How to Tell My New Beau My Tubes Are Tied?

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I wouldn't tell him my tubes were tied at this point. I would tell him I'm done having kids. This is something you should have told him WWWAAAAAAAYYYY before now.

If he's looking for a long term relationship, possible marriage and kids?? You should have told him A LONG time ago you were done having kids. That's MY opinion.

Good luck!

In all of this on-line dating and getting closer, you haven't shared you were done having kids?? I don't think this one is goin' the distance, folks!! You haven't trusted him enough to tell him, especially when he has continually talked about it?? You have had SEVERAL opportunities to tell him, yet you continue to LIE to him. Yes, LIE. You haven't told him you were done having babies , even after him telling you he wants kids...that's wrong.

Is the issue that your tubes are tied or that you don't want any more kids? Two different conversations. Conversation 1- just so you know, I am open to having more kids, but the had my tubes tied after my second so it would be a challenge. There is always IVF, adoption, etc, but I wanted you to know it won't be simple. Conversation 2- I have two great kids that I adore, but I am not interested in having any more. I need to know if that is a deal breaker for you before we go further with this.

I would just be blunt and tell him. Since he is older it sounds like he is looking to settle down and start a family soon. I wouldn't wait on something like this, like you said you don't want him to feel resentful if you never say anything.

Wouldn't you want to know something big before getting serious in a relationship?

Ladies, she said they have been talking online for about a month so that to me is a part of courting.

You should at least tell him you are done having children. Honestly, I think you should have mentioned this fact before to him. It will either be a deal breaker for him or not. I just hope if you don't tell him you had a tubal litigation he isn't one of those guys that thinks he can change your mind.

Also, IMHO, I think you should have told him a month ago you weren't having any more children. Personally, I would have been really mad if I was dating a guy who had a vasectomy and he didn't tell me right up front. I wouldn't have dated him once I knew I wanted to get married and have a family. (It is one thing if you get married and find out your partner is sterile due to natural causes)

It sounds like this is something important to him. Next time kids are brought up in any context, you can say, Yes, kids are great, but my 2 are enough for me. I'm done.

If he stops seeing you for that reason, then you've dodged a bullet. For a long term relationship, you want a partner, not someone who sees your main purpose as being a vehicle to produce his kids.

Not sure how this subject has been brought up "several times" as you have literally only gone on one date, but hey, if he keeps bringing it up (especially this early on) you owe it to him to BE HONEST.

Just say it. If it is a big deal to him, he will not keep dating. Don't drag it out.

I tended to ignore a lot of dating advice after my divorce but one piece I felt was valid was dump a guy like a hot potato who mentioned marriage and kids over and over while you are still just talking online. I am assuming you met through a dating site since you said you have been talking online and just went on your first date. If you just met online though some message board, run.

That you are not seeing these red flags kind of makes you look desperate.

I have been remarried for five years, I was divorced four years before I met my husband. Dating these days, especially when you are older, is nothing like dating your first go around. They judge you on odd things and there are odd things you need to judge others by.

By the way, I have four kids, my husband none. He wanted a kid when we met but after dating for a while and seeing first hand that kids aren't just family dinners and baseball, he decided four kids is just fine.

"Scott, before we plan a 2nd date, there's something I should tell you......."

It seems to me this sort of conversation takes place over a long period of time (courting) and in the process you make decisions about marriage and family and your collective future.
Taking about this on a second date is WAY premature.
You have no idea you'll be together 6 months from now let alone marry the guy.
You also have no idea what sort of a father he'll be to your kids.
If having more kids is in your future, you can try to have the ligation reversed or do IVF.
Can't you just date for awhile and have some fun with no pressure from the thought of 'where is this relationship going'?

Well, what about you? Are you interested in dating a guy who wants more kids? It goes both ways.

If it were me, and I was dating again after a hard 6 years of being single raising my family on my own - I'd be looking for a good match for me and my family.

He doesn't sound to be it. He wants kids. That means having babies.

I would just mention it next time he brings it up - say "I'm not interested in having more children". I wouldn't get into specifics (tubes tied) until he hear what he has to say. If he's got zero interest any more, there's your answer.

If on the other hand, you think there is a chance that you might want more children with the right match/guy (however you were to go about it, adoption, etc.) then say you're not sure at this point if you want more children.

Start there. See how he responds. But if he's asking because he needs to know, I think you owe it to him (and yourself) to be honest and upfront.

Good luck :)

I agree that your instincts are right in that you need to address this potential issue. I've always contended that the worst thing you can do to someone while dating is waste their time. Time is not something anyone can ever get back. If this guy has goals that you don't share then you are wasting his time. Further it is harmful and kinda cruel to date under false pretenses.

I completely understand the insecurity one may hold when facing the dating landscape. It is fraught with all sorts of emotional landmines. However, as others have pointed out dating someone under misrepresentations because you're insecure is not a good way to go. It benefits no one and makes all parties involved miserable. I can't imagine that you think this is fun right now.

I agree with the other posters. Be honest and direct about it. If you've met through one of those dating sites this item should have been part of your profile. Update your profile to reflect who you really are. You don't have to say you've had your tubes tied but you might want to do yourself a favor and say "no more kids". This way you will match-up with like-minded. The added benefit is that you don't have to stress about maintaining faslehoods. Dating can be an absolute blast if you're you and you're honest. Good luck! AND have fun :)

Are you new to dating? It sounds like it. You've had one date, are working on the 2nd, and already you "don't want to lose him" and you're talking about children? And what does it mean that he "wants them or at least the possibility of them"? Does it mean he's open to discussing children? That he only wants a woman who is fertile even if he doesn't plan to use that feature? Sort of odd. Maybe I don't understand dating profiles.

