How to Manage Anger When Responding to 16 Year Old Son

I would simply tell him that you do not want to hear anything else about it and that if he would like to help you choose a new home than he is more than welcome to talk to you. Until then, tell him that he needs to keep his negativity to himself.

Best wishes to you and good luck! :)

I remember my parents moving us when I was a child - and most of my parent's friend were also moved as my father's office was closing and everyone was being relocated. The teenagers among us (I was a bit younger than they) had the hardest time as their friends are a such an intense part of life at that age. Assuming that he has been in the same school system for a while he probably had plans/ideas about graduating, going to prom, planning for college, etc with these friends and the idea of having to fit into a whole new group some place else is overwhelming - and boys are less likely to be able to say that.

My guess is that his behavior is out of fear and lack of control - and that he wants to stay and if he can convince the family not to move, either by his own behavior or by getting his siblings on his side, then he will be willing to try!

Wow. Yikes. It sounds like you're confused and feeling attacked by your son and getting close to being completely overwhelmed...

I think that keeping your joy is an excellent goal, and one which is within reach, through a small shift in perception. From the outside, this appears to be a conflict of opinion, that seems to escalate into 'who has the most logical argument for/against'.

As you have experienced, this isn't a helpful place to stand, and unless you have some means of force, you cannot stop your son from disagreeing with you. In fact, if you thought about it for a while, I'm sure you'd feel that making him agree with you is just about the last on your list of goals for him and his future.

Now, from the inside-- the inside of you and the inside of your son-- you have a completely different perspective available to you. You know that you are freaked out by his response, and feel he's criticising you and your husband, and 'siding' with your inlaws -- a kind of betrayal, yeah?

But what do you think is happening from inside of him? While it's certainly not possible for me to determine that from *here*, I can make a few guesses based on his reactions, which might be more... generous towards him than the arguing has been.

I think he has a valid concern (and I think your inlaws do, too) -- which is not to say I think you need to change your decisions at all. This is where the third option comes in: there is 'with me or against me' and then there is 'how 'bout we all work together'. You need to hear and understand his concerns from his perspective in order to be able to address them effectively (and it still doesn't mean signing up for him to decide for your whole family).

By 'hear and understand' I mean that you need to be able to say back to him, in your own words, 'you are concerned that we will be homeless... which means to you that you won't have a safe place to sleep that is private and your own, is that correct?'

Now, with enormous restraint and diligent care, from that statement (when he agrees or disagrees that this is his concern) your job is to NOT try to explain why that's not a valid concern, why it's not likely, why it's wrong or inaccurate or anything else. Your task is to simply hear him with genuine concern and respect.

*When* your son feels completely heard, he will cease to need to repeat the complaint. If it comes up again, it's code for 'I'm concerned about this other thing, too,' and your task will again be to hear what he is concerned about.

The thing is, no matter how logical your plan or diligent your preparations or even if you decide to stay, you don't get to control the future -- and addressing concerns about what *might* happen is part of life. Yes, he's right -- you may end up homeless. You may if you stay where you are, too. There are no guarantees and we can only do what we can do, what feels and seems right at the time, with all the best information we can lay our hands on.

Being freaked out about the future is pretty much what 16yos are all about. If it wasn't this, it would be something else -- so don't take the fact that you've decided to move your family as the cause of his distress.

In a way, your husband is right: you have to stop arguing with him in order to stop arguing with him about it. Just stopping isn't satisfying to anything, though, and certainly won't lead to less conflict or more joy. Connecting effectively with your son, through honouring and respecting his concerns, will happily do both: less conflict, more joy.

