Just returned from a family vacation with the whole family (my 2 stepchildren along with our 3 young children) and I couldn't be more upset. Has anyone experienced this and know how to deal with it? It was like my husband ignored me and our 3 little ones and only wanted to hang out with his two from his first marriage. I'm an efficient planner, highly organized and planned the entire trip and even tried to get his input beforehand but was met with indifference. So it was a rude surprise when my husband treated me disrespectfully during the entire trip, calling me bossy when I was taking charge (what mom doesn't with her family, I mean come on!). He is dysfunctional and mean, so it's not a complete surprise. But I was pretty darn impressed with myself, seeing as how I did it all, cared for all 5 children (baby included), had us organized and planned, ready to go each day. Relatives even commented on how impressed they were in how I handled the whole family. So my husband's lack of respect and rude treatment was sorely out of place and left me with a heavy heart the entire trip, despite the beautiful places we saw and the wonderful family members we visited. I had envisioned enjoying exploring the sights with my husband, hand in hand. What I got instead was a crabby, rude husband who did not help me with anything--not the kids, the baby, not even helping map our journey as I drove (because he refused to drive)! I know he is a difficult man but I didn't think he'd be THIS difficult. What was perhaps the hardest for me to take was his sole attention on my stepdaughter. Walking arm and arm with her and completely ignoring our three kids and me. It was like traveling with "the other woman"! My stepkids hung with their dad and didn't respond to my "hey kids! check out this beautiful thing" comments. When their dad was burpy and ignoring me, they were right by his side, seeming to draw lines in the sand. This was the first trip we have taken as a family and I tell you it will be the last. I seriously lose my husband to his kids from his first marriage every time they're with us and it hurts. I want to point out that my stepkids live with us 50% of the time, so we see plenty of them. This behavior was completely out of line.
Thanks for the responses received so far. Some of you mentioned counseling... tried that, didn't work (he even walked out during a session, claiming he felt bashed hearing about all his bad behavior). Some of you mentioned talking to him. Problem there is he reverts to an immature way of handling conflict. He refuses to acknowledge his part of the problem and then projects onto me, turning me into the monster when in reality he always is. Remember, he is dysfunctional, had a horrible upbringing in a broken home with parents who neglected him and did not love him (still reject him but they're awful people themselves, so he learned a poor example of how to love someone). Did I know this when I married him? Of course not. I stay with him because of our beautiful and very young kids. I am a strong woman and have all the self confidence in the world that I can handle challenges life gives me. I just get bamboozled when my husband gives me the second-class-citizen treatment. He treats our 3 okay when the stepkids aren't around... nothing special but not neglectful. And he is not so difficult and many times nice to me when the stepkids aren't around either. It is like the stepkids are the source of the problem in our marriage. I guess I'm really looking for tips or advice on how to make the family more cohesive when we're together. Dealing with my problematic husband is a problem I'm not sure will ever truly be fixed.. but thanks for your support there...
This isn't a "family cohesion" problem... it's a husband problem.
Perhaps he doesn't see them often enough? Feels guilty? Misses his "old life"- not sure, but hte issue here is the fact that he wasn't respectful toward you, especially in front of them. They won't respect you as a "parent" if he doesn't respect you as his wife.
I agree with Krista P.
It was a bad experience for you because he let it be that way.
Live and learn.
Sometimes when the "first" kids have to swallow the fact that "other kids" get to live with THEIR dad all the time, it leaves a funny taste.
But your husband certainly isn't helping!
When your stepkids aren't around, how much time and attention does your husband give your kids?
If he is attentive to your kids when the stepkids are absent, then I think you have to let the fact that he gives more attention to his other kids go. He is torn and divided, and probably guilty.
Don't feel bad that the stepkids aren't all over you -- that's normal.
Your three kids need a whole family, so don't resent or divide the family over the stepkids. You need to always be kind to them.
If your husband is generally a jerk, that's another story. Don't have advice on that one.
I have to agree with the others, he sounds like a bit of a jerk. However, where the kids are concerned, do you know how he was with his older two when they were younger? You say he pays attention to your three, but nothing 'special'. If your cordial with the ex maybe you could find out if he was like that with the older two as well, it might not be a matter of caring about his second family less so much as him being less comfortable with little kids. I've known men that were less than stellar fathers when the kids were little, but once they were 'kids' (8+ years old) they were fabulous, they just didn't know how to relate to the little ones. If that's the case with your dh figure out what times/activities he seems to enjoy with the little ones and encourage those. As he feels more connected to your kids maybe he'll be better when his older kids are around too.
If you have the strength to handle life's challenges then this is your adventure. I would suggest that you prepare yourself for the long haul and stick with your husband as he grows in a loving environment to where he's able to overcome his problems. It may take years before he is able to see himself clearly. Your children need their daddy and he needs them. Children are the most loving, unjudgmental people. They are part of a healing environment. Also, there is a children's picture book that may inspire you called The Lion's Whiskers by Nancy Day.
Wow! You are an amazing woman! God Bless you!
I totally can relate, since My husband is a total "jerk" to me and our son every other weekend when his 12yo son comes around. I could not imagine doing a whole vacation!
Next vacation, just do YOU, your Husband & YOUR KIDS!!!
Maybe try couples counseling. Sorry that your beautiful vacation was turned into such nightmare!
Good luck,
NM
As your kids get older, they will see how their dad treats them and you. This is not an example you want for your kids. I don't know how far you are willing to take this. Are you willing to leave? Do you know why the first marriage didn't last? If not, I think you do now!
Your husband is an emotional and verbal abuser.
Get yourself into counseling and figure out why you are putting up with him.
I agree, your husband's behavior is the issue here. Talk to him about it and how it hurt you. I wish you the best.
