How to Help - Friend Had Miscarriage

Hi S.,
All you need to do is tell her that you are sorry and that if she needs anything, or wants to talk, you are there. That is really all you can do.

Things not to say!!!!-that you understand (you can't) or that "everything happens for a reason" or that "the baby probably would have been sick" or that the next time she will have better luck-you can't know that. All things that I heard after my miscarriage, and those hurt-they don't help!

I think it is wonderful that you are asking advice on this-I wish some of the people I know had done the same.

I do hope that she has better news in the future.
M.

I have had two miscarriages and agree with response one. The big thing for me was.. everyone told me after number 1, that it WOULD NOT happen again, doctors included. I made it to 11 weeks and 6 days, and miscarried again.. It is very very very hard, but the truth is, all you can do is offer your help, once, and let it be. If she is putting on her brave face, that is just her way of coping. She will come to you when she feels she is ready. You are truly a good friend :-)

Hi S.,
This is a difficult time for your friend. It may be hard for her to be around you, or it may be harder for her to be around someone who was pregnant at the same time and was due around the same time. This won't go away for her. I would send her a nice card that lets her know you are thinking of her. This way she can read it in private. She may not express or talk about her feelings with you. She won't forget about it, and during her next pregnancy she will probably be more anxious. I think it is better to acknowledge their loss--- to both of them, than to pretend that nothing happened. When you talk to her on the phone, you can say, how are you doing.....She will probably have good days and bad days. Even if she seems ok now, if it takes a while to get pregnant again, that will not be so good. Usually anniversaries are hard----like when the baby was due and the anniversary of the miscarriage. It is still a good idea to stay in touch with a friend after something like this. Just keep being her friend.....she won't forget your kindness.....hope this helps.....

I totally agree with the other posts 100%. I had 2 miscarriages and both really took a toll on me...the things that people would say to try to make me feel better were sooo hurtful and totally insensitive (even though I knew they were trying to help, it really made things worse). I heard: "God must have a plan for you" and "God is trying to tell you something" and my personal favorite "You should be thankful for the child you have"....oy! I also heard the basics of: "What do you think you did to have that happen?" and "maybe if you weren't working..." or "Do you think the haircolor you used has something to do with it?" ARGH!!! People want to make sense of such a sad situation, since bad things shouldn't happen to good people...but they do, miscarriages are very common, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with knowing that.

Just be there for your friend and husband (I had some friends that disappeared since they didn't know what to say or do, so they just stayed away...that really hurt). Give them lots of hugs and no advice...they don't need that at all, and they certainly don't need to know what or how they should be doing or feeling. Be there to chat, bring a movie and dinner over to them, keep things as normal as possible, Live Laugh and Love. If you feel you MUST say something, just let them know that you're sorry and how much they are loved. The one person that did that for me meant the most to me than anything else. My friend came up to me, hugged me and said, "I sorry..." that's all. I really appreciated that she wasn't trying to fix my mood, tell me how to feel, or try to figure out what happened. Just asking this group what you should do says that you care a lot for your friend and that you want to do the right thing, and that's what makes you a wonderful friend.

Hi - before I had my children, I experienced several miscarriages. In sharing with women who have had that experience, some actually are more ok with it than others (I fell into the really-not-ok population). But the best thing anyone ever said to me was simply, "I am so sorry for your loss." People would say things such as, "You're young, you can try again." Like my lost babies were an "attempt" at babies and not actual babies - to me they were real babies (still are). Or "Don't worry; it will happen." Like they had a crystal ball. It also hurt when people did not ackowledge it at all. A hug, some love and genuine sympathy worked best for me. All the best to and with you friend.

After trying for 5 years to have a baby and having to deal with every other friend having not one, but two babies (sometimes three!) in the time we were trying to have even one, let me tell you that I appreciate your sensitivity to your friend's situation. I was so happy for all my friends with their preganancies for the first two years, but after they started getting pregnant for the second time, they started feeling weird about telling me. Some even pulled away. It hurt me to think that our relationships couldn't withstand our hardship in getting pregnant. Of course I put on a "brave face". Sometimes I cried all the way home, but while I was with my friends, I was happy for them and loved playing with their children.

Let her deal with it in her way. I wouldn't pull away from her. She'll initiate a withdrawl if she can't handle it. Just love her. It sounds like you do.

