How to Discipline a 9 Year Old?

Your husband giving a child the silent treatment is pretty immature, so I'd talk him out of that.
We used to make our boys dig a hole in the back yard and then fill it back in. It works out their aggression and is good for them physically and gives them to time to think about what they did wrong.

Taking a knife to school is against the rules so your son knows that I'm sure and yet boys and things like that are a real temptation. I would set the rules firmly and tell him this is not going to happen again, that you are disappointed in him and expect more out of him. If you want to take the Nintendo DS then that's up to you but I think the punishment should fit the crime. It's the behavior you are concerned about and dealing with and lying is not to be tolerated. On the other hand not speaking to someone is saying you can't tolerated that person...not the crime. I think that sends a very bad message to a person. And as for saying "I'm not going to forgive...." , that is awful because you punish then forgive and life goes on. Otherwise the punishment is just mean if you are still not forgiven. The punishment is to teach a lesson not make the child feel hated. I hope you can get your husband to see this. We all need to be forgiven when we do something wrong and if you want your child to learn this he needs to also see it in action. I can tell you that this kind of treatment causes rebellion and doesn't prevent it at all. He's only 9 years old so has much to learn still and needs firmness and love both.

honestlly neither of you handeled it properly in my opinion, i think you were too easy n him too rough, granted his game should be taken away but not being talked to is too harsh i think as a kid needs parents to talk to them about things and not shut them out

I have a 9 year old boy.
Most of the 9 year old boys I know love guns, weapons, etc.
However, when my son was 6 and in 1st grade, knew enough not to let ME pack a pair of safety scissors in his lunch box (to help with opening things) because he knew they could be considered a weapon and would be against school policy!
He also has known, from K, if he ever sees/discovers/finds a gun, knife, etc. to NOT touch it, leave it alone and notify an adult immediately.
Seems like your son knew enough to NOT take the knife to school?

I would never "not talk to" my child as a form of "discipline".

What gets MY 9 year old's attention is lack of access to his favorite activities, be it basketball with his buds in the neighborhood, xBox, DS, etc.

IMO, a "punishment" should be well defined (ex. No DS for 5 days) not "my stepfather isn't talking to me too much right now...and for who knows how long..."

I think, as his mother, YOU should be taking the lead in setting up the house rules and consequences for breaking a rule. And your son should be aware of the house rules and consequences from the get go.

Vague referenced to "being in trouble" and "grounding" aren't good. He needs to know WHAT that looks like so he knows what to expect for breaking a rule.

I would be very upset if my husband took it upon himself to randomly impose "not talking to him very much" and threats like "I am not going to forgive you as easily as your mother did" on my child.

You two need to be on the same page or the good cop/bad cop approach is going to backfire pretty quickly!

I think it is the sneaking that is the problem. A friend bringing the knife to school is against the rules and your son sneaking it home against your wishes is wrong. But he is at the perfect age to have his first pocket knife...so I am not sure whey you said he is never to touch an item like that again. Our son is 8 and earned his first camping pocket knife through cub scouts this year. He is so proud of that thing. We have rules about when he can use it (around adults, with supervision), and we have taught him how to hold it and how to safely use it. He was excited to carve a stick for marshmallow roasting on camping trips...but already the excitement has worn off. We keep it in his dad's home office and our son has to ask for it. I think that taking away the DS is a perfect punishment for a 9 year old...and lots of talks about sneaking/lying and honesty are in order!

Sounds like two conflicting parenting styles (happens to the best of us :) I'm sort of in the middle of you guys. I would never let that off with a "you're not in trouble and I'm just happy no one was hurt" BECAUSE, at nine he did know he was sneaking something he wasn't allowed to, whether he fully understood the dangers or not. I don't know what has happened to him in the past if he's "been sneaking and lying here or there" for a while, but possibly, it's not effective enough if he did this. He's doing the absolutely NORMAL THING: gradually increasing the offenses to dangerous items, because he has no fear of sneaking and lying.
At the same time, I'm not on board with dad either, because grudges are never productive. You can't shame someone into right behavior going forward by being mad at them and ignoring them. HOWEVER, I think it's way better than doing nothing, and men are angry creatures, so it probably didn't hurt your son to see how disappointed his dad was, actually it may be effective (but you guys should get on same page and avoid that going forward). Dad should have delivered immediate and firm consequences (so should mom) but threats about grudges aren't discipline. And the removal of the DS? Hmm. If that's a really drastic thing that leaves your son shaking in his boots the next time he considers sneaking and lying, then OK, but often luxury removal is sort of no big deal to kids....that depends totally on your son's personality, whether it's firm enough or not.

