Spin-off of My Question for Today

Been there...
Be firm. Choice A or B. C is not an option. Don't move on until she has chosen A or B.
Be consistent. If you say no, mean it. Do not EVER waffle...
My line was, "Do what I ask you to do when I ask you to do it or there will be consequences."
Sit with her and have her come up with rules and consequences. You'll be amazed!
You got this! :)

Its socio-economic. Poorer children do not ask 'why'? They know their places. "Children are to be seen and not heard". As we move up to financial ladder, we explain EVERYTHING. I am somewhere in between. I will explain until I become frustrated and then I resort to the rearing of yesteryear.

First thing you need to realize is that your daughter is an individual. She is not like anyone else. She is who she is. Embrace this. You are not doing anything wrong. It takes time to figure out what works for each child.

She sounds very intelligent, very sure of herself and very willing to please. But she also sounds like she needs to feel like she is being heard. And that she is being included.

Yes, she listens and follows the directions of teachers and coaches, she does not live with them.. They do not have to love her. She feels relaxed with you, you are her mother and she knows you will love her no matter what. She can let her guard down with you. But you know what makes her tick.

Compliments, encouragement, including her in activities will give her the feeling of some control. .
Using her suggestions, this is your advantage with her. Complimenting her good behaviors, will bring on more good behaviors. Thanking her, asking her to help with “pleases”.. this will teach her to do the same with you. Thanking her for her patience. Noticing how well she handled a situation.. This will click with her,

She rebels when she does not feel like she is being heard or understood.

She is six? Her mind is not like an adult. She needs to be taught how to have patience. She needs to be taught to “use her words without whining”. She needs some empathy. This is not something any of us are born with, it is something we learn through observation of others around us and by practicing with guidance. I know adults that still have never learned this,

You want her to do what you tell her to do? She wants the same from you. She is mimicking what she lives with. And so you and your family need to use the words you expect her to use.

Remember there is no win or lose in a family. Instead it is, how can we work together? What are our responsibilities? What are the expectations?

Say her name before a direction or request. “Susan, please place that book on the shelf.” She places it on the table? “Susan, where did I ask you to place the book? Thank you for placing it on the shelf. “

Next time the direction may need to be. “Susan, place the book on the shelf. Tell me what I just said.” She repeats it and then places it on the shelf “Thank you for putting the book on the shelf.” You will only have to use this type of instruction a few times.

Then you can go back to “Susan, please place the milk on the top shelf in the fridge, Thank you for your help.” “I like when you are my helper.”

Today the frustrating part for you was that you were excited about this trip to the Zoo. You envisioned hopping into the car and all is well. You were dressed and ready to go..

But your daughter did not know your expectations. When told of this trip, she had her vision of wearing a different outfit (for whatever reason) and her flip flops.

So when she said “I want to change my clothes”, your fast answer was no. Just wear what you are wearing.

She began to get upset.. and you took this as some disobedience. But how about.. you using YOUR words.. “I like what you are wearing, why do you want to change your clothes? “ Her answer.. I wanted to wear my jean shorts and my red top.”. “Ok, but you look so cute, and I was hoping we could leave right now. I am excited about a day at the zoo!.”

Then she might be willing to go as is, or you could say, “fine, but do not put these clothes in the dirty clothes, so you can wear them again tomorrow. And hurry up, It is going to get hot soon.”

“I want to wear my flip flops!” “Flip flops are not a good idea when we will have to walk all day. How about you change into your tennis shoes but bring the flip flops for when we are finished with the zoo and on our way home? “

Or..” How about you bring your backpack with your tennis shoes and a bottle of water. That way if the flip flops start hurting or break, you can change into the tennis shoes.”

Then a heads up about expected behaviors. “Remember no whining or crying while at the zoo, or we will leave. Tell me what I just said. “ (And then really do it)

“Remember, we are bringing our own water bottles and gold fish, . We are not buying treats or things at the shops. We can look with our eyes but we are not buying anything,” Or “This is a Zoo day, not a shopping day.” Or you can remind her, “I am not shopping or spending money at the zoo. If you want to buy treats, bring your own money.” And lets both remember.. No Whining allowed!” Then have her repeat to you the expectations.
Hee, hee.

