How to Help a Teenager Politely End an Opposite-sex Friendship Gone Sour

Forget the being kind & polite. If he's going to follow her to college out of state, then this is an obsession that needs some major intervention. Put a peace bond against him. Don't take chances on her life by being polite.

When I had a problem with a boy in high school, my Dad would usually sit him down and have a "What are your intentions talk" That usually freaked them out and sent them running. It might help clarify what the young man was thinking to have her father involved. Plus it might make her less vulnerable to have the male presence of her father standing up to the boy.

I love Laurie's advice! He does deserve to be told straight out. Does this guy have a temper that has ever reared its head? Not to scare you, just something to be aware of and make the counselors aware of if you have any concerns here. Sometimes these relationships can become obsessive.

After she talks to him, I would suggest that your daughter just not be available to him. (If she has a cell - not answer it, not be available to hang out after school, etc.) Have her find something else to do or somewhere else she needs to be... and be ready to remind him that he can't go with her.

You're being a great mom by keeping on top of this!!!! Kudos to you, D.!!!!! Sounds like you will need to prepare your sweet daughter (role play, maybe) what to say to him/how to say it.

Blessings to all of you,
M.

Ah yes, I have had this same experience. It is a fine line not to hurt their feelings, but I started off the conversation by explaining, this was what I wanted and needed,it was not a reflection on the person.

No more hints. It sounds like she needs to have a straight talk with him. She needs to tell him she thinks he is a nice person, but he needs to find some new friends. Also that she feels like he is depending on her for a stronger friendship than she is able to give him. She can reassure him that he will easily find some other friends, but she wants a break from all of the time they are spending with each other.

She can tell him that she is looking forward to starting over in College. She really wants to go and meet all new people. She would like to be able to enjoy her college with no attachments. She should once again let him know that she feels pressured by him. He seems to expect that if they were to attend the same college that she will not want to spend time with him, the whole point to attending college is to meet all new friends and to become independent as well as get a college education.

If she feels like she needs a mediator, she should speak with a school counselor about sitting in on this talk. The counselor can help guide this conversation.

She must be a very kind person for him to be so devoted. As long as she is clear about what she wants, she is being fair to expect him to respect her needs.

You know I asked my hubby about your request because I really didn't have a good way to go about it either. He said that maybe her dad should talk to the young man directly and ask him about his plans to go to the same school as your daughter and just have a good man to man talk about how to treat young ladies and how to give people healthy space, you know whatever men talk about when we aren't around! If that is not an option his other idea was to talk with he and his parents about the situation and just get things on the table that way and let him know that his sort of pushy clingyness is not too welcomed. On a side note, as an adult I had a problem with a really clingy friend and her husband. I knew them before I got married and they thought they had some weird claim on me afterward. My husband talked to her husband and although the friendship ended completely, the problems ended too. So sometimes having the dudes talk it out is helpful. Best wishes whatever you guys decide to do!

She's halfway through her senior year. She needs to start taking steps to not be as available - and whatever she does she should make sure that she does not provide him with an address at her new college. She might also consider changing her cell # over the summer or once she's at college or getting a second prepaid cell so she has a number she can give to people she doesn't trust not to give him the #. He sounds like he has stalker potential, so be pleasant, but be wary. Has anyone spoken to his parents or a school counselor about this? I would NOT take the public humiliation approach. He is obviously already awkward in the social arena and that sort of thing is just freaking cruel. He needs help with socialization, not shoved into further isolation. Best of luck.

