Husband and I at Odds About Having 3Rd Child...

My suggestion is to "take a year off". Rest. Enjoy each other. Enjoy the kids.

Talk with him about it. Hey hon, you know this is something I really want... but how about we table it for a year?

((To know... I can't have anymore.. even if I want them. And EVERY 2 years, like clockwork, HUGE baby-craving sets in. I blame hormones. It's like being addicted. It's all I can think about. So I forcibly make myself wait it out. -Typically lasts for about 6mo. "Jonesing" for a baby is not how I really want to have another child / start the process of bringing another child into my life.))

Why is your husband against it? Just because of the stress and setting you back from doing stuff again? If you can afford it, I would push the issue, because you are right: it is stressful, but that doesn't last forever.They will be grown before you know it. I would sit down with him one night when neither of you are already tired or stressed over something else and have a discussion. Calmly talk about it and show him your side. Be persuasive and show him the positive. I know this is going to be me in a few years too. My husband is not a baby person. Some people might disagree with me, but if your husband consents, even if he's not happy about it, don't debate with yourself, just take it. It is now or never, (in my opinion I think later pregnancies are too risky). If he is loving, he may be mad on bad days, but he won't be able to regret his little baby boy/girl when he/she smiles at him, etc. But i'm afraid it could cause resentment with you to not be permitted the chance to be able to have a baby. It is a mother thing, guys just don't get it. Good luck.

I wouldn't push this. Be happy where you are with the boys you have and get ready for when you have daughters-in-law way down the road. Honestly you only have a 50% chance of having that girl.

Being 35 may mean all of these feelings to have more children may be your hormones working overtime which is perfectly normal for healthy women and even though the never aspect of this may be making you sick this too may be hormones.

You handle this by being open and honest with your husband. Not just telling him how you feel and what you think but listening to how he feels and what he thinks. While you are having these discussions remember daily to count your blessings without tacking on what you feel you are missing. In the meantime and between time you are setting an example for your boys of the kind of woman you want them to marry and how marrital conflict is pleasantly resolved even if you agree to disagree. Yes I am aware your boys are still very young but many things are caught and not taught. They can feel and sense tension between you and hubby your kids are alive and learning daily.

Don't feel like all is lost because perhaps after a few conversations regarding this matter both of you will have a better understanding of the needs of the other and just give in and find some kind of agreement you both can come to on this.

You'll hear from some on this board, "You'll regret not having more, but never regret if you do!" That's not true! Maybe for some people, but I know many who wish they had stopped at two. Your answer lies in the fact that your husband is 100% against it -and he's 50% of the equation. This isn't the color of a car or whether or not you're getting a dog -you're talking about a baby. He needs to truly be on board! YOU are also not 100% for it. We put a lot of romance around pregnancy, babies and having children in this country, but in reality it's not very romantic. It is expensive, time consuming, sleep-depriving, painful and ultimately the MOST serious decision you will ever make as a human being -the bringing of a life into this world. If you go ahead with this, how are you going to feel and deal with it if you have a special needs child (anything from autism to Down's Syndrome to Cerebral Palsy)? How are you going to feel if your husbands guilt now turns to resentment later?

Your feelings are likely a very common experience with those of us in our late 30s and early 40s. We're coming to the end of our reproductive years, and at the heart of it -biologically -we breed to propagate the species. Society and humans may have changed a lot over the years, but those basic, brain stem urges haven't! I never wanted more than two -until my youngest turned 1. However, I knew -like you do-what all would go into having another and that I really didn't want another one. I urged my husband to get a vasectomy, which he did this past summer, and now the issue is off the table! Whew! Those feelings have also passed -even before he got the vasectomy. We have a great family of 4 now -and we can afford to travel, send them to college, go on vacations (where there's not an "extra" all the time), etc. Sure, if I had another one I would love him/her, but I also know I would feel over-burdened and my husband would REALLY feel pushed to the limit.

Since it sounds like you two enjoy having some kind of life other than just staying home with kids -going out without the kids sometime, etc. I would suggest you be happy with what you have AND a happy husband! Volunteer at a NICU to hold babies or help out in the church nursery if you feel like you want to be close to some babies. Enjoy and be thankful for what you have!

I think you and your husband both need to be in agreement. Maybe sit down and really talk about why you want another one and why he doesn't. Is it the fact he is happy with boys, 3's an odd number, money, etc...

