How to Handle Daughter-in-Law with Weak Parenting Skills

Hello,

First, tell your son that you would like to offer to help your daughter-in-law and ask him if that would be okay with him. Since they are not together, please respect your sons wishes. Then, assuming your son is okay with it, if you truly want to help, ask your daughter-in-law if there are things that you can do to help her. Try to be specific in the things that you can assist with. When my MIL offers to help, I'm never sure if she is really willing to help or just saying it. I saw from your blog that you are very into cooking and health food - perhaps you could offer to make a meal or two and deliver it to her a couple of nights per week so that she wouldn't have to cook on those nights. Perhaps you could offer to babysit so that she could have time to grocery shop, do errands, etc. If she might appreciate a subscription or two to a parenting magazine (not as a criticism but as a gift - something to read after the kids have gone to bed) perhaps you could buy it for her as a gift given of love, again, not criticism. A major help to me is when my grandmother has offered to come to my house when I'm at work and do laundry for me - she does the laundry and leaves it folded on my bed. A huge help and blessing!!! She never criticises the stains - just does her best - she never tells me that my son is hard on his knees or has too many "potty accidents" - she just tells me that she is glad she is here to help.

A last bit of help you might offer is if you know that your grandchildren need something (outgrowing car seats, need boosters, etc) and you can afford to purchase.

Try to keep in mind that virtually every mother, your DIL included, is doing the best they can do given their particular circumstances. If the children are not in danger - you are best off offering concrete assistance. If you criticize you may jeopardize your access to the children and I think that children need as much family support as possible.

Just my 2 cents...good luck. C.

First I would remember that their father (your son) hooked up this messy housekeeper and made babies with her. What kind of role model is their father is he a spotless housekeeper and good father?

Does the mother of your grandchildren work to support them? Does your son assist in his children’s support? A slurpee before dinner? What kind of food is served for dinner and their overall diet throughout the day.? What kind of help have you offered to the mother of your grandchildren?

Lastly, I would advise being supportive and as helpful as possible. Encourage you son to help as much as possible with the kids and the house. Enjoy the visits and zip it with any criticism (unless your grandchildren are bing abused or are in danger), or you may find yourself with less time with the grandchildren you adore.

Blessings.......

Here's the thing. How often does your son have the kids? Is it every weekend? So that's 2 days out of the week? She has them 5. She works hard, picks her kids up at daycare, maybe needs a pickmeup after a long day, gets a soda and a "treat" for the kids, then takes them home, feeds them, bathes them, puts them to bed. Maybe she gets to take some time to play with them, maybe she doesn't get more than an hour. If she is lucky, she gets to bed herself by 10 o'clock. Then she wakes up the next day and does it all over again. By herself.
I am with my husband and SAH, but I can tell you for certain that it is HARD to pick up after two preschoolers. I can't imagine trying to clean up in the one or two hours a day I had to myself as a working single parent of twins.
So. Give her a break. If you REALLY want to help and not just criticize, you could gift her with a maid service once a month. NOT you cleaning her house. A service. And you probably should be very careful how you word your "gift".
Good luck to all of you. Raising kids is hard.

You don't say what your son's apartment situation is. You being the grandma, you of course want what is best for your grandbabies, especially since the parents aren't together. However, since the person in question isn't your child, but the ex, you have to be careful about seeing the situation through rose-colored glasses.

If you are on good speaking terms with the mom, then it would probably be okay to make suggestions about certain things. If you are not, then all suggestions should probably come from your son.

Possible things that may be received well, depending on how they are presented would be:
- you paying for a weekly maid service for her house.
- you paying for a meal service 2-3x a week.

As for slurpees before dinner, we've all splurged from time to time. My hubby gave my 3y a bowl of Cinnamon toast crunch at 10p as a bed time snack. ?!? My eyes bugged on that one.

M.

I don't see anything you mentioned that needs to be addressed with the mother. It's not easy keeping things tidy when you have small kids. I can clean up now and my 2 kids will make it look like I haven't cleaned in days in a matter of seconds! And if the kids are in daycare says to me that she's a working mom, which is even tougher. I know first hand what that's like, it's not easy.