I have two daughters, one 20 and the other turning 17 next week. With my older daughter, it seems that she is always picking up strays of the human variety. For some reason, she has always been drawn to those in society, who have no society of their own and draw from hers. Unfortunately, as you are experiencing, there comes a point that the sadness of the human, your child has befriended, becomes a weight instead of good natured friendship. I agree with you in that her/his situation needs clarification. Often the person befriending another feels an obligation to continue to undergerd their friend, instead of allowing them to feel the pain of separation. Something that the young man obviously doesn't want. Pain isn't always a bad thing, it often brings clarity and freedom. That is one scenario, we've had the whole gamet of complete denial to what was certifiably stalking. A lot of prayer and standing in the gap for my daughter. My daughter is slowly learning to 'let people - figure it out for themselves' ... I could write a book about her experiences, and we all are still experiencing them. Stay resolute in whatever action you decide on - I wish you all the best and hope for all your sakes that a simple solution will work for your daughter and the other young man in question. ~ Keep us posted :-)
R. H

I would not be so concerned about kindness at this point. It just needs to be done. Sounds like this guy has the hide of a rhino and will not take polite hints. This is a good lesson for your daughter in setting boundaries with people and not to just tolerate people because they are persistent. She needs to be the one to say "I need my space and I am not comfortable with our friendship at this point and I need to be left alone to develop other interests and friendships and when I go to college I want a new start and to have new friends etc. I wish you the best but you need to develop your own life and not be so attached to mine. It is uncomfortable for me." As awkward as it will be it has to be done and she must be firm and not allow him to manipulate her by being sad or angry or any other response that he may have. I would also watch for signs of violence in his reaction and the authorities or school may need to be involved.

Perfect advice from others. I think I would tell him I was thinking of going to a few schools and not confirm any certain school. That being said, I think I would call his mom to let her know that he is making his choices based on your daughter not his own loves or passions. I think they would want to know. I do think your husband being involved is VERY important, but first she should have a talk with him to see if it calms down.

I wish I could help. I am clueless at these things and I am afraid that my daughter is where yours was almost 2 years ago. Our situation is just beginning but I see it and felt like I was reading the future when I read your request.

Please let me know how you fix it.
God Bless

Unfortunately there is no way it will go as smooth as she will want it to; but it's better to be honest and upfront before he continues on his path to college along with her. My daughter; who is also a senior this year had the similar situation; except the boy was actually her boyfriend for over a year. Her breakup with him wasn't easy; he was a nice person but also wanted to be her only interest alllll the time. He got very pesty afterwards, since she tried to be mature and wanted to remain friends with him. That didn't work out. He would continually misconstrue every nice/mature/respectful gesture from her and then would be very childish & silly by statements he would make towards her to also kinda stalking (following her around, calling her friends, etc...) till she finally had to be MEAN and just let him know it was over and she didn't even want to try to be his friend. Unfortunately; sometimes some males are verrry immature and can't handle rejection very well. But as I said in the beginning, it's better to be honest from the start then to make yourself miserable by trying to be the better person; and just let them know how things really are. Sometimes they are so self consumed that they don't realize what they are doing to the other peson; and when it's brought to their attention they become offensive and hurtful. Hopefully in the end; he will realize and take the advice to heart and change for his own good. Just remind her; to always be true to herself! I have always told my children this. I am proud to say I am a happily married working mother of a male college junior and female high school senior. And must say, my son is a very thoughtful young man. Hope this helps, & God Bless!

The time is NOW that she needs to tell this boy to back off. I hate to say it but she's only enabling him by keeping him around and being nice. She can try the polite, friendly approach and let him know that she's only his friend and will never be more. I would also try being honest with him. Let him know that the things he's doing is creeping her out. He might not even know it. He might just think that he's being a good friend by wanting to stick by her side.

