How to Handle Mother in Law

Maybe you should show her all of these responses!

Bottom line is... he is your son. It is not too late to make changes but you have to be consistent and realistic in what changes you need to make. Your husband has to be on the same page too. Talk to your husband, lay it out on paper (just so you can see, yourself , realistically, what it is that needs immediate changing.) Rome wasn't built in a day so try to hit the the major changes first, and, how I see them are: No candy before bedtime, more control over meal choices, limited overnighters, limited and parentally-controlled TV and curtail the amount of TV. These seem to be the biggies.... You can't expect Grandma to stop flourishing your child with attention and you don't want to cut all ties but you have to set some ground rules. Some occasional snacks at Grandmas can be permissible but you really shouldn't feel that she has control over all aspects of his life. She really has been able to run your household WITH your permission, because you have been very laid back and allowed someone to control the dynamics of raising your child. Now she's feeling out of control, hence the "stalking/drive by's" (which would make me feel that my privacy is a bit violated!)

For whatever the reason, you have allowed the situation to escalate to the state that it is in. You have turned your back on some of the negative behavior and allowed your son to be with grandma. It's probably been convenient for you to run errands, short trips, or get some projects done, knowing that your son is safe with Grandma. Now that it is intrusive, it is a problem. Unfortunately, it probably has been building to a problem for quite some time. You've used her, too. This is not all HER fault. If you really thought that she was not good for your child, you would not have allowed her that much access. At her defense, she raised one "very good son" that you happened to marry.

You and your husband should be kind when discussing this with your MIL and emphasize that the changes have to be "what's best for YOUR SON". If your husband decides to waffle or is not making a united front for his family, these changes will be useless.

I understand that this has turned into a manipulative situation with your MIL, however, any time you allow ANYONE to get in the middle of your relationship with your husband and undermine your authority (because it's just what she is doing), you are asking for trouble. Hopefully, should any one else tries to drive a wedge in your family life, you'll stop them before it becomes so problematic.

I went through something similar with my stepdaughter and her grandma. When I met her she was very cute but SPOILED!! Dad lived with his mom (her grandma) and they let her do whatever she wanted. When he moved out she demanded time with her (and every time my husband would cave) even if it meant WE had to drive 1.5 hours just to drop her off and come back! It has taken about 1.5 years to get her to the point where she'd listen, follow directions, etc. And of course grandma let her watch lots of TV and she'd fill her with sweets.

I did find that telling grandma the truth (which is that she's just the grandma, that she has no right to "demand" time with her, and that she wasn't following our rules which made things hard) didn't get us ANYWHERE! Instead it just made things miserable for all of us. Grandma would pump her full of sugar EVEN MORE, let her sleep in her bed, etc. In short, it didn't work AT ALL.

What worked was the "polite" route of not making grandma wrong. When grandma wanted time ooops, we were busy! Of course grandaughter would LOVE time with her, but she has a playdate/friend time/sports activity/etc. Or oops, she was with someone else. We got really creative! Even if grandma got mad and accused us of lying, we stuck to our story with nice words, and never said anything bad about grandma. In short, we didn't make grandma feel like we were "cutting" time with her because that made her want to hold on even tighter.

We also did things gradually, not all at once. We cut one day, then another, then another. Slowly though, not all at once. It did seem to prolong the suffering, but it helped grandma not feel so upset.

We also worked really hard with stepdaughter to let her know that the rules at our house are OUR HOUSE RULES and it didn't matter what anyone else did, those were the rules.

Now even though we HAVE to let her spend the night every other weekend (sigh) sometimes they are busy. And stepdaughter's getting to the point now where she'd rather be with friends than hanging around grandma's. If your son got some friends or you enrolled him in preschool "for socialization" he'd be doing other things. Grandma can't argue with him starting to live his own life.

I learned that you get more places with honey. Sure it tastes bitter in YOUR mouth because you really have some things to say! But really...the important thing is your son growing up to be a good citizen (which he won't with no boundaries) and him also keeping a good relationship with grandma. So bite your tongue...and go with the sweet route!

Good luck!

HE,

I saw that you said you're a mom of three - so what's going on with the other two kids? Why does your MIL seem to have taken "possession" of your 4 yr old?

I agree with the prior posts, YOU need to sit down with your husband and get on the same page, no turning back. No guilt trips from MIL. Nothing changes whatever you decide is best. You need to be the parents here and not get walked all over by her or your son or anyone else. You are not being selfish. You are being a mother to your son - setting limits, determining healthy food and people in his life.

