How to Explain to 4 Year Old Papa Is No Longer with Us.

My dad was in the hospital for 3 weeks before he died. He was intubated the whole time so my daughter saw him (she was 3) but never got to talk to him while he was in there. And it was sudden too. He went in for pneumonia.

After he died I kept it simple, but told her the truth. We won't be seeing grandpa again because he died and was in heaven w/ god. There were some really painful moments for me when she would ask when grandpa was coming back from heaven. She would also say she wanted to go to heaven. And she cried here and there about missing grandpa. It was really really hard for me (still is, only been 2yrs and I miss my dad every day), but I just kept telling her same thing. Grandpa is in heaven w/ god.

My son was 3 when my Grandmother, whom he was close with, passed last August. I told him that Mommo Lois was sick and God took her to heaven to take away her sickness. Now Mommo Lois is an angel watching over and protecting him. I have pictures of her and momentos from her displayed and we remember her often. I tried to be as honest as possible. I take him to the cemetary and we talk to her at her grave. He'll say, "I love you Mommo Lois and I miss you!" It is so sweet! Just be as honest as possible and answer questions he has.

I would be honest, but age appropriate. Tell him that papa died and that means we won't get to see him anymore because he's in heaven. If he asks how he got there, say nobody knows because it's magic (or God, depending on how religious you are). Don't use fluffy words like 'passed away' because a 4 year old won't get it. Tell him it's ok to be sad that he won't get to see papa anymore, but that he'll never forget him because he'll always love him.

My daughter was 3 when her brother was born and then passed away when he was only 17 days old. We simply told her the truth that her brother was not healthy and he passed away. We also told her he is living in heaven with God where he is healthy and can do all the things he wants to do. Kids are very resilient but she did go through another grieving process when she was in 2 nd grade. Her doctor told me this is quite common and that kids sometimes grieve again as their understanding of death matures. Sorry to hear about your FIL condition and prognosis.

M. L.
I am sorry about your father in law. Mine die a couple years ago, even if my older daughter wasn't his blood related grandchild he was very sweet with my daughter and treat her like one.
My daughter meet him already sick, he has lost both legs by that time, and spend a lot of times in and out of hospitals, I am very happy that still they find time to make good memories (they would rise, and watch tv, make fun of mom and dad, lol)
When he die, we keep it simple, we told her he was better now and felt no more pain, he was now in heaven looking for us.
She has a picture of him on her room and we sometimes talk about him.
Best of wishes for you and all your family.

My son was three when my father had a stroke and went into the hospital. I had another son two weeks later. My Dad stayed in the hospital for 2 1/2 years, and died last August. My older son never saw his "Grandpa-Dad" in the hospital, only saw pictures so that he could remember the Grandpa-dad that was alive and well and a little moody old fart. When my Dad died, we just told my son (then 5) that he died and went to Heaven. We had a releasing of the ashes at a beach and my son understood everything. He even yelled "Bye Grandpa-dad" as the ashes were floating away. He talks about my Dad from time to time, but always with fond memories of a man he knows is gone forever. Just be honest, and if he seems not to be able to understand, THEN seek out help and books. You'll likely be amazed at how receptive kids are to information and learning about life and death. AND, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks.

My sister-in-law uses the phrase "they are done with their bodies". I like it a lot and I've used it. We just explain that when we get old our bodies can't keep up with our minds or our souls any more and the body has to go away. the person (or animal) we love is still around us, but their body no longer is.
I'm sorry about your father-in-law. Your family are in my thoughts.

I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my mom 3 months ago (she was only 49) to cancer and I am "lucky" my daughter was only 2 so I didn't have to explain much. Just know that kids are resiliant and bounce back quickly. We keep lots of pictures around and a scrapbook I made of my mom's life for our daughter to look at when she wants. I agree that honesty is best is your situation.

If you're looking for books, find Lifetimes, A Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. The author explains very simply that every living creature has a lifespan. They're born, and they die, and in between is living. Some lifespans are very long, some are very short, and some are cut short by accidents or disease. It focuses on the physical, and doesn't go into what happens to our souls, but gives an opening to talk about your beliefs of what happens after death.
You have my sympathy--it's hard to deal yourself with what is happening with your father-in-law, and even harder to help your child through it.