The asking about phone calls, is a manners lesson. “It is really not polite to ask about my phone calls. If it is something I need you to know I will let you know.” Instruct her about this in a kind voice, so that she is not embarrassed.

Also, we take our phone calls in another room as a family in case it is personal. Or if they are watching TV or visiting with friends or each other.. To this day, we try not to take phone calls in front of each other, My husband still cannot always seem to remember this.

Everything Laurie A said.

Mine is 7. When he was 3 and 4 I pretty much always remembered to give him notice we were going somewhere (we are leaving for the zoo in 10 minutes, what do we need to do so you will be ready?). Now I often forget that 7 is older than 4 but still nowhere near grown up. And when I skip those steps - sometimes things fall apart and we end up with exactly your situation with the zoo.

If there is a reason I am going to the library and then the store - I ask my son if he can figure out why we need to go in that order. 'What are we going to buy at the store? Won't that ice cream be pretty bad if we leave it in the car while we are at the library?' If there is no reason (we are just picking up dry goods) - then I am fine going in whichever order he would prefer.

I try to remember (it is hard some days) that the goal is NOT to have an obedient unquestioning child. The goal is to raise a thinking, questioning, reasoning, empathetic adult. Instilling obedience for its own sake is counter productive.

This is where I really benefitted from watching my friends explain themselves, negotiate with their kids and pick their battles a lot before I had my kids. It sounded really nice and great and much more "enlightened" on paper than how we were all raised back in the day. However 9 times out of 10, the results you list were EXACTLY what happened. The kids took their "control" to crazy lengths and had no respect for parents as the authority figure. They were constantly argumentative and driving their parents through hoops. I'm not saying your daughter NEVER respects that you're in charge, but my kids would never be allowed to do the things you list in your post. It was very difficult to be around those kids and watch them treat my friends -who did nothing but love them unconditionally-that way.

Suddenly the way I was raised, and the way some of my stricter family members still raise their kids, with "brutish" philosophies like "Because I said so", "Do not contradict me", "Do not talk back to me" and "Do it right now or else" was looking looking a lot more enticing as these POLITE, happy kids who didn't thrive on constantly bucking parents were afforded more and more privileges at younger ages because that "battle spirit" was never fostered. They could skip the constant testing and just move forward respectfully with life.

So that's what I did too. And my kids do not act this way. They have no choice. There would be firm consequences after one warning for any of the things you mention above, and therefore those habits never formed. Now if one of them questions me, hesitates, talks back whatever, one of their sibs will say, "What did mom SAY?" and the culprit will say, "Yes ma'am" and move forward properly.

At 6 you've got your work cut out since she's used to getting away with this very normal behavior, but it won't be impossible to get her respect and good behavior-the same behavior she's CURRENTLY capable of showing everyone else (she really CAN behave with you as well, she just doesn't have to). You should be the FIRST person she wants to please, not the last.

Again, I'm a bit old school and tyrannical by some standards, but as a result, I can grant my kids all kinds of earned freedom, treats and privileges because they're nice kids. If they start to push boundaries and try some snippy stuff, I tighten the reins again and they improve.

Also, don't be drawn into that popular philosophy that bad behavior now is a symbol of future success as her stubbornness serves her well. Not necessarily. Well disciplined kids are every bit as capable of being strong people. Most any great leader you can name born before 1980 was raised MUCH more strictly than most kids today are.

Have some of my friend's kids gotten better with age? Yes (not all, some are very disrespectful teens). But even the ones who started improving around ages 9, 10-ish are not any "better" or stronger than the kids who weren't allowed to act that way when they were ages 3-7. To the contrary. The kids with very firm foundations are more mature and good at setting their own boundaries as they get older.

The book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is good for this age to quickly get no-fuss results.

I think Laurie A.'s response was wonderful! However, I also wanted to make sure you know that your are NOT alone! I personally have had a very difficult week. I have three children and my two daughters (7 & 6) are BOTH just like your daughter. As I read Laurie's response, I thought, "She has some great advice." but at the same time, I thought... I do all of that but there are times when I hit my limit because although I do everything she wrote, it becomes exhausting.... everyday... all day... two little girls and a toddler - all of them question every decision I make, challenge everything I ask them to do and I feel like it's coming from me at all directions that there are times I can't even think straight. At times I think it's not even worth it to plan fun outings or special activities because by the time we finally get out the door everyone is in tears, including me. As you said, it's the little things. I do my best to stay calm and positive in the moment and remind myself that it's the transitions that are hard for us. Once we're there, it'll be great and most of the time, it is. So much so that I think we should get out and about more often.

