How to Get Through the "WHY" Stage!

After I answered why like 8 or 9 times, I give them a really long, confusing answer loaded with big words. They get so confused, they forget what they were talking about and go play. Is that cruel? :)

Earplugs. And lots of three martini playdates. Other than that, it's something they go through :) Mine still do it!

I went through the same thing when my son was young. I found this beautiful essay by Dr. Greene (www.drgreene.com) and I copied it and pasted it (from http://www.drgreene.com/qa/why-children-ask-why?page=show). In a nutshell, "why" really means "gee, that's interesting, and I'd like to talk more but my conversational skills aren't really good enough to do it correctly." Enjoy:

"You've asked a question I've heard over and over from parents all around the world. We love to hear the quaint expressions our kids come up with as their language skills blossom, but sometimes their insistent questions seems a bit like the drip, drip, drip of an ancient water torture.

We're frustrated for two reasons. Often we don't know the real answers to the innocent questions they ask, but even when we do, our answers don't slow the pace of their relentless questions. That's because we've misunderstood their language and think that when they ask "why?" they mean the same thing we mean when we ask why. Our cause-and-effect answers miss the mark, and so they fail to satisfy. I'll give you the key to unlock their language so you can answer the real question behind their many, many "whys." Then both of you can revel in the joy of your communication.

When your son was born, his only method of communication was to cry. He used the same sound to mean, " I'm hungry," "I'm bored," "This diaper's on too tight," "My tummy really, really hurts!" "I miss you, mommy!!" and the myriad of other things he was experiencing, feeling, and thinking. An amazing thing happened -- you began to intuitively know what his cries meant, and he began to use slightly different cries to express different needs and desires. Your dance was clumsy at first, but in a brief time the two of you developed your very own language, gliding across the verbal dance floor with style and grace.

When children begin to learn real words, the words usually don't correspond exactly to the way adults use them. Often a specific word is used to indicate an entire category or visa versa. "Dog" might mean any animal, while "meow" might mean "cat" -- but only one cat. These early discrepancies are cute and obvious -- and should be caught on videotape if at all possible. But by the time children are able to speak in sentences, it sounds deceptively like they mean the same thing we do. This happens at about the same time their curiosity, imagination, and creativity skyrocket.

They begin to ask, "Why?" "Why?!?!" "WHY, Mommy, WHYYYYY?"

I've found that, when I try to answer children at this stage of development with the reason for something, they are left cold. After conversing with thousands of children, I've decided that what they really mean is, "That's interesting to me. Let's talk about that together. Tell me more, please?" When I've connected with children and begun to spin a tale to answer this question, they've sat enthralled. There was no need to mention because, or therefore, or cause, or effect. They don't need to know why, all they need is animated attention and me saying whatever came to mind about that subject. After a brief interchange, we were both happy. Let me give you an example.

I remember when one of my own sons asked me why the sky was blue. I told him that on sunny days the sky was blue and that on cloudy days it was gray and that at night it was very, very dark. Sometimes in-between day and night, it's a pretty pink or orange. And there are cool things in the sky. The sun gives us heat and light. It's like the stars, only closer. There are planets that go around the sun, and we live on one of them, called Earth.

Notice that I didn't at all answer why the sky is blue, but I did connect with him and answer his real question. He was delighted with our interchange and I got an enthusiastic "cool," not another automatic "why?" We both won.

When babies cry, they are not just asking for food or a new wardrobe. They are asking for you! Our young scholars are curious and eager to explore the world, but they are still asking for you. They want to explore this fascinating world with the people they feel the safest around and love the most.

This communication dance doesn't end with the "why" phase of development. As children grow, their communication skills become more refined, and it is often more difficult to hear the "That's interesting to me. Let's talk about that together," underneath the surface. As we look for the invitation into our children's lives and relate to them at their level of interest, we'll find countless opportunities to engage with them. This communication dance is not an easy one. Every time we learn the steps, they seem to develop a new set of moves. So, what does "Mom, can I borrow the keys to the car?" really mean? :-)

Read more: http://www.drgreene.com/qa/why-children-ask-why?page=show...

