I have a 4 yo son who is described perfectly by the Mother Goose Nursery rhyme..."and when he was good, he was very, very good, and when he was bad, he was horrid." He is a very smart and articulate little boy, but has a very hard time accepting consequences for bad behavior, and on many instances will escalate the situation with "talk back", ugly faces, kicking, hitting, screaming "NO!", etc. An issue over not getting to do what he wants might turn into an hour long event complete with screaming, kicking walls & slamming doors. The other day, he had a 2 hr "fit" at daycare which left his provider very upset and concerned since she had never seen this extreme behavior in him. He will do this even though our discipline strategy (home & daycare) has been to ALWAYS follow through with consequences, send clear messages of right and wrong, give him tools to dampen his emotional response, and whatever else you can think of that follows the traditional lines of "good discipline" strategies. These issues showed up at the regular developmental age of early toddlerhood, but things seem to be getting worse over the last 3 years instead of better. He's always very sorry afterwards and it's really breaking my heart that I can't figure out how to help him deal. When I talked with his pediatrician about it, she talked about the disconnect between some children's emotional and logical centers of the brain at this age, and suggested play therapy to help him deal with his anger. This seems pretty right on, b/c he has NO ability to comprehend "if..then" consequences when he's in an emotional state, in other words, incentives and choices don't work. Our home is pretty stress-free, my husband work together as a team with both our boys, so I don't feel like it's a hidden home stressor. My husband had anger issues at a very young age as well, and had to go through anger mgmt classes, so this could be a family issue. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been though this with any of your children and if I should just "power through" with we're doing or seek out other tools? What kind of tools, classes, therapies are out there? Patience infusions?
Thanks for your thoughts and help.
My friends and I were talking about this just last night, The one is going thru it right now she was told by a thearpist to play games with the child that are chance games like a roll of the dice, candy land, games like that. Good luck
I would highly recommend seeking a childcare center that practices positive guidance rather than "good discipline."
Have you ever tired a star chart for behavior? I started one with my 4 year old son, and I am amazed at how much motivation he has to try and behave well just to get a star on his chart. At the end of the week he gets a toy he's been wanting if he's gotten a high amount of stars. And sometimes if he has a really good day he gets a treat. It might be worth a try.
Also, I've noticed that the more often I give my son one on one attention each day, the better he behaves because he loves spending time with Mommy. Of course the same goes for time with Daddy.
I like the suggestion someone said about having him draw a picture of his feelings, or maybe at least asking him to talk about his feelings instead of hitting, kicking, etc.
Lori Bright has a great set of books aimed at helping kids understand and gain better control over their emotions. The Angry Octopus (I know you can get it on Amazon.com) is great for this. My 4 year old explodes sometimes too, and we read this a few times and he started to use the strategies in the book and it helps. We have also worked to teach him when he cannot control how he is feeling to give himself some space - now when he is really, really upset he walks away. Its still frustrating that he wont talk about what is going on, but much better than screaming and yelling. After a few minutes I will check in with him and eventually he is able to talk with us.
If it is really bad, you can always consider seeing a child therapist just to give him some new tools for anger management - never a bad skill to have at any age.
Good luck!
I have delt with a lot of 4 year olds, and I've seen this problem, if you are doing everything at home you can, then I would personally recommend play therapy. We have done this with some kids we are working with and it really seemed to help a lot. You'd just have to see what is avaliabel in your area
We have a 3 1/2 yo with a horrible temper. Our oldest never did this like this. What we have found works very well for him is just wrapping him in our arms (before it escalates) and suggesting he draw a picture of how he feels. I keep blank paper and crayons everywhere in the house. It usually calms him right down. He sometimes explains the picture to us, sometimes doesn't, but can always deal with whatever it was that upset him so much, even if it was just he didn't want to obey. He sometimes likes to keep his pictures, but usually they just get thrown away, which is fine with him the next day. The funny thing is, the picture usually has very little to do with the matter at hand. An example is a rainbow because rainbows make him happy. Hope maybe this helps defray some problems. GL!
Hi J.,
Are you sure that it's an anger management issue? My thought is that it could be something else...have you had his vision/hearing checked? I have a good friend who is an OT and a lot of "anger" issues can be worked out if you can get to the root of what is going on for your little guy.
Good Luck,
A.
I can give you a referral if you're interested in OT.
