How to Help Toddler Cope with Separation Anxiety

Hi C.,

I understand how you feel; my two year son used to do the same thing and what was even more heartbreaking was he would run down the driveway sobbing "I love you Mama" over and over again like as if I was leaving because I didn't think he loved me. Oh how terrible. Anyhow, what worked for me was to stop and crouch down to his level for a 5 minute conversation wherein I explained to him that I would only be gone for a "little bit" and when I came back, we would go down and feed the ducks, or if I knew time would be short that evening, we would go swimming. Of course there were the "no, don't wannas" that would come after some of my offers, and I would just continually offer some of his favorite activities to him until he agreed to one of them. Then I would continually repeat the agreed upon activity as I was heading to the car, with I love yous in between, and he gradually stopped having a major break down when I left. Maybe this will work for you too, if not, hopefully you will find something that works because I know it hurts. Best of Luck!

C. I really have no advice because I am a stay at home mom so I am always with my children. Sorry I couldn't help.

I completely sympathize with you. I do not work, but when my daughter (now almost 3) went through that phase, it does just break your heart, but the term is short lived and she will totally grow out of it. She just needs to know that you are going to be coming back and after a little while of you leaving and coming back, she will see you will be there for her. Then she will be saying, "by mommy, I wanna stay with daddy" (like mine does). :) Don't worry, it is really short lived and she will totally grow out of it. :)

SHE LOVES YOU! Call it separation anxiety or whatever the current term is -- but if she didn't behave this way -- then I would think there is an "attachment problem" (another one of those current terms). I have a 6 year old who still becomes upset if we don't spend enough time together (for her) and a 5 year old who doesn't need as much time (and that worries me sometimes! the middle child syndrome!)........and a 2 1/2 year old who I cannot put in daycare, even if I wanted to.........he's a real cuddler and just loves being with me every moment of the day (and after 15 hours -- it is tiring). Make sure where your daughter spends her day is loving & stimulating and everything is fine there. Other than that -- it is a fact of life -- our children love us and want to be with us......at all ages -- (even high school!) but before 4 years of age -- definitely -- all the time. If she is not connecting with her caregiver with hugs/kisses --fun activities and so forth, it may make this time more difficult for her. Check out her daily routine just to make sure nothing has changed -- really investigate. And then just love her to pieces during the time you are together. This too shall pass.....but look on the bright side -- she loves you and is showing you the only way she knows how right now.
p.s And the other mom's comment that said she stayed at home -- ignore her -- every mom has to do what they think they have to do...the moment you "judge" another mommy (aside from beating/or neglecting a child) -- you are absolutely wrong.

I hate to say it, but it may just be one of those phases which she has to go through, but it will pass! My son went through it very obviously around 18 mos as well and it tapered off after a month or two. Now, we seem to be re-visiting that phase again. I think it's an age and development stage that they have to go through to start to separate their identity from ours. Now that my son is two, it's more of a tactic he uses to manipulate me. At 18 mos, your daughter still sees the two of you as connected and intertwined and it's important for her to go through this separation in order for her to build her own identity and independence which results in higher self-esteem. (Try to look at this as a good thing for her, even while it's painful to you.) What I did do though is what you're doing -- make the most of the time you do have together and tell her that you're going to do something special with her on Saturday and have special mommy/child time together because you miss her while you work. She may not understand that yet, but it helped me. :)

Take care.

E.

Unfortunately it is a phase that will work its way out on its own. It is very hard to deal with, we never want to hear our babies cry, but in time it will subside. My son is almost twenty months and he has been going through this phase for a couple weeks now. What we have done is established a strict routine. I drop him off in the mornings at daycare so our routine never changes and it seems to work for us. He carries his lunch box in, we sign in, he walks to his class room, and we say goodbye at the door. We do everything the same everyday and I always make sure I tell him "Mommy will pick you up later today". It was very hard at first because I would break down on my walk back down the hall, but Max knows that I am coming back to get him. Even after two weeks it got a lot easier on both of us there is a little less crying, however he is still clingy in the afternoons. I am not sure about that one yet. I know it is rough but maybe instead of getting ready by yourself your daughter can help you with small things or ... well at least be right there. Always reassure her you will see her later and even though it is hard try not to appear frustrated or overly emotional yourself.... sometimes it gives them a reason to be overdramatic. I know it is hard but it will get better Good Luck