How to Help College Daughter Deal with Tough Break Up

You sound like an awesome mom, the fact that she asked for you to come speaks volumes! I'll have to memory bank all of this advice for when my daughter gets a broken heart, it's bound to happen. :-( Have a safe trip and enjoy being able to love on her!

Listen to her. Gently suggest things she can do with her friends - go to a movie, go bowling, have a girls night out or in. Help her refocus her social life.

She might need a reminder that she is a whole person, with our without the boyfriend. If she's "planned her whole life," she might be wondering what her life will be without this person, even without a boyfriend. She might need gentle reminders that she is a whole person with goals and dreams.

She has an amazing opportunity to grow as a single person. Looking back, she will realize what a gift that is. Right now, it doesn't feel like a gift at all (and that's normal and very much ok). But it would be great for her to explore her life as a single person. There's so much she can learn about herself that way.

The other ladies gave great advice. I don't know that I'd send cookies, but maybe a gift card or two to an appropriate place. Movie theater? Coffee shop? Something she can do with friends or alone...
Yes, she will need time to mourn "what might have been." Let her have the time. Don't rush her through it. She may very well start partying hard with friends for a while. Or she may withdraw and stay home/in her room at school and not go out. Or she might throw herself into things she wants to pursue on her own, or things she didn't "have time for" before... regular gym classes, taking up a hobby like running or biking. If she already has a hobby like that, maybe send her something related to it, to help solidify her identity as a person in her own right.

In time, she will see that it's better that this happened now, rather than later. But it might be quite a long time before she has the ability to see from that perspective. Hot tea and a mug, and a good book are nice ways to be alone. Don't constantly ask if she's ok, but do ask about her. How are classes going? Read any good books or discovered new authors? Seen any new movies? Discovered a new beverage (alcoholic or coffee related)?

Let her know she can come home to visit or you can come out if she'd like that. To have a weekend to shop and eat or whatever. But don't be hurt if she declines.
She's growing up. Heartbreak can be part of the process.
I wouldn't offer much in the way of advice unless she specifically asks. Listen if she wants to talk, but don't pressure her to do so.

You may even be mourning a little yourself, since you liked the young man. Be cautious of how your own "loss" might affect your comments. And say nothing you wouldn't want your future son in law to find out later... you never know. People get back together sometimes. (I'm not suggesting you hold out hope... just be cautious about letting yourself say things that might cross your mind, without fully weighing them).

Just listen.
She has to mourn the 'happily ever after' she had in mind.
Most people have several break ups before finding the right one.
It's only afterward (sometimes WAY afterward) they can see things turned out probably for the best.
Much like a funeral there is nothing you can say that's going to make her feel any better and any attempt beyond "I'm so sorry for your loss" usually comes off as more insulting or insensitive and only makes them feel worse.
Now is the time for her to reach out to her girlfriends and to explore new directions in socializing.

Before you roll the closing credits, remember that they might get back together. The greatness of Young Miss SuzyTW is probably not lost on this boy, but right now he is pushing it away. So don't start thinking of lots of bad things to say about him.

Good books, good cocoa, good music - promote that for your daughter now.

And give it time.

Aside from facing the general folly of young people planning out their entire lives at such a young age, there's nothing you can do about it now. The horrible truth is, adults just have to go through pain and loss and grief and disappointment.

I'd encourage her to develop a strong and objective support system right there on her college campus. That means calling the health center and requesting some appointments with a counselor. That person will be uniquely qualified to help her focus on her studies, her goals, her life direction and her daily environment. That includes passing this young man on campus and dealing with the "divvying up" of mutual friends, which is an additional stressor. The important thing is, this counselor will not be in the "we liked him" category or a part of the family.

Don't focus on "meeting someone else" right now! Women do not need to be told that they need another person, especially when they are feeling abandoned. What will get her through this is a sense of her own strength, a belief in her backbone, and an unshakable determination to stand on her own two feet.