I have an almost 4 yr old boy with some similar tendencies. He will escalate any situation. The only things I have found that work at all are the strategies in the book "Love & Logic" - but make sure it's the one specifically for ages Birth to 6 yrs. It's more than just giving choices - that alone doesn't do anything for my son in that state either. But the other strategies of very calmly "showing" him a consequence rather than explaining what the consequence will be, eliminating threats (which my son just sees as a challenge) and absolute consistency in strategy. When I'm in the frame of mind to do it, my son is a different kid. When I forget, it's back to the old behavior within a few weeks. I finally bought the book and am determined to reread it every 6 months to remind myself of everything. It's an easy, quick read & has helped me immensely - complete with everyday examples & sample dialogue. Good luck!
Dear J.:
This is a very common situation even where there was no past history in the family of anger. Children as you know are very hypersensitive to their surroundings and can pick up on the moods of other just by their tone or facial expressions.
They can also act out what they see on television, video games and the actions of their friend’s parents.
If the behavior does not resolve itself speaking to him with gentle kind words then there are natural ways of adjusting his behavior. As we all know fighting fire with fire never works, so threatening discipline is never the answer.
Good Luck:
S. L.
Hi J.! Let me first give you the disclaimer that I'm a parenting coach. But this means I get similar questions like yours all the time.
It's hard to give you a complete answer to you question without knowing all the details around the situation. What causes him to get angry? How are you responding? When it goes on for hours, what's happening during that time? However, this is definitely not something you just "power through" and I strongly believe that your son is more than old enough to start learning a better way for handling his anger.
I am happy to read that you are trying to stay consistent and that you and your husband work as a team. This is essential!
The most basic strategy I can give you right now is you need to withdraw all attention to his tantrums, just as you would a toddler doing the same thing. Do not engage it in any way. He can chose to use the strategies you've taught him to calm himself down, or he needs to leave the room (have a specific destination in mind, like his room). My guess is most of the time he will not chose either (since it is hard for anyone, adults or children, to make clear decisions when they are escalated) in which case you chose for him. That might mean physically carrying him to his room, close the door, and gently tell him he can come out when he's done. Then, let him scream and do his thing as long as he wants. But do NOT check in on him, talk to him, anything that re-engages his behavior. If he comes out screaming, gently walk him back in (or pick him up and gently put him back in his room). If he makes a mess or breaks anything, deal with that AFTER the tantrum, not during. Preschoolers are very ego-centric in their behavior and do things selfishly to get what they want. This is actually a necessary part of their design. And fortunately, it works in our interest as parents when we're trying to teach them something. In this case, we want to teach him that there is nothing to be gained from his tantrum. He doesn't get what he wants. He doesn't intimidate his parents. He doesn't get any attention. He gets removed from the "funner" things in his world, etc. The biggest thing for you and your husband to do is to keep your cool like this is no big deal to you and then disengage it. Eventually, your son should learn that using other strategies are more productive for him than throwing the tantrum. This is just to get you started. There are other aspects that you should do to make this a complete approach to the problem. But you should notice a difference starting with this.
As for classes, Xylem Family Resource www.xylemfamily.org offers great parenting classes including parenting preschoolers as well as anger regulation classes (which are taught more in the context of marriage and family). I also offer private and phone consults if you want to go deeper into how to solve your problem.
Mostly, I want to encourage you that your situation is not unique and it is not unsolvable. Do not let other mothers of boys tell you this is "boy behavior" that you have to endure. That's simply not true and not fair to your little boy who is capable of being so much more than a "typical boy! There is no reason why this behavior can't be corrected. You also want to address this so your other little one is not learning to copy the same behavior. More importantly, I don't want this to wear on you and either cause you to walk on egg shells around your son which will eventually influence how you parent him, or lead to resentment toward him because of the disruption and embarrassment he can cause your family.
Good luck to you! HTH!
Hi--
This might sound a little weird, but here goes. Have you had your son tested for food/environmental allergies? Often times behavior like this in an otherwise good child in a good environment is caused by an allergic reaction. It's why ADHD gets better with a change in diet. My husband and both my boys have allergies and I can always tell when their system's are out of wack because they get angry and unbalanced in much the same way you describe your son's reaction. They can't control their reaction because an allergic reaction puts stress on the liver which can then unbalance hormones and change behavior. I had a friend who's son was doing the same thing as yours and I suggested she get him tested. Turns out he was allergic to dairy and a few other things. They took the offending foods out of his diet and it completely changed his behavior. Be happy to talk to you further if you want to find out more information or what to do next. I use to work with emotionally and behaviorally disturbed kids for a living. If you are holding boundaries and consistent with him then I think checking into this could really help. Also, this type of reaction to an allergen is genetic, so it could explain your husband's struggles as well.
