Niece Does Not Acknowledge Gifts

We too have a niece who never acknowledged receipt of gifts we sent to her. It was very annoying. We truly did not know if she got them, as the family was always circulating rumors that the mom (ex) didn't give her some of the things that were sent.
Who even knows if it was true? But since she didn't teach her child proper etiquette it TRULY reflected back on her.

I can honestly say no one writes thank you notes anymore. It may have been good manners 20 years ago but today a phone call or a simple email or something is the MOST you can expect.

I send stuff to people all the time and never even know if they get it or not unless I call and ask. It's just the way society is now.

I can SO relate. My nieces/nephew have never acknowledged a gift, never. At a young age (even 8), I don't blame the kid, I blame the parents. Even on Christmas, when we're all on the phone saying Merry Christmas, their parents never mention the gifts. It's ridiculous. For the young ones, I still send things, but I'll admit- not as nice as the gifts I give those who appreciate them. Once they got older, 16 and up, we stopped. No one has asked why those kids don't get gifts anymore, but if they do I am glad to tell them. Because here's the thing- when the older kids graduated high school, they were damn sure to send us their announcements in hopes of us sending money. Oh, so you DO know how to write and send mail. I don't play that way, it's just rude and presumptous. Like you, I don't send gifts only to receive a thank you, that's ridiculous. But if you don't acknowledge, I can only assume you don't really enjoy things, so I won't bother you with any more things!

I am surprised how many people think it's just the way it is now, and that's ok. If that's true, then I can change to and not send gifts. We teach people how to treat us. But again, this is the fault of your SIL. I would punish the niece yet. And I wouldn't be mad if I only got a text, e-mail, or phone call and no hand written note. Just SOMETHING.

I'm with ya. My daughter is 12, and though she's not great at being a self-starter yet, she knows how to write a nice note. And she is better now that she will thank someone on the phone without prompting. Good luck.

It's not her fault, it's her mom's fault. Don't know what the answer is, since her mom won't do it. Maybe suggest to the mom that it would be really nice to receive at least a call acknowledging it, if not a thank you card.

You can't punish her for her mom's neglect, 'cause it's up to parents to teach their kids good manners.

Sure, say something to the mom. You will be doing her daughter a favor.

Hi Bmama,

First, I'll say this: I think the responsibility in reporting back to you that a gift sent was received *should* be placed squarely on your SIL. Why? Simply because she is the older and wiser party in that household. Your niece hasn't been taught to write the TQs, so she thinks this is 'normal'. Your SIL, however, does know more-- even if she feels she can't find the time to ensure a note is written, she should be giving you a quick call or email to say "the package arrived--thanks--so thoughtful, she loves it" or something like that.

I have come to the conclusion a long time ago that when I give a gift, it just has to be that- a gift I want to give, and then I let it go. I recently sent one sister a gift card to a favorite cafe to take the family out for a pleasant time and still haven't heard from her. Honestly, it's a little disappointing, but I don't know what's on her plate these days and I just let it go. It was something *I* wanted to do.

As for myself, I know that my relationship with my MIL is pretty much cemented by thank you notes. She lives for them and so we make sure they get out promptly and I take care of the other ones as I am able. I like doing this because A. I appreciate the time and care someone took, thinking of me AND because I do also enjoy receiving them. I do have my son (5) write thank-yous for most things--or draw a thank-you picture, because I feel that showing appreciation is a finer point in taking care of our relationships with other people. Further down the line in life, making a practice of being gracious and appreciative can work to one's advantage in how we are perceived by others. Call me old-fashioned, I suppose.

(and I, too, have been tempted to give a few people thank you cards as a gift, however-- a bit too passive-aggressive for my taste. I don't want to negatively impact the relationship over an expectation of this sort, esp. when it comes to kids.)

Next time you are talking to your SIL say "Remember how you were telling me that you have trouble getting it together about thank you notes?" "Well, I thought about it and though I understand that you guys are busy, it really bothers me that Suzie does not acknowledge my gifts. It would mean a lot to me if you could help her write a thank you note next time I send a gift."
Sometimes you have to just say it!

She doesn't send thank you's because she hasn't been taught to.
Good manners are learned at home. Clearly this is not a priority for your SIL.
Manners are important to me too, which is why I would NEVER point out someone else's lack of them.
Continue to be gracious and teach your children well, leading by example will serve you better than pointing out the flaws in others.
ETA: I also agree that a phone call or an email is an acceptable acknowlegement of a gift.

be made at your sister not the niece. How can you expect an 8 year old to do this if she has never been taught. Gratitude is something that is learned. whether you learn it from a parent or out in the world it is something you learn.