It's not easy but my mantra of "This too shall pass" helps me a lot. Hang in there and best of luck!

First, I am in a similar place right now with my son. I completely understand and agree... sometimes,you know, enough is enough.

When we have backtalk (arguing, or "well I don't care if you do because...." kind of statements, or correcting adults on non-safety matters in a rude way), I work very hard to stay calm and address it in the moment. Sometimes, it's "why do you think?"-- I hand it back to him. "Why do I have to...?" my reply is often "well, why do you think it's important to do X?"

For rude behavior, it's "that was a rude way to speak to me/Daddy and you need to apologize. Figure out how you can ask that/say that in a polite voice." If it's arguing about every little thing, I'm pretty matter of fact "this is a doing time, not an arguing time. If you continue to argue (consequence: "we won't be going to the zoo, because I'm not taking an uncooperative kid with me" for example)". I'm very up front about the consequence *before* I make that decision. Sometimes, too, I'll just be straight with him: "I've had enough of your arguing/answering back. I'm done. Go to your room until I'm ready for company again, please." This gives me an opportunity to regroup and cool down, make a plan for how I want the next bit of time to go.

If there's an unmet need (tired, hungry, needing attention) I do try to address that also. Often, taking 15 minutes to have a snack improves moods. Deciding, to oneself, not to mention going to the park because he needs some down time, is another strategy that's saved me more than once. The world does not revolve around him, but sometimes I'd rather have scrambled eggs, veggies and rice for dinner than have to take him grocery shopping when everything's already been an issue.

I do also try to offer choices without setting myself up. For example, griping about eating his veggies. I now ask (if it works out) "What veg don't you want on your plate tonight?" Instead of letting him choose which one he might want, which I might not have, he can choose what he doesn't want.

I think you got some flak on your last question, and I am in agreement with Sherry's answers to some of today's questions: not everything needs to be a negotiation or discussion. I also liked Diane B's suggestion of doing some prior planning for things. However, one thing to consider is that some kids won't participate in that planning, and then, yes, we have to give them the consequence of "well, you had a chance to do X and you didn't ... that's a bummer."

As for the nosiness, I tell my son what I used to tell my preschoolers when they were asking 'why' a child was taking a break in the cozy corner or needing a quiet moment with me. "That's between me and Suzy, and I'm not going to discuss it with you. Just like if you weren't feeling happy and needed some help, I wouldn't talk about it with her. That's just *our* business. Now go play." Not a lot of explanations. I hope something here helps.

Your daughter is exercising her brain, and you get to exercise your patience.

Every personality has it's positive side and negative side. Inquisitive children can delight you with their curiosity and wear you out with their questions. Compliant children may seem easier at times, til they decide to lie rather than tell you the truth and risk confrontation. The quiet ones are the toughest... just wait til they are teens and you try to have a conversation with them.

When your daughter questions or even challenges you, do you really consider what she is asking? If so, change your mind and tell her yes sometimes. Show her you are really listening and thinking about what she's saying, and not just giving her the quick and easy no. Then when you don't have time, are too tired for a discussion or simply disagree with her, you can honestly say, "not this time" or "I wish we could but we don't have time" or "later please, I'm too tired to talk".

My youngest was a talker and I can remember telling him sometimes, "Sorry but right now mommy needs a time of silence". Although I'll admit to occasionally asking him in wonder, "Don't you ever stop talking???!"

A really helpful book for me has been, "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish. It changed how I related to my kids, and gave me tools to be more effective when communicating with them.

Sorry I can't help but you are not alone. My daughter is 4 and your description matched her perfectly.

I have one of those at home. The book _gentle discipline- has helped me some. The idea is to not engage with the negative, just do empathetic listening, stay clear and consistent, and have reasonable consequences when necessary.

