How to Support My Husband and Our Son

Wow, what a difficult situation!! Of course I am sure there is a back story to this that we don'tknow about...some reason that things are so tense between your husband and FIL. Maybe your FIL would consider coming to YOU since it is such a difficult time for you to be out of town. That sounds like the logical thing to me. If that doesn't work I see 2 possible solutions
1. Your husband goes alone and you stay home with your son to get him to camp and let him have a nice smooth start to Kindergarten.
2. Your husband tells your FIL that this date that he has "penciled you in" on in calendar doesn't work for you right now..that he is very sorry but Dad will have to let him know when there is another free day in the foreseeable future that he could squeeze you into his terribly full and important schedule!! (Oooooh do I sound a bit sarcastic??? Sorry!!!)
I would talk this over with your husband, see how HE wants to handle it...and just let him know that you will do whatever he feels like is the best.
I am just sorry that the family situation is so complicated...but my guess is that this is not something that just started this past year....I bet that the relationship between your husband and his father hasn't been good for a long time.

Wow. He expects you to fly 6000 miles with a 5 year old for a ONE DAY visit, in the middle of your son's summer camp *literally* right before school starts.

There are 364 other days in the year. I don't personally see how bending over backwards to support your FIL's schedule, while it completely screws your family over is helpful in any kind of way. Even heads of state get more than 24 hours free in a year. But the last people he books time for, are supposed to hop on a plane and come to him. Drop Everything & Beck and Call comes to mind. So does emotional blackmail, over a barrel, and gall.

If you can find a way to be supportive of such an untenable position, you are a far better woman than I.

Send your husband. You stay home.
You cannot change your whole life because this man has an urge.
Your FIL is selfish to think you'll drop everything and run across the country because this date is convenient for him. What about you?
Just send hubby. We've done this many times - my husband visits his family without us because there are things going on here. It is what it is.
LBC

I agree with Ladybug. Send hubby you stay with your son and continue on with your summer plans. Since your husband hasn't seen his dad much it is a perfect time for them to bond. Then down the road you can make plans that work for everyone and you all can get together. In a heartbeat I'd let hubby go solo.

Personally I would not make the trip unless your husband wants to go on his own. You have made plans for your son already and it sounds like Gpa has not made his own son and grandchild a priority in his "new life", how sad. In addition, it is not in your son's best interest to miss the beginning of kindergarten and a fun camp it sounds like he is looking forward too. A better alternative may be to meet Gpa and his new family over Christmas break. Maybe your family and Gpa and his family can plan in advance to meet in a location 1/2 way from where both of you live for a long weekend. Discussing it with your FIL and planning it now for Dec allows everyone to make the trip and work around a busy work schedule if they choose too. It will be intesting to see if they are willing to make the trip. If your husband makes the trip please be sure it is with your full blessings,

So if he is available on specific days and works so much, he should have a little extra cash flow and be able to travel too right? I would suggest that he come and visit you guys instead of you going there. How does your husband feel about his father's proposal? If he is all for going to see his dad, then I agree with PP, send him and some pictures and you and the boy stay home. If your hubby isn't so keen on the idea either, then suggest the alternitive to him and then let him decide. Personally, it sounds a bit selfish to me for FIL to expect you to come there knowing that school is so close. He has small children so he must realize this right? I wouldn't be going anywhere.

Bless your husband. Lego camp and the first week of Kindergarten just are not very important in the grand scheme of things. Your son will have a blast with his uncles (?). Your husband will be so blessed that you consider him and his needs/wants above all else. This situation should not even give you a second thought. Honor your husband. It's a good habit to get into. :)

Hi L.,
I would ask your FIL if there is any other time you can visit him. I would let him know that you already enrolled your son in a camp and you don't want him to miss out on it. Being that your FIL has a new family which consists of young boys I can't imagine that he is away from that much that there is not another time you guys can come out. I do think you need to support your husband by being there with him. He needs your support because of the obvious dysfunction that precedes his relationship with his dad. I hope your husband understands the situation in its entirety. If he doesn't mind goign by himself then I guess you should let him, but make sure he isn't just saying he doesn't mind when in actuality he does. This would cause resentment later in the marriage and just more problems,
D.

It sounds like FIL has not always made time for your husband, but he has now. Take the high road and go. That relationship is more important than the first week of kindergarden or lego camp. If you pull that than your no better than the FIL. My kids can bounce back from a trip in one nights sleep. Kids aren't that fragile.

So what is going on with the FIL that its ok now to visit. Usually an illness will prompt this kind of request. If it were me, I would just go and visit. Your son will survive going to Kindergarten tired. Most 5 year olds have the Energizer Bunny in them anyway. Camp will always be there. This is your husbands dad, he has not seen in many years. I am sure your husband want to go see him, even if his dad has been distant. Time to support your husband and go with him, show your FIL how wonderful your son is. Enjoy this time with FIL. Your son is 5 years old and how many other chances will he get to see him. Sometimes in life our plans change. Things come up that have to be dealt with.

L.,

I'm with Page....family first. This sounds like its important to your husband. The Lego camp will always be there...grandpa/dad will not.

Blessings....