As her mother, you can strengthen her with examples of prior resilience, and maybe some pampering options. Do not jump in the car and go there - that tells her she cannot function. Encourage her, as an adult, to develop her own army of support within the college environment, that will last her when you go back home.

No one can tell you - or her - how long she will feel this way. She will probably have to go through the 5 stages of grief, including anger and denial and acceptance. There is no timetable. She needs a counselor there to help her prioritize her tasks, decide how to manage her studies, and get out her anger and grief without (and this is important) worrying about you or the guy's parents and the hurt you are feeling.

You will always be a soft place for her to fall when she comes home, and of course you will be available if she needs to call and rant or melt down. But the best gift you can give her is a vote of confidence, and some strong encouragement to get the professional help she needs. If she had a horrible strep throat, you'd tell her to see a professional (a doctor at health services). If she were struggling with her studies, you'd encourage her to go to a professional (her advisor, her prof, her dean). If she were struggling with resumes and job applications, you'd send her to career services. So, by extension, if she's upset and devastated, she has got to learn to do the adult thing, which is to reach out to the services she has available. It's not a dismissal of your worth if she, as an adult, moves into the realm of using people other than her mother for support.

Wow. Same stuff happened to me. Devastating. What helped me tremendously was going on a long trip to Europe. Does she have a best friend that she can plan a trip with? If not, check out Wwoofers. She could volunteer with them anywhere in the world for minimal cost. Basically, she needs a change of scenery. You're a good Mama. Be on standby.

aw, that's so hard. i'm so sorry.
yes, just listen. there's really no advice to offer- it's a grief thing, and there's no way around it, only through. your sympathetic ear is the best possible thing.
not to the point of wallowing endlessly, of course. you don't want to help her get stuck in a depression bog. if she starts going over and over a point of pain, acknowledge it and offer a subject change. it's tempting to descend into a dance of misery with a beloved child, but you want to be her lifeline out of it.
i don't know that driving up there and baking cookies is such a bad idea! ask her if it would help!
khairete
S.

Actually, you might consider suggesting that you go up and spend time with her. It made a huge difference for me when I was stressed out beyond measure when I was in college. My mom and I baked meatloaf and baked potatoes. I'll never forget how much that made me feel better in the long run...

I went through the same thing as your daughter with my high school sweetheart who was 2 years ahead of me in school. He dumped me for the college girl scene and I was miserable back home my high school senior year. My mother gave me the following poem:

Forget his name, forget his face
Forget his kiss and his warm embrace
Forget the love that once came true
Remember now there's someone new,

Forget the love that you once shared
Forget the face that had once cared
Forget the time you spent together
Remember now he's gone forever,

Forget you cried the whole night through
Forget him when they play your song
Forget how close you two once were
Remember now he's chosen her,

Forget you memorized his walk
Forget the way he used to talk
Forget the times he was mad
Remember he's happy instead of sad,

Forget his teasing, gentle ways
Forget you saw him everyday
Forget he made your dreams come true
Remember now she loves him too,

Forget the thrill when he walked by
Forget him when he made you cry
Forget the way he spoke your name
Remember now he's not the same,

Forget the way he said he loved you
Forget the way he kissed and hugged you
Forget all those nights when he held you tight
Remember now he holds her tonight,

Forget all those sunny days
Forget all those poems he made
Forget those times through good and bad
Remember he said he'd never make you sad,

Forget the games he played with you
Forget the times he stayed with you
Forget those cold, cold nights
Remember now he keeps her warm tonight,

Forget the way he looked at you
Forget you kissed the whole night through
Forget all you dreams came true
REMEMBER, that he doesn't love you.

Oh yeah, the poem made me cry, a lot, but I put together a poster with a lot of memories about him. Lunch receipts, bowling scores, pictures of me with flowers he had given me, funny cartoons that made me think of him, etc. In the middle of that poster was this poem. I still have the poster.