I take lots of deep breaths, but I do have my days when I just cant take it. Her complaint over going out to breakfast was unbelievable.....but, I know that empathetic listening, some quality cuddles every day, and patience makes her more agreeable. But if she is tired, forget if.

I'm right there with you. It's very tiring. I don't give in and let him get his way when he's being a pain about something, yet it's just my son's personality to argue or persuade or be stubborn or difficult. I know it is nothing I am doing because 5 years after having him we had his little sister and she's not like this at all! We say, time to go to the park, get your shoes on and she says, Hooray! And runs to get her shoes on. She's just so easy going. She does not usually argue much at all. She is happy. She is pleased we are just taking her somewhere fun. She doesn't really care what she is wearing. She eats what I serve her. She listens and does what we ask. I did not raise them ANY different. It's a personality thing. So don't let anyone make you feel bad that you made your daughter this way by giving in to her. They just didn't birth a kid like this! So they have no idea! By the way - my son is 9 this year and I can really see that he is maturing a lot. I have hope that things are getting easier with him (but who knows).

Oy. I remember. I had a super smart first child. Very respectful of authority. Very good kid but he had a million ideas. Wanted to understand everything.
At the end of the day, my brain wanted out! I had to be always "on", at the top of my game, one step ahead.

The thing is, I had to scale back explanations, keep order, and routine. It was either him or me, and I was determined to come out on top! I would not have been an effective parent if I let him have iterations of every decision.
His creativity or even independence, did not depend on my giving him 30 choices or even one, sometimes. There were times and places in our day for those choices but not all day long. "Because I said so" is a valid parenting choice.

Apparently, there are some of us who's children are teaching us everyday, our own limits and their own need for boundaries.
Do the best you can. It gets better.

(With a half chuckle and taken with a grain of salt...)
Since she is wearing you out, why not wear her out in return? When she asks "Why?" about something you've just told her to do, start the litany. "Well, there are lots of reasons: One, is because I am the parent and I said that is what needs to be done. Another is that I think that is the best way, because ____ and because ____ and if you did it "x" way instead, then _____ or _____ and then if either of those happens, then _____ and _____ or _____. Of course, ______..."

I'm certainly not suggesting that you always do this. But for a day, it might be fun. She certainly will get tired of asking you why you made the decision you did, because your answer will be so long that she will be tired of listening and lose interest in arguing about it. And as bright as she is, she may also start to recognize that there are things she isn't mature enough to even be AWARE of that play into your decisions.

A very simple example: At the grocery store, you pick up an apple. You put it back and choose a different one. Daughter asks why you didn't keep the first one. Then you can go into a lengthy explanation of how you like your apples crisp and that one felt like it may be a little mushy, and the next one had a bug spot and the next had bruising, and the other color apples are a different taste than what you like. THIS kind is perfectly fine to be mushy, to cook with, but we aren't going to cook it down into a mushy pie or applesauce, I was going to cut it up raw. So crisp it should be. And I don't want it bruised, because that turns mushy, and it discolored and unattractive, but the store charges the same for the mushy discolored ones as for the "good" ones. Blah, blah blah, blah blah ....

Same thing for the cereal aisle: This kind has x grams of fiber, this one has y grams. This one has x amount of sugar, this one has y amount. This one is cheaper, but the box is smaller, and the cost per ounce is higher. This one has high fructose corn syrup and artificial flavors and colors, and this one blah blah blah, blah blah...

Just for a goof, try it for a day, and see what happens. I'm curious!

I'm so sorry to tell you God has a strange way of making our skins think for the future.
Like Teletubbies, it just became background noise and not-so-annoying. Same with our children. I have a 15 year old boy who still feels he always needs to outshine anyone about anything.
As of late he's been telling my husband how to drive, and telling me I don't contribute to the family because I don't work. DD is 2 1/2 and he doesn't have a clue what REAL life is like.
And it's hard to act like an adult sometimes, but usually when he's become difiant or difficult it's because silently he is screaming for boundaries, love and reassurance...

Try telling her when problematic to go to her room until she is ready to get along,or respect, or treat you differently, even work together to solve the problem. Giving kids a mini-time-out to reflect works wonders. They usually return to the situation with a much different attitude.