I read this reply to my husband for a man's point of view on how boys think and he said that in the friendly approach she needs to drive home the "we will never be more than friends" and the "creeping me out part" Repeat it several times while talking to him. He also added that offering to help him try to find someone to go on a date with might help the point get across. He said that hearing your daughter say "maybe you should go out with so and so" might drive home point home And for the record, for the most part I was repeating what my husband told me to tell you and he said it over and over... DRIVE THE POINT HOME. I'm assuming this is because men are hard headed but that's another topic all together. :-)

BUT! And this is a big one, if he doesn't get the picture and change how he's looking at things then you need to be very cautious for your daughter. She's going to need to get a little tough on him. It's not a very nice thing to do but a good old fashioned "snubbing" might work. Teenagers and kids are notorious for being mean. If being nice doesn't work she can try to publicly ignore him. If he comes up to her when there are other people around she can say something like "did you hear something? Sounds kinda like an annoying buzzing but I don't really hear it now" He's got to get the point somehow. If getting mad at her for being mean is the way it works then so be it. If she has to go this way please tell her to let you know first. You need to be aware that she's going to be ticking off someone who might just be a little unstable or at least will be till he gets over it. Tell her to walk with friends and never get caught alone at school. Safety in numbers. Also, this is the time to talk to the boy's parents and the school, especially if the "mean" approach doesn't work and he keeps bothering her.

Good luck and be safe.
Jen
http://www.mommysjoy.com

Oh, boy--I actually had to do this a few times between junior high and 30! I have found that if I ask people why they want to do something, they can see for themselves how ridiculous it might be. Example: He tells her that he's gonna pick her same major. She says something like, "Really? I didn't realize that you shared those interests. Do you think that you would enjoy that? Why? Do you think that you'd be good at it? I've noticed that you enjoy _____; have you thought about what you want to do with that?" That's a lot to say, but I hope that I've made my point. She shouldn't seek him out to say this but say it when he brings it up.

I believe that people like your daughter draw people to them for a reason. She's still young and doesn't want this responsibility, but it's not a bad idea to teach her now how to deal with it in a healthy way. She accomplishes 3 things--

1. She becomes more aware of the people in her circle/space, thus herself.
2. She learns to set and maintain healthy boundaries--can't emphasize that enough.
3. She learns how to be a responsible friend in that "brother's keeper" kind of way, by turning their attention from her to themselves, encouraging them to figure out what they need. That doesn't have to be her goal, but it's a by-product of having these honest conversations.

I have developed a reputation for being matter of fact. Not everybody is in love with that approach, but they all know where they stand. Nobody gets the impression that I'm conflicted with what I've set my sights on, and there's no room for any mixed signals. This is not to minimize what true victims have experienced; I do believe, however, that people are somewhat responsible for whom they attract and fully responsible for how they respond to those connections. I make my relationships work for me. I don't spend time with people I don't want to; I don't spend longer with them than I want. Example: If he comes over while she's fixing a snack, they can sit and talk while she fixes it and eats it. When it's over, "Okay, I've got to get to this now. It was nice talking to you."

Acting with purpose is something that I harp on. When you do that, there's not a lot of time for the extra stuff, and people notice that. If he sees that she's got a goal that she's pressing toward, it won't feel like she's just giving him the cold shoulder. It could even encourage him to create some very real goals of his own. Keep in mind (and let her know) that at this age, certain things are very awkward, and we often do things that we wish we could take back. She has the power to save him some embarrassment and even get him to thinking about what he wants for his life without giving him much attention at all. Would that really take too much out of her?

I think you've gotten great advice so far! I just wanted to add that it sounds like this boy has a major crush on your daughter! Sometimes being kind and helpful to a boy might be interpreted by him as love. Maybe he doesn't "get" that they are just friends. Your daughter might want to add when she talks to him that he has been a nice FRIEND, but nothing more

Since its the middle of her senior year, I say tell him politely that High school is ending soon and that your daughter wants to meet new people and do some new things before school ends (clubs, dance, sports) Have your daughter blame it on the parents idea so she has to do it as obedience to take the pressure off of it being her idea to this guy. As creepy as this is, I think an adjustment to schedule/routine so she doesn't run into this kid all the time for the last semester is a good idea. And yes, finding some girls to hang out with pronto for lunch and changing how many times she goes to her locker so he won't be waiting for her there, Take 3 classes of books with you for ex. its a burden to carry the books but you've got to send the message of distance with this guy.
Hope this helps. A senior year is a time of celebration I hope she gets to enjoy the rest of her year.

