Hurt by Friend

First of all, I think you should ask specifically for what you want. For instance, "Hi, Suzy, I'm going through a really rough time and could really use some time to just breathe. Would you like to have a girl day? Maybe we could get a mani-pedi and just talk."

Give her a chance to come through. Some people aren't very intuitive and need to be given cues. If she shoots you down, chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on.

I think she is a fair weather friend. When things are good, she's your friend. If things become difficult for you or she is wanted in any significant way, she can't be found.

I'd just accept this about her and turn her into a pleasant acquaintance. No longer go out of your way for her, stop calling her. If she calls, let the machine get it and call her back when it's convenient for you, if you want - don't drop anything for her anymore, and don't ask anything of her anymore. They clearly don't want to be too involved, and nor should you.

People will tell you how they feel about you by how they act, not what they say. I would expect a good friend to offer you a ride somewhere, if your car was not able to be jumped - not leave you to your own divices. These are not friends, and you should stop thinking of them in that way.

Over time, you find out things about people. You have found out something about this friend. Unfortunately, she will not be the kind of friend you can really talk to during tough times.

I know it's hard to feel like you have one type of friend, and find out she is really another type. Now you will just have to find a way to put her in a new category of friend. Maybe she will be the kind of friend you go to a movie with, but not the kind you share deep feelings with.

I know, I have had this same experience, so I know how hard it is. It does hurt.

My Mom was on hospice most of last year and passed in December. I totally understand what you are going through. Even my kids didn't help a lot. Because Mom was home with me I went many nights with no sleep. I couldn't leave the house even to mow the lawn unless someone else was here. Many of my friends never called or went to the funeral, sent cards or flowers.

SIMPLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT people. Even an email would be nice.

I am always the friend who is there for people. What do you need? How can I help? I will even help someone move without a complaint because I know what a pain it is. I do not and can not understand how a person who says they are a friend would abandon anyone when they really need you.

It's simple they are not your friend.

She sounds like the type of person who always needs the attention on herself. I know a few people like this. Its frustrating to try to be friends with someone like this. Nothing is ever about you, its all about them.

My MIL died last Nov after a 10 year battle with Alzheimer's. I know what you are going through. Its heart wrenching to watch. I am so sorry that you feel let down by this friend. I agree that she should at least ask you about your mother. Its time to distance yourself from her. She is not the type of person you need around you at this time. I would stop talking to her and revisit the friendship after your life is a little less complicated.

Good luck and hang in there. My prayers are with you and your mother.

She doesn't sound very compassionate or intuitive....Time really to either tell her what you need from her as far as support and encouragement or realy on someone else. This is very hard and I am sorry you are going through this.

She really is not a good friend and you are completely justified in feeling this way. Keep her around because she is a neighbor and because you may have a good time or two with her. Do NOT keep her around for a real friendship because she is not capapble of that. People that put themselves first above all else just are not. Once you realize this and let go of your expectations you will be ok with having her as a social friend.

You know it's funny you should post this. I have two dear friends. One I have known forever, and one the past 8 years. The one I have known forever is my go to person. She drops everything, and I mean everything, to help me when I need it, by doing real stuff. She picks my son up from school or drops him off. She runs errands for me, she is a go getter and never questions or expects anything in return. However, if I went to her crying about something, she wouldn't hug me. She wouldn't let me sulk, and she wouldn't give me sympathy. She would listen, and then swear at me and tell me to buck up and keep on trucking. She is like a sister to me, but I just know that she is like the football coach friend who just doesn't let you dwell and would more likely throw ice water on your head than let you put your head on her shoulder. But I don't know anyone who would drop everything to take care of me like she would. I figured that out about her when we were about 17 years old, and 20 years later, it's still true.

My other friend would let me eat ice cream on her couch for a week. Give me a tear bucket. Ask me how my childhood was. Write me a poem. Total and complete estrogen fest. I love her for that, and I am glad I have her when I need that.

Your neighbors husband was being lazy. But your neighbor emailed you back and acknowledged your mom's sickness and that everything was happening all at once. That was the best she could do. The question is whether or not you are okay with having a friend like that. Maybe she is more of a good acquaintence when you think about it. Some people just aren't equipped. And right now, you need a lot of emotional support and you literally need a hug and that's expected. Get your friends who are affectionate and surround yourself. You will need it.