Dear T. B, My name is K.. I have found from my own
experience that if I would even engage in a conversation
with my teenage son after a decesion was made it would be utter bedlam-like you have experienced. He would wear me down completely. I understand your delima. I have found out
he was purposly pressing my buttons to cause trouble.
I am a Born Again Christian now I have learned so much.
The main thing is to pray, pray, and pray some more. Prayer
changes things. Stomie Ormartin has a beautiful book
regarding "PRAYING FOR YOUR CHILDREN". She also has a book
"PRAYING FOR YOUR HUSBANDS". Your son is very frightened
about this move, new surroundings, having to acclament to a
new school, etc. Perhaps, when your son starts in aguing, lower your voice very softly. This is a must!!! Do not raise your voice. In a very loving, kind tone address his concerns.
(Pray that the Lord will help you as you speak to your son
and prepare his heart to listen and see the wisdom in the
situation.) Be on the same page as your husband. Ask your husband if the whole family could have a meeting (PRAY FOR IT) everyone could be on the same page.He needs to speak to his Mom by himself, too. "This is what the family will be doing, .....,.," Be very decisive about it
in your kind, FIRM, soft voice. We don't need to have this
conversation again!!" If your son tries to get the agrument
going again (They are trying to see where our borders are by
going on and on.Your husband is right, perhaps one more family meeting then NO MORE.) When he wants to borrow the car or go here or there, "Sorry dear, your dad and I asked to
not to fuss about moving. You know our decision. The case
is closed. When you respect that rule, then you can go out."
I know that is not a easy thing to do, but Jesus will help you. I did hear about a new book "I am your parent, not
your friend. Go to CBN.com to see more about that.
Hope this helps. I'll be praying for your family.
God Bless, K.

I am having the problem of responding to an angry 15 year old. It has taken a bit of time, but have come to the decision that I will NOT fight with him anymore. I will calmly answer what has been said and if he wants to fight, I will either leave the room or ask him to leave.

Maybe in your case, he needs to know that you have jobs and a home waiting for you. If that is not enough, then you need to let him know that there is no use fighting, the decision has been made and fighting will not change that.

Take a deep breath, say a prayer and most importantly, don't let the other children see you fight with him. The fighting will cause anxiety on their part and that is the last thing you need right now. Make sure you reassure them that you will all be going and there is no need to worry.

Good luck - teens are a handful, but can be fun too.

Remember, take a deep breath and say a prayer asking God to keep your tounge when you speak to him.

K.

T., yes a difficult situation, but first of all, some teens like to push buttons, he knows if he talks that way about moving, it gets you angry, some teens like to make us parents angry so it gives them an excuse to act the way they do, first of with teens, and with any child make your yes mean yes and your no mean no, keep firm with things that matter to you, what is hard to realize is that when they push buttons, we forget we control our buttons, they know exactly what button to push to make us go off, what you have to learn to do is not allow yourself to go off, dont yell, dont get angry, this is very hard to do, but it does work, and eventually get to work through the wall they built up, if he pushes the negative move button all you have to do is respond with kind words, and not yell, dont allow that button to be pushed, just say, when we talked about moving you were all for it, what changed now ? also you can say , we have all ready discussed this, its not an argument, and walk away, keep your cool, dont make it into an argument, im not blaming you , or saying its your fault, but as an adult, we need to be the ones to keep our cool, cut the string off your buttons, you control wether or not they are pushed, you really do, as far as your husband, its ok, to leave him out of it, he dont like to hear the argument, and if you push him into helping you he wont knwo how to help and it could make matters worse, ive been in that situation, and it is very hard for teens to move, and up root from their freinds, so understand why he might be angry, and do some research about th area you are moving to, check into the schools, have him help you find a house, or apt. let them be involved, just keep the positive, and moves are hard on everyone, and especially hard, on teens, so just keep plugging along, keep your cool, and get involved, and find out the bottom line, of his anger, you have gotten this far, and you are to be commended, keep going and keep being positive, D. s

Hi, I think that you are right to distance yourself from the negative family. Also, you really do need to forget about his family and what they think. You can have a discussion with them directly "I understand that you don't want us to move and you may be right, it may not work out, however, we have made this decision and we are not going to change. The negative things you have been saying are hurting them. You can either agree to enjoy your grandchildren now and not say discouraging and negative things or you can choose to not have contact with them."

As far as your son, he is old enough for you to sit down and have a conversation with him. Explain to him why you are moving and that you do have a plan. Let him know that he will be taken care of and that he will be able to call his friends whenever he wants. I can imagine that he is afraid, he is afraid of the consequences that were planted in his head, he is afraid of switching schools and making new friends, he is afraid of losing touch with his family and everything else. Let him know that whatever he says or does, will not change the decision that you have made, and that he now has the choice of helping make the move easy and happy or of losing priveleges.

