How to Get Along with My 9 Year Old Daughter ?

Stop fighting with her. Be sweet to her. Make food she likes. Take her someplace fun. Reconnect. Listen when she talks and be interested in what she likes. It will take time for her to trust you again.

Try to think of some fun things you can do together so you can both relax and and enjoy some time together.

Here are some things that you could do together that could be fun:

1. go bowling
2. go out to lunch and see a movie
3. make some cookies from scratch together
4. pick out a new recipe (or old family favorite) to make together, go to the grocery store together to get the ingredients, prepare the meal together and eat - you could make this a weekly thing
5. do a puzzle together - you could get one of those huge puzzles and set it up on a table and have one or two days of the week when you sit down to work on the puzzle together - make it a rule that you only work on the puzzle together
6. Play board games

Instead of asking how her day was or what she did in school ask her what the worst part of her day was and then ask her what the best part of her day was. This will encourage her to open up more and actually talk to you.

Also, try to see the positive things in your daughter and compliment/praise her on those.

What do you argue about?
Some people are just argumentative. My sister is one of them.
She's argued all day every day since the day she was born and it won't stop till she passes away. She was diagnosed hyperthyroid a few years ago and the medication helps a bit, but I also think she has an undiagnosed borderline bipolar issue.
It's one thing to threaten. Do you actually carry out the threat?
Warn once or twice, then - boom - make it so.
Be consistent and everyone will know what to expect.
Sit down and have a talk with her.
She's 9 yrs old - half way to 18.
If she truly can't stand living with you and can't wait to move away - fine - she'd better start preparing now.
And that means getting a good education under her belt so she can get a job and support an apartment on her own once she is old enough.
Explain to her anything she does to jeopardize her education means she's getting in her own way by sabotaging her exit plan.
She can practice writing her resume. She can visit recruiters and see what the requirements are.
Tell her "You want to grow up? Go for it. Quit acting like a drama queen and take some responsibility for your future.".
Being soft with her is not going to help her. You are going to have to be tough, but you will be proud of what she eventually makes of herself.

I know how you feel and the best suggestion is time. My daughter will be 16 on Sunday, and I went through years fighting with her. Her junior high/middle school years (depending on what your school district calls it) were the worst. I would say the past 2 years has been getting better and better. She still has her moments and the one things is to be the same no matter what. These are the rules and you have to follow them or these are the consequences. It does get better, I will tell you this, but it is hard for a while. Try to keep an open line of communication, other than yelling at each other. Even when she doesn't want to talk, talk to her. Let her know you do love her, and keep telling her one day she'll understand what you are saying.

This was hard for me too because I always got along with my mother, I remember my sisters giving her a hard time, but I didn't. Since it's just the two of you, it's easy to get mad at you, plus when she does, down deep she knows you will always love her. She's probably having a little hard time with everything, as much as we sometimes forget that things should affect them because they are children it does. Each child, each person, is different, my youngest sister was super sensitive to things my dad would say. We have the same parents, I always thought she was spoiled by my dad, but she sometimes thought my dad was trying to hurt her feelings. I never got that from my dad, but it was just the way she heard and interpret his words.

it will get better... just keep trying to talk to her...

AAAAAHHH pre-puberty!! WHAT FUN!! (NOT!!)

1. STOP ARGUING!!! You aren't getting anywhere with it.
2. Pick your battles - if she wants a messy room - that's fine - make a rule that if she wants her laundry done - SHE HAS TO DO IT OR BRING IT TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM.
3. She's angry. She needs to be able to vent her anger over the lose of her father - while he's not dead - the fact remains that he's not THERE.
4. DO NOT MAKE HOLLOW threats. PERIOD. If you are saying you are going to do something - do it. Do NOT threaten to do it.
5. Find a counselor who deals with pre-puberty children and go...
6. Sit down with her and discuss the rules of the house. Let her be a part of the negotiations....what will you tolerate? what won't you tolerate? Lying, cheating, stealing, etc. are VERBOTEN. What does she feel is acceptable punishment for breaking the rules?
7. You need to compliment her when she does something good and right. If all she hears is your complaining - it will only get worse. When you see her doing something right - tell her GREAT JOB! or some other form of compliment - i can tell you the honey works a hell of a lot better than the vinegar.

The thing I've done with my kids - treat them the way I want to be treated. Does that mean I've not yelled?! Ohhh yeah. I have - sucks too. I don't like to be rude or mean to my kids - but there are times when it calls for it - just not EVERY DAY!!

Have a day set aside JUST FOR HER - no phones, computers, ipods, ANYTHING - just the two of you - playing a game, curling up on the couch watching a movie - where your attention is 100% on her....and she on you. Will it be easy at first? nope. it sounds like there is a lot of mis-trust and anger on both sides.