WOW! That is a little creepy! Beware he could have created an obsession towards the only person who accepted him and in this created a false hope for a future together. I would ultimately speak to the parents of the child. It might have gotten too big for your daughter to handle alone. I had a friend in highschool who tried to break up with her boyfriend and he ended up shooting her and himself. I don't want to scare you at all. But I have personally seen someone go through something similiar and have witnessed a horific outcome. Becareful and sensitive but firm, go to the parents of the boy and get their input on the situation and how best to handle it. I'm sure that they will appreciate that you are worried about his feelings and that you want what is best for him too. God Bless You and your family!

Hi D.,

This is something your daughter perceives as a problem, yes? That would make a big difference -- if you were wanting to get rid of this friend, or if she is! But assuming this is her concern and she asked for your advice (in which case you must have a terrific relationship -- congratulations!), here are a few things I've learned about ending problem relationships:

1. everything we say should pass three tests before we say it -- is it true? is it necessary? is it kind?

on the basis of this, friendships should be ended, when they need to be, with honesty -- that is, it is both ineffective and dangerous to say "I would love to go to LSU with you, but my mother wants me to go to this women's college on the east coast" if one wasn't really going to the women's only college, or even if one were going, but not because one was being pushed into it. In other words, she should be honest about what she wants and why.

concerning the necessity test, I would urge anyone ending a relationship that is causing more pain and stress than pleasure and support to keep their words few and simple, and to resist the temptation to make vague promises about the future unless you mean them. Another version of this is, don't give lots of reasons. That will only hurt the person and confuse them. "I want college to be a fresh start for me -- it's the one chance I'll have to try out new ways of socializing and ways of connecting with people; so you can go where you want, but I need you to be prepared for this," would be perfect, if it is true. So would "I have been feeling over-extended and overwhelmed when you call me ten times a week and seldom wait for me to call you back before you call again. I don't know what our relationship could look like in the future, but for now I need space. If you call, I won't be answering the phone or calling you back. I am very sorry, but I am feeling very crowded and uncomfortable at this point."

The kindness test is of course the hardest one and the one that often makes people mess up the other two, either NOT saying things that ARE necessary, or lying about why they are doing what they are doing. But there is no true thing that cannot be said kindly. If this kid is really in trouble and she has been having trouble letting go because she is afraid for him (or of him, or both), she may want to seek help from a high school social worker or counselor before she talks with him. It may help her to know that if she terminates the friendship and he crashes, that adults who care about kids in trouble have known ahead of time that he was likely to have a hard time with her choice to define herself more independently.

I hope this helps -- I have often collected folks who needed "saving," so I have acquired some experience over the years with how to let them go if they are starting to drag me under with them.

All the best -- I bet your daughter is a lovely person, and it is great that she not only wants to help folks who are struggling, but also wants to free herself if they are starting to "take her hostage."

M.

I had this happen to me after high school. I was pregnant with my second child, and he came around as a single parent. We became friends, and started taking our sons to the park and things of that nature. Some how, he found out where I lived. One night he has a friend drop him off at my house, and when I told him I was sleeping and he would have to leave, he told me that the didn't have a car. So I drove him home at 10m. He then started having people drop him and his son off at my house after 11pm. He would knock on my door or bedroom window until I got out of bed to let him in the house. He always had a sob story to tell and I got tired of him. I had to move into my mother's house 25 miles away. A few weeks after I moved, he started calling my job, the college campus I was attending, and finally showed up there. I ended up getting fired, and the computer lab asked me not to come back to finish up homework if I was going to continue to get phone calls there. I'm still not sure how he found me there, since I never told him I was in school full time. Tell your daughter to get away from him!! COMPLETELY!!