Seeking Info. from Mothers Who Miscarried& Delivered Child During 2Nd Trimester

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. We also miscarried at 17 weeks, but we didn't have to endure the same trauma of delivering at home. We also didn't hold our baby, because when we discovered his death they felt his body would have started to decay. We chose to remember instead the perfect baby we saw on ultrasound.

We were fortunate to have been referred to a specialist, who in turn matched us up with genetic counseling. That was a huge blessing. The doctors in the specialty clinic and the genetic counselor deal with tragedy every day, so they were very sensitive. The genetic testing showed our little one had Down's Syndrome. The heart defect that goes along with Down's was so severe he couldn't even survive pregnancy.

For us, having those answers really helped us heal. We missed our baby, but we showered extra love on our three other children who were also grieving. I hope the medical community treats you just as well.

I've only miscarried early in 2nd trimester and didn't hold my child because he had died and dissolved in the 2 weeks between ultrasounds. But I understand your grief. It is heartbreaking. I have never responded to a post but yours really held my heart.

I am so sorry for your loss. Don't let anyone tell you that at least you have 3 others, that just doesn't help. It will just take some time, and you will never get over the love, you will love that child forever. I have no other suggestions other than to take it day by day, and know that all of your emotions are normal, and don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't cry. I still cry a year later. Too bad if people don't like to know it.

I wish you all the best, and that you make it through this day and all days.

Love goes out to you,
M.

To also help you with your grief contact www.compassionatefriends.org. There is a newsletter you can request online to be sent each month. Some say since you did't have the baby alive you should not grieve, but you know you lost a child and at any time they are our children. You can also check in the area you live there may be a chapter you can talk to someone with. Good luck,

I am really sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl at 16 weeks into the pregnancy. I had a lot of pain and bleeding and ended up delivering her in the ER. I did not hold her, but I did see her. I don't know why it happened but it was probably an infection (not the type that I would have acquired myself). It was by far the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me, and I have been through a lot in my life. Beyond the usual feelings of grief, I found it really painful to go about my everyday life with all the constant reminders: pregnant women everywhere, new babies in stroller, even the diaper aisle at the store. Even though people told us to wait to try again, I knew the only thing that would make it better would be to get pregnant again. Unfortunately it took almost a year to the day to get pregnant again--emotionally the hardest year of my life. I saw a counselor which did not help me get over the loss, but made me able to handle it well enough to not completely lose it. I now have the most wonderful 7 month old boy, but I still feel sad to think of the little girl I will never know. I don't think those feelings will ever go away. No one will ever understand what you've been through except for women who have experienced something similar. It's hard for people to understand what it's like to be pregnant for that long thinking that you're going to have a baby and making plans for the future. Just be good to yourself and if you feel like you're bottling things up inside, see a counselor who specializes in pregnancy loss.

So sorry for your loss. I miscarried 3 times in 1 year and am now 30 weeks pregnant. Plus I had an ectopic pregnancy before my son was born.
I've had a ton of test - hubby too and they couldn't tell me why I lost 3 in a row - so you may or may not get the "Why" answered. People will tell you that it just wasn't meant to be/God's will etc. etc. until you want to punch someone.
I strongly suggest you get some grief counselling - support group or solo whichever you feel comfortable with. I tried to just knuckle through it and ended up sick with grief 5 months after the physical stuff had healed.
The hormone changes are brutal and you may start to wonder if you are crazy.
Hug your family close and get some professional guidance.

thoughts & prayers w/ you!