My grandmother has Alzheimers and is in a home now. When I call her I get so nervous about what she is going to be sound like. She lives out of state so it's hard to see her. I can only imagine what it's like for you and I am so sorry but know that she is so fortunate to have you to be with her and she obviously raised you to be a wonderful and caring daughter and mother yourself.

xoxoxoxo
A.

I would feel the same way that you do. No, you are not looking for sympathy, just acknowlegement that you are going through a tough time.

The car jump start? That was unwillingness to help by her husband. I wouldn't put that on your friend. But everything else shows a severe lack of empathy. It's surprising that she has gone through the death of her own father (with your friendship and support) and has no idea how to be supportive of you with your mother's Alzheimers.

Some people are just really weird about the subject of death. Like acknowleging it confirms their own mortality. This friend of yours sounds like a deeply flawed individual who has shown you her lack of compassion and emotional strength during your time of need. She is not the good friend that you would like her to be.

You are not being too sensitive. You are grieving the loss of someone you thought was a good friend, and you are suffering the agonizingly slow loss of your mother. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

I understand your hurt. Your mom has a terrible disease that strips away the beloved's personality and memories of us, those who love them. It's horrid in a way that strictly physical disease isn't.

But please cut the neighbor a little slack here and try to be even a little objective. There are so many of us who do not know what to do or say in the face of illness -- especially grave, long-term illness. She very possibly, I'd say probably, feels terrible for you but is terrified of saying or doing anything else to add to your pain. She truly may fear, "If I talk about it or encourage L. to share her feelings it would hurt her more, so I'll just act normal and if L. wants to talk she will, but I won't bring it up."

Please know that this is how many, many folks cope when someone who's a friend has troubles. They think that keeping up normalcy is the best way to help that friend, even if they're not right and the friend would rather hear sympathetic things or share news about the loved one. This woman may be thinking of you and your mom much more than you realize, and would possibly be deeply shocked and upset to realize that you feel your friendship is over because of her supposed lack of caring.

She really may care, but may be totally at a loss about how to show it.

Please give her the benefit of the doubt here. I know what you're going through because when my mom was in a nursing home and fading there were friends of hers -- and her own sister -- who didn't visit or who said little. But I know they were thinking of her and I know they were of a generation that does not want to "get in the family's way" or "upset folks by talking about it" despite their own feelings. Even if your friend is of your generation and not your mom's, she may feel like that. It depends a lot on how folks were raised, how much they do or don't show emotion, and whether they feel keeping things "normal" is vital.

Please go to her and just say, "I know we have not talked about my mom but I'd really like to share with you."

The thing with the car? More in your own mind than related to this issue.

This sounds like my mom's friendship with her neighbor. They are no longer friends. Her ex-friend was the same as your neighbor/friend. Everything in her life was a crisis and everything my mom went through was minimal. We all couldn't stand it.

Your "friend" is not a friend and I'd cut your losses with her and move on.

I am so sorry about what you are going through with your mother. I have a gentleman at my church with alzheimers and it is terrible to watch. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me!

you are a giver. You are a nurturer.

she is not. Please don't judge her by your standards. What comes easily for you, may never/ever occur to her. This does not make her a bad person. It simply means that her makeup is different from yours.

19 years ago, I lost my daughter. All of the families in our group of friends coordinated their efforts in helping us. The ones who were closer....spent more time with us, physically & emotionally helping us more. It was a spiritual gift from them. At the same time, I knew all of our friends were behind us....supporting us. We were blessed, then & now.

Last week, my all-time best friend was placing judgment on her daughter for giving too much time/soul to her own best friend who'd just lost a child. My friend was genuinely horrified at the extent which her daughter was helping. I, on the other hand, applauded her daughter's actions.

The following day, my friend was in a horrible mood & asked me if I found her lacking in sympathy/empathy. I was shocked! OMG...she took her own feelings about her daughter & had flipped them onto my loss 19 years ago! She actually apologized for not being a "good friend". I blasted her for being so hard on herself! I have never found her lacking.

(sigh) Oh, how we set ourselves up to feel emotions which can be avoided. & that brings me back to you: the only fault I find is that your friend/her husband did not help you with your car. Their response was totally bogus, but if they're not "helpers"....then that's who they are & should not be judged for it.