It doesn't matter if your MIL is one of the nicest people you know - it's not her child. Period. She needs to realize that her role as Grandma is NOT to spoil him, but to be an extension of the parents and respecting their wishes if she wants to continue having such open access to your son.

I think the bottom line is you and your husband need to set some limits with her - and stick to it. How often (hours at a time) does she get your son? How frequently (days of week)? Overnight? And then IF she has him, she needs to follow your rules/wishes. I say set the rules. If she breaks them, start limiting access further. No overnighters. Limit how long she can take him for.

Another possible solution - enroll your son in preschool starting this fall. Use the logic that he needs to be engaged with kids his own age, learn to take instructions from teachers, start some curriculum, etc.

Another thought - I didn't see anything in your post about why your MIL takes him out of your house so much? What I'm asking is did this start out as a "let me help you out" thing that's gotten out of control or did you ask for her help with him because you needed her? Is there any reason that she IS taking him out of your home? Simply put, I think you should let her know how much you appreciate her and how great it is that she loves your son so much, but LIMIT using her as a "free sitter" or in any other capacity where she may feel "used". As in, "Oh it's fine to take him off your hands when you want me to, but now when I want to see him." Make sure that you are clear that you want her in your lives and that you know how much she loves your son. Perhaps this can result in a WIN-WIN if she doesn't feel shut out, but you are able to establish days/times she gets to see him or take care of him without feeding him a terrible diet, letting him watch so much tv, or asking for sleepovers or more time with him.

I hope this helps.

I think that your mil is overstepping her bounds completely and you need to speak up for your family and son. If your husband is not going to be strong you need to. As others have said set up your boundaries in writing and follow through.

I would not feel any guilt for this. MIL is completely inappropriate and you need to protect your son. I think that their may be hurt feelings for awhile but if you set up boundaries and let her know what they are for she may be more supportive.

I wish you luck. I have issues with my in-laws and my husband is mostly supportive but then will fall back on they are still my parents. I stand firm because I believe in my values (which is usually the issue) and what I want to instill in my son.

I know that things must be hectic with a newborn at home, but perhaps you could hire a college girl to come in a couple days a week to help out with your older kids so you can recover and spend time with the baby while your older kids are still under your care, in your own home.

I am sure that you are going to hear from lots of grandmothers! But, I just want to say that I feel that the parents are the primary caregivers and need to be a source of strength, stability and love for their kids; which sometimes means saying 'No' to offers of assistance from others, whatever the intention. But, particularly in this case if you think that the care provided by grandmother is harmful to your child and your relationship with your child.

Say "Thanks for offering a sleep-over, but Johnny is going to stay home with us for a couple of weeks to spend time with the baby and us" and leave it at that. You are DEFINITELY not be a "selfish jerk"; on the contrary! You are being a loving, invested, responsible parent who loves their child and wants to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child. If you need to, screen calls and return the call when you are calm and able to have a brief conversation about your plans for the week with your son, then: STICK TO THE PLAN. If that means being away from the house, try to set up visits with friends or take walks through the forest preserve. I personally would not want my child spending time with a "crazy, frantic" person, even if that person was a grandparent. May sound harsh, but true. Don't feel guilty! You are the mama. Do what YOU (and your husband) feel is best for YOUR family. Good luck! HUGS!!

I have been there, and it did end badly. Most likely b/c my DH did not take action with his parents. At each opportunity he caved and left me angry at all of them. I drew the line when they would bring 'thinking of you' presents to my first child, handing them out infront of both of my kids, and had nothing for the second. I believe my MIL used the fact that I was powerless, especially when she could manipulate my DH to prevent my DH and I from asserting our parental boundaries.

Now, I would've been so specific with my DH and explain that game to him like second grade math. I would then come up with a game plan and give him specifics of what he can say/do to support you. You already know what she does to undermine you both. Be smart, write out a game plan, and practice it. Then have HIM set the boundary that visitation will be limited if at all. Then you step in and set the rules. It is very important that your husband back you up. Trust me. He is her weapon. Once he is on your side you will have stronger boundaries to encircle your son and get him back on track. Please let me know if you want to talk more about this. Her game is to violate your boundaries.

