How to Tell 8 Year Old About Her Natural Father

Now that she is asking, she is ready. Explain that mommy's and daddy's have to make decision they feel will protect the kids and you guys felt that the time wasn't right until now. I wouldn't say that the birth father doesn't want to be involved. I would say he wasn't ready to be the kind of father that she deserved. You don't know how to get in touch with him. Have converstation about appropriate limits with her paternal grandmother if you let her be a part of your daughters life, i.e. the grandmother can not discuss the bio dad. My dad lived 30 miles from me growing up, and rarely came to visit us. I wondered about him and I'm sure your daughter does too. And try not to be hurt if she tries to find him. With the internet, he could be a few clicks away.

Hi there,
I haven't been on your side of the situation i was actually the kid in it. When my mom and dad got married i was only 1 and my dad adopted me. For many years i never even knew any different until i was around your daughters age now. What my mom did is first had my grandma there at the house because she is the one i was closest to and a very good support for me. Then my mother and i went for a ride and parked in a parking lot. That is where she explained to me that the dad i always knew is not my bio-dad. At first i was so sad and lost and i cryed and cryed but in all that time my mom made sure i understood that i could ask her anything. She even
brought a long a photo album with a picture or two or him in it. I kinda felt like my whole world that i always knew had been turned upside down but i also knew that my dad (adopted) loved me and always will and never would look at me any different then any of there other kids and it was a big comfort knowing that I had and have the only dad i have every really wanted or needed. Now i am older and married with kids myself i do have questions about my bio-dad health and family back ground but still don't want anything else to do with him. Oh and the grandma thing she was at the house when we got back and was there to comfort me and just make me feel better in only the way she knows how.
I hope this is some help. But i wouldn't wait any longer like you said it would be harder on her and just be honest
Good luck
J.

I suggest you look to the Adoptive Families website forum and search something like "birthfather".

I know your daughter was not adopted, but some situations are similar. We started getting the magazine after adopting son #1 and I was surprised at how much advice was relevant to how we communicated with (bio) son #1 about his brother's complicated history. Just a thought. Here is the link:
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/

Please, please, please talk with her about this right away. My husband was told his whole life his step dad was his real dad and he figured out when he was 16 that his step dad was not his real dad and resents both his mom and step dad for lying to him. He does not speak to either of them now.
I have a 6 year old daughter, I started dating my husband when she was 1. Her biological father is still part of her life (every other weekend) but to her, my husband is her real Daddy. I just told her that when she was born, God gave her to me and her "other dad" (that's what she calls her biological father) but when I met Daddy (my husband), that he loved her so much that he became her Daddy too.
If her biological father does not want anything to do with her, I would ask him to sign over rights and have your husband adopt her. She might feel a little out of place when first finding out your husband is not her biological father but she'll get over that. My dad adopted my sister, her bio dad didn't want anything to do with her either, and they had a wonderful relationship. He did not treat her any different than the rest of us kids.
If she asks to see him, maybe you can just let her know you don't know how to reach him at this time, maybe one day she'll get to meet him.
Good luck, I know this is very hard.

I think your husband should adopt her. It sounds to me he's the real father!

Yes, I would use the "two daddies" language which is something she may understand. Explain to her that she's really lucky because she had a birth daddy who helped her be created and her daddy she lives with. My sis adopted a four year old girl and had to explain to her that she has two mommies - a birth mommy who carried her in her tummy and my sister. She explains it that her mommy couldn't give her everything she needed so she let her be adopted by my sister. Fortunately in my family - my sister and I were adopted by my dad when we were toddlers (my bio dad and mom were both remarrying and agreed that we should be raised by my adopted dad - I never met my bio dad until I was in my 20s), so her daughter knows that we have two daddies, too - makes it not as uncommon. I would maybe let her know about all the other families that have two daddies or mommies - families with step parents or who have adopted children. You might want to by some books that talk about different families. Be age appropriate and you'll gradually reveal more details in a positive way as she's able to handle on it. Never say anything revealing that her dad didn't WANT to see her - she'll understand that when she's ready/older. Let her know he couldn't be a daddy, so God was really nice and brought her another daddy - something to that effect.

I think since she is noticing the name difference, it's time to reveal the truth. Google "books about explaining absent fathers" and you
ll see some good suggestions.
You can also explain how lots of families are different--O. mommy, a dad and a grandma, etc.
Why not put this all to rest, ask the bio dad to terminate rights and have your husband adopt her now?