I understand that you need more. Please find this in someone else. Learn to accept your friend for who she is....the very fact that she lost her own parent 2 years ago....may very well be the reason why she's remaining distant from you. Your needs are possibly opening her own wounded heart, & she cannot relive that heartache again. Peace.

Shes not very nice. Stop analyzing, you have the proof, the more you look for "clues" the more it makes you look needy and like you're holding grudges (I KNOW this isn't the case, but the victim gets the blame all too often in these scenarios when you start asking around)

I have an "aloof" friend like this as well. I can't count how many "desperate" vent emails about crisis she has ignored, or how coolly she has "listened" at times when I would have been much more attentive and caring to a friend telling me the same thing. But you know what? I know she's like that. So when I really need a kind, caring friend, I reach out to different friends. One day she my be aloof just one too many times and I'll cut her loose, but for now, our friendship has other good traits.

This lady in your post sounds aloof and selfish by nature. I'm validating that for you :) Try not to let it hurt your feelings. Back off from her a bit, and don't treat her better than she treats you.

L.:

I'm sorry about your mom...Alzheimer's is horrible.

I'm sorry about your minivan trouble's too. Obviously your friend and her husband have NO CLUE about cars.

Your "friend" does not handle emotion - that's what it sounds like to me. She does NOT KNOW HOW to sympathize nor does she understand the emotional toll Alheimer's takes on families. That is obvious by her e-mail and lack of calling to check in. Although some people don't want to get in other people's faces about a loved one...

I would say this - she's emotionally not there...so if you are looking to her for EMOTIONAL support? You won't get it. She is emotionally vacant to other people's needs and it shows.

If you are looking for support from her, in general, it doesn't sound like you will get it. That someone would be so ignorant as to say "a small car can't jump a minivan"??? that just shows how ignorant they are.

She is emotionally vacant. If you need a friend with emotion, sympathy and caring? She's not it. I would most likely cut back on my time with her and find a new friend.

I'm really sorry about your mom, son, financial problems and car....it sucks when it all happens at once. It will work out. I am truly sorry about your mom and everything else!!

So sorry about all you are going through with your mother. How heart wrenching! This neighbor sounds self centered. I would try and emotionally disengage from her. She is not worth the energy. Focus on what builds you up and try to remove any expectations with her. Take care!

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this right now. My BIL's mother died last year from Alzheimer's and the two years prior were indescribably difficult on the whole family. His mother was an integral part of our family (he was an only child) and unless you have gone through this with a loved one, it is simply impossible to understand the impact, let alone experience genuine empathy for the survivors. Most people think of Alzheimer's in the "Hollywood" way, they don't know the physical/medical impact of the disease. Please know that my thoughts are with you.

As for your neighbor, my guess is that:
1. She doesn't deal well with emotions and you are highly emotional right now.
2. You consider her to be a better friend than she considers you to be.

Let it go and focus on keeping your family strong. She's your neighbor, not necessarily your best friend. You may not know what's going on with them right now either. Our neighbor who is very close with us (our children call her Aunt Lynnie and her son calls us Aunt and Uncle) was very distant for several months. We knew that there were problems in their marriage, but she pretty much kept to herself for three months (during which time our daughter was born). When her husband moved out in June no one was surprised, but I was very surprised when she invited me over to dinner and shared with me what had transpired from February on. Initially I was a little hurt that she hadn't come over to see the baby very much, but when I found out what was going on with them I realized that she didn't want to "spew their ugliness" (her words, not mine) onto our happy little family.

Hang in there and take care of yourself too.

I've been through the Alzheimer's thing, so I can understand your devastation. In the face of a situation like yours, some people simply freeze. They don't know what to say or how to act. So they ignore it, thinking vainly that it will keep them from doing or saying the wrong thing.

That's not helpful to you, obviously, but you might want to cut such folks a little slack. Their own emotions are working against their better natures.

All people live in their own little worlds, in the sense that what's going on with them is the most pressing, most overwhelming thing. That makes everyone's emotions clash with everyone else's. I don't know if this woman is the best kind of friend for you right now, but you need to remember that friendship isn't an easy thing. The fact that you were there for her doesn't mean that she is at all able to return the compliment.

