Well, I am not a MIL, but I was privileged to be included in a conversation last week with some older lady friends of mine who ARE MIL's. One was having a problem with a DIL and was asking if she was out of line or whack or if the DIL was the one who had inappropriate expectations.
(I agreed with her, her DIL has over the top expectations, btw).
And in listening in, it became obvious that the big factor is communication. Not everyone comes from the same background. I don't mean intact family, same socio-economic status, etc. Although, those can be factors as well. I am talking about the role of the mother in the household. This particular friend, worked when her kids were growing up. It was required for them to give their kids all the things they wanted to provide for them, and also for this mom to be the woman she is (very driven). They lived far away from all their extended family and dealt with life as it was handed them, including crisis situations, without easy help from in-laws. They had to rely on themselves and the network of friends and sitters they had built up. (Much like myself---we've never had the easy convenience of a MIL to take the kids for us to have a regular date-night. It has ALWAYS required we make babysitting arrangements and PAY for services, including getting them to our home and back after the sitting gig, no matter how late, etc).
Well, this woman's DIL did not grow up that way. Her mom was always there and does and helped with ease. She currently lives about an hour from them (the DIL's mother) but is ill and unable to come do everything the DIL needs at the moment (basically being a live-in nanny for 2 weeks straight). So the DIL called up my friend and TOLD her when she needed her to come and how many days she would have to stay. Very summarily. Like dictating what was going to happen.
My friend lives 3 hours away. So this is a move-in thing, not a drive back and forth every day thing. She also has a life. And other responsibilities and things she has obligated herself to do back here at home. So, she tried calling the DIL and explaining that it didn't work for her to be there for 2 weeks, but to find out which days were most crucial so she could adjust her schedule to help out at the most important of those days. DIL would not return her phone call. So she called her son to ask "hey, I can't get an answer, which days are the "worst" so I can plan, b/c I cannot be there the entire 2 weeks". Now DIL is mad.
During the discussion, the conclusion was reached that she is mad b/c my friend reached out to her son, by-passing the DIL. But, the woman wouldn't answer her phone or return her calls... so what was she supposed to do?
But, the real problem came from the fact that the DIL can dictate to her mother and her mother jumps. But MIL doesn't. So...
Maybe if we all took a look at personalities and history, it would help us see things from a perspective that isn't ours. And Communicate! Don't avoid those phone calls just bc it isn't what you want to hear. The girl is mad b/c MIL isn't giving up her life for 2 solid weeks, and instead is willing to (happily) give up one, and come back a few days later for a few more days. But that isn't good enough for her. She doesn't want to have to come up with any other solution. She wants her parents and inlaws to make it easy.
But here's a newsflash for us DIL's: Its OUR problem, when we need help. Not our IL's problem. Accept the help you can get and figure the rest out. Don't be mad b/c you don't get what you expect and assume is the "proper" amount of help. Be grateful you get any. Some of us don't get any.
In other words, grow up.