M. W.,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a child is the hardest thing that we have gone through in our life. We lost our son at 7 months, and after 12 hours of labor, I delivered our son. We got to hold him and got pictures of him. We found out later that he had passed away approximately 12 hours previous, but we didn't really get any answers as to why he passed. Months later, we got genetic testing done on ourselves and that gave us some things that were 'wrong' with us, but we still aren't sure of what happened to our son. I either had a blood clot and passed it to him, or he had a chromosome imbalance from my husband.
The best thing that helped me was the love of my husband, and also some much needed therapy. It has been five years, and I went for a few months after we lost him. I was having trouble getting 'visions' of that day out of my head, and so therapy was able to help that. You never really get over the loss of a child...you learn how to live with it.
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your little son or daughter. I had 3 miscarriages in 3 years, at home, all 1st trimester though. I would say I didn't start to really feel "healed" from it until about 5 or 6 years passed between the last miscarriage. I still feel a little sad now and then, thinking about what might have been, but mostly I am at peace about it now, and it's been 10 years since my last loss. It is way too soon for anyone to expect you to be okay with what happened...your child died, whether he/she was born yet is irrelevant to the fact that you loved him/her. I hope that you will be gentle with yourself, and allow AT LEAST a year before trying again for another baby, for your physical and mental health. I would say to absolutely name the baby and have a service of some type (funeral, graveside, whatever you feel comfortable about doing). Many funeral homes/cemeteries give you the plot for free if the child died before age one. I volunteer with an organization called H.A.I.N. (Heavenly Angels in Need) which supplies burial garments, caskets and memory boxes for losses from early pregnancy through infancy, free of charge to anyone who needs them. I crochet little outfits for the tiniest ones (anywhere from less than a pound, up to about 3 pounds, the ones too small to fit into preemie clothes). If you would like an outfit made for your little one, email me, I can have one made within a day or two. God bless you and keep you while you heal from the loss of your baby.
Love, A.

I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss. I understand the pain and grief that comes with loosing a baby so far along in pregnancy, though my story is not the same as yours. However, I wanted to comment because I specialize in helping mothers grieve the loss of much wanted pregnancies when miscarriages or other medical issues arise. I've worked with a number of women who have miscarried and delivered either at home or in trying to get to the hospital. I just want to say it sounds like you are doing what you need to heal. Holding close to those that love you and support you, reaching out for help from others, and acknowledging what a huge loss this is in your life. I will echo what the other mothers have said about how helpful therapy can be and that healing takes time and a lot of patience from you. The world will soon start telling you that you need to get over it or you may start feeling like you are rushing yourself to get back to "normal" (but really you have to create a new "normal") Take all the time that you need, be very kind and gentle with yourself and continue to honor the deep love you have for your child.
My heart goes out to you,
E. H

I can't completely relate to your exact experience but I did just have a miscarriage at the end of July. We lost the baby at 8 weeks and found out at the 9 week appointment. I passed the baby at home all in one piece. Of course, it didn't really look like a baby but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry that you had to have that happen to you. I can only imagine how much harder your situation is and I pray you will find peace. I also found a lot of comfort with my 3 year old son but it is still a up and down process. God bless you.

P.S. I also found it very comforting to get something in honor of my baby. This website has lots of jewerly, etc to honor your loss. When ever I missed my baby I could grab my necklace and give it a kiss. Funny but it helped. http://myforeverchild.com/

I'm very sorry for your loss. I didn't ever carry as long as you, but I had 4 first trimester miscarriages. It was painful for a long time, I used to like driving because I could just cry in my car. I would say that time has helped me and also now being a busy mom to a toddler. I still feel sad sometimes. I would say take as long as you need to feel sad about it, don't feel like you need to be 'over it'. I would say that having my son does help, but his job isn't to help me 'fix' my infertility or miscarriages.

I hope that helps a little. For me, just knowing other people out there who had been through similar things and understood did help (even though it is horrible that other women had to experience miscarriage).

Oh, I'm so sorry. I read your post this morning and I have been thinking of you all day. I wish I could give you a hug. I haven't experienced anything like you have, so I guess I can't really give you any advice. I can only guess that with time it will be more manageable. You sound so brave and I am glad you have friends and neighbors who are supportive. It must be really hard for your husband as well. Hang in there. Enjoy your three children and keep loved ones close to you. I'm sending warm, supportive thoughts you way!

My 4th child died at 6months. I was very thankful I had 3 healthy kids as well. I also have great family and friends but what really helped was a special group I went to called H.A.N.D. (help after neonatal death) They are probably online these days but if you can actually attend I think that would be best. I went weekly at first and then tapered off over a year or so. It's been 17 yrs now and what I need to assure you is that time will heal, even though right now you only think holding your baby in your arms could make you feel better. I did take refuse next door holding my neighbors baby and drinking a coca-cola. I also did foster-care for infants and eventually adopted my son.(now 11). What feels right for you is something only you can know.