You can't explain to a three year old because they are not quite capable of reason yet.
When my kids were young and talked nonstop, there were times that I gave them a question limit. Seriously. Here are 5 question cards, you have to give me one each time you ask a question and when you've used them up, you are done for the hour. Teaches them to decide what's really important to ask,.
The other thing is, I think it's important to teach kids that adults don't owe them an explanation about our actions and it's fine to tell them that you don't have to justify your actions to him. I work in an elementary school, and my kids are big (10 and 14) so I see plenty of their friends, and kids seem to think they are entitled to explanations. I don't believe that they are. It's fine to ask questions like "Why do birds live in nests?" and he should get an answer to those questions, he is looking for education. If you're saying, "It's time to pick up your toys" and he asks, "Why?" I would tell him that when a parent/teacher tells you to do something, it's not respectful to ask why, that the response to the direction isn't "Why?" it's "Yes Mommy". I know that may not be everyone's parenting philosophy, but it's mine. Take it however you may and good luck.

We had one of the shortest why phases in history...

What I did was actually sit down (or bring them up so they could see what I was doing, and help if possible) and answer. Which could take several hours... since each WHY leads onto something else. I'd essentially just keep up a running dialogue, turning the tables... asking THEM to figure out what they know... or if they can figure it out... diving hands on into resources.

I've done this with a lot of kids in my care. Typically the "why" phase lasts about a week... and then it turns into a "can we learn about ______" phase, which is far easier to set them up on their own or redirect to "In about 10 minutes/ half an hour/ later this afternoon/ etc. we can!" AKA.. the "learn about phase" is sooooo much easier to deal with.

Also... once they've really gotten that you're REALLY going to answer "why"... there's a great phrase: "Do you want the long answer of the short answer?" The short answer inherently doesn't allow for more "whys".

R

This is actually quite endearing. My son does this as well. He's 2 1/2 years old and he's been asking "why" for a WHILE now. I just give him detailed answers to his "why"... Usually this will go on for a while, but I keep elaborating on my response to the point where I end it by asking HIM a question. For example:
"why are you laughing, mommy?"
"I'm laughing because it makes mommy happy and the joke was really funny... I like it when jokes are funny because......and on and on..........
Don't you like to laugh?"

And then he usually answers me and we move on to the next thing.

It's good for him to ask "why". You should definitely not ignore him. His curiousity is a sign of his intellegence. Embrace it! :o)

I don't know how others have responded, but mine is going through that right now as well. Feel free to say "Because I said so, and that's it." If he says "Mommy, I'm talking to you" then you can get down on his level, tell him "It is not talking if you keep asking the same question over and over again." Then give him a book to read and continue about your business.

we ask our, almost 3, son, "why do you think" and then he usually repeats back what we said and moves on. it is very hard though, but you're not alone.

This can be a trying stage to get through. Creativity helps. If I knew an answer off the top of my head I'd give it to my son. Sometimes I'd have to tell him I don't know - let's go look it up. But sometimes a real answer is not what they are really after. So sometimes I would make up a silly story. When my son was little he wanted to know why the moon changed shapes. I told him it was a giant cheese pizza (why cheese? because the cow that jumps over the moon leaks - obviously). When the moon is full, a little stuffed bear we have runs up to it every night and nibbles it until he eats it all up. (Just before it disappears there is just a bit of crust left to see.) Then he has to wait patiently for a few weeks until the pizza grows back again.
My son knows all about how the moon really works now, but we still love the old made up story.

I love 'whys'! Go to your library, there are city libraries and county libraries and they all have programs for kids. Check out books once a week and let him learn to pick out books that interest him that you can read to him. Sometimes turn it around with, 'that's a good question! Why do you think?" I don't like electronic babysitter toys but if you can find playgroups with kids the same age and you can be present, you've got a winning combination.
Don't forget to have music that you like playing more often. It will help you keep your sense of humor. It sounds like you have a bright boy on your hands and love that fact because you are probably a smart mom too!

They don't all do this. My oldest went through a why phase. Supposedly it is a sign of intelligence, if that makes you feel any better.

In the Disney movie Pinocchio, Pinocchio asks "why" a lot, and my son and I had seen the movie. So I used to answer my son's why's about 3 or 4 times, then I would say, "why why why, Pinocchio?" and that told him it was the end of the "why" game.