Good luck!
J.
J.,
I can sympathize and would love to hear responses as my son is 3 1/2 about to turn 4 and we are going through the same situation.
I know it does not help as I am not providing advice, just solace as it is not you.
D.
Sounds a lot like my son. He started having meltdowns before he was 1 and it continued through 1st grade, even at school. (He's in 3rd grade now and only occaissionally has minor meltdowns).
We had to take a step back and be VERY patient. Any attempts to enforce discipline while he was having a fit (i.e. stop this now or ...) made things worse. The best strategy was to walk away and completely IGNORE it (easier if we could put him in his room, but not always possible with him flailing about). As soon as he calmd down we would interact with him again. The hardest part was getting some of his teachers on board with this. Some were very good (he wasn't often screaming at school) and some just didn't get that he needed special handling, they couldn't treat him like every other kid. And, he generally had fewer issues and behaved better for the teachers who didn't make a big deal over it.
This doesn't mean that you don't enforce consequences. Make sure that they are as "natural" as possilbe (he makes a mess, he cleans it up; he throws toys, they get taken away) and don't have a big discussion on why. A simple statement like "we don't throw toys, so I have to take it." Hitting or physical always gets a time out, though. (If he throws a fit then, just leave him. By the time he's done, he'll have forgotten about why he's in time out so don't make him sit longer, but always do the time out when he does hit). After the fit, still follow through. He doesn't get the toy back, or he still has to clean up.
Have you "if...then" discussions when he's calm and happy. Don't always make them about consequences for misbehavior. It can be things like "if we roll the ball then it goes down the hall" or other simple things he already understands. Expand it as he starts to understand more. When you do talk about behavior, do it about someone other than him - his teddy or a made up person. Ask him what will happen "if _____, then what will happen?" He'll be learning the concept in a way that doesn't feel threatening to him.
It has taken a lot of patience for us to help our son. It may not be a quick or easy fix; it could be a stage that lasts several months, or like our son it could be several years. Continue talking with the doctor about it each time you go for checkups. Try to have specific examples. But don't listen to other peoples' "diagnosis" - I had people tell me it could be everything from aspergers/autism to a seizure disorder. It's none of that. Ignore comments from others, even well-meaning family members, on how you need to be more firm, more loving, more whatever ... Pay attention to your son and his needs and if people complain, so what. And don't forget to focus a lot on all the good things your son does, both to him and to other people. He's a bright little boy, and he just needs a little special care :)
Hi there J.,
Your little guy sounds alot like mine. I would recomend that you ask your pediatirician to refer you to an occupational therapist that has experience with sensory processing dysfunction. Although you only mention the explosive tantrums, it would be in your best interest and your sons to have a sensory profile completed on him. There are alot of other things that go along with SPD, and a great refrence is a book by Carol Stock-Kranowitz called "The out of sync child." Maybe start with the book and then speak with your pediatrician if it seems as though your little guy has any of the other red flags.
Hope this helps, good luck!
My middle boy is just like this and you are right the nursery rhyme says it all! I have finally found a couple of things that seem to be helping the situation. First, I cut his TV WAY down. I only allow him 15 minutes to a half hour per day, some days we never even turn it on. There are some days that he gets to watch a movie (1 1/2 hour or so) or I might be having a rough day and I allow him more TV than I should and sure enough, I see a difference in him immediately. The other thing is the discipline thing. Like you, I do not have a problem following through with disciplining any of my children but the way I was disciplining did make a difference. I found that with my son, I have to choose a place that he goes when he is in trouble and I have to put him there and not say one word or look at him until the fit is over and I am ready to let him up. The second I say anything to him he seems to get more energy for the tantrum and it will escalate or go longer.
I am not sure if this works on all kids but it sure did with mine. Good luck, I feel your pain, it is really hard to deal with.
I didn't read your other responses so you might have gotten this before. When I read your request the first thing I thought of was it might be a food allergy. It is surprising to think about how much bad stuff is put into food, especially food that is targeted to young children. A food allergy could result in anger, aggression, irritability, and other awful behaviors. Common allergens are MSG (monosodium glutamate) it is put in things with cheesy flavors, and soups. Cheetos, Doritos, cup of noddles, ramen noddles, etc. Food colorings have been shown to cause allergies that can trigger psychological behaviors. My niece is allergic to MSG, she will have terrible mood swings after she eats it. It might be something to look into. It would make everyone healthier if we avoided artificial flavors and colors.