The only way this stuff should come up at the get-go is if it's a deal-breaker for one of the parties. You decided years ago that you didn't want any more children no matter what (at least that question should have been asked in your pre-surgery counseling). If he put it on his profile that he wants kids, then you should not have agreed to the date.

Otherwise, if this is a discussion that people should have when they are looking to become committed. Your on line and in person interactions should have a lot more to do with shared likes/dislikes, entertainment and so on, then you work up politics, religion and so on. If 2 people are committed and compatible in other areas, they can work out these other things. The main thing is to decide what your priorities are and for him to decide what his are. If he has not said that he absolutely wants kids and doesn't want to even consider dating anyone who can't have them or doesn't want them, then I would think the subject wouldn't even come up.

Maybe that's just me or maybe there's more info you haven't shared that would clarify the situation for me.

One date and emails is not quite enough to determine that this guy is a 'genuinely nice guy.' Next time you see him steer the conversation towards children and just be honest with him. If he really is a great guy then it won't be a problem. Good Luck!

The next time he brings it up, you owe it to him to be direct.
Communicating online does sometimes allow people to open up more quickly about their hopes and dreams, and it also puts people in a vulnerable place of trusting someone they don't really know.

You both need to be straightforward with each other if there is any hope for a future relationship. I understand that you are shy about it-- this might very well be a deal-breaker for him. But do you want to continue further down a path with someone who wants entirely different things than you might? Be honest with yourself and him.

Ultimately, though, to that end, you don't even really KNOW this guy. Don't even think about bringing him into your children's life without a lot of dating beforehand and definitely some very, very honest conversations about this.

The next time you talk to him, "Oh, by the way, my tubes are tied. Do you still want to date me?"

I can't think of any better way to tell him than by being absolutely direct, right away. There's no fancy way to say this that is going to make a difference if he really wants kids. You should have mentioned it the very first time he told you he wanted a family. If you know someone wants to have kids, and you can't have them, why did you prolong the dating?

No matter how much you like this guy, the two of you are either a good match, or you're not. Being a good match with someone means, in part, that you have the same goals in common. No point in prolonging something that ultimately can't work out, because the two of you have different goals.

I am not sure how you meet him online. I thought most online dating sites have you fill out information stating if you kids and such.

If he keeps on bringing it up, well there is you opportunity to let him know. You don't have to say your tubes are tied on your second date, but you can say you are not having more children.

Do YOU want more kids with THIS man?

If no, then you need to be honest about that, and let him know your tubes are tied. Let him choose.

If YES, then perhaps look at the medical technology available and if it would be possible for you to have them re-opened, or for IVF since your ovaries are still working.

I only see this as a no-go if YOU don't want kids at all. Medical technology may be able to circumvent the tube-closure situation.

WebMD gives some info. Talk to your ob/gyn:
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/t...

Does he only want kids if they have his DNA? Or would he be willing to adopt?
I would just tell him flat out, "If kids with your DNA are a deal breaker for you, then we need to end this now, because I've been fixed."

If you have any interest in having a child with him there are ways to do that where your tubes are skipped. You know that right?

This might be a question you can make an appointment with your OB/GYN to talk about.

My tubes were scarred from Endemetriosis and I couldn't get an egg down them. The doc talked to us about in-vitro and gift and several options. We decided we didn't want to do all that so we didn't have kids. I have a daughter from my first marriage and she has 7 kids and I am raising some of them.

THEN, then once you have the final say from the doc you can sit down with this guy and have an open conversation with him.

"Guy, I would like to take a few minutes to sit down and talk about something. When I had sweetie pie #2 I had my tubes tied because we didn't want to have more kids. I know it's important to you to have kids and I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and talked to them about this, to see if I had any options of getting pregnant.

Glad to say that the doc said there are options for me to have another child."

Then talk about the options the doc said. Hopefully there are ovaries and a healthy uterus for a baby to grow in.

If he's a good worker and has good insurance or you have good insurance you can both look into what they'll cover as to helping you get pregnant. I think most of the time you have to save up and pay cash for things like this on your own though.

To say it again, talk to your doc to find out if there are any options for you to get pregnant. You have all the parts they're just not connected anymore. That's an easy fix if you really want to have a baby or two or three more....lol.

Then find out what part, if any, your own health insurance will cover. So you can have as many details as possible.

Then sit down and talk to him about it. If you can't possibly carry a child due to health issues or you just don't want to I think you do have to be completely honest with him. He deserves to make that decision now, before his heart is involved more. If he really really wants to have children of his own he should be able to have that. If he gives that up he might be perfectly happy with your kids and having a family together. Then he might not be able to accept that.

But cover your bases first to see if a pregnancy is even possible.

starting a relationship with a bait and switch, even an inadvertant one, is never a good idea. if he's a mature adult he'll engage in an adult conversation about it. based on your post, i agree this conversation should be face to face but i don't think you should wait for him to broach the topic and you should bring it up sooner rather than later.

also, is it that you don't want to be pregnant? or that you don't want any more children period. I may have missed that nuance and it's an imporant one that should be part of the conversation. I've found the difficult conversations are always more successful when broached from a place of empathy. convey that you're putting yourself in his shoes and this is the conclusion you've come to because you want to be considerate of him and get all the information possible before moving forward.

I'm sorry to hear of the slim pickins' out there. This will give him an opportunity to show you his true colors. wishing you all the best!! S.