My other two kids didn't do the why thing. It's about 18 years later, and my 20 year old doesn't ask me "why?" anymore. I miss it!! It was so cute!!

Enjoy it now, it's actually cute, even though it's annoying.

I’m sorry but I think your son sounds adorable an very smart! Plus all that talking is increasing his vocabulary even more (I'm sure that's NOT what you want to hear)! LOL I KNOW how it can drive you nuts! I went through that too with both my kids and STILL with my son. My kids learned a lot through this stage too. My daughter was more inquisitive about the world and how it works so eventually I bought her the book How things work – answers to all your kids questions… something like that. It’s a Highlights book.

Starting from about the same age as your son she became increasingly curious about everything. Every time she would ask me something like “why is the sky blue” I would just say “let’s look it up in the book”. Once she started reading on her own, she just picked up the book herself. Now she is 12 and always has her nose in a book!

With my son he questions about the world but also about everything else! Questions like “why do you have to take a shower”, “why do cars have to stop at the red light”, “why does Daddy have to work ” and each answer I give turns into a new question and on and on!!

I really just see it as a way for him to understand things about everyday life and by answering his questions, he’s learning. BUT, now when he does this and it just becomes a game, I redirect with something silly or saying something to make him laugh or just getting into a tickle war. It works every time! Plus I still have the book and he loves when I read it to him.

Hang in there!

WHY are you asking this? (hee hee). I use distraction with my 3 1/2 year old. If the WHY questions prolong, I will ask her a question. Or several in a row. Gets her thinking about something else, but we will still be engaged in a conversation.

My son went through that phase already... so if that's any consolation that it will "end." It does.

Or now, my son will say it on purpose, just to irk me... his idea of joking.
Then he laughs when my face turns into exasperation.

But now... he has segued into the "how come" sort of phase. So not asking "why" as much... but now its "How come, Mommy?????"

All the best,
Susan

They learn a lot during this stage, so just do your best!

I am one of the moms who answers, and answers, and answers but then eventually either give obviously silly answers to make them laugh and move on to the next thing OR I turn it around on them and ask them why right back:)

I second both the "Why do you think?" and "Because I said so." The first can actually yield some pretty interesting, funny, and/or insightful answers. Little kids know more than we realize. I mostly reserve the latter for questions about why he can't do something.

Oh, the Holy Grail of having toddlers/preschoolers

Unfortunately, our kids are only 21 months apart, so our recently-turned 2 year-old daughter, has started doing it because she hears her older brother doing it.

Loved the responses from Robswife03 and Whizzy. When our son really gets going, I turn it back on him. Turn about is fair play, right? I start asking him why to everything, he gets frustrated, and we move onto the next dramatic moment of a preschooler.

My son was the same way...I always got it to end by asking him "Why do YOU think?" He'd answer and we'd be done.

Good luck!
-M

I turn around and ask my daughter.. well why not?? & that usually gets me out of the routine questions.. i mean after about 5 x's in a row of why i get flustered..lol soo when i ask her well why not.. she will answer or give up and say something as she walks away.. good luck :)

My son is three and a half. His birthday is also in August the 24th. He ask everybody in the house "what are you doing mommy?"....."What are you doing Grandma?"....Also with the "why" questions. My opinion is that children this age are very very very curious of the people around them. They want details on everything. They are very nosy and it is very healthy stage of development. Try to keep your patience with him and answer as honest and firm (in a smooth voice) as possible. Its a good sign he is like that I think. Mine is the same way...Now Im due any day with my second son....So I am expecting tons of questions;)

My DD isn't there yet, but with my nephew, he often asked, "what is that?"...we would respond with, "Well, what IS that?" Because he usually already knew the answer. I think the same would work here. It may not end the "whys" completely, but at least you'd be helping him learn. :)

We are way past that stage but your question made me remember those sweet moments when I was sure I would lose my mind over the why-why-why... thanks for the memories! Enjoy you why-why-why-kiddo... he'll never be 3 again (is that good or bad? ha!).

Just grin and bear it. Answer the best you can--always.