Hello L., I am going to answer this not only as the mother of 5 but as a child that hasn't spent time with her father for many years for several resons.
We have over the years hit Disneyland days before school starts your son is much more resealient than you give him credit for.
As for leggo camp--- a visit withhis Grandfather is forever and a game camp can be reschedualed anytime. So drop that excuse.
As a wife your husband needs you to be on his side if it is important to him. It really does not have to make a bit of sence to you-- and I mean that literally. Think ahead to your own child and you if the situation was changed wouldn't you want him to make the sacrifice to spend a moment in time with you???
My own father started a new family and had children the same age as my own so it was interesting but my husband just said kids are kids and let them be friends and not try to confuse them with me as a sibling -- it was the best advice he could have given me. So your husbnd can put into perspective all that he needs to between his father and himself. It will be important to give him the chance to get pictures of your child with him and his father as well.
I can promise you that a 5-6 yo and an 8-9 year old will play together just fine. I see our cousins that hardly know one another do it on the 3 visits a year they have. So I suggest that you set aside your hard feelings, worry for the inconvience and support your husband and enjoy the trip your husband will appreciate it forever. Nana Glenda

Hmmm..I would probably just send your husband and here's why: This has trip- from -hell written all over it. You are already going to be stressed b/c of the start of school (this is always a crazy time) and you will also be a little resentful that you have to do this so any little thing that goes wrong or any little slight, either perceived or real, will be HUGE for you. I know it would for me. And with nobody seeing eachother for that long and going into your FIL's world I would think there would be much opportunity for problems. Not to mention flying across country and all the stress that is involved in that.

I do think that you guys all need to go out there but just at a different time. The ideal situation would be to go sometime earlier in the summer.

I would tell your husband to go by himself and enjoy this time with his father alone. They can bond together and talk more easily with out the whole family there. I would stay home with the kids and make the transation into kindergarten as easy as possible. Entering kindergarten is huge for a lot of kids.

Good luck

Hi, what is the issue - that you can't recover the money if you withdraw your son from lego camp? Also young boys have plenty of energy so I doubt he will be too tired to enjoy his first week of kindergarten. And so what if he is? Is his first week of kindergarten more important than his always-busy grandfather?

As far as school goes, it's only kindergarten. I don't think missing a week or your son being a little tired when he gets back is a big deal, for a special family get-together.

Any way you can change the week of the Lego camp or get a refund? Overall, if this trip is important to your husband, I think it should trump Lego camp. Family is more important.

I'm going to go against the advice of other of taking the high road or what not. I do like the suggestion that your husband go alone.
You already have plans both with the camp and the first day of school. I have to say the first day of kindergarten may not mean much to others but I know I would never miss it and I made sure my kids had a good night's sleep the night before. I took several pictures of that day and very glad I sent well rested kids to school that day.
Now the reason I say send your husband by himself is I have watched my husband struggle for years to have a a relationship with his father. A lot of times I made sure we gave up on other things we had planned so we could go see his father. Not once has his father come to see us. It has always been us having to go to him on his schedule.
To me it seems like your FIL only has an interest when it is good for him and even then it seems like you and your husband are doing all the work to maintain the relationship. I know it is hard to watch someone want a relationship with a parent and the parent shows so little interest. I hurt for my husband a lot thanks to his father and so I don't try anymore for his father. If he wants a relationship with my husband then he needs to make the time and effort and I say the same about your FIL.

Hi L.,

Academics and camp can be enjoyed anytime. School days can be caught up on. Your son is young and will probably remember visiting his grandfather and cherish it. I missed my first 3 months of kindergarten for family stuff and that didn't affect my enjoyment of school or the friendships I made there. If your FIL had been destructive in the relationship I might have a different idea, but it sounds like to me he would like to include you in his life. I'd jump on the opportunity!

God bless,

M.

On the one hand, I say you should all go, it's Kindergarten, they're not going to do much the first week. Yes, being tired may make the transition a little more difficult on your son, but he should recover quickly.

On the other hand, will you be flying from CA to FL just for ONE day, not counting flying time? That is a huge amount of traveling for very little payoff.

I would probably go, as I think it is important for your husband to see his father and your son to see his grandfather. Maybe grandad is having trouble admitting he IS a grandad since he has 2 kids barely older than your son and being a grandfather would make him OLD. Then, while there, I would try to bring up that your son would really like to spend more time with his grandfather and that it would be better if the next trip could be a little longer. Maybe he and the kids could come visit you for a week during one of their school vacations, or you could spend Christmas or another holiday there, etc.

This will all be tough to schedule with kids and all their activities, but if you really want them to have time together, both sides are going to have to give a little - which may affect holiday routines occasionally or taking a vacation to spend time with family instead of going somewhere you would like to go or his dad would like to go with his new family. Make sure you don't do all the compromising, but if you really want family time, you will have to do some.

We took a last-minute vacation before kindergarten started last year and it was heartbreaking to see our son struggle through his first week. We came home 3hrs ahead of ourselves which meant he was starting his first day of school at what felt like 5:30am. We only had two mornings on "home time" before school started. It was clearly not enough time to make the transition and every day in kindergarten was too much to add to an overtired kiddo :< Offer to fly in earlier and leave with enough time for everyone to get resettled at home before the school year starts. If your hubby wants to stay longer on his own then support that - but have resources set up at home for assisting your recovery from the trip and transition into the new school year. Don't worry about missing lego camp... just make sure you bring the new "uncles" a gift of legos and the three of them can have impromptu mini-camps :)

I would definitely go to see the father-in-law. Even though it sounds like he is making it difficult and maybe being a bit selfish and controlling in this situation, remember that the Lego camp will be there later. My advice would be to dis-enroll your son from the Lego camp and plan to do that at another time. Go see your FIL and have as much fun as you can. Your son will do fine in Kindergarten. He won't be the only child in the class who has had a hectic few days just prior to school starting. People tend to get in those last minute summer vacation days, so many children start school a bit tired for the first week. I think teachers realize this. Besides, Kindergarten isn't a heavy academic class, but more of an introduction to school and getting the children socially ready for the learning processes of the higher grades.