How to Keep 3 Year Old from Working Herself into a Frenzy

My 4.5 year old does this but he doesn't get too worked up..he doesn't like going to school..he only goes 2 afternoons a week ..he also asks me what are we doing tomorrow..then when i say..."tomorrow is school day" he yells NO!!!!"...at school he usually has a good time unless i'm like 10 minutes late to pick him up then he gets bummed out seeing the other kids go home so i have to be right on time..i tell him he's lucky that some kids go to school every day and that he only goes 2 days a week..i think its b/c they have so much fun with us..i take my son hiking or somewhere fun all the days he's not in school..
I don't have any advice..sorry...just try to make school seem like a reward..a fun place..
he likes doing homework..so there's a plus..i hated preschool..my mom stopped making me go..i hated nap time..i wasn't tired and i resented being forced to lay down on a cardboard bed thing..my son is the same so i only have him go in the afternoons..
well gotta get ready for school :P

I have never had this problem with any of my kids so I'm sorry you both have to go through this but it sounds like she has a lot of separation anxiety..totally normal.

How about giving her something of yours to hold while you are gone? I think a 2 part locket would be great. She gets one half and you get the other...let her know it is only when she has to be away from you that she gets the other half. You will wear the other half until you are no longer separated and the two halves are whole again. Tell her it is a promise that you are returning to pick her up and that you also want the locket to be in one piece.

I'm not going to pretend I know what I'm talking about but I think it might help a bit. If you think she's too young for a locket of some sort...how about a toy that clicks together but small enough so she can keep in her pocket or cubby (at school).

She's undoubtedly bright and imaginative. What upsets her is not the reality of the situations, but the scenarios she spins in her head. She seems to be one of those people who can't shut off the "What if..." thoughts running through her head. And of course, the imagined disasters get bigger and bigger, morphing from "What if nobody wants to play with me?" to getting horribly beaten by a group of older kids. She can't really articulate those thoughts, plus she knows from experience that if she does try to, someone will just try to talk her out of it or tell her she's being silly, and she can't stand that idea.

I was like this as a kid, and so were 2 of my kids. You can't change it, but it doesn't have to run anyone's life.

Most young children need advance notice of things, to make it easier to leave what they're doing and shift mental gears, but your daughter is NOT one of those kids. When she asks what you're doing tomorrow, say, "We'll talk about it tomorrow." When she asks what's happening after lunch, say, "I'll let you know after lunch." When she asks what day school will resume, tell her, "I'll let you know when it's time." Be very calm and matter of fact. Don't let her badger you into talking. (The answer to, "Why won't you tell me?" is, "Because it's not time for (Event X) yet.")

Do not engage in normal comforting measures like, "Didn't you have fun last time?" All that does is make these kids like this feel that their parents are far too dense to understand the "real world" as they perceive it.

Yes, she will grow out of the hysterics, but she'll probably always be hesitant or nerve wracked by new situations, or those in which there are too many variables. That's OK (and perfectly "normal.")

Hang in there, Mom! :)

HI C.

I share your pain! My son has been through similar phases. Normally, I explain things ahead of time, but if it's a situation where I know he'll work himself up into a frenzy, I'll jut be vague about it, as Sharon Z says.

When he really presses me for an answer (he's 5 now), I'll just say something to the effect that we're going to have an adventure, and see what's next. Or that we'll have to wait and see what the situation calls for. It really helps to calm his anxiety about things that either: aren't going to change and are going to happen regardless (i.e. shots at the Dr.'s, school drop-off, etc.) or things that I know he will enjoy once we get in the door (Music class, playdates...)

Of course, don't lie, just put off giving her an answer, and ask her about her day.

It will get better with time!
C.

Wow it's as if I wrote this post about my three year old daughter haha every morning she ask"do I have school today?" "are you going to work?" I have found if I answer by saying " I have to check the schedule" and of course her being three she'll ask five more times lol and I just continue to say I have to check the schedule....as you said once she's at school she's fine. I think it's the anticipation is to much for them!!

Did I just write this? Woah, that's my daughter! My 3-year-old daughter does exactly this. I don't mention our plans because she gets too upset. She can whine and cry on and off a whole day or more knowing preschool or speech therapy is coming up. I don't attend these with her.
I am told she stops crying at all these places and has a good time once I leave. And, sometimes she enters screaming!

I hate this situation too. I don't want to keep her out of preschool or cancel her speech therapy. Obviously that is not in her best interest! One thing I noticed is that if a child does too much (too many activities without mom, plus transitions), it does not help. Try to have perhaps one thing she does without you (preschool, for example).

Push aside the other things that are not really necessary. My child is much better when we slow down the pace and have perhaps just one WITHOUT MOM thing to focus on.
My situation is such that I can't really do that all the time, but if you can, it would probably help.

How many days a week are you dropping her off at preschool or activities without you? It might be that you have added too many non-mommy things to her day. She's still quite young and may be trying extra hard to hold onto you because she feels like you're pushing her away. I'd stick with 2 half days a week for preschool and if you have an activity for her to attend, make sure it's one that you can participate in too. It's not a crime for her to want to spend time with her mother. she'll eventually grow up and start asking you to leave her alone. :) Cherish the moments now that you have to mold her into a wonderful young girl. I think it's a blessing to be able to raise our children and not have them brought up by daycare workers.