And for the surprise? He and I ended up getting married when I finished college (which is why I still have the poster.)

Of course, I would never have thought that we would be back together after he dumped me, much less married. I do believe that getting out there and dating other guys made all the difference in the world for me. He found out that I was dating and started coming back around right before I went off to college. That's what your daughter should do, too, regardless of whether it makes a difference in how he feels about her.

Even if her dates aren't interesting, she's out of her shell seeing "something else".

(Btw, I'm not recommending the poem right now... you know your daughter. It did actually help me, though...)

Most of all the strong well-rounded women I have known seem to go through a true heart break at least once in their life. Remind her that these difficult times make you stronger and help you decide what characteristics you do and do not want in a relationship. Remind her some great memories will always stay with her- and time heals the pain! I remember someone telling me to re arrange the furniture in my room,whole apartment and mind- put him to the back- make room for new up front. Search for a new outlook perspective. Do something new. Pray every night for the right people to come in her path, have her pray as well!- and keeping a journal is SUPER helpfull. Once she starts writing about things, she'll probably see more of where their relationship had warning signs- maybe even from the beginning. Closed doors open so many new ones!
And, coming from a 25 yo child who DID want her mom to surprise her in Atlanta when I was away for college and had a tough break up-.I actually suggest finding a way to stay with her at least one night- go to a comedy club? mani-pedi? nice restaurant? ice cream- maybe even insist on it. Beach trip!? I feel sadness often needs company, but not necessarily a phone call or deep conversation.. just someone there who shows they care. Sorry to ramble and I know I do not know your daughter at all, so just throwing it out there- :~)

At that age, I broke up with my boyfriend who I had dated from high school. He took it really hard and I felt really bad for hurting him but I knew I didn't want to get married and II felt like I was doing him a favor by letting him move on. It sounds like this guy wasn't very tactful, but the bottom line is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. When I broke up with my boyfriend, he kept calling and saying he wanted to get back together, he even called my mother. All of this started to really get upsetting to me - he just couldn't accept it.
My best advice is to have her cut ties with him completely if she can (are they in classes together?) There's no way to take away the sadness she will feel, but she will get over it. Many girls spend years with a guy hoping to get married and then it never happens. He may be doing her a favor by letting her move on. I would also discourage her from "trying to get back together". It sounds like he's shown his true colors and his true feelings.
My suggestion is to have her stay busy with friends. Plan things to do on the weekends with the girls. Don't let her sit around and wonder what he's doing.
Time will heal this. When does she graduate? Life will happen and she will move on.

ETA: Glad to hear you're driving up. :)

Orig: If you can drive up there and she wants you to, why not?

Other than that, listening and sympathy is about all you can do. "I'm sorry my love, I know how much that hurts. We've all been there. I know it's hard to believe right now, but one day you won't care at all." I always tell young people who are going through this that anyone who has never had the painful experience of being dumped by someone isn't a wholly developed person, and I believe that. Maybe you can tell her a story about a time you were dumped, and how you handled it.

But other than that, all you can do is listen.

Ugh!! Poor kid. Offer to go or to get her home for a weekend. And then I found real life examples of people who ended up better off helpful when I was in that situation. At that age you lose sight of how long life is. She's so young but she doesn't see that. I think hearing that you yourself went through this and it worked out for the best or some people you know gives concrete reasons for hope. She probably feels like she'll never meet anyone as great again or she'll be an old maid. Show her people who thought the same but that's not what happened. And it likely will take until she meets someone else...

Does she have close friends? Does she have a support system? Is she in the dorms? Alone in an apartment?

I would probably want to run over and spend some time with her too. I don't know that I wouldn't if it was a doable thing. If she's across the continent obviously that can't be driven in a weekend. If she's a couple of hours away and she wants you to come why not go.

I am sorry she's going through this. It's very hard. I hope she is able to move forward and have a good semester.