Good luck. H.

I had a miscarriage at about 13 weeks I found out about it. It really helped me to talk with my cousin who had experienced miscarriages before. But I did have a group of girlfriends whom were single and had not experienced this before. They were full of love and support and nurtured me by checking in and one night they came over and rented a chic flick and took care of me. It actually made me feel better to talk about it with them eventhoguht they did not fully understand what I was going through they were still my best girl friends. They asked me if I wanted to talk abuot it and just hugged me when I was too upset to form words. As the weeks pass and the sting of it all starts to heal just be a good friend and help your friend and her husband.

I agree that the due date is a hard day to face so make sure she is not alone on that day either. The husbands also really do get left out of this so make sure to check in with him as well...many men do not know how to grieve this loss and may want a shoulder to cry on as well.

If your friend wants to begin to trying to get pregnant again or wants to take a break from it all make sure that you are supportive with anything that she needs. PLaying the waiting game until you can try to conceivve agin after a miscarriage can really seem like a long time when it is only a few months. Encourage your friend to do some things "just for her" especially things that she may enjoy that she will have to give up when pregnant. This is helpful because we women try to do everything right when we are pregnant by avoinding certain foods and things and when we lose the baby you cannot help to blame yourself eventhough you know you did everything to support a healhty pregnancy. So if there is anything she likes to do but had to aviod while pregnant make a special dayof it and let her do those things. But do not push this too soon take your cues from your friend. I think the worst thing to do is stay away if you are a really good friend of the couple. Just letting her know that you don't know what to say to her because there are not any words to take away the pain but that you are here for her.

My advise is to not say anything, be available if she wants to talk but don't initiate the conversation. I miscarried my 2nd pregnancy at 15 weeks, my baby never progressed beyond 9 weeks. I was devastated and didn't want to talk about it to anyone but my husband. It's hard because most people want to put their feelings about what happened on you. Most people kept telling me it's okay to cry, it's okay to be mad, it's okay to...... Trust me if I wanted to do any of those things or have those feelings I would have. Maybe your friend is really okay with what happened, maybe not but if she wants to talk about it she will. The best thing you can do for her is be the same way you have been before she even got pregnant and hopefully she will go on to have a baby in the future. Good Luck!!

When I had a miscarriage I really appreciated the people who mentioned it, rather than talking about absolutely everything else. I emailed a friend to tell her and 2 minutes later she called to say she was sorry for my loss. "I'm sorry, let me know if you want to talk about it," is really the best thing to say.

There is nothing else to say as others have mentioned. She knows it's a frequent thing, she can conceive again, etc. She does NOT want you to tell her that, or "it was meant to be" or whatever other condescending thing you can say, even though it is meant to help. It does not. Just be there if she needs to talk, but do mention it in the first place because so many people just avoid it and that is not helpful for a lot of people (you know your friend best, if she is not a sharer that may be her).

first of all - its great that you're even asking. After my own miscarriage, a lot of folks were just thoughtless - or not as thoughtful as you are. For myself, I didn't like to talk, but preferred email/note just to let me know you care/were thinking about me. I'm now mother to a newborn but I still haven't gotten over the woman who sent me mother's day pictures of her babies. So just letting your friend know you care, and understanding that she may not be up to seeing your little ones right now.

It may or may not be hard for her to be around you - she's pretty much surrounded by women who have had successful and smooth pregnancies. She has other friends, she goes out to the store, she goes to the gym or to church or whatever - and everywhere there are pregnant women and women with kids.

She may also be aware that lots of women have had miscarriages and she didn't know it at the time - it's something a lot of women keep quiet about. So you don't have to take on the blame of making her feel badly. She already feels badly.

I think if you say you are so sorry to have heard about her miscarriage and ask her how she is doing, that will go a long way. She may be fine, she may not be and want to tell you about it, she may just be handling her sadness privately. It may hit her again when she approaches what would have been her due date. There's just no way to tell. Since it was a very early miscarriage, she probably has few, if any, physical problems so she probably doesn't need any help with anything like meals and so on - that's helpful when someone is further along and has a more difficult physical recovery.

If you're uncomfortable saying anything, you could send a nice "thinking of you" card or something small like chocolates that she might like.

