My husband and I just had our first child together. She is 7 weeks old. He has a 11yr old already that He isn't heavily involved with (we see her about 3-4 times a year for about a week each time). Ever since we brought our daughter home, he has been non existent. He doesn't help with her at all, unless I specifically ask him to do something. I know that this may be an adjustment for him and he may not understand how to take care of a newborn, but I thought he would be more involved. He is never home and leaves directly from work to go to his friends house or his older brothers house. He spends the entire night there (4pm-10pm) then comes home and goes to bed. On weekends, he usually wakes up, is around the house for a couple hours max and then promptly goes to his friends house and doesn't come back for 6+ hours. It's worth mentioning that he smokes weed with these people and I don't allow it in our home or around our daughter. This was also an issue the entire time I was pregnant as smoking weed was a new development and before we got married he made it clear that he was no longer smoking (I don't like smoking and don't do.it myself).
It's like pulling teeth to get him to stay at home. He has no interest in spending time with me, or our daughter. I have discussed this with him several times but nothing has changed. Is this an adjustment phase or should I be worried about his behavior. I want a husband, but more importantly I want my daughter to have a father that is present.
What about his relationship with his other child indicated to you that he would be an involved parent? At this point you have some choices to make, namely how much you are willing to put up with if you are basically a single parent already?
A.
Welcome to mamapedia! Congratulations on your baby girl!
I'm sorry - but his lack of involvement with his other child should have been a huge red flag for you that he would not be involved in this one,
Sounds like he sees you as his "Mother" instead of partner - and that's the role you have been doing - telling him what he can and cannot do and begging him to stay home.
Stop begging. Stop telling him what he can and cannot do. Use this time to get your ducks in a row, save as much money as possible. Do what you need to do and plan your exit. Since he's not paying attention? It shouldn't be hard. I would stay as long as possible to save as much money as possible. Talk with a lawyer. Are you renting or own a home? Can YOU stay in the marital home if you own it? Can you change the locks on the doors? I don't know the laws in your state.
But really, since he's not home? I wouldn't change. I would just stop asking about his plans and start living your life as a "single mom" (and no, I wouldn't be dating) and saving as much money as possible so that I can care for my child alone.
I'm truly sorry you are going through this. During this time? I would seek the advice of a therapist as well so you don't slip into depression with all that you have on your plate. STAY STRONG MAMA!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!
To answer a couple of your questions. 1. This is who you married. He showed you who he was with his oldest daughter. You just didn't want to believe it. So no this isn't an adjustment phase. Should you be worried about his behavior? Well again, you should have worried about that when he showed you who he was.
I don't know if you thought if you had a child he would grow up or what but honey he's is not going to change. This IS who you married.
What to do? As other said, disengage. Stop begging. Don't ask when he will be back. Live your best life with your daughter. Start saving money, come up with your plan to leave. See an attorney and find out what your rights are. Bide your time and then pull the plug.
Good luck!
It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in being a husband or a parent.
You witnessed his parental efforts with his older child. Why did you think it would change? How long have you been married? Why did you bring a baby into this?
He isn’t going to be any more present for this child than he is with the other.
I’m sorry you and especially your child are in this situation. It’s too bad it couldn’t have been prevented by opening your eyes to see the real person he is. His history is clear where his priorities are.
You have to decide if this is a deal breaker and how you will raise this child. I personally could/would not live with someone who lied to me, who does not respect me and especially someone who isn’t interested in being a father to our child.
It’s no phase sweetie, you married a loser and unfortunately brought a baby into the mix. You’re stuck with him 18 years.
Be more careful with your next pick!
I'm so sorry. You must be exhausted with a newborn, and you are stressed and alone to boot.
I'm not sure why he doesn't see his older child - unless there's a vindictive ex who refuses visitation, it may be that he doesn't much care. Did he show you these red flags before? Did you think he would change when you had your baby?
I could understand if he just didn't understand about diapers or burping or colic, and if he needed help with that. But it doesn't seem to be the case - he's creating distance and he finds his friends and his weed far more appealing than he finds you or the baby. His behavior is inexcusable and I fear it's not likely to get better. You can see if he will go to a parenting class to learn skills like diapering, carrying a baby safely, bathing, feeding, basic first aid for infants, and general child development milestones. Hopefully it will include something about new-mom exhaustion and how important it is that you get some sleep and not, say, be driving if you are so tired. If he balks, go to counseling yourself to get some support and make a plan.
You married a man who was not much of a parent - maybe you thought you could magically change him if you had a baby, but that's not happening. Maybe he'll change with counseling, but I do fear that he has shown you who he is. Now it's up to you to believe what you have seen.
BTW I'm very open about pot, but if he's spending his money on that and maybe beer and some dinner, your child's future is being swallowed and inhaled. Think about that.
It sounds like he's an addict. He's displaying classic addict behaviors, which include not putting his family first and being selfish to partake in his drug of choice. I think you need to probably familiarize yourself with addiction and then you'll have some decisions to make on what you will and will not tolerate.
A lot of people out there think weed is not a big deal and not addictive, etc., but clearly your husband can't smoke weed and be a productive member of his family, so the ball is in your court.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E !!!
This is not going to get better only worse. Kick him to the curb and build a life for you and your child.
I think he's made it pretty clear that he's not really that into being a husband or father. He only sees his other child 3 or 4 times a year, I'm not sure what made you think it would be any different with another child.