I would never stop sending my niece gifts because her parents lack a basic sense of manners.
I have been in your shoes.
There's nothing like sending a large amount gift card and not knowing it was received.
It's not about wanting a thank you note, it's about wanting to know that it arrived and you didn't just flush a hundred bucks down the toilet AND having your niece think you forgot about her birthday, in the case of a lost/spindled/stolen piece of mail or package!
It's common courtesy which her parents lack.
So I'd send it early, then call to extend birthday wishes ON the birthday, and ASK, flat out, if she got the XYZ you sent. Maybe her parents can be embarrassed into common courtesy? Geez. How rude.

She's 8 years old. Her mother should have taught her better and hasn't. How can you blame the child for the parent's ignorance??

I would tell my SIL that thank you notes let you know that your gift was received. It has NOTHING to do with EXPECTING one - it SHOULD BE MANNERS and COMMON SENSE to send thank you notes. aaaahhhh but this is the society we live in.....we have allowed manners to slip through the cracks!!

Good luck...I would stop sending presents. And if someone (SIL) asks why - just say - they were never acknowledged - so I thought they were getting lost in the mail...heck even a PHONE CALL would be nice!!!

It is interesting to me that everyone is talking about how the niece not writing a thank you note is the SIL's responsibility. I don't know about your SIL, but in my world (largely because my otherwise wonderful husband has a big end of fiscal year crush) Christmas looks like this: I work, do all the shopping, do all the cooking, do all the cleaning, do all the wrapping, keep the little people busy during their Christmas break, make the cookies with said little people, deliver them to older relatives and friends who do not get much Christmas joy, host out of town family (including my siblings and my siblings in law), organize parent gifts (for said siblings and siblings in law), and act as gracious host. I am happy to do all of these things, but sometimes it leaves me feeling like the set and clean up crew of a Broadway production. Post-Christmas, if someone gets side-ways about thank you notes, I'm going to blast them into next week. We tend to do a Christmas follow up at Valentines Day when we send out homemade Valentines to our extended family who sent gifts. I know, that is not Emily Post's recommendation, but Emily Post had time to hand write party invites, too.

In short, maybe you can make progress with your brother? A "hey, do you remember when mom made us do this as kids? It would really mean a lot to me if you helped your kids do this, too?"

Alternatively, set up something else with your niece, such as having her open the present while you Skype, particularly before or after Christmas, so that you can witness the opening and the appreciation first hand. Kids are always looking for an opportunity to open something "early" and I have found that my kids and my extended family love to skype with them just in general because the kids are so enthusiastic about it.

Good luck... and cut your SIL some slack and maybe get your brother to pick up some.

I think the kid hasn't been taught and SIL admits she doesn't follow through. You need to tell them how this bothers you because you are reluctant to send gifts anymore. You can also tell your brother that you would like a phone call, etc. Maybe he can broach it with SIL if you are not comfortable. You can also say, "Without a call or text to thank me, I have no idea if the gift was received and if I need to contact the shipper or company."

Of course you know it's not the niece's fault. If you are worried the gift didn't arrive, try emailing her mom or dad and check in. Then, let it go. Some families don't worry about thank you notes. We try to do them and are about 75% efficient with them. In fact, we're still working on thank you's for xmas. Honestly, with all we have going on with work, both kids' schedules, homework, etc. I'm lucky if I'm not doing laundry at 11pm at night. Thank you notes get done on the weekend if we don't have too much going on and we can only do one or two a day, since we put a lot of effort into them and the kids need my help to get going.

I realize it's annoying to not know if your gift make it though! I still don't know if two packages arrived at a family members house and don't think I'll ever find out. I've asked and the email went unanswered. Oh well.

I think a call from the niece should suffice as a thank you. Her mom does not place a priority on acknowledging gifts - this is confirmed. Call the niece and ask her about the gift and say that you really try to pick out something she'd like and you are always excited to hear if she likes it. That might get her to talking and plant the seed for future conversations after you send gifts. I have a relative with three kids under he age of 11 and I typically get them gifts for Christmas. I like shopping for them. Their mom never makes an effort to have them reach out to say thank you. That's not something she does. At first I was a little pissed, but the kids know the gifts are from me and they will remember that. When I do talk to them they tell me all about how they loved their gifts. That makes me happy. I had to modify my expectations and you should also or just don't send a gift.

its not your nieces fault its your sil's.. honestly though i dont think a written thank you is necessary, but she could at least call you just to say thanks

Write at the bottom of the card "give me a call to let me know you got this!" Don't say anything to your SIL it's actually none of your business what she does and doesn't make her children do. It's awesome you have time to, but for the rest of us a handwritten thank you card it just one more thing on our list of "Stuff I Never, ever, ever have time to do". Good luck.

it's not the niece, it's the parents. so this is an issue you should bring up with the mother if it bothers you. granted, my kids never send thank you notes, but i acknowledge the gifts to the sender and express my kids' reaction to receiving them, that is, verbally, as i don't have the time to sit and write thank yous.