My first son was like this and it just tore my heart out. He is 10 now and still really would rather be home than any other place on earth. Some kids are just like that. Needless to say the best advice I ever got was from one of his early teachers. She said to not pay any attention to the crying whatsoever and continually talk about how excited you are to hear about their day when you pick them up. This made a difference almost immediately. It wasn't perfect and he still had his major breakdown days here and there, I just stuck with it, did not acknowledge the crying but focused on how great his day would be and how I couldn't wait to hear about it and we did great!

A couple of other things I did that helped when it came to events like play groups, birthday parties, MOPS, etc. were to just let him hang on me a bit if he was insecure with the situation. I never forced him to go play with the other kids or gave him a hard time about not participating, I just let him be. Now if he misbehaved or wasn't being a little gentleman when hanging next to me, I would make him sit off to the side. We never had a problem with going to any of these things again and eventually he even started to participate with the other kids. I guess he just got more confident.

In short, in all situations do not play into the crying and drama, but be empathetic to the fact that this really is an insecurity issue. Just focus on the good stuff and she will be just fine!

Good luck!

My 3 y.o. gets this way toward the end of the week. I think she’s just tired from all the fun. However, we have a routine (which helps) and even though she doesn’t really understand 7 days out of the week, 2 day weekends, 5 days of work and school – I’ve been telling her since she was able to understand that Mon, Tues, Weds, Thurs, Fridays are work and school days. Each day I tell her what day it is and of course, Thursdays and Fridays are usually much easier as she knows the weekend is near and therefore – No work! No school!

I also explain that Mommy and Daddy have to go to work so that we can have money for food, clothes, trips, etc. She understands that part as we just came back from a trip to CA and she loved it and always wants to go back. I tell her we have to work and save our money so that we can go back. I’ve also started explaining that going to school is like her going to work as she then started wanting to come to work with me. I also let her pick out a friend to take to school (small stuffed animal). Every since she started school she was never the one to just jump right on in and play. Her “friend” kept her company until she felt ready to interact with the other LOs.
Also on needy days, I try to give her something to look forward to after school whether it be a little “treat” or being able to watch an episode of her favorite cartoon (Thomas seems to be her fave these days) or going grocery shopping or lots of snuggles, etc. I usually gauge what she might look forward too by her mood that morning when I’m dropping her off. Sometimes she doesn’t need anything to look forward to but on the days she does it seems to help.

Funny thing… sometimes during the drop off when she says “I need more mommy snuggles” I will hold her but explain that I have to leave for work so that I don’t get into trouble. Since she doesn’t like being in trouble, she actually seems to understand that it’s bad when Mommy gets into trouble so she usually lets me give her one big hug and kiss and lets me leave without tears.

My son was like this for a while. His doctor told me when I took him to school, tell him bye and walk away. He said after a while he'd realize that it wasn't a big deal that I left and would be fine. He also said not to mention that I was leaving him. He said just put him in the truck and go. My son now wants me to leave him because he says he's a big boy. He's not getting a reaction from me now, so now he's content with me being gone. All they really want is that attention they get from throwing the fits. It broke my heart for the first week, but has really worked.

Don't allow tantrums to start ever. Once she has the self control and understands it's not allowed, she will be able to control it when you explain something to her.
My daughter (4) is super sensitive by nature, but because she has never been allowed to have tantrums, when I see the eyes welling up I can give her a calm, "No crying, babe, calm down and tell me what you want to say" and she stops herself right away and we can deal with the issue at hand. I still listen to her express herself and comfort her, but she is not allowed to begin a fit, and she's never carried one through (except the first couple of times she tried them before we nipped it when she was 18 months old-and then she tried a couple in public at 2 1/2, again-NIPPED in no uncertain terms)
You do have to use firm discipline (time outs don't work-they just tantrum in them) to train against this, which many people can't bear to do (which is why ignoring and closing kids off in their rooms to freak out alone has become acceptable these days), but it enables your child to hone their self control quickly and not let things get out of control in situations like the one you're describing.

Teach her not to act out and go into a frenzy. She needs that skill. Start at home and eventually she will follow your direction at drop off too.
At the very first couple of sobs before it escalates: One warning, and firm consequence if she chooses to continue. Every time.

At three, you can explain exactly what the new rule is about fits, what the result will be, and she'll understand. You'll still have to follow through because explaining won't be enough to nip the habit, but she'll learn quickly since she's old enough to understand. Once she sees you mean it, she'll stop. You won't believe she ever did freak out.

If you train her not to have fits, it won't matter what the situation is and explaining will be all you need. Until she's disciplined, explaining won't help-you'll just have to wait until she feels like outgrowing it.

It's easy to cloud the waters by attaching this to a good- bye making it a legitimate separation anxiety thingy, but I'm telling you, kids who don't tantrum, don't tantrum. Even at good byes. I may have been 'mean' to some up front about the behavior, but my daughter cheerfully hugs and kisses me good bye for school-always has, and she expresses her emotions with words and controlled sadness. If she's crying, I know it's legit, because she never has the self induced frenzies. You can do it,good luck, I know it's hard!

just keep explaining it to her. my 3 year old constantly ask if im leaving her places. i always tell her no. when it comes to a time when i need to leave her i explain that i will have to drop her off and that mommy cant stay and that i will be back to get her when its time. she may cry and thats ok. just tell her that she doesnt need to be upset and maybe make a chart for her so she can see what she is going to do the next day.