The first thing that has to happen is that you and hubby need to sit down and talk out every detail. Then, he has to agree to stick together and not back down - period. MIL knows he is a pushover, so that is the first battle. The two of you really must present a united front, no exceptions. Then you can explain to her about limiting the overnights, supporting your parenting, and following your rules. She will still be grandma and get to see him and spoil him somewhat, but not constantly. She has to learn to go by what you two say, then squeeze in a little spoiling here and there. If you are not firm and not united, she will not get the point and will not see any reason to change. If she refuses to change, tell her your son is getting too old for her to do this and it is affecting him and your family and she will have to forego visits until she agrees to let the two of you parent and respect you. Not seeing him at all for a few days or a week might get her attention and convince her to change. This is your son and it is more important that she not spoil him in this way and feed him so much garbage. You are 100% correct in not wanting him to grow up this way. It is unhealthy for him and will not teach him anything. I'm afraid of all the negative effects of the spoiling and especially the diet. Since it has gotten out of control so to speak, you will need to be a bit more drastic and dramatic about it in order for it to change. I wish you luck and believe you are definitely wanting to do the right thing.

I really like N.W.'s approach, to make sure that Grandma doesn't come across wrong. I have no idea if I could actually deliver on it, but it's worth a shot!

Your son's behavior may be a symptom of new sibling jealousy. If your MIL wants to help, have her come over and rock the baby while you and your son go to the park for an hour. Have her do the laundry while you put together some puzzles with your son. If she really wants to help, and you want her help, get her to come over to YOUR house and play by your rules.

Not all grandparents get the grandkids for overnights. I have a couple of friends and two sisters who never left their kids overnight anywhere until the kids were school-aged. So, consider this as an option, and not your MIL's right. Have her come over before bedtime and catch fireflies with him for a half hour. Invite her over for pancakes one morning... everyone wears PJs! Having options like this will soften the message, ensure that she's not excluded.

Potty training is nothing to mess with... you can put your foot down with this. Frame it like you want her help to talk about using the potty with your son overnight. Tell him that he will be at home for awhile until he is dry for X number of weeks. Suggest to her that she buy him a new set of underwear to use the first time he's staying over her house after accomplishing this. I'm just brainstorming here ;)

Okay, just one more idea: what is the teeth situation? I couldn't help but read in horror about that potential issue. All that bad food... and chances are she isn't brushing as thoroughly as is necessary!

If it gets to a confrontation, never let go of the confidence that you are thinking of your son's best interests... for the long-term. Teeth, potty, family bonding, boundaries... these are important to grow happy, healthy adults! Best of luck!

First of all, you don't want to confront her because you don't want her to harbor feelings. But it's ok for you, his mother, to harbor feelings instead? Absolutely not. This is YOUR child and you need to take control. Your husband needs to be on your side, which sounds like he is some of the time but he needs to be all of the time. I really don't know why her feelings are more important than then your relationship with your son? How is it ok that she is taking your son from you, making him not want to come home to his family and think it's ok to get away with whatever he wants? I just think that's crazy! He may be young now but you are being set up for terrible problems in the future if you allow her to keep her actions up. I know she's trying to "spoil" him but she's turing him into a spoiled rotten child. I'm certain you don't want that for him so you need to gear up and confront her. Personally what I would do is put your foot down and not allow her to see him at all until she can follow the rules. And if she starts ANY of this up again, take away her visitations. Another thing, you resent her for asking you in front of your son if he can stay over more. Again, I don't understand why you resent this and/or have allowed this. I know it has snuck up on you and then next thing you knew, she's totally controlling the situation BUT, you're the M., you call the shots! No mother likes to hear/deal with a child who wants their way but if it's not a good idea he spends the night again, then he doesn't because you said so. Simple as that. Basically, you're being bullied and manipulated. It's just too bad even if you feel badly for her because your son is her life. Are you going to let her do this to your daughter too? Because she will try! You need to seriously gain control. She needs to know where her place is and that YOU'RE the mother, NOT HER.

Hi, I was looking and it looks like you have three children. Besides the new baby where is the other child? Hope this isn't too bad or private a question.
Unfortunatley you might have to avoid the phone calls. You are right confrontation doesn't do much. And if you are feeling better maybe you can get out and about a little. I am assuming you had a hard delivery or a c section. I just had a hysterectomy and am housebound so I know how hard it is.
Your little guy is probably a little jealous. :You might remind grandma of that. The more out of the house he is the more jealous he might get. He needs to be with the baby right now...Grandma could probably help you around the house if you can stand it. Good luck!

You asked us mammas what we would do in your situation, so here it goes: Since hubby doesnt have a backbone to his mom you have to be the one to put a stop to this. You can write out a script for him to read to her. You must be present too. Or if he wont do it then you have to do what is right for your family. You must stand up to this woman & take back your son. She has taken over your parental role & she doesnt care. She is filling her void using your son. You have to set up boundaries so she becomes the grandma again. You know this entire situation is wrong & you are allowing mental & physical (poor diet) damage to your son. Of course you are NOT being selfish, she is. But just like a child will try to get away with as much as they can & push the limits, she is doing the same thing. Good luck taking back control of YOUR family.

