How to Kindly Inform a SIL I Don't Want Her Help?

I would just say, really thanks for the offer but honestly I'm planning on having them help me out. The 15 and 12 year old can help babysit, cook, clean, etc. and would be a great asset instead of having someone else come in to do those things for you

I think just telling her that you are fine with the 15 and 12 yr old helping with the younger kids is good. There is no reason that the 15 yr old can't be in charge while you're on bed rest. The timing is perfect, school will be out for the summer.

I hope you do enlist her help. Kids and teens need to know that helping is part of being in a family.

I would just continue telling her no, that you've got it under control but you appreciate the offer. It IS sweet though that she offered. That would be quite the undertaking...

Take care of YOU!

do NOT mention your distrust of her parenting methods. just don't.
just keep reiterating what you say here. 'i LOVE you for offering! but thanks, darlin', there's just no way i'm going to send my kids across the country, not even to their beloved aunt. i want them here.'
i repeat- do not bring up your views about her parenting. there's no surer way to cause a permanent rift in the family. keep it about you.
this is also a great time for your older kids to take on more responsibility, and i'll bet they rise to the occasion nobly.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Aside from the fact that you don't like your SIL....that is clear. I personally would not want my children located across the country from me if I were in your situation.

It sounds like you are saying.....ok I am going on bed rest so everyone go away while I prepare for this baby. How do you think that rests with your current 4 children? Maybe that is not how you meant for it to come across, I hope not.

Your 15 and 12 year olds should be able to do a lot to help you out during the last month. I am NOT saying they are there to take care of you or their siblings but at that age, they are capable of going to someone else's house to babysit, work in the yard, earn money.

Pay the older 2 to help you out just like you would pay a college student or sitter. Of course don't put too much on their plate... they need to have a fun summer as well. If you make them responsible for more than their share, they will resent you and the new addition.

I would just tell her it would stress you out more to have your kids away for a month in another state. Your older kids should be able to help out more. You already told her no twice so just keep saying it and then change the subject. Good luck.

Why would you need that much help with 2 teens in the house (12 years old is close enough)? They should be stepping up to the plate NOW and learning how to run the house while you are unable to. You'll still be there to supervise, but they can do all of the foot work involved. No one will be in school, and with some help from your friends once in a while (bringing meals, taking the littles out on a Saturday...) you guys should be able to pull this off without your SIL's help. That's what you tell her.

This is really easy. No need to judge her parenting, just tell her you don't want to send you children across the country for a month.

Tell her you want them close during this sensitive time and you want the help and company of the big kids to get you through it. Problem solved.

No need to judge her parenting style. (Seriously, stop doing that. She is the parent she is to her kids, and you are the parent you are to your kids.) Just tell her that you are not comfortable sending them that far away from you for that length of time. Don't discuss it further.

First of all, I just want to say I'm sorry you're going thru this - I was on bed rest with my son and it was a pain in the butt!!

As for your SIL - you don't owe her an explanation BUT since she doesn't seem to want to take "no" for an answer, just inform her that while you appreciate the offer, you'd be very uncomfortable having your children so far away and have decided to keep them home. End of story!! If she still bugs you, have your husband talk to her. I always feel that husbands should deal with their family; wives deal with theirs.

Good luck!!

First and most important: Line up your arrangements and help for your kids now, where you are. Where's your husband in all this? Do you have other relatives or friends nearby to help? Can your two older kids help with the younger ones at least some? Because this trip to SIL should not happen, and if you have plans lined up, your SIL (and husband--?) can't press you to send them.

Please follow your instincts here. The fact you're posting about it tells me you're questioning yourself but please -- don't! What you describe would instantly mean no to me; even if the one and only issue were "she leaves them with a babysitter several times a week so she can go clubbing" it would be reason enough not to send them (you don't know the babysitter, and if she's clubbing several times a week, she's likely tired or even hung over several mornings a week--not a way to be supervising young children).

If she is lax with two, she is not going to suddenly shape up and be attentive with a total of six kids there. She may just let the oldest two do what they like ( do you really want that?) and will treat your younger two just like she does her own.