We are sort of going through the same thing. We have two boys, 3 and 20 months. I had always said I wanted 4 (I have no siblings and a really small family). My husband always wanted 2 - 2 boys to be exact. Then after our first was born, I went back to wanting 2. Our first son was extremely difficult and at 3, is still a challenge. Our 2nd son is more textbook so less challenging. We too are at the point where life is a little easier. I'm just weaning my 20 month old from breastfeeding.
We talked about it and my husband is happy with his boys, a 3rd for us would mean needing a bigger car, a bigger house(our house is 1500 sq ft plus half a finished basement), etc...Plus my husband doesn't know if you could handle the stress again, and not sure if could. Not everyone is cut out for having 3 and 4 children, and that's ok too! Having a 2nd didn't change alot, seems a 3rd would.
I'm also 35 and happy the boys are close in age, 2 is a great number as they have each other. I've heard from numerous people who have 3 that it is awkward sometimes with 3 - one child never gets paired with a parent, someone doesn't face someone at dinner table, middle child sometimes feels left out, although not done intentionally, etc... that 4 is a better number. Financially 4 is out of the question for us, 3 maybe? My husband is really against it so I have to say I think we are done. We have 2 healthy boys and the way I look at it, is if I were to get pregnant then it was meant to happen. I currently have an iud.
Wow I feel just like you. Some days I'm so stressed and happy the baby days are over, then I find myself longing for another one. I go back and forth on it. Just be honest and discuss the pros and cons. Things happen for a reason. One thing that does hold me back is money. I know money doesn't buy children happiness but I do want to travel, pay for as much college as possible, etc... and adding another child to that is going to restrict that for us. My husband and I both had childhoods with family vacations, outings, college paid for, etc...we want to give our children the same, more children would mean less of those extras. Children don't need endless amounts of toys and european vacations, but a week of camp, a family vacation to a beach, nice clothes for school, etc... I think are important. We also don't want to spend our whole life raising children. We love our children, but enjoy each other too and now at 35, we can enjoy life with a little less stress.
Everything falls into place, just trust that. It is very hard because what I thought what I wanted at 25 is not what I want at 35. Not even the same as what I wanted at 30. Have a nice open conversation with your husband and let us know how it turns out!!

Women feel that way... because once their youngest child gets older... and not a "baby"... there is a feeling of the "empty nest" syndrome. "Missing" the babyhood of our children. It is a common feeling and "rite of passage" a Mom goes through... 'missing' our kids as babies.

I have felt like that too. You miss your kids being "babies."
Its normal.
BUT for me, I KNOW that it is just a feeling.. .not a real 'want' for another baby. Sure, I could have one... my Hubby wouldn't mind... but it is for me, that I simply 'miss' that my youngest child is now 4 years old and I 'miss' the babyhood of my son.

That does not mean, I then go and have another baby.
I know my feelings for what they are.

Don't make your Hubby feel guilty. It won't work.

You need to know your feelings... succinctly.

I have friends, who have 3 or more kids... because, they were trying for the opposite gender. It did not happen. 2 of my friends, now have THREE boys. (The Moms still long for a 'girl.' Oh well) They are not going to try again. My other friend, has FOUR girls.... trying for a boy. Oh well. They are not going to keep trying...

all the best,
Susan

D.,
I think that you and your husband need to talk and really listen to each others reasons for not wanting another one or wanting another one. I want a total of 3 babies. Right now I only have one baby girl who is the love of my life she is 3 years old. Hubby knows that he wants 2 kids total, but is open about the 3rd one. I know one of my sister in laws has 2 kids and she always wanted another one, she regrets not having that last one, but now its too late for her. I also know my aunt who only had one and said that she would think about it and decide later well she got caught up in life and her career and now regrets not giving her daughter a sibling. Also too late for her. She often cries about this, so I think you both need to talk and listen to each other and come to a conclusion. I have read on here many times, "you will never regret having another baby, but you will regret not having it" Think about it and good luck! I can't wait to be prego with my #2 hopefully by this time next year!

I understand what you're feeling. I think of having a 3rd child often, but I snap myself back to reality and just look at my two lovely girls and appreciate what I do have. My husband is not in the least bit interested in having another child, and I really respect his feelings. I don't want to pressure him to do anything of this magnitude. It should be a mutual agreement. In this day and age, the more kids, the more stress.

I think we often think about another baby, even when we think/know we are done. Don't have another baby just to try to have a girl. Sure, pregnancy is fun and babies are sweet - but you know everything that goes along with them and if you don't think you want to go through that, don't. There is some grieving that goes along with being "done" and okay! However, I also don't know how old you are, you may not need to make this decision now. Kids don't have to be 2 years apart. Reassess in a year or two, and see how the two of you feel then. It may be easier to deal with a newborn when you don't have a toddler, when you have kids in school.