It sounds like your mother in law is not really the "nicest". If she is undermining you and using her grandson to get her way, then she has issues you may not want your kids around to see so much. Have you thought about talking to your father-in-law? He knows her the best and he may be able to be an ally in this situation. Another thing you can try is telling her that until your son is 100% potty trained he cannot have sleep-overs. This will give you some time to figure out a more permanent solution. You need to put up strong boundaries. It's hard the first few times you do it, but it gets easier as you do it more often. Good Luck.

WOW! That is why I live so far away from family! But seriously, I don't think you're wrong at all. He's your son, she had her chance with your husband. I'm sure you want a good relationship with your son, too. I say go into detox mode! Try and go for two weeks with out seeing her. See how your son does with out her and then set some ground rules and stay firm. It's confusing to have two sets of rules for a young child. Tell her that if she can't follow your rules, there will be no more overnights and day long excursions. It sucks that you're going to have to be the bad guy but you're the parent, not your MIL. I do think it's wonderful though that she loves your son so much, but she needs to be contained.

You need to first sit down with your husband and come up with some kind of strategy that you both stick to. His giving in is where grandma is taking control. Your son is 4 and he needs to realize that mommy and daddy are in control. If you say no, than the answer is no. If she continues to take advantage, you need to treat this like a child taking advanatage and maybe no visits for a week. I can understand that your son is now her life but you and your husband have to stick together and lay down the rules. It won't work if you do not work together on this.

Hi H E. I'm so sorry this is going on. I'd recommend a few things. First is try not to get too upset b/c you're postpardum and they might blame it on that instead of your true and correct feelings! Second, since your dh is on your side, thank God, have him call a family meeting in a restaurant where everyone has to behave and it is neutral ground. Get a sitter or call another family member to watch your son, your baby would be better left out of this but if you'll be gone too long, I am sure you could bring daughter along but it might be a distraction to mil. Have a very distinct list of what she does & what happens to your son because of this. Be clear that this is affecting him and the world does not need another spoiled child. A little spoiling is fun, too much is just ruining him- his mental and physical health. I had to go toe-to-toe with my mil more than once. It is not fun, it goes much better if your husband is there with you instead of thinking your stark-raving mad lol. Mine thought I was nuts that I didn't want my kids sleeping over b/c she had a live-in boyfriend who had teenaged boys. There were too many uncomfortable variables there. Now he sees my point, but the damage was done when my guy saw a scary movie that gave him nightmares for weeks! But I digress. Seriously, have a list, have your husband speak as much as possible for you two and put your foot down, they're YOUR kids, she had hers.

Also, I liked the other mom's idea of saying he needs to be home to bond with the baby. You all need to get used to your new normal, and he needs to know he's welcome and loved in his own home. Four years old is too young to be away for days at a time, and definitely too young to be in charge of adults!!

Good luck to you!
D.

I can only imagine the frustration you must be feeling & this is really a tough situation. I have two adult children from a previous marriage & a toddler with my new hubby. In my previous marriage I had an ex-mother-in-law EXACTLY the same way. It drove me absolutely NUTS & my ex-hubby didn't make any attempts to talk to his mother about the problems we were having. Here is what I did. I had a heart to heart with my ex-mother-inlaw making it clear to her that although I appreciated her taking such an interest in my children & wanting them to constantly be over, I needed to raise my children the way I saw appropriate. That meant if "we" said NO to cookies/candy, junk food, the same would hold true at her house. Since she HAD her opportunity to raise her children the way she wanted, she of course would want you to do the same & respect your rules. My ex MIL learned to respect our decisions for our children & we did ultimately move farther from her so we were able to limit the visits. I do NOT think your being selfish or unreasonable in your requests at all. After "laying down the law" to my MIL, it really did help & my children turned out wonderful & have a very good relationship with their Grandparents. Hang in there & stick to your beliefs. Good luck to you!

You are the mother, you need to put YOUR foot down, even if your hubby does not. This is a totally redicualous situation and she needs to be put in her place, even if it causes conflict with you and her and the family. Good luck and I am thinking how lucky I am to live 6 hours from my family, even though I love them and miss them, we are the parents and our rules go! My kids are very close to thier grandparents and I want them to be, I think it is important, but that is exactly what they are....Grandparents! Good luck and I hope you make they change soon, before it gets worse!