What concerns me most is that, from what you've written, you seem to think she owes you. The bitterness is not her problem, but yours. There's a saying that harboring bitterness (unforgiving anger) is like drinking poison and hoping somebody else will die from it. Don't depend on this woman for anything, stay away if you like, but try at least to think charitably of her. She has great burdens of her own. Everybody does.

Everyone reacts to things differently, it doesn't mean they care any more or less. A friend who finds the right words can not mean them just as much as the friend that doesn't.

I lost my mom to Alzheimers last year. I would have reacted to you exactly as your friend did. Well I would have known any can can jump any car but still.

I don't have friends like you, it would drive me nuts. Not because there is anything wrong with you but personality wise, just not a match.

I don't see anything wrong with how your friend has acted, you are expecting too much from her. Still you need more so perhaps you need to evaluate this and she may just be a good neighbor not a good friend.
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After reading your what happened, people react differently. By the time my mom hit hospice she had been dead for two years. Perhaps it is because my dad tried to do it on his own but it was time. What you need would have been totally off putting to me. That is what you need to think about, we give to others what we want others to give to us.

I would have reacted just like your friend, not because I didn't care but because that is how I would have wanted to be treated in your situation. It is human nature, you shouldn't hold that against them. I have found very few people who approach situations like this and ask themselves how do they react in my times of stress and then let that guide them with helping you.

Clearly, this is not a friend. When push comes to shove, you will always know who your friends are in hard times. Regardless of her persopnal feelings on illness, or relating to illness, or perhaps trying to give you personal space. Some people are not comfortable with illness or discussing it. Some people are just ignorant and because it doesn't pertain to them, don't really care. I'd say cut her some slack, but from your previous experience explanation, this is not a friend and clearly never was. Find the strength within yourself, through prayer, or whatever works for you and see yourself through. You have your family and you've got support here on Mamapedia as well. You've got enough going on, you don't need to add her to your list of concerns. Good luck with everything L..

She doesn't sound much like a friend, if you ask me. Sounds like you two are not compatible.

You wanted her to show concern, and she did. She said she was thinking about you. She said it was terrible. She acknowledged, but not in the way YOU wanted or needed. That's not really her fault.

???

I guess I don't see much wrong with her reaction, SHE is not going through what YOU are. Of course, she isn't going to be emotional. maybe, I just relate to her. I am SO not a really emotional person. When something really sad or painful happens to me, I just brush it off and put one foot in front of the other. I really, REALLY can't relate to people who NEED me to be like they are. It seems you need her to be something she's not. That really isn't fair to either of you.

You are mad, because you are sad. She didn't react in the way you expected. YOU want her to ask, yet you describe yourself time and time again, that you are not weepy, or sensitive. She knows you, right? She probably just things you don't NEED all the concern. Those are YOUR expectations, aren't they? She has no idea they exist. You are willing to write off a friend, because she isn't doing what You want her to do? She doesn't know that's what you want!!! When the dust settles, I hope you can realize that this is silly. My grandmother is dying a slow, slow death from the same disease. I know how you feel, and I'm not trying to be callous. I just think, in light of the situation you are in, you can't see that you are making a very big deal out of something small. I realize it FEELS big, but I think in time it won't. I hope you are down a friend, by the time you realize that.

The only thing I can say to compare to your friends reaction is some people no matter how close to they are handle other peoples problems different. Some keep you at arms length, some hold you close.
Here is my experience: My best friend in this world died suddenly one month ago. This was the person I talked to, called, text, email, and hung out with, vented with and had the most laughs with in my whole life. I love her kids and her husband is a total doll. She is now gone at 37 years old. NOW...I have a couple of other friends who I thought I was closer to than what I received as a reaction. I got one email asking me "What happen and when". In a email , I did not answer it because I was so upset and hurt by it. I deserved her to come to my house and hug me and ask what can she do to help. My other friend gave me two phone calls. At first I was so upset and believe me I let them know how I felt because I needed to understand why.
One said nothing to me because she knew a email was so bad to do. The other sat me down and told me she had no words for because of the pain I was in and really just froze. I accepted this because really what choice do I have. I decided people are all different and handle sick and grieving others in different ways.
I am a forgiving person and I do forgive them for not being there when I really needed them. I just look at things a little different now. I taken a step back and only depend on myself and husband. I might feel different in a while.

