How to Handle a Friend Who ALWAYS Bail on Plans!!!???

You can still talk to her, but I would stop inviting her out. When/if she asks why, you tell her. Still wouldn't invite her to anything though.

I would stop asking. This girl sounds like she has some issues. She calls
2-3 times a day! That would make me crazy unless it was for something
like a recipe, type of thing. You know a quick question. Either she will
come around or you will eventually stop hearing from her. Too bad if you
guys have been friends for a long time.

Does she call you three times a day to talk about her problems? Or is your friendship giving you value as well? I suspect she takes more than she gives, I think you need to reevaluate just how much you want to fix this relationship.

If you want to fix it: "I am frustrated by our lack of plans. Every time I invite you to do something, you bail at the last second or simply blow me off. It hurst my feelings, it's like I'm not important enough to you to make an effort to see me." be honest, let her know how her behavior affects you.

Some people do better with spur of the moment plans.
Try not to take it personally, especially if you're close.
But I wouldn't invite her to too many things where it meant MY plans would be altered if she bails....
I think what needed to be said has been said--you pretty much told her flat out why you stopped inviting her. And she didn't care enough to change.

Make new friends that are not flakes.

Blessings....

Ouch...it sounds like you have grown apart...and the only way for her to say it to you is to not saying anything at all...what sucks is that she is an adult. She can call you 2-3x a day - yet she flakes on plans? That's NOT a friend...

She acted hurt ONCE...go back to not asking....this way - you don't have to worry about whether or not she will show or not...

The other way to handle it is ask her but really don't plan on her being there - mention it in passing and if she shows, great - if not - her loss, not yours. I think she needs help and you can't give her the help she needs! I'm sorry I can't give better advice!

Go back to not asking.
If she plays jealous again, tell her she can make the plans and invite you any time she wants.
Why should the inviting only be one sided?
The ball will be in her court.
If she backs out of plans she makes herself, it's time distance yourself.
The passive/aggressive behavior would drive me nuts - I wouldn't deal with it.
Tell her you are busy and can only talk once a week - and then stick to it.
If you have to vent about it - it IS making you mad - so why not tell her?
Honest communication / conflict resolution will either clear the air or end the friendship (but it sounds like it's fairly one sided to begin with).

Personally, I would distance myself here. If you look at this like a dating relationship, she wants the "perks" of having you around, but doesn't want to put the time into making it happen.

Start making yourself unavailable. Take her first phone call of the day, but not subsequent. Let her know that you are not mad at her, but that you have things going on and that you will talk with her tomorrow.

Stop inviting her to do things... whether she means it or not, she's sending you the message that your relationship isn't all that important! As they say, "she's just not that into you".

It sounds like the friendship has run it's course, honestly. You may have been "BFFs" for a long time, but her actions show that she's "not into you" anymore, or just plain self absorbed & inconsiderate.

I would stop inviting her, take some time from her & focus on the positive friends in your life. The friends that value you & your time.

Life is too short for us adults to let ourselves be sucked in by toxic, negative, drama queens. She really isn't a "friend" if she's treating you this way & playing childish games.

I have had to dump several "friends" because they were nothing but stress & heartache. It's amazing how much happier & relaxed I am, only surrounding myself by positive, good people.

Your friend is crazy and you should probably call the friendship a bust.. it sounds like she's feeding her ego and enjoying the attention of you trying to get a hold of her etc.. weird. I'd send an email and say this is whats going on and it blows my mind but if you want to hang out and we make plans and you bail please do not call me with an excuse, or call me at all. Good luck.

She may be having issues she is ashamed to talk about . It could be anything from not enough money to a boyfriend/husband who gets jealous if she goes out with her friends. She may really want to be there but doesn't have enough money to put gas in her car and go somewhere on the weekend and have enough gas to get back and forth to work the next week. She may be too embarressed to tell you she is that short of money.

I have a friend who's hubby is very insecure and jealous, they have together over 20 yrs and he still doesn't trust her but he's getting better. She may have a man like that. In public he is a great guy but when they get home he makes remarks like 'you spent a lot of time talking to --- guy', so when are you hooking up with him? And she's says hey we went to school together and he was telling me about --- from school... And he accuses her of lying. I've seen that happen. It becomes easier to just avoid going.