I find it very interesting, though, and worrying, that you don't mention even once what your husband says about her offer. At all. She's his sister. Why have you, and not he, been the one telling her no so far? Is he pushing you to say yes? If so, you have to be very firm and stick to your guns here. Lay out for him what you laid out for us here. Tell him this is not negotiable. We're not talking about a visit with her for a few days with one of you parents present; we're talking about your children being 3,000 miles away from you for as long as a MONTH.

Your oldest child very likely would end up being expected by SIL to babysit the younger kids and her own kids too, I would bet. Is your oldest ready for babysitting duties for five kids at once for a month?! That will give you one angry and resentful teenager when this is over. Of course your oldest can indeed help you out -- back at home, not a continent away at SIL's house. If your kids are at home, others can give your oldest two a break in helping you but at SIL's they both are going to end up bored, possibly in trouble, and babysitting.

You also don't say if there is a boyfriend in SIL's life. Is there a man you don't know very well hanging around her? If she's out clubbing is she also bringing people home? Who are her friends and who babysits? I would not have my kids in a household where I wasn't certain about who was coming or going, or if there was a significant other there whom I did not know extremely well.

So there are the reasons. Now: Why are you so worried about her feelings? Your post indicates you want to tell her no "gently" but your previous two "no" answers have not sunk in. Tell her: "The kids will not be coming to you if II go on bed rest. We have made other arrangements here for all of them. It's nice of you to offer, but we are not sending them anywhere." If she keeps asking about this, you may have to have your husband tell her this -- she may just not be listening to you, period.

Veruca nailed this.

"Jill, it is extremely generous of you to offer to open your home for a month to 4 additional kids, but we do have support here and a plan. My older kids will also be a great help to me and the younger ones here, in their own home. (Insert here any additional support and help you have close to home: parents, neighbors, other close relatives, friends) So right now, I don't feel that it's necessary to have them away from home. If anything changes, you will be the first O. I call!"

It was still nice of her to offer.
(Even if she was June Cleaver, would you want to send your 4 children across the country for a month?)

Don't try to find a new way to tell her.

Take any one of the little "speeches" listed below - say less, not more - and just repeat it. Each successive time, just add, "As I said before, (insert speech here." Don't vary the wording. She will eventually get the message.

If your speech is on the long side, your repetition should eventually become, "As I said, thank you but no." Then change the subject.

"Thank you, but no. I want my kids near me. 15 and 12 are helping out with 6 and 4, so everything is fine here. It's nice of you to offer though."

And make that true, btw. Your older kids should be helping you, especially the 15 year old. (Assuming your kids have no med issues.)

I would just be persistent in thanking her but insisting the children would not like to be away from you while you're pregnant and that they are a comfort to you and helpful. Seriously, if you are on bed rest, even the four year old can get you water or books and the older ones can help the younger ones. But then DO NOT complain to her or anyone that the kids cause problems in anyway. Even cute little anecdotes - from this point forward, that is the only story.

I would tell her that your pregnancy hormones are making you feel too attached to your kids. You just can't bear to be separated that long! ;) ;)

If you do not already have a local plan find one. Explain it will be easier on you to have your kids close to you (unless your plan is to send them to grandma in another state).

No need to hurt her feelings. I was laughing when I read "They went out to eat 2-4 times a week by her own admission." Sounds like you have a list of reasons you do not like her parenting style. I have a feeling she already knows by your tone.

Just tell her that you've already made arrangements with friends in the area. Let her know that you really appreciate her offer but you want your children close by as you welcome a new baby into the world and their lives.

Not everyone parents the same way so while her's is different from yours she must be doing ok. At least she's leaving them with a sitter when she goes out instead of doing what a coworker use to do. She'd put the kids (ages 2 and 4) to bed and leave the several hours to go clubbing. Yes I called dcf on her.

All of the below is good. BUT ,your husband should also reassure HIS sister that you all appreciate the offer, but BOTH of you really want the kids close by through this time and know you will all be fine.