It's very likely that his only problem is that he is 16! My son is almost 18 and thinks adults are the root of all of his problems. He thinks we know nothing about finances, parenting, education, etc...I could go on forever. Luckily, he is *starting* to come out of it and learn that *perhaps* we might know a thing or two about adulthood since he is facing becoming an 'independent' adult very soon...(sooner than he thinks if the attitude doesn't change). A few things I have learned, teenagers will argue until they drive you crazy, without having any grounds whatsoever for the argument! Also, there is no way to make him see your reasoning...he doesn't want to. To an extent, you don't owe your teen an explanation. You are the parents and your decisions stand. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to try to influence the smaller kids and doing so will result in consequenses...and then stand your ground. Don't let your mood be influenced by your teen's attitude. Stand firm WITH your husband or you will be miserable for sure. I often feel like I am furious while talking to my teen, only to turn around and put on a big smile when talking to my hubby...it seems like I am turning my emotions on/off (and I sort of am) but it's more just an outright refusal to let my teenagers attitude ruin my day!

Good luck...and remember that when the kids are gone you and hubby will be left to each other's company in a marriage that you have either nurtured or neglected! Make sure it's the former!

~L.

Sorry about this stressful situation. Teenagers often have more then one reason for their behavior, and it never is logical to us adults, that's just the nature of it.

Its possible that he's enjoying the negative attention he gets from you over this situation. I'd suggest sitting him down and letting him know (during a time when this isn't an issue) that you are no longer going to argue with him about it and you expect him to be respectful of that. If he brings it up, ask him to go to his room until he's ready to drop the subject. Its not a decision that is negotiable and he is being disrespectful and rude.

I'd stick to my guns about this until he gets the point. Don't argue. It will always come down to the infamous "I'm the mom and you're the kid" senario, so since its been explained to him over and over and there is no new information to pass on, he needs to deal with it.

Yes, keeping your family away from inlaws who are negative is a good thing. If they want contact with the kids, they need to be respectful of your family's decisions.

Best wishes!

It sounds like you're overwhelmed, T.. Take a deep breath and relax. Your situation isn't easy. It seems that you are a go-getter, the motivator in the family. That's good. But remember, your son is an adolescent who is tranferring from childhood to adulthood. Of course, if he was a little child, he would be more flexible about a move. But he's not. He's a young man who has probably just started to establish connections and relationships at school, in the community, etc. Teenagers are sensitive and vulnerable because of the tremendous physical changes they're experiencing and more than ever, I think they need stability and support -- even though they cry out for independence. Try to relax and talk to your son one on one. He's clearly distressed about moving -- gently find out why. Being sensitive to his needs will better prepare you for any necessary moves by engaging him as your ally -- not your enemy.

Good luck.

I think you son is just scared about moving away from his friends and the things that he is used to. This is a very tough age to move. Don't forget, when you do move next year he will be a junior in high school. The younger kids will have an easier adjustment based upon their ages. You need to discuss what your son is feeling with him. You also should tell all the kids that the reason your in-laws are telling them negative things is that they do not want you to move because they will miss you.

Hello T., your 16yr old is old enough to be in on the decision to move or not to move, he would be sad not to go with you, but friends, girls driving,& school are everything to a child this age in 2 short years, he will be an adult. He probally feels angry, and trapped, I would try and talk to him about everything he is feeling, if he does not want to talk, wright him a letter, explaining your view's and why this would be best for the whole family. As for the IN-LAWS, who sound more like out-laws, explain to the children, grandma & grandpa, will soon be in a nursing home, and are crazy, just kidding, best to ignor them, sad you do not have their support. Best of luck to you, it would not be so terible to leave the teen-ager behind, let him finish school, visit as often as possible, try and have him visit as well, maybie he could pick a colledge near your new home. Remember if he is included in the choice to move or to stay and finish school(live w/in-laws) he may choose on his own to go with the family, think how you felt at this age, he's growing up, if he chooses to move, he can't complain later, it was his decision to go. B., mother of 4 grandmother of 3

Before becoming a mom of a wonderful boy from Russia, I spent my days working in relocation services. Statistically, moving is the second most stressful event in our lives next to death. It is harder for teenagers who base their identity on their friends and activities that they are involved in.

Your son is going to freak out about moving. Fighting with him will not help. He needs to be reassured that it will be ok. Can you try spending some quality time with him? Will he do it? How about your husband? Try researching facts together on-line. There are many web sites out there that help people compare cost of living, etc. I wish I knew one off of the top of my head...try googling it.

Good luck! Keep a level head and do what is right for your family.

PS: I take a anti-stress/anxiety dietary supplement if you want details! :D

S.

T.,
First, let me offer my empathy with your son. It isn't fun when they're trying to act like adults and don't have a clue, but test your patience anyway.