She blows up your phone, how old is she, 13?!
Stop inviting her to things. Stop talking to her so much, she sounds like a lot of work. If she gets mad tell her very calmly, I'm sorry you're upset, I just feel like maybe we should take a break, if you want to get together in a few weeks or so to talk, let me know.
Friendships are just like romantic relationships, they should be based on mutual respect. Sometimes you just have to break up :(

Distance yourself. I had to do that with friends who constantly return text messages days after I text them.

Your friendship may have simply devolved into the Phone-A-Friend type. It happens. I have friendships that were forced into that sort of friendship due to long distance or our lives were simply too different or our work schedules didn't match up.

At this point I would just accept that while you two may have a lot to talk about you don't have a lot to do together. There's really nothing wrong with that, it's just a different type of friendship. From here on out, don't make plans with her. The definition of delusion is doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over... yet expecting a different result each and every time. You're deluded ;-) if you make plans with her but you still expect her to change her behavior and then are upset with her for canceling or flaking out.

Once this all shakes out, let us know what happens.

The fact she calls you two to three times a day adds a very weird vibe to her relationship with you. My husband and I don't talk on the phone once most days (he has work to do, after all, and so do I). And any friend who called me as often as your "friend" does would have me worried she was being, well, stalkerish. It's like she has to know where you are and what you're doing -- but doesn't feel any obligation to do anything WITH you.

I'd tell her, "Other than calls about the kids from the sitter/husband/school, I'm shifting all my communcations to e-mail so if you have news for me or want to make plans then the best way from here on out is e-mail." Then DO that. And tell her, with a big smile, that you will check e-mail when you get a chance which may not be every day. I'm not saying lie to her, I'm saying reserve the phone for real communication; it's not her leash on you. Then block her calls and texts too. Answer her e-mails whenever you like.

You can continue to invite her to things IF you somehow still enjoy her company after all this; just always expect that she will not show up and if she does, hey, smile and make sure she is part of the crowd. I wouldn't plan any more "just us friends" outings with only her but would invite her to group gatherings where her presence or absence doesn't matter much.

If she has one grain of sense she will either get the message and just e-mail from now on (though I'd worry she'd e-mail you 20 times a day and forward junk and chain letters) or she will give up on you. Block her e-mails or create a special mailbox for just her e-mail if she sends you too many. If she tries to phone you in spite of what you said and is harassing you by phone, ignore her calls until she stops. She sounds manipulative and very immature. I'd cut this cord.

Wow, I love how so many Moms jump to the conclusion that she's a user or 'crazy'. Jeez. A bit harsh.

I'm going to fess up and say that I do this to my best friend a lot, not to the degree that you've described, but... I have a moderate social anxiety and clinical depression that prevents me from ever wanting to go anywhere. I have good days and bad, and I never know when a bad day will come. I have learned to not ever make plans until last minute because my (now under-treated) social anxiety and depression seems to dictate my moods. It is frustrating for my friend to say the least, I am sure, and she has expressed that and has even distanced herself from me, but I think a true friend will exercise some understanding about these things, if that's the case anyway. True intimacy in a friendship requires her to be honest about it, though. You can't really be required to extend understanding, sympathy, or support for emotions that she's not cluing you into.

If that's not the case, she may just be one of those selfish people that does not want to commit to anything. Distance is about the only thing you can do to protect your own sensibilities.

Good luck!

that does sound pretty annoying. and I don't blame you for complaining. my solution would be to plan something again. if she bails out again than text her saying 'I am very annoyed that on EVERY plan I make, you bail out' if she doesn't answer than lets just face the fact that she is a terrible friend and maybe you shouldn't even bother caring about her. yeah, maybe you guys have been best friends for 15 years but that's just plain rude what she always does but if she does show up to your plan than ask her to stop bailing out of your guys' plans she should answer judge that answer and see if you guys are still attached or if it's time to let go of your guys' friendship.

