What to Do??? - Stockton,CA

Your husband needs to realize that at this age, they really need to be allowed to start making some decisions (and mistakes) for themselves. Personally, I agree with your son about the long pants thing. A jacket/sweatshirt should be adequate on a cool night to serve until you get home.

Yes, you should back your husband up....on the important issues (like how old he has to be to date, can he get a mohawk, can he pierce his nose, can he use his college fund to buy a car instead etc..) but not about little things like this. Your son needs to grow up knowing that spouses can disagree with each other and handle it constructively without it always having to be a fight. Model for your son how to civilly disagree and debate and do it with the small stuff. If anything this will reinforce for him that there is NO negotiation when you present a unified front on the larger issues.

You are getting a lot of good advice. Yes, you and your husband will do best on the same page. See if you can convince him to let go of some of these things. Truth is your son will learn better by experience and he may feel less rebellious if given a choice.

For example: "Did you want to change to long pants in case it gets cold later or will a jacket be enough for you?" Then let him live with the consequences if his legs are too cold. If you must control something it would be more like this, "Did you want to change to long pants in case it gets cold later or do you want to bring a pair to leave in the car just in case?" If he gets cold later he will still have a choice. Help your husband to see how this will help your son feel more in control and learn how to take care of himself.

Talk to your husband about compromising. Your son is growing up and has opinions. If its hot out and his dad says put long pants and a sweatshirt on, then of course your son will protest. Teach him how to protest politely, logically, and with respect. Teach your husband to listen to his son. This should be a conversation, not an argument or power struggle, your hubby's word is not the end all be all. Its ok to disagree, just do it respectfully of each other.

Talk to your husband about picking battles, making choices, etc. Your son is old enough to learn cause and effect. In minor things where the result doesn't have an impact, turn it into a learning experience. Try to figure out where the "must do" stuff is, and the flexible areas are. That way you won't all drive each other crazy and your son can start to learn to make choices and that his choice have consequences. Good luck!

Consider how you would feel if you had a boss who required "crazy" things of you. He's in charge, he gets to make all the rules, he can give you consequences if you disobey. Some of his demands make no sense, and he's not open to listening to your feedback. In fact he feels his authority is threatened if you protest.

Would you respect your boss? Would you "rebel" and try to convince him not to make nutty decisions? Would you obey and lose a little bit of your soul? It would probably depend on your personality, but whatever your other choices, you would probably not feel respect, only fear or resentment.

There is a huge difference between having a respectful child and a blindly obedient child. A seven-year-old understands quite a bit about his physical needs; what is comfortable, when he's hungry or tired, what's likely to happen if he doesn't plan ahead. This is the time to begin to allow him some decisionmaking of his own – it's a skill he will need to depend on more and more as he grows up and finds himself in situations where his parents aren't there directing everything.

Kids are not little programmable robots, they are thinking and feeling people, just with less experience, strength, and independence than a grownup. But they are just as deserving, and desiring, of respect as any other human being.

There's a very fine book I would recommend to your husband and you: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Find out how to build the mutual trust and respect you will need as your son approaches his teens. If you lose that connection now because of ideas about authority and respect, what will you do when your son has some genuine problems to solve in his teens?

Mom,
The key to this assertion of independence is its all in the way it is said to your son. You need to use this strategy, with your child. It can be done in a nice way, but don't always make decisions their choice. In the future when you know he will need a jacket, its best not to ask them to put on a jacket, you need to offer them limited choices. Would you like to wear your red sweatshirt or the blue jacket since you 'll need a jacket at school today. THis can be done with most everything, would you like corn or green beans as your veggie for dinner? I am a teacher of preschoolers and have learned this is the way to phrase things and it needs to be started at a young age. They get a choice, but ultimately you guide them to what they need to choose, (ie- a jacket). You have to realize and show them in a kind way, who is the parent and who is the child, even in simple things. If he gets to call the shots now at 7 when the preteen and teen years arrive soon, the child will be calling the shots and telling you and your husband what they will do- Yikes. Remember your goal as a parent is not to be your child's best friend, it is to teach and guide them to become a responsible, productive, good citizen as an adult. Many parents I see today want to be their child's best friend and this concept never works. THere are times when your child will be a friend which is nice, but remember your goal in the end. Keep in mind you can do this and the result will be a great young person.

I agree with the other responses that say you need to talk with your husband about what the important things are, and what the small things are that your son can decide on his own. You don't need to always openly disagree in front of your son, but you need to talk between the two of you. Having raised two kids to their 20s, the important things are school, homework, drinking and drugs, curfews and dating. The unimportant are clothes and hair and everything else. (Our son at 15 insisted on wearing shorts every day that winter (in MN) and he never froze to death :-)

"Crazy" or "silly" demands don't make sense to a 7 year-old and are going to be rejected. Demanding blind obedience to his father is not going to create respect in him for either of you, only resentment. These instances will only escalate and get worse as your son gets older if his father can't learn to back off.

First off, i think your husband needs to learn to pick his battles. He can suggest long pants, but if your son wants to wear the shorts, let him. If he does get cold, he will learn next time dad suggests pants, that he should give it some consideration. Kids need to learn the hard way sometimes and if it's not dangerous, we need to step back and let them learn their own lessons. But I do believe that children should not talk back and should do what they're told. That being said, your child is going to voice his opinion and like I said before, if it's not dangerous, let him find out on his own. All that bickering does get old.