This is typical stuff for a 16 year old. What might help is to first sit down with your hubby and find out why he's being such an apathetic no-help. Is he the one unemployed? Maybe he's just scared of BEING without work and taking a big step to foreign territory is intimidating. The unknown IS scary. Secondly, not that it's any business of your inlaws, but it could be he's taking flak enough from their bickering and it's more than enough. Having to hear it as well in his OWN home and family makes him not want to hear anymore. I think that's natural. But he should be upfront with you so you as a team can deal with your kids as a team.

Secondly, should the above mentioned happen that you get on the same page, call all the kids together and both of you assure them that you wouldn't do something that would put them in a worse situation. Assure them it's a change for everyone, but you're together as a family and if everyone can work together, the transition will work.

Kids get scared about changes like this tho. Maybe something at school with the 16yo that makes him not want to leave. girlfriend??? could be. Maybe he IS hearing a lot of negativity from grams and gramps. Make it clear that the decision to move is not due to grams/gramps or to punish anyone. Make sure they understand this is a decision made as the adult members of a family and grams/gramps are maybe as worried about seeing their son and grandkids, but ultimately the move is for the common good of the family and their opinions are, really, irrelevant.

He's scared.
Only you know your sons personality and how he reacts to changes. This is a big change. Everything he knows is changing. Try contacting the local visitors bureau and having them send you a whole packet on the area. Maps and all... Hand it to him and tell him that he NEEDS to read it all and write down his positives and negatives based on his research. Then next time he brings up the subject ask him if he has his list ready to talk about... Expect the list to be short and consist of pro - Nothing. etc... But if it doesn't good. Or just sit down and read the pamphlets about all the teen activities out loud. Sorta in the Honey, guess what we can do when we are there...

He does need to talk about how he is feeling but I doubt you will be the one he talks to.
Any chance of going to where you are planning on moving for a weekend and letting him see it all... Grand tour of all the attractions they would like.

I was told once by a wise old lady who had a bunch of boys that from the time they are about 13 (puberty kickin in) that the father should take over the discipline and guidance. NOT THE MOM. Having the mom do it and the father sit by watching leads to boys ending up marrying the controlling, bossy women that us moms don't want our sons to marry. By your son arguing with you and telling you that you are "convincing" your hubby to move he is being very disrespectful to you and also to your hubby... Hubby needs to step up even if it is to say don't talk to your mom that way...

I'm sorry but all my sympathy is with your son - how tough is it for a junior in high school to start over, leave all his friends behind, his school - everything he knows. Of course he's digging in his heels - what else can you honestly expect? If you absolutely have to move for work reasons, I think you've just got to be super-patient with him and really help him with the transition - perhaps take him to the new school well ahead of time, try and get him involved with it in some way, like joining a sports team as soon as he arrives. You could also tell him that he can spend school vacations back at home - could he stay with your in-laws? Speak to a school counsellor too. Another alternative could be him staying with a relative or good friend in the school district you now live so he can finish off school. Good luck - to you and your son - Alison

Tell him that it is not appropriate to say these things in front of his younger siblings and that if he wants to discuss things (like grown-ups) then you and him can talk in private. He probably is alittle scared of the unknown of moving. Listen to everything he has to say. Discuss his feelings, but don't let him argue.

great job but you have to make captlies

I have to agree with Linda C. Validate his feelings.. they are real! You will have a better chance of keeping your joy if you ask your son what his fears are and then answer them. I would be scared to move away from everything I know as well, it is a freaky thing to do! I have done it twice now, and I don't regret it at all but it is scarey.

It sounds to me like your problem is with your husband and not your son. Your son is sixteen and, of course, is not thrilled with the idea of moving. He has friends, a school, a whole social system thst will disappear- I know, not what you want to hear.

But as far as managing the anger, I would put yourself in his shoes. And really the anger you are feeling is actually towards your husband and his unwillingness to stand up and support your decision. If he isn't willing to do this then it's one of two things; 1) he doesn't want to move either, or 2) he just has a non-confrontational personality which is probably no different than when you married him.

Bottom line is, if this is what you and your husband have definitely decided to do, you need to just do it and stop trying to convince your son it's going to be a good move. He doesn't agree. All the talking in the world won't change that. He's going to have to make his own decision once the move is made.

Just breathe and hold your tongue. I know, easier said than done.