Does she vote differently than you? Does she clean differently than you? If they opened it in front of you would they say thank you? It's not a lack of respect or manners, some people just do things differently. Doesn't mean they don't appreciate you or your way of doing things. Me personally, I work so many hours that I never see my kids, and can barely help with home work the day before its due. And my house is a wreck. Sorry but thank you notes come last to those necessities. Not being rude, just asking that everyone reframe their minds, not everyone is going to please you, we're all trying to do the best we can.

Your niece hasn't been taught properly, and your SIL is just wimping out! That's BS that she can't get it together. She wanted you to give her permission to NOT write thank you notes. But I don't think it's just the mom's responsibility - the dad (your brother) can be responsible for this as well. It's not just a woman's job.

I'd stop sending things - they aren't acknowledged, and it's ridiculous for you to have to follow up to find out if they were received. If you are asked about it, you can tell your brother and SIL that you assumed they weren't appreciated because you never hear back from anyone. You aren't going to force things on people who don't want them. You aren't going to bother people to find out if something was received. So you're making it so much easier on them since they are so busy anyway! And if all the gift giving is one-sided and nothing comes your way, what's the point? Not all relationships are based on gift-giving, so maybe this one shouldn't be.

What I WOULD do is send a card for the same occasions (birthdays, Valentine's day, whatever you have been doing) but not with any money or gift card, and no presents. Just a "thinking of you" note. If you have a photo of your family or something fun that you did, you can include that. SHOW them how to write a little note and how much fun it is to get mail. That way you are showing that you want to stay in touch but not sending gifts.

So yeah, but them off, but gently and with a substitute.

It's her mom's fault for not teaching her.

It would be a rare find (I'm sure there might be 1 or 2 on this planet) that
would have the forethought of sending a thank you note or acknoweleding it period at her age.

I would either let it go (no follow up to see if they received the gift....they
most likely did) OR just send a card on their birthdays, holidays.

My husbands nieces are the same way however we go to their gatherings so I have decided many moons ago that I won't splurge on their gifts since they never like anything we get for them even $$ & gift cards they have no interest can see it in their faces & it ticks me off.So really soon I won't be doing gifts anymore.Let me add I have been in the family since they were babies.

I feel so guilty when I let days go by without sending a thank you and then one day it feels too late. Is it ever too late?

I agree with you even though I'm bad about it, even kids should write a scribble note with a heart and be bothered to put a $.44 stamp and send it off as a thank you. It's a lost social endeavor and I am very sad to see it lost in our "busy" lives. But don't stop giving gifts. You need to tell them it matters to you. Today, people really aren't taught it and it's not the daughter's fault that the parents aren't teaching her. Next time leave a letter with the gift saying "Please send me a letter that you got this, I'd love to hear from you." That way, she has no choice to say thank you in it AND it will tell her that a note from her means very much to you and it is a small thing to ask so in this case, I don't see you as wanting something back. I usually advocate that people not expect GIFTS back but I think expecting a THANK YOU is not something I can argue with.

OMG, I need to go send late Thank you cards... Thanks for the reminder.

Your niece is 8 years old. She does not write thank you notes because she was never taught to and isn't old enough to really take responsibility for this without her parents teaching her. I would not cut off the gifts. I would continue to send them. It would be nice for the parents to teach her to thank someone for their gift, but keep in mind that there are other ways besides handwritten notes. She could call, she could email, but at her age, I would not stop sending her gifts for not being taught to thank far away relatives for presents. When a reasonable time has gone by, ask her parents whether they've arrived, or email them ahead of time saying that you've put niece's gift in the mail and could they let you know when it arrives. If SIL comments again about not having it together enough to send thank you notes, you can always reply that kids can send an email for a quick and easy thank you.

If she was a teenager, I could see holding her responsible. Once she is a teen, you could always include a stamped, addressed thank you note in her gift!

If I were you I would just give her a call (your niece) and ask if she got her gift and if she liked it.

For me, getting a thank-you card from either of my nieces or nephews would be like getting a thank-you card from my kid. Weird.

I always call to make sure they got their gift, and then we have a nice chat and that is it.

Buy your niece (or make) some really cute thank you notes. and include with them some stamps. tell her that you thought of her when you saw them. And that she can use them to send thank you's when she gets birthday gifts, christmas gifts etc to tell you all about them. That you like to hear about them how she likes them, do they fit etc. it is a beginning. and just because a parent doesn't teach a child etiquette doesn't mean they will never learn it.

When I was growing up my mom didn't do thank you notes. she is almost 70 now and still doesn't do them. But when I had my first baby a 19 friend asked me if I liked a gift she had given me at the shower. I said yes I loved it. She said "well I wasn't sure since you didn't send a thank you note" I was embarrassed and always send one now. You can teach your niece without embarrassing her at this age. Just tell her its nice for the gift giver to know she got and liked a gift. And here is some notes to get her started.

My kids always liked funny thank you notes. Monkeys hanging from trees, dogs with big eyes etc and they especially liked them if there were lines inside to write on.