My father died many years ago, before I was even married. I keep a picture of me and him on a chest upstairs. One day my daughter (who was almost 4 at the time) started asking about him. I told her that "unfortunately, he didn't live as healthy as he should have and his body stopped working." I wanted to include the part about living/eating healthy so she would understand why his body stopped working instead of her thinking that your body can stop working suddenly without reason.

She was fine with that explanation for a few weeks until one night, she said something about him dying as we walked past the photo and I said, "yes, everything dies eventually." Five minutes later, she was hysterical. She had realized that "everything dies" included me too... And some day, mama would be dead. She was fine with the idea that other people/family might die, but she was very upset when she applied that concept towards me. It was as if she had been told I was going to die tomorrow...

The only thing that calmed her down was when I told her, "some people believe you become angels after you die." Well, the idea that we'd become fairies (as she called angels) and fly around in pretty dresses made it all ok. Admittedly, that is not necessarily what I believe in, but she was barely 4. I don't have to tell her my thoughts on death at age 4...

So, in regard to your situation, yes you'll need to explain it. However be prepared in case he realizes that death could/will someday happen to you. My daughter is age 5 now and is well adjusted to the idea of death; we've been consistent in telling her "death happens when your body stops working, either because it gets hurt or because it gets sick". But, we have not revisited the topic of mama/daddy dying nor the idea that we'll be angels. I'll probably wait until she's 10 before we talk about that again.

I am dealing with questions about death from my 3 and 1/2 yr old. My mom passed before my daughter was born and she always asks me why my mommy died and where she is. I just explain to her that her body stopped working the way it was suppose to and that she is in heaven. I didn't want to say she was sick because she remembers everything and I don't want her thinking everytime someone is sick that they will die.The other day she asked me if we could just drive to heaven so we could see her real quick and then come home, just about broke my heart! Explained that we couldn't do that, but I understand that answering their questions can be difficult. Good luck and I'm sorry for your situation.

HI
my FIL also went from walking with a cane to a motorized chair and then to being bedridden in a care facility. As a family, we did all that we could to help my FIL who was VERY dependent but toward the end needed help with most everything. When the transformation in health first began, my son was also very young and then when "Nonno" passed :( my son was almost five.

That said, we were very honest about Nonno's ailments but never made it into a big deal. We treated Nonna the same as we always did and tried to convey in a gentle manner that death is also part of life... we didn't harp on the matter, but we also didn't beat around the bush... I just felt like my son was too smart for me to attempt to come up with anything less than the truth..

Even when my FIL was bedridden at the care facility, we took my son to see him everyday and allowed my son to hop up on the bed with his Nonno and snuggle and or talk. IF my son asked questioned about why Nonno could no longer do this or that, we tried in simple terms to explain things. I guess I figured honesty with the best policy...

My son who is now 9 does understand that sometimes in life , people do get sick... but it doesn't have to mean you don't have your dignity .. Also, Nonno did pass away :( and while I don't think everyone would agree or think it's the right thing to do, my son did go to the wake .. again, that isn't for all kids, but my son wanted to go and wasn't freaked out ..

In my opinion, taking the honest and direct route is what has worked best for us.. I never try to scare or shock my child with the truth, but I am as honest as I can be.. In the long run (and again, this is just my opinion) don't want to start a riot on here.. :) I think if children are taught that death should be feared , then it makes it harder down the road for them to comprehend loss... that isn't to say you don't teach them about dangers in life.. but when it comes to death... and or sickness.. it IS part of life... my biggest lesson to my son when it comes to death and sickness is that it can also bring you closer to LIFE... in other words.. cherish your family and friends... and above all, embrace the here and now.... nothing is guaranteed..

my best to you

I have often thought about how we would explain to our son that his brother is in Heaven. This is what I have so far:

"Dying" means that we go to LIVE in Heaven. If they ask why they would go live there instead of staying here with us, I will explain how when we live here, we can get hurt and sick but in Heaven our bodies never do. Our family members who are in Heaven are waiting for us for when we go to live there and we'll all be together again someday.

It is my hope that by equating Heaven as a place of LIFE that he won't fear death.

Best of luck to you and your family. I'm sorry you're going though this.