensely. i don't have time for two groups, so i'm just as glad it worked out the way it did.

and the friends i thought i'd made are still friends, albeit very peripheral ones. they're having significant writing success, and i'm so proud of them.

i know it's hard, but maybe you should dial back a bit on being everything to everybody at your school and just focus on doing the things that really ring your chimes personally. that seems to be where the best and realest friendships develop anyway.

i have very few close friendships from my kids' social groups. they were terrific, supportive, amazing situational friendships that i needed and cherished at the time, but my heartfelt lifelong friendships developed outside of the convenient friendships of parenting.
khairete
S.

There aren't shoulds on emotions - there just ares. You are offended - doesn't matter whether you should be.

Maintain the acquaintance, but stop trying to make friends at that school. Look for art classes, fitness classes, photography clubs, whatever. You are more than your kids. There are lots of places we could afford to move and put our kids in a top notch, high end, expensive private school - we don't because I couldn't stand to be around the parents and I wouldn't want my kids in that exclusive environment.

If she had talked about something that 10 couples were doing, I would have told her that I would loved to have been asked. By NOT bringing it up when you had the opportunity, you are telling her that you aren't interested. Did you not think of it that way?

If you are doing all this work and no one is reciprocating, no one offering your child play dates, rides, etc, then you are trying too hard and looking too needy. Don't be a doormat.

I have lived in the same town all my life. And I don't have many real friends if any. I was with a couple moms when they were talking about their plans for a trip. But I was not invited and I was not offended because the moms lived across the street from eachother, they had babies at the same time on purpose. I felt totally left out. But didn't really think much else of it. Because they have a longer history together they are comfortable taking trips as a group. I didn't expect to be accepted into the tight cirlcle. And I was not. And still am not.
Someone mentioned something about befriending the others that are not in the group, but I will Caution that! I didnt feel accepted by the "in" crowd and ended up having to deal with the Narcissistic Sociopath... So Be careful who you befriend!

Dynamics can be hard.
If these couples know each other much better, and have gone on trips together before, maybe they are just comfortable with their core of people. Going on trips with other people can be really difficult. I had a friend with kids around my kids ages, the kids got along well, her and I got along, and our husbands got along. We decided to go on a trip together one year, and it did not go well.
How much do your children interact with these other people's kids? That can always be a wrench too.
I have friends that I love spending time with, but our kids do not mesh. So we do things separate. And our kids have friends who parents I could not imagine inviting over or on a trip, so we don't. It's nothing personal. Not everyone has to want to spend time with everyone they meet or have interaction with.
I wouldn't let it get to me. Just look for friendships that are easy and natural. Not that you have to work on so hard.

Do you live in my town? Sounds just like the moms here :( We moved here 10 years ago, and there was/is a group of football moms just like this. I was good enough for volunteering, cooking, rides, you name it. But when the football moms all got matching shirts? When they also organized a group picture of them during regular football pictures? The after parties? Neither my husband nor I were ever included. What made it worse was our son was a big part of them going to state 3 times due to his talent for scoring - but we (and by proxy) him, were excluded from much of extra stuff going on. Why? Who knows. I would hear things like "our boys ALL started preschool together." Maybe, but I think that is pretty damn lame. Then, when our youngest son needed round the clock care, we couldn't attend anything and really were "ignored."

Overall, in a way, it was a blessing in disguise. Why in the world would I ever choose friends that treat anyone like that? I wouldn't - however, it was still hard to watch. I did eventually make a wonderful friend this last year (she was "included" in this group, but mostly stayed away because of their snotty behaviors so I didn't really meet her until other circumstances). Of course, she now is moving 4 hrs away . . . we will still be friends, but it won't be the same.

Personally, I'd walk away. Why the pull to be friends with folks who act so exclusive? You are better than that - I know I am. Put in the same volunteer time as everyone else and be done. It sucks, but maybe school might not be the place to look for a friend.

One other place that I ended up making nice acquaintances is my own neighborhood. When our youngest got really bad, I started making food for all my neighbors for something to do and we are all fairly friendly with each other and I consider my one neighbor to be a good friend now.

Sigh...been there and am still there. It's ok to feel both offended and left out. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok. It sounds like you are trying way too hard. I would scale back on the volunteering because these things will suck the life out of you and keep asking for more. It is really easy to get taken advantage of with stuff like this. You should take a step back and decide on what level of volunteering is ok for you.

My kids are 10 and 12 and I have extensive experience in the volunteer arena. One of the groups that my son is in is like this with the Moms. They are a tight-knit bunch and often have social events with just the Moms. I have never been invited, but they can sure ask me to help out with things for the group. I'm perfectly fine with not always being included, but it does greatly offend me when they start talking about their movie nights or their annual girls' cruise around me knowing that I am not invited. In my mind, that really crosses the line and is pretty rude. The fact is that I am not going to change their behavior...they do not see anything wrong with how they act. I try to remember that I am there for my child and to see that he gets everything that he can out of this group.

I've had to take a step back and look at what is actually important in my life. I have to focus on my full-time job since that is how I provide for my family. I focus on my kids and my husband. I try to ignore the BS and focus on things that actually bring me joy. That being said, I do get where you are coming from... I would have never thought that I would have to deal with this High School BS as an adult.

Updated

Sigh...been there and am still there. It's ok to feel both offended and left out. Not everyone is going to like you and that's ok. It sounds like you are trying way too hard. I would scale back on the volunteering because these things will suck the life out of you and keep asking for more. It is really easy to get taken advantage of with stuff like this. You should take a step back and decide on what level of volunteering is ok for you.

My kids are 10 and 12 and I have extensive experience in the volunteer arena. One of the groups that my son is in is like this with the Moms. They are a tight-knit bunch and often have social events with just the Moms. I have never been invited, but they can sure ask me to help out with things for the group. I'm perfectly fine with not always being included, but it does greatly offend me when they start talking about their movie nights or their annual girls' cruise around me knowing that I am not invited. In my mind, that really crosses the line and is pretty rude. The fact is that I am not going to change their behavior...they do not see anything wrong with how they act. I try to remember that I am there for my child and to see that he gets everything that he can out of this group.

I've had to take a step back and look at what is actually important in my life. I have to focus on my full-time job since that is how I provide for my family. I focus on my kids and my husband. I try to ignore the BS and focus on things that actually bring me joy. That being said, I do get where you are coming from... I would have never thought that I would have to deal with this High School BS as an adult.

Maybe start a group of your own with the other parents who have been left out as well. Also, give yourself a break :) you don't want fair weather friends anyway. The right ones will come to you. If you stress yourself out and try to hard it will just push people away. Just be your natural kind and gregarious self and people will naturally gravitate to you :):)

My question would be was it all couples? Then that might be why.

If she's truly not your friend then why not ask her why you're never invited to these things. If she gives you any information then you can take it then try to see if it's valid. If it's not then don't worry about it.

Sometimes we can know that we don't fit in for a reason and it's not always a bad one, they could be jerks with anyone that isn't in that 10 couple group.