Be happy with the two you have. Having another child is a decision you both have to be 100% sure about and if you both aren't then perhaps it's time to talk to someone or drop it.

you guys need to sit down with each other and come to an agreement. Maybe make a list of pros/cons ahead of time to go over with him, and he can add to the list if needed. Ultimately, I think that the decision lies within the NO though - if you can't BOTH agree to YES, then the answer in my opinion should be NO - what if the situation was reversed and he wanted another and you didn't, how would you feel then. Another child is a big responsiblity and even though it gets easier, the job is forever, and you would not want for your child to sense any kind of feelings that they were not wanted by either one of you and that the other talked them into it against their will......Hope you guys can come to a conclusion. for me it is the more the merrier. We have 4. I would have another, but my husband says he feels like he is done. So, I have haulted! LOL - after we had 2 - I was done and he wanted more....it wasn't wanting any more kids because I was overwhelmed. Then one day I changed my mind. I realize that you feel like you are running out of time, but really lots of people have babies at older ages that are fine. I would speak with your dr. and find out all of the information that you might need to know for future reference, and you could possibly add some of that to your pro/con list.....hope that helped a little bit!

We have 2 boys who are alomst 4 and almost 6(they are under 2 years apart as well) Hubby said he was done after our 2nd was born, but I knew I was not. He was finally ready for the 3rd one after our second turned 3. Well our baby girl is 3 weeks old:) We were too so scared about starting over, but it is not a biggie......it has been great. Yes I am tired and boys have been acting out some, but she is the sweetest little thing I would not have it any other way.( we did not try for a girl though, gender did not really matter) I say go for it!

I have 6 children. Even through the difficult years, we never regretted having another. The short-term sacrifices we make bring generations of blessings. I think we are so short sighted in our decision making. We look at today and never at 10, or even 100 years away.
Having said that, you both need to be in agreement about having another child. You don't want to push your husband into something as important as this if he doesn't want it. It will only lead to heartache and resentment. You don't want to hear "but you wanted this child and I didn't, so you do ______." You need to be in agreement. Obviously the default is no child, which leaves you in disagreement. Of course, that bears its consequences on your husband for your disappointment over not having another child. Although I don't think you should "push" it, I do think you two need to discuss this more. Is your husband willing to hear your heart? Is it only the few months to a year that he is concerned about? Can you figure out a way to be less stressed during those months? What caused so much stress? Were you trying to do too much? It doesn't have to be stressful to a large degree. Did you co-sleep? I have to say that this is the major contributor to me getting good sleep with my infants. They never woke us up at night for more than a few seconds until we both fell back to sleep as they nursed. My husband slept well (he never heard the baby as I was very in tune with their noises and needs). I wore my babies when they were little, enabling me to carry on with my other tasks as needed. I stayed close to home as much as possible, making life that much less complicated. Now, your children are 4 and 2. What is hard to imagine is that next week they will be 14 and 12 (or at least it will feel like next week once you are there!). Will these issues really be an impact? My baby is 4 (and oldest is 18). It blows my mind. We would so much love to have another little one in the house to enjoy. We wait and see what the Lord will do.

This is always tough on couples. I have two kids 9 and 7. I knew when I was pregnant with my son I wouldnt have more kids. I knew I would want more but I knew we didnt need a third. You have to ask yourself what a third child will add to your life that you dont already have. If its having a girl realize that you might have a third boy. Honestly I feel many people have more children simply because they want to have babies once their children start growing up. If you know you wont be happy without a third child then speak with your husband about how to prepare for that child. If you know you are happy and just wonder if you will want a third, then wait. Just my two cents. good luck.

It seems to me if your husband is absolutely, 100% sure he does NOT want another child then you have to respect that. I don't think this is something you should "push." That sounds like bullying. Pushing an issue is like if he was on the fence about it maybe you could "push" him in one direction. But if he is sure, like you said, then leave it alone. I know it seems hard now to let go of your feelings, but if you just appreciate what you have you will get over it in time. What you are feeling is something that most likely you would go through even if you had another child. It just does take time to let it sink in and be okay with knowing that the childbearing and the baby stages are past you now, time to move on and enjoy life with the beautiful family you have!!

We just had baby #3 and had the same discussion before we conceived him. We went back and forth for all the same reasons! We obviously decided to go for it and are very happy we did. Now we are done! Another poster advised against it if you want a different gender--in your case a girl. I AGREE!! We had 2 boys and wanted a 3rd child--really didn't matter--and we got another boy. My best friend was in the same boat and had her 3rd girl. I think if you have 2 of the same you chance for a 3rd of the same is like 70%.