I think you may be way, way too critical. I don't mean to sound harsh, just being honest. Obviously you care about your grandchildren. But please don't let these minor things make you feel that the mom has "weak" parenting skills.

I agree with everything Christine S said, so I won't repeat all that. I thought she had some great ideas of how to be helpful. While I agree with you about no slurpees before dinner and a clean house being a better example, it isn't harmful, just not good habits. If you want to be around to be a positive influence in their lives, you can't push her away. And I have to admit that I am guilty of everything you said. My husband is away out of town about 75% of the time, for weeks on end, and I can tell you I sure wouldn't appreciate someone dropping by my house without notice. I stay at home and I only have one toddler, but anyone walking in during the day would likely say the same things. It is hard to keep up wth everything by yourself. Nothing gets done until my son is in bed so during the day it looks like a tornado came through. And some days you get so sick of the constant parenting that you just have to go get the slushy to be fun again. Unless she is being negligent (and here is where I agree with JL) it would only cause friction and problems, so it is not worth it.

Sadly, this is very much out of your control. What you *can* do is: give them good food, guidance and love when they're with you. What you really *shouldn't* do, ever, is bad-mouth their mom. It takes a lot of years before a child is even remotely emotionally detached enough from a parent to tolerate criticism of parents. Let your husband, as their father, handle it in family court, if he feels he ought. If not, just love them, support them, and hope for the best.

First of all, do you have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law? If not, I would not make waves. If so, maybe you could offer to do her laundry or wash the dishes.

I know that it is hard to see your grandchildren in a situation that is not up to your standards, but remember they are twins and it is difficult with one child that age with both parents around all the time, let alone 2 children at 3 years. Also, if she has them most of the time, she is probably exhausted.

My MIL used to criticize my skills frequently. And that just added guilt to my being overwhelmed. (And I am still with her son!)

How is your relationship with the DIL?

I fully understand that you want to help and that you're keeping the health and welfare of those two beautiful babies in mind BUT...unless the children are in jeopardy, then it would be best to stay out of it with your DIL.

I don't agree with the behaviors you describe either, but a better angle would be to work through your son since he is your blood relative, the father of the children, and co-parenting with the babies' mothers.

Now, if their health and welfare is being compromised severely or if they're in a dangerous situation then that's a completely different circumstance where you may need to get officials involved. Otherwise, your best bet is to stay out of it with the DIL (for the record, if these were my grandkids I would be annoyed, too).

unless the children are being harmed, there is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by being a critical mother-in-law, she does things a certain way and your opinion of those things are unlikely to change the way she does them(by the way, i am a NEAT FREAK and my children rarely get anything to drink but water or white milk - so i'm not saying i disagree with the "issues" at hand!). you could attempt to talk to your son, but realize that if he's anything like my husband(we are VERY close), she's gonna hear 100% of what you tell him. so i'd think long and hard before saying/doing anything.

grandma
you said you see your grandkids when they're with your son. how do you know what your EX DIL feeds them at dinner?
please. do not make an example of yourself of meddling (EX) MIL.
nothing good can come out of that.
while i may be biased as i know firsthand how wicked MIL's can be, i will say as politely as i can, these kids are your grandkids. enjoy them as their grandma, not their mom or dad.

You cant help without interfering. It's not your place to judge her parenting skills. What you CAN do is model better behaviour when the kids are around you and their father. They are smart and will see the differences. Not everyone is like you. the kids will see it both ways and later they will chose their own way modeled after her way or yours.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you absolutely don't have any say in the matter. Having a messy apartment or feeding kids slurpees is not going to harm them in the long run.
If it concerns you or annoys you, you do need to know that she is within her right as a parent to do what she feels is okay or is best.
Please don't view her as "weak" just because she doesn't share your standards. Her kids deserve to have their mom held in a good light by you. Kids pick up vibes more than we realize.