Sorry about you mom. She may not be good at expressing her feelings and this might be the best she can give. Your expectations (and needs) are not being met in this particular situation, plus you are very emotional, understandably. You need something, she can't give you. Find comfort in other friends and family. You really want her to respond and react in another way. Sorry, she can't or won't. I am hoping this will pass for you. She gave you what she could.

everyone reacts to these situations differently. i'm very sorry that she's not doing so in the way you would, and the way you need her to. but there's really no point in allowing it to hurt you and give you even more to deal with.
she probably does care very much about you, but her coping mechanism isn't of the warm, sympathetic variety. it's just how she's wired. there's no point in being bitter or angry with her over it.
find other friends who can give you the support and empathy you need. this gal can still be a good friend, just not the one you need right now or one who can be of comfort to you in this particular situation. that's okay. not all friends can be all things to all people. let her be herself, and seek out support elsewhere.
i'm so sorry for your mother's illness and for what you're going through now. alzheimer's is a vile, terrible disease. i'm not one bit surprised that you're sensitive right now.
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khairete
S.

I think you need to redefine your relationship w/ this neighbor. She is not really a friend - at least, she is not the kind of friend that you need.

It's can be a difficult process to let go of a friendship and define a new set of expectations for how this person fits into your life. The fact is, she is a neighbor. You want to/should be friendly with her. But expect it to be in an arms length, cordial manner. Don't spend time indulging her in the stories of her life. And by all means, don't open yourself emotionally to her anymore - she's obviously not equipped to be a source of support and comfort.

I'm also in the midst of redefining a friendship and setting new expectations for myself about what this friendship means to me and what I want or can reasonably expect from the relationship. We go back a long way, and I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, but it's not at all the relationship it used to be. And that may be ok. For now. It's been a year long process and it's been very hard. Good luck in your adjustment. Just remember, do not put more into it than you get back from it.

First, let me just say how sorry I am you're going thru this. My Mother had Alzheimer's and it is a vicious vicious disease. My heart breaks for you having to deal with so much at the same time.

As for your neighbor/friend, she sounds a lot like my mother-in-law! Even on the phone, if she calls to ask about my kids, she'll cut me off mid-sentence to tell me about her problems!!! So self-absorbed it doesn't matter what anyone else is going thru or dealing with. She NEVER once called to ask about my Mom - she ended up dying from a massive stroke; or then my Daddy when he was dying 18 months later!! In fact, the only thing she ever did say to me after my Daddy passed - she called about two weeks afterward and says "well, I guess you've had enough time to recover!" SERIOUSLY!!!!! It's been almost two years and I still haven't "recovered"!!!

If I were you, I would just "let it go" - you certainly don't need the added stress of thinking about her plus she sounds like she either can't deal with it, doesn't know what to say or just really doesn't care! As for the car-jumping - that's insane!!

In the future, I would just keep the relationship (if there is one at all) very superficial and leave it at that. And I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for her.

Prayers coming your way!!!

It sounds to me like you are a little hypersensitive right now and they were just doing what most people might do in that situation. They didn't think they could jump your car. It would have been nice if they helped you somehow, especially with your mother's situation, but people are busy with their own lives and unless it's family, you can't always count on them to drop everything.
This is a little off your topic, but you should join AAA autoclub. It's inexpensive and they always come without having to bother anyone with car problems. I use them at least a couple of times per year and I have a reliable car. That way I don't have to bother anyone and they usually are more skilled at fixing cars or towing, etc.
My husband has a parent with Alzheimers and it is really hard, but other people dont know how it really is.

Leave things alone right now....sometimes you just need to know who you can count on and who you can't. This friend may be good for going to coffee, but not good with the hard stuff.

Give her some space.
You want people to ask so you have a chance to share/vent and she doesn't know what to say anymore.
It could be that the situation has brought back a lot of her pain from her father passing away and just can't bring herself to re-live it while you are going through it.
Yeah, it's a little weak on her part.
Forgive her - eventually - but it doesn't have to be right away.
Your feelings about her are a distraction from what is going on.
You are grieving and you need some grief support.
Hospice should be able to put you in touch with a support group.