Since he never spends any time with you anyway, and you have made it clear that you don't approve of his lifestyle, I suggest you start thinking about your future. Maybe go back to school, get some vocational training, whatever it takes to ensure that you will be able to take care of yourself and your daughter. Be a good strong role model for her, that's a way better example than staying with a man who's not that into you.
I’m going to assume this man has good qualities that drew you to him, so that you missed the red flag that he was not an involved father to his older child. As others have stated, you can’t force him to become a parent or husband, he has to want those things. You have every right to want him to be a good husband and father, but you might have to look elsewhere for that. You might have to seek counseling and support from your friends and family, and prepare to become the best single parent you can be. I’m sure that sounds like an overwhelming thought with a newborn, but try to remember that newborn doesn’t last forever. She will grow up, you will get to enjoy that, and he will miss out on the wondrous adventure of parenting.
First, you could try asking him what he really wants. Make sure he understands that you do not intend to remain a single parent within a marriage, that you are ready to move on, but your preference would be for him to address the issues that are getting in the way of him becoming a father. I suspect there are fears and insecurities about being a father that interfere with his interest. His pot use may be his attempt to self-medicate his own depression and/or anxiety. What was his dad like? What is he worried about? If his father was either abusive or absent, this would help explain (but not excuse) his behavior. Or there might be some other issue. If he has any interest at all in understanding himself and getting help, then there might be hope for him. Even if you are not together, it would be good if he could look at himself and what he really wants. Try to discuss this with him, but be prepared for him to deny there is a problem. Good luck to you.
Wow, he sounds like a keeper. I'm so sorry you have become involved with this man. I don't think this is an adjustment phase, I think he is showing you who he really is. Look how uninvolved he is in his 11 year old's life. You can't change him...he has to want to change himself. How do you make someone want to change and then do the work? If I were you I would ask him to 1. do marriage counseling and 2. join Al Anon for pot smokers. He has to agree to this and he has to want to change. I'm not sure if that will happen. If he does agree to these things I'd give it a certain amount of time and if he does not change I would leave him. That's must my opinion. I wish you luck. I feel so bad for your daughter and for his 11 year old. :( They deserve a better dad.
Oh wow. You didn’t read the tea leaves watching his lack of involvement with his other child. I don’t understand why you thought his next child would make him change.
If you want your daughter to have a father that is present, she will need a step-father. So sorry...
When you discussed it with him - what did he say?
If he has no interest in spending time with you or your daughter and it's been almost 2 months, and he's smoking a lot of pot - 'should I be worried about his behavior'?
Really?
Don't you think you should be worried? I would be. Sorry. I feel for you, of course, but why wouldn't you be worried?
Yes, be worried.
Maybe he has male post partum depression. Who knows. There is such a thing apparently. But at the very least, of course, you should be worried and I can't understand why you're asking such a thing.
Or he's just a dud and you need to recognize that he's not interested. You can't change people, so you put it to him that you are not happy. See what he does. Tell him what you need to see happen so that you feel supported and loved in this relationship. Ask him what he needs help with if he opens up and is honest with you. Go to counseling if that will help together.
If none of that helps - then I'd suggest moving on (separating and divorcing if necessary).
If he wasn't involved with his first child, it's not that surprising he's not interested now.
I feel badly for you but the reality is that he does not want to be the picture you have of a husband and father. He would prefer to just be a selfish, party guy. You and your baby’s needs are not even on his radar. Look ahead towards creating a good life for you and your child.
You have got yourself a problem sister. You need more help than this forum can give. Start with some counseling if you can. If he would go with you all the better but frankly that’s going to be a long shot. You’ve got some hard decisions to make and and a really bad road ahead without some straight talk and some support.
So this behavior isn’t new. Your husband doesn’t want to be a husband or father. His actions are proof.
I bet he isn’t just doing weed but probably hooking up with someone else on the side.
Change the locks on the house so he can’t crawl in after dark.
Run! Get out now!
Get your ducks in a row, get an attorney, and get out.
Firstly, congratulations on your new baby girl. How wonderful for you to be a beautiful mother to a beautiful daughter. It was just 7 weeks ago that thisball happened to you. So you deserve a big hug and high 5 for that alone, for that is a huge accomplishment.
In regards to your husband, whatever the details are the point is that you are experiencing vey strong feelings and emotions about his behavior and actions. Feel how you feel. Your feelings are valid.
It may be a challenge but allow yourself to redirect those strong emotions toward your daughter. She is perfect. There are so many amazing and divine things that she will do. Let that be your focus. 7 weeks will turn into 7 months so quickly. Missing all of that wonderment by focusing on anything else will stir up other emotions.
Your daughter needs her mama. Not just for the basics of feeding and diaper changing but to also feel your love for yourself. Put self care high on your radar. Focus on the positive, do things that make you happy. Eat nutritious foods, smell certain smells that make you smile. Turn towards the sunshine.
No one should ever take your feelings away from you. So we can all understand how you feel about your husband situation. But you are the star of the show. Nothing will supersede all the great things happening to you right now by this new motherhood of yours. Your husbands behavior included.
The more you practice self care. The more you will show everyone around you how you would like to be treated. Because you are leading by example of how you are treating yourself.
I trust that you will find solutions. You are a supermom. You are lovely. Enjoy every bit of this process.
Be well,
Jenn