Hello Austinzmama, I am responding as the mother of 5 children and of the wife a husband /father that adores his children. We are also more the tough love type of parents not just letting a child run the home.
I can't believe that an adult man wants to have such a power play over a child. It puts an entirely different face on the relationship he wants to have as a father and son. What is your husbands example from His father? this might help you understand things abit better.
If your husband wants something like a jacket then the child can keep it in the car if not wearingit and always bring long pants to change into or can keep a blanket for the child to wrap up in if it is cold. Maybe your husband would do well with a parenting class to help him learn to be clear with the motives he has for pshing the child's buttons-- just wait til he is 15 and rebelling and you think this is hard now that will be awful. Good Luck and make sure that you keep an open communication with your son and be reasonable but not a door mat for either one of them.

Sounds like your husband might be nit picking a bit. I would have a talk with your husband and let him know that it's really important to pick your battles. If it's hot out side, bring a change of clothes, don't ask your son to wear clothes that don't match the weather "just in case". let your husband know that you guys need to have a united front, but that there are times when you feel like he is asking your son to do things that aren't necessary. Try to stick to the really important things with your son, and don't worry about the little things.

Ditto Dyreka...Do not agree AT ALL with Mikelle. Why do you feel the power struggle? If it may become cold, bring the jacket in the car and your son can decide when he want's it. Dad and decide to bring it along with long pants. Seems like you are walking on eggshells with the two of them. If they just don't connect, then they just don't connect. Pushing them into a relationship that is not "real", leads to the entire family being miserable.

So sorry that you are in this intense situation. Been there and still trying to figure out how not to mess up my boys...the husband is a man not a child and should not resort to acting like a selfish, bully.

Good luck!

I agree with the ladies, you should talk to your husband about the requests he is making upon your son. You need to pick your battles. To continously make demands upon him that he doesn't necessarily agree with will only make him rebellious. The thing is here we are trying to raise fine young adults. He needs to be able to have input on certain situations. So, you let him give his opnion, for example, why as though he would like to wear only a sweatshirt and not jeans and you hear him out and then you deteremine whether or not you should compromise. I get it that if the evening was going to turn real chilly and you as an adult were aware of that, that you would want him to wear jeans. But then after listening to his point you advise him what the evening is going to birng. Or you compromise and have him bring jeans. I think if your husband were to give him options he might not challenge him as much.

Good luck!

Wow, Peg's advice was right on. My husband would probably agree with Mikelle, though. Some parents do get upset when their kids don't do what they say, when they say it. They take it personally as if the child is purposefully trying to provoke the parent and be disagreeable. My husband is that way and it took a while for him to lighten-up. I have to say that I disagree with the parent backing each up concept. If my husband is irrational then I tell him so right then. It's a learning process for everyone, right? That said, if he says something specific, "Caitlin, no tv" I would not reverse that decision. But if he's obsessing and harassing my daughter not having the right attitude, I will tell him to give her some space and back off. I think parents sometimes need a reality check - they can forget that they are dealing with a CHILD.

I have to agree with Peg. That book is great. Also, have a chat with your hubby about communicating with your son. I did this with my hubby and he was very receptive. He wanted a good relationship with his kids and was happy for the insight I could provide since I spent all day with them while he was at work.
I would keep an eye on your son's respect level. Is he challenging your hubby on all things just to be challenging? My younger daughter fell into this habit with me and it took a while for me to recognize it. Everything was a negotiation! 'But, what about...' But, I just...' Once I realized what was happening, I sat down with her at a neutral time to talk about it. I said I think it was just a bad habit, so for the next couple of weeks she needed to do exactly as I asked without question. My part of the bargain was to think about what I was asking, if a program is ending in 10 mins, I would say, 'when that program is over...' or 'when you finish that chapter...' which showed respect for her time, but still required her to do things in a timely manner. I also explained that if I ask her to grab a jacket, or put on sneakers instead of flip flops, or whatever, I had a good reason and she needed to trust the fact that I love her and want what is best for her so there was no need for her to question it. Her part of the bargain was immediate compliance for two weeks to break the arguing habit. It became almost a game. She quickly realized I was right, she was just arguing to argue, not because she really had some strong objection to the jacket. :) When the two weeks were over she had learned that obeying wasn't such a hard thing and made our lives much more pleasant. She also realized that what I was pretty reasonable in my requests. :) Now if she has a valid question about something "ok, I'll get my sneakers, but why can't I wear my flip flops?", she does it without an attitude and is really just asking for my reason.
Hopefully with a little delicate intervention from you, your men can learn to communicate with one another more respectfully and your home can become a more pleasant place to live. :)

You need to back your husband up. Your husband will appreciate it, and your son will learn to be more respectful. Consistency! Even if you disagree with your husband, don't do it in front of your child. or he will learn to play the two of you against each other. If your son talks back, he needs consequences every time. If you are leaving and your husband told him to put pants on and bring a jacket, he is to do it, without mothing back. If he does, give him one warning, saying, if you don't do as your father says, you will not be going anywhere this evening. And stick to it! Whatever consequence you decide. Everyone will be better off for it. Your son will understand he is to respect both of you, you won't hear constant bickering, and your husband will really appreciate being listened to and respected. Respect is VERY important to a man!

Hi Austin's Mama,
Consequences are great teachers. Instead of thinking about controlling your son, what would happen if you and your husband were on the same page of teaching your son how to make wish/responsible decisions. If your son gets cold in the evening, he will learn that it's good to have long pants around when you need them. I read a great book written by Danny Silk who has an organization called "Loving on Purpose". It is amazing as it teaches how to strengthen the heart bond between parent and child and raise children who know how to make good decisions. You and your husband might really enjoy reading this book, many families have been changed by the teachings that Danny has done. I think you can google him or his organization and find the book. If you are interested, I may be able to get a copy for you. Message me back with contact info if you would like me to get you a book. I wish you well.
D.