That HE wants the kids home to help you. And that he thinks her offer is awesome, but you all want to stay together through this.

This is a no-brainer for me. I'd just thank her profusely and tell her that you need them all close to you now. Certainly, your 15 and 12 year olds can help with the little ones and your friends/neighbors can pitch in where needed. Repeat as necessary and don't give too many other details. I don't know too many people who would send their children across the country for that length of time.

just say no thank you. we want our children home and the older kids are willing to help with the little ones.

You simply, matter-of-fact and firmly have to tell her no and mean it. Repeat it if necessary.

If I were your kids I would feel like mom doesn't want me around anymore while pregnant and might resent the baby. They know and see you growing with child. They can help you at home and be close to you. They won't feel abandoned if they are "shipped" off to auntie's house of horror.

So stick to your guns. Speak to hubby and have him tell her no. If she asks again after that then I would not be so nice and tell her how it is going to be in no uncertain terms and let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes you can't be nice to people and get the message across.

Have a safe delivery. Let us know what you have.

the other S.

PS Has anyone factored in the cost of airplane tickets lately? That's a lot of money that could pay for help locally.

Just let her know that your kids are helping you out and you'd miss them if they weren't there. Surely your 15 and 12 year old must help some...so you're not lying!

I would just repeat and be firm. Try to avoid saying something like 'that would be wonderful but I just can't trouble you,' or anything else that might make her think you are being polite. If you say 'Thanks for the offer, but we're fine and I feel good with my kiddos around,' hopefully she 'll get the message.

If she continues I would tell her what you could really use is a break from cooking and cleaning, not necessarily a break from your kids. That's probably true enough. Good luck on bed rest!

Why don't you tell her that in this trying time, you really want your kids to be around you and to be present in the hospital right after the birth!

#5 - wow. Congrats.

I totally understand your concerns....

Just tell her (again,and again, if necessary) that you have it under control.

And... your two older ones are MORE than capable of running the show and taking care of you, the younger ones, and the house if you are put on total bed rest. You can let things around the house slide, but the older ones can cook, entertain, and help take care of you. (Be sure to reward them for that work, though...... either with the promise of something special they are wanting, or whatever would be a good reward.)

You can be kind while still being firm. Just tell her no without any explanation or excuse. If she continues to ask, thank her for her offer and tell her that you wish that she would honor your decision.

Thanks, but I really want all the kids with me to meet their sibling as soon as he/she is born.

Just keep telling her you appreciate her offer but that you don't feel comfortable sending them this far from home. You do not need to explain this to her. Keep repeating to her "thank you but no." Distance alone without the concern for her parenting style is sufficient reason to turn her down. Focus on that.

If she says you're just being polite tell her you are not. Be direct in a kind tone of voice with both issues.

I'm wondering why the two older children wouldn't be a big help. They are old enough to take over household responsibilities with your supervision from bed. I suggest this would be an opportunity to increase their confidence and have pride in increased responsibility.

My mother was confined to bed during her last pregnancy. I was 13; my brothers 10 and 2. The two year old did live with an aunt. My daughter and her friend were 12 when they cared for a 3yo and a 10 yo full time one summer. They were at their house 9 hours, several days per week. The parents were a nurse and a police officer and savy about the safety of their children.

Say "No thank you. They'll be in school during that time (or getting ready for school to start) and they need to be at home so they can go. I really do appreciate your offer (Insert name here) but it's just too far to send them at such a busy time. My neighbor has offered to help out when the time comes that I can't drive anymore or go do errands any more".

What Laurie A said. You just don't want your kids away. But hubby needs to say it. See if a local college student, or your church, or someone might be willing/able to help.

Tell her 'No thanks!' and 'Sorry but that plan just isn't going to work out for us!' and 'We're doing something else!'.

Just say no. But if you might need her help I might wait to burn that bridge. While her more open parenting style might not be your thing, her kids are clearly fine (so she must be doing something right) and it is not like your younger children would not have the supervision of the older siblings. But, there is also no reason your 15 and 12 year old can not pick up any slack in child care and home care should you need bed rest.