Good luck

Mom, keep on doing what you have been doing. She HAS to learn to accept your authority. What you did with the zoo was good. She WILL think twice when you remind her next time she starts this that bad behavior takes away the fun.

You should not tell her what your phone conversations are. Instead, change the conversation to saying something positive about your friend. You can switch the conversation to be about HER friends, like "What do you like about your friends?"

Try to not let this all get you down. Stand strong on what you expect from her and let her arguing role off your back. Part of why she does it is to get a rise out of you. Don't let it.

Someone once told me that if she listens to other authority figures, than you are doing a great job!

Sure that doesn't help at home, but it means that your firmness is effective.

While my DD is only 3, I can empathize as she is kind of similar.

Amen to Laurie, Nancy, and Dana. I was that kid and am that adult, but I didn't get to ask all the questions because I had "because I said so" parents. There is a place for that, but it's not necessary to shut your kids down with that every time they are seeking to understand. My son is two, so he's not asking ALL the questions yet, but he does ask, and I tell him. Sometimes I tell him before he has a chance to ask; I call it conversation. I recognize that, like me, he responds much better when eh can get a heads up. When he's nursing, even in his sleep, I whisper to him that I need to go to the bathroom or that it's time for me to go to work. He responds very positively, and it doesn't take any extra effort on my part. Just the other night, when my grandmother was over, it was late and he was tired and clinging to me. Sometimes he just wants to sit on my lap and watch TV or read or whatever. When I move, he sometimes asks me to hold him "like this" while I perform my task. The other night, I put him down and told him that I did not want him to follow me to the kitchen because I would not be able to tend to him (hold him, talk to him--not sure what words I used) but would return to him when I finished. He said okay and sat in his chair. He stayed there--and on the floor in front of his chair--until my return. My grandmother marveled at what a "good" boy he was.

Being his mother doesn't just mean that I am the boss of him. It means that I have the responsibility and privilege of teaching him. It's tiring, but I have a goal. When it feels a bit much, I remind myself that there is a lesson in this and reason for it all. When he was brand new, I would talk to him. I would explain to him what I was doing and why. That gave him an idea of what's expected in communication--what I expect and what he should expect. With that at his foundation, why should it ever just stop? I can't discontinue it because it's become inconvenient for me. In the event that I do becoem exhausted with all his pressing, I hope that I have the presence of mind to keep my eye on the prize.

I have to always remember that his mind is ever learning and stretching, and I'm proud to state that I put that in motion. I want him to always see himself as a human being worthy of an explanation/understanding and inclusion. Even now, I tell him that I'll explain things to him later, and then I do. The explanation won't always come in the moment. As he gets older, I'll teach him what I think are appropriate and effective ways to achieve his goals, but I can't imagine that I'll just shut him up. This is a learning experience for all involved. Though I get tired and sometimes weary, I welcome the challenge.

I have one like this as well. He is 7y/o & is exhausting! He is also wicked smart & fabulously funny...very quick witted but boy I tell you, everything is difficult with him & most times it's not that big of a deal, it's just always harder than it needs to be!

It's just the way he is & I know it & have had to adjust my parenting just for him. My only saving grace is I stay calm & only stick with my 2 choices I have given him or I just stick with the plan & repeat myself (calmly) this is what we are doing son, so come on!

So on & so forth!

Now that he is getting older, I have started to gently start pointing out when he is being difficult, like if I say don't touch the plate, it's hot...& then he touches it anyway...I tell him: Why did you just do that? You need to listen son! Slowly & surely, with little things like that...hopefully he will start to understand that he doesn't have to challenge every.single.thing!

On top of his personality, he is also my child who has gotten injured the most! He is only 7 & he has:
Had stitches 4x....once right by his eye!
Been ON FIRE! Stuck his hand in fireplace!
Gave himself a tonsillectomy! W/a PVC pipe!
Been in a fight every year in school! He's only in 1st grade!
Pulled out his own teeth in record time!
Had 6 black eyes, just from falling or messing around!
Got a rock stuck up his nose!
Had pneumonia 2x!
Plus so much more, those are just the highlights!

So, I'm with ya woman! As difficult is he is, I wouldn't trade him for the world!!