I've had to drop friends like that. There's one thing about friends I cannot stand is when they do me that way too...making plans then conveniently either 'forgetting' or just blow me off, especially b/c I am such a loyal friend & go way out of my way to accomodate them & do things just for them. I really hate it too when they don't even bother returning my message reminders...it's not only rude & disrespectful but inconsiderate as well. I think that people who act like this are just being selfish & don't care about anyone else but themselves & what is convenient for them. I even had a former female friend that we did so much together all the time, she always called me...nearly every day as well as going over to ea others homes nearly everyday, always doing SOMEthing together, even having "girls nights" where we'd do pedicures & watch movies & usually falling asleep during the movie but we had fun & we seemed the best of friends but all of a sudden she was getting a divorce & seemed to use that as an excuse to change her behavior. She started drinking & being beligerant or manipulating people...totally not the girl I made friends with. She even quit calling or contacting me, quit answering my calls/texts, etc. & for 6 mos I didn't hear a thing from her then out of the blue, she texts me seemingly all upset & made me think something terrible had happened to her family according to her message. At first I kept trying to get her to just talk about it on the phone, for one thing, she hadn't called or texted for 6 mos & she's calling me 'now'? but she insisted that I come to her, so being a good friend, I dropped everything (even as a work at home employee who had a very important deadline to make & stopped what I was doing) to go & console my friend against my better judgement. When I got there she asked if I'd take her to the store & thought it was odd but maybe just an excuse to 'get out of the house' & explain "what happened". No she lied to me to get me up there & tricked me into taking her to a liquor store b/c her new boyfriend wouldn't do it (didn't find that out til after of course) so she could get drunk again & become beligerant & volitile to me & her guests at home! She even had the gall to say "why haven't you been trying to call me or text me?" making it seem like I was the one who was ignoring her. I reminded her that I HAD called, numerous times, as well as texting & she never got back with me. She made the excuse of "oh, huh, that's strange, I never got any messages..." Yeah, right! I was SO mad & I told her that I did not appreciate her lying to me & making me think something horrible had happened just to get me up there & take her to a liquor store, that is NOT cool & that's the last time I heard from her or saw her again & that was sometime last year. I really wanted to help her but she wouldn't listen to me or anyone else & really hated to drop the friendship but I won't be lied to & will NOT be disrespected in that way. You may have to do the same & just move on to other friends who DO respect you & are considerate of your time. Good luck!!

Oh my, do you live in St. Louis? LOL This is like a major issue with people up there. I has several "friends" in St Louis that would do this to me. I finally stopped inviting them. What's really funny is that one of my good friends and I met in St. Louis, but she was actually from my hometown. Most of our friends were mutual friends, so a lot of times it would be either her or I making party plans and these same people saying they will be there then not showing up. She looked at me at one party where only half the people were there that said they would be and said, "What is this a St. Louis thing?"
It made me laugh, because back home NO ONE ever made plans then backed out unless it was a real emergency. I guess she felt the same way. That's ok though, of all the "friends" I had back there, she is the only one I bother to keep up with, so less work for me.

This is so me! Sadly your friendship is coming to an end. It took me years to figure this out. I would just stop calling her or answering when she calls. It is sad and hard to understand why they act the way they do. I hope you can move on because I know I was miserable always wondering why she did this and why she didn't do that. It is hard but you can do it!

I had a close coworker like this. We worked together for 6 and 1/2 years. When we first had gatherings she would typicaly come up with an excuse a few days out. When our manager leaned into her more and asked her to come to things more recently she would say she would be there and then bail at the last minute. I had pretty much given up on getting together with her outside of work but was pleasantly surprised that she would get together with just me for a couple of lunches. I have recently left that job and have as yet to go to lunch with her but probably will again. I would say if it is absolutely consistent send her an email or note in as nonaccusatory tone as possible letting her know WHY this matters to you. Some people figure you have your plans and they can come along if they want to, they don't realize that you plans center around them if they do. Also if you see a pattern that is not consistent but has some areas where she is willing to get together talk to her about that and why it is. Some people cannot stand certain spouses or friends but they are okay otherwise. if it is real consistent and she still doesn't talk after you ask perhaps it is time to weed your garden

Sounds like someone I was friends with. We would really connect via phone or email then go to make plans and everything would fall apart on her end. I stopped making contact with her all together. I let her reach out to me. Eventually I stopped hearing from her and now we exchange a few kind simple emails on occasion. I would back off and let her come to you.

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