You need to tell her your expectations. Reward her when she meets them. Don't belittle her when she doesn't - but ask her what she might have done differently to get better results. LET HER THINK IT OUT. DO NOT BELITTLE her. Hey - I think you did an okay job here - what do you think you could've done differently to make it your best? Ask her questions that let her GIVE HER POINT OF VIEW. Not just "yes ma'am, no ma'am" or go away. this will take time too - as everything up to this point has been adversarial. You need to make the change as much as she does. It's a change in thought process and a change in attitude. TODAY WILL BE A BETTER DAY. Keep saying this mantra - it WILL HAPPEN>

She's only 9 and is just now learning Social skills. You say you "threaten" her.... idle threats lead to no where. Pick your battles wisely and punish, dont threaten.

KEEP IN MIND: Rewards are for good behavior, not for a smart mouth, backing talking child. If they are doing this at nine and the consequences are movies, salon treatments (which I think is nuts for a young child) or other special treats, just think what she will be like as a teen?

C.,

Don't threaten, follow through and bring your child back to Earth. She's nine, there should be NO arguing, let her know what behaviors are acceptable and the consequences. Two way communication is one thing, "back talk and disrespect" NO. Do not argue with her, do not threaten her, just stop her the moment back talk starts and yes do follow through with discipline.

Blessings...

Sounds to me like you two need to reconnect. How about getting your nails done together, go to an amusement park or paint pottery together. Can you start jogging or walking together?
Also, I try to let my daughters see me as a person not just a mother at their beck and call. Since they were in preschool, after asking them all about their day I always reminded them to ask me about my day. I then share with them what I am up to... Talk about my friends and hobbies etc. It is now second nature to them to ask me about me:0) Good luck! This is not an easy age.

Could this be hormones? My daughter started her periods at 10 and her personality really changed.
It could also be that she knows you love her and would walk through fire for her. She knows she can 'test' you and you won't walk away from her. Did her dad leave or walk out on the two of you she may be just reassuring herself that no matter what you won't leave.

I really recommend the book (or books on CD) How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

I know things are rough, but as a general note, anything you can say something sincerely positive to her is a good thing and you should do it (no matter if the rest of the day has been terrible). Acknowledge and reward any positive actions she does, even tiny baby steps. You don't have to gush, but she needs to her the positive as well as the negative (and it can be so, so hard sometimes, I know....)

Can you two sign up for a fun class together, like one of those pottery classes, or etc.? Something fun to do together to get out of the arguing habit, even for a short little while.

I would also suggest perhaps talking to the school counselor, and asking for tips/helps there. They have all kinds of tools in their toolboxes for dealing with difficult kids.

My son likes to argue - for everything I tell him to do he's got a reason why he doesn't want to do it - even if he realy does want to do it. I've learned not to engage in arguments - it's just frustrating for both of us. If I tell him it's time for baseball practice he'll say "I don't want to go, I want to do ______, why do I have to go, can't we just skip it today? I hate wearing my cup, blah blah blah..... I used to answer every one of his questions until I realized it got us no where. Now when he starts I'll just say something like "we have to leave in 20minutes - here's your stuff, get dressed". Then I give him a 10 minute warning - "Turn off the TV now and get your stuff on". Sometimes I'll have to turn off the TV and take the remote control. Most of the time he'll just get ready, other times he'll grumble about it, other times I have to be more forceful - take away a thing that he likes. No warning just remove that thing (ipod, cell phone, Xbox, etc.) for a day.

I had to realize that I'm the parent - and he has to listen to me. I DO know best, I understand that going to practice, reading, doing homework, etc is not fun - but the results are the thing that you want. deferred gratification - they won't understand this concept for a number of years. When I began this approach my son did initially give me a harder time "you're not even listening to what I'm saying" - or "don't you care about what I think?" I answered, "honey, I've heard your position before, lots of times. You should know by now that we're going to do this whether you argue with me or not - so let's not argue. I like ti much better when we get along". And I'd kiss him on the head, or toussle his hair.

If the arguing works to her benefit - even sometimes - it's enough reinforcement for her to continue it. It's not conscious - she's not trying to aggravate you - it's just who she is. Some times our kids' personalities are easy to get along with and we like them as much as we love them. Other times our kids' personality can just be prickly and difficult, maybe opposite our own - and it's harder to like that child - even though we love them no matter what.

Good luck mama - this parenting stuff just keeps getting tougher as they get older - it's like an obstacle course, once you master one lever, the difficulty increases... One dy we'll get to be grandparent's like my sisters are now - THAT's the reward!

C.,

Your daughter is going through the Nine Year Change.

It's a developmental stage that most people do not know about (unless one is familiar with Rudolf Steiner). They just say, 'Oh, it's hormones!' and dismiss it as the first stage of the teen years ahead. But you will find that when she passes this stage, she will once again be on an even keel, and you will have smooth sailing for the next couple years (until she turns 12!).

During the Nine Year Change, children usually become critical and argumentative, or very moody and withdrawn. They often have nightmares, irrational fears, headaches and stomachaches. Sometimes they feel as if no one at likes them or become suddenly self-conscious about being "different". They accuse parents of being unfair or of not understanding them (as they run off to their room and slam the door!).

There is an excellent article on Parenting the Nine Year Old by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. If you Goodsearch "Nine Year Change" you will find the article, which gives you insight into what is going on with your daughter, and some great parenting tips on how to deal with it. I urge you to read it.

Blessings to you and your little girl.
J.