All in all though, this is not the most earth shattering thing that ever happened and there is time to nip this stuff. Obviously, both you and your husband are deeply concerned, which is the most important thing. Having the talk setting the rules about the guns, weapons, lying, etc was good, now you need to make sure they know exactly what their very firm consequences will be if it happens again, and make sure you and your husband agree on it and that you will BOTH follow through. (Right now you're looking like the good cop, and that sets your kids up for feeling they can get away with stuff if you catch them-and even a bit like things aren't so bad if mom just "talks")

Usually I'm all about warnings. You say you never talked about lying by age nine? And yet he had been doing it a bit? In the event he didn't know lying was wrong (?) then yes, this time should have been a FIRM warning with strict layout of BIG consequences only, but with something as dangerous as hiding a knife, I probably would have done something drastic (removed a lot more stuff for even longer and given him some really hard chores to do for a whole week) first time out of the gate to insure it made an impact without having to wait for the next time he did something like this. But I think you guys did pretty well this time-you delivered the message, he delivered some consequences, next time (if there is one) you'll have it together more. No worries.

I'm a bit confused. I get that the two of you aren't taking the same approach to discipline, which can lead to problems. I don't get the "dangers" of having a small knife at age 9. It is a problem to have one in school, if your school's rules are the same as ours, yes. But, we gave our 9 year-old daughter her own small pocket knife at age 9. I had my own by that age, also. She is perfectly capable of using a knife, because we've taught her how. And if she does cut herself, she'll learn from that, too. I don't understand if you are forbidding a 9 year-old boy from using or having a small knife??

A child that age, does know that a knife, is dangerous.
They also know, that these things are not allowed in school.
There are clearly defined, laws/rules about students not being allowed at all, to bring things like this to school.
Every year, per my kids' school, the parents are sent home a several page flier... about "weapons" in schools. Even pretend, weapons.

Your child is 9, and KNOWS this.
Kids are talked to about this, in school.

My daughter is 9. She is in 4th grade.
She clearly... KNOWS the dangers of these things.
Your son should too.

The fact, that he is lying and kept this knife secret, shows that he knows this is a "taboo" item and a dangerous item.

You did not say what he is sneaking... to school.
Or what he is lying about.
Or who his friends are.
Or what crowd he hangs out with.

PERHAPS.... maybe your son "sneaks" things, because he knows his Step-Dad is... unapproachable? Or maybe he cannot be open with his Step-Dad? Is this a possibility?
Does your son tell YOU things?

You said "we found a small knife his friend had given him in his room." But YOU did not find it. Your Husband did. You were at work when you found out.
So how did your Husband find it? Did he search your son's room or backpack?
It seems.... that the knife was hidden... and then your Husband found it.

Your son is a Tween.
9-12 years old, is the preteen ages.
Google search this. "Tween boy development."

If your son, cannot "trust" you or his Step-Dad... then, that will automatically, shut-down any possible communication between all of you. And there will not be a symbiotic relationship between all of you.
And your son will lie and/or hide things from all of you.
Or, if he is getting into the wrong bunch of friends and activities, then it is up to you, to STEER him, the right way.
But not only through parental threats.

One way my late Dad, kept tabs on us and "disciplined" us when we were teens is... he KEPT a good relationship with us. AND had our friends over. AND did not keep us at arm's length. He kept us, close to him... as a parent. He was not our buddy... but a strong parent who lead.
AND who, knew us and with whom we could go to for anything... good or bad, and we could tell him ANYTHING. We never had to lie to him.
We trusted him, as kids. And he trusted us.

Not all kids... sneak things and/or lie.
No matter what age.

Giving your son the ice treatment... is really immature.
And telling your son he is not going to forgive him as easily as his mom... is really, immature as well.
That is only, teaching your son, RESENTMENT and distrust. And how to keep rebelling... against his Step-Dad.

Sorry, but a 9 year old completely understands what he is doing. He had a knife hidden in his room... he knew it shouldn't have been there. Your son isn't a toddler- he knows that lying is wrong and that weapons are dangerous.

Don't be naive... most elementary aged kids are aware of knives and other weapons. This is a conversation to have starting VERY young. Again, you're not talking about a 4 year old who found something "shiny". You're talking about a kid who knows what a knife is and what it is capable of doing who accepted it from a friend (what did he trade it for) and hid it in his room.

I'm with your husband on this one. There would be no DS for a week for lying and hiding something that he knew he shouldn't have had. As for the "silent treatment"- that's overkill. He's 9. Next time? Two weeks PLUS something else.

At this age, I assumed our daughter knew right from wrong.

I would have told her that having the knife (any weapon) at school was first of all against the law and a reason she could have been placed on suspension and placed in an alternative school.

I would also like you, made sure she really understood.
I would let her know if she did this again.. she would be in huge trouble.

And she really would..

This was a first time event.

Not speaking to a child, is silly. what is it teaching the child? Nothing except being passive aggressive and immature.

Do you ever want your child to quit speaking to you? No, So do not do that to your child.

Let your child know you know he can do better. And you expect him to behave responsibly. Once you lose trust with him.. let him know, it will not be a happy time for him.