I would be careful NOT to say things like "Don't worry, it wasn't meant to be" or "There was probably something wrong with it" or "It's God's way." Regardless of what one of us may believe, it may not be what the next one believes. This can wind up hurting her feelings more than helping, so I would steer away from any of those platitudes.

I think if you keep it simple and take the lead from her, it will be much appreciated.

Hi S.:
I encourage you to check in with your friend frequently, by leaving phone messages or emails, even dropping a thinking of you card in the mail. Try to continue to check in, as others may stop once the initial shock is over. She may have days, or periods of time that are easier and others that are harder. Consistency over time will allow her to let it all hang out with you when she needs it. It will also allow her to just be herself, whoever and whatever that is on any given day. I have a dear friend who lost her baby at 38 weeks, in April, and I still call and leave messages just to let her know I am thinking of her, and she has thanked me repeatedly for not forgetting.
You are a dear friend and she is fortunate to have your empathy and compassion to count on in the coming months and years.

Hi S.,

You're a good friend, I know it's hard to see someone you love hurting. When I had my first miscarriage 14 years ago, there was no Internet and not much info published on the subject either. I was amazed though, once I mentioned having a miscarriage, how many others had too. My OB/GYN has gone on to publish a leading book on miscarriages. If your friend likes to arm herself with information, you could get her MISCARRIAGE: Why It Happens and How Best to Reduce Your Risks by Dr. Henry Lerner, M.D., OB/GYN (you can Google it to check it out). I would have loved to have had that resource, especially with the first pregnancy which holds all of your hopes and dreams.

I was off my feet for a week or two after the miscarriage, just tapped out emotionally and physically as my body completed the spontaneous abortion and my hormones shifted around. I would have appreciated a dear friend bringing over dinner -- I never turn away an offering of a meal!

As my doctor told me when I unexpectedly fell apart in his office, emotions aren't logical. I thought I went in there with full composure and before I knew it I was sobbing. So, be there for your friend just to listen if she wants to talk, but don't expect anything, just let her know you're there. Good luck!

I went off birth controle at the same time as my best friend. She got preganant with in 2 months- it took us over a year and then I miscarried. It is frustrating when you want a baby so bad and it seems so easy for other people. My friend did not handle the situation very well. On the day of my D & C she came over with her three month old baby and said holding him would make me feel better. It SO did not, but I knew on some leval she was trying to help. She now has 3 kids and I have been very blessed with my little one, we are trying for #2 now for more than 6 months. My advice on what to say to your friend is kind of what you said in your request. Tell her how sorry you are that she lost the baby, at least now she knows she can get pregnant, some women can never concieve and ask her if it is hard to be around your kids and what you can do. I think communication is best and let her know any feelings she might have are justified and tell her how you think you might be feeling in if you were her. Frustrated, depressed- whatever. She probably feels guilty about being jealous of your family, I know I was very jealous of my friend having 2 kids before I managed to have 1. But she will heal...and hopefully soon be blessed with a healthy pregnancy.
Good luck.

Hi S.,

I had a similar experience when I was twenty. I went in for a routine prenatal checkup only to find out that the fetus had died nearly three weeks before and my body didn't abort. It really messed me up in the head; I fell into depression and became isolated (even while surrounded by my family). I didn't bother to put on a brave face like your friend, I just drank a lot. Eventually I had my doctor put me on an antidepressant and sought counseling...the antidepressant didn't do much, but the counseling helped a lot.

One thing I hated hearing after I lost the baby was that I was "lucky" it happened so early on in the pregnancy, because it would have been so much worse to have a stillborn baby or have the baby die after birth. I hated hearing that every time, and it seemed to be the thing to say. I heard it from everyone! It was as if they were saying, "Hey, no need to mourn for the death of your unborn baby; after all, it wasn't really a baby yet." I felt that was a really insensitive attitude to have. In my mind, I lost a BABY--just because my baby wasn't full-term didn't mean I felt any less hopeless and devastated over its loss. I was a wreck, and I couldn't understand why others just didn't get that.

Tell your friend to hang in there, it does eventually get better with time, like the loss of all our loved ones does. Try to be there for her as much as possible when she needs you, and let her mourn however she wants. If she is anything like me, she will need to take the time to mourn and grieve the loss of her baby.

Good luck,

M.

Hi S., for me, I was hurt when people didn't check in enough. I didn't need to talk about it except iwth a few, but it meant the world when initially, and then follow up, people just sent an email saying they were thinking about me and wondering how i was doing and that they were sending me the best wishes - people either go quiet, or drop off after initial concern, and then you end up feeling alone- so feel them out, ask if you can help or offer to be there whenever needed, but mostly just ask them how they are!

S.- Please don't "stay out of her way". I'm sure she's in a lot of emotional pain, and would really love to have the support and company of a friend-despite your ease with your pregnancies. She may even want to talk about that, feeling it's "unfair". I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and it was a terribly painful thing to go through, emotionally. One the the things that was the hardest, was people trying to avoid the subject with me, trying to distract me from talking about it. I think it was mostly their own discomfort that lead them to do this. But a gentle "How are you doing?", or "how have things been for you lately?" may be enough to let her know you're willing to talk to her, if she'd like.
On the other hand, my sister-in-law had many miscarriages before successfully giving birth to her son. She refused to talk about it, answer the phone, or even tell people (even her own sister) when she was pregnant again. I guess for fear of then having to tell them that she'd miscarried again. So, people are different in their reactions to this. But I think if you just let her know that you're available to her to talk, she can then decide if she wants to or not.
I found it really hard to deal with the miscarriage when my due date arrived (which was actually Thanksgiving of that year). I dealt with it by having a floral arrangement for us in memory of our child, and I do so each year at Thanksgiving in remembrance. So, your friend may be looking for a way to heal when that time comes, too.
It's really nice that you care enough about her to ask.

I had 3 miscarriages while trying to get pregnant. Took us 5 years to have my son. I think everyone grieves a miscarriage in their own way (and their own amount). It helped me to have friends let me know they were there. I knew other people who miscarried and didn't want anyone to know. Such different responses, so I think you need to check in and let your friend take the lead in telling you what she feels and needs. For me, I didn't want to lose out on getting close to the children of my friends and family. I felt that having these children in my life was still a positive, and I didn't want to lose that experience as well as the experience of having my own child. This doesn't mean that I didn't cry about it sometimes, but I am glad that I got to see these children grow up while I struggled to have my own child. Everyone is different here, but I guess I am saying that I hope you don't just assume that she doesn't want to be aorund your children because of her loss.

I just lost a baby 3 weeks ago. I was 20 weeks along. Honestly for me I got tired of everyone asking me if I was okay and telling me how to grieve. I am still grieving the loss of my daughter. It was a very difficult and traumatic experience for me. I think what I found most helpful though were the friends who just said they were there for me whatever I needed. Not ones who were telling me how to grieve or maybe this was for the best or anything. Also, there is a website that has a shrine for unborn soles that a friend of mine sent me and I put my daughter's name there. They sent me a little certificate and everything. It's very sweet. If you are interested in it you can e-mail me privately and I'll find the web address for you. I truly think the best thing you can do is just offer support to your friend whenever she needs it. The grief will probably hit her at different times.

There's not a whole lot you can say, but please heed Monica's advice about what not to say. I heard those same things when I lost my baby and it hurts to hear them. The best thing you can do is hug her, tell her you're sorry and be there for her when she needs to talk. Another thought, when my sister-in-law miscarried she told me that her husband once said to her that it was great that everyone was so supportive of her, but he was hurt that no one ever asked him how he was because it was his baby, too and he was heartbroken. So be sure to show him some sympathy, too, even if he brushes it off and acts as if he's fine. Chances are he's not.

I have am almost 4 year old daughter. Before her, I had found out that I was pregnant and then after an ultrasound it was discovered that I had a blighted ovum (meaning the gestational sac was there, but no baby). I had all the symptoms of pregnancy but nothing came of it, except the desire to try again. The first time was unexpected anyway. But from my own experience, it actually iritated me when people talked to me about it, at least at first. During those first few months I just wanted to move on and not dwell on it. Although others were trying to be sympathetic, it bothered me to think or talk about it. Everyone is different though. I would only suggest to her once, I am here if you need to talk, and then leave it at that. If she appears ok, it may be her way of moving on, and dwelling on it may make it hurt more.....I also went out and got a puppy as my replacement baby :O)