Help. Need to vent/advice..a Little More Info

Hi Theresa.
My advice is going to be different from most people. Because I have been through what you are going through about a year ago. You have to ask yourself if you really want to be with your husband and ask him the same thing. My husband would always say he wanted a divorce. I asked after when things cooled down, if that is really what he wanted. I know sometimes thing are said in the heat of the moment. Usually that's not what they really want. Our problems were mainly money issues that he would make seem it was me or the kids. A really good friend of mine had once told me, which was hard for me to understand at the time was "you can't control what other people do, but you can control what you do." My husband and I live in his parents' place still, the only difference is that we have learned what we both want in life, if it's a house. Then work together as a team in getting it. If it is your daughter, that is team work too. You guys are a team, sometimes you have to remind him that. Marriage at times is work. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and ask yourself. How can we get to where we want to be as a family? and focus on the solution, not the problem. I've learned that nothing you want in life is going to be easy including marriage. If you want something bad enough, you work at it. Tough times only make you stronger in the end. Just have faith. If you need more advice or help getting started I can tell you more on how to get started. I know how finances can put a big toll on a relationship especially when you feel like you are kinda lost or just don't know how to get there. Trust me once you and your husband sit down and talk about what you guys really want in life and work at it together, things will change for the better.

*

AFTER YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED......How nice of him to grace you with his presence....Keep us posted girl, from your comments, he's right your wrong and still nursing feelings of hurt and betrayal....What did he have to say about his repeated threat of divorce and taking off at will...was he sorry? What's he going to do about it?

Blessings.....

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS AFTER YOUR RESPONSE:
T.,
It wasn’t working there and it isn’t working here! Why? Because your husband hasn’t figured that YOU CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM YOURSELF!

Sad, scared and disappointed? Isn’t that too bad…. what about you and your little girl? Why should he be mad at you for reaching you for reaching out to a family member?
Just because he’s NOT READY to talk, doesn’t mean that you have to suffer in isolation.

He may love you and your child, but not quite as much as he seems to love himself.

It’s Friday, tell the parents whose children you are caring for that you have a family emergency (which you do) and will be out of town for a few weeks. Pack a couple of small bags (So you don't overwhelm yourself any further they you already are) and LEAVE! (EVEN if you have to pack some sandwiches and get on a Greyhound).

Your husband is content with being a part time member of the family. So be it! If he cares to become a man, husband and father, he will come to you, wherever you are. If he doesn’t better you find out now.

Blessings…..

Dear T.,

After eight years, this is not a fresh wound, it is an old wound that your husband keeps reopening and doesn’t seem to mind involving a small child as well. His lack of compassion for a three year old and the way he repeatedly lashes out with you (i.e. "she's your daughter do whatever you want."), should put up a big red flag. That he would pack up, threaten divorce and take off leaving you and your child in HIS parent’s home is disgraceful and immature.

I hope you have contacted your family and have someplace where you and your child can feel safe and wanted. If you don’t, here is the number for a women’s shelter in the San Jose area 1 ###-###-####.

I know that feeling you have in your stomach and the ache in your heart. You are hurting not only for yourself but for your little girl as well. I urge you to do something positive and get yourself in a better place. You don’t need a man like that. If he’s not willing to get some help, better cut your losses and don’t look back.

Blessings……

Threatening divorce is childish. Now, I have said to my husband "I think we need to get some counseling, I don't want to wind up getting a divorce years from now because we can't communicate with each other". To me, if you have to threaten to divorce me more then once, then let's get to it. Otherwise, find another way to get across whatever it is you are saying.
My daughter's pediatrician says "Learn to communicate honestly with your spouse. If you can't get a divorce when your child is young....it's harder on them the older they get".
If you want to save your marriage, I would suggest counseling. It can only do good.... I wish you luck!

Sometimes there are no words.... I just want to Hug you.

Hi T.,

I feel for you and your family. I have found myself in a very similar situation and really needed advice. This is what helped me, so please forgive me if I am out of line.

Here is my (uninformed) take on it:

It sounds like he feels his life is out of control and in an attempt to regain it, he is mistreating you. It is a cheap game for power. Try to diffuse the power struggle in your marriage. I’ve found if you are afraid of him (getting in a bad mood, leaving, being verbally abusive etc.) it only fuels this behavior.

You have to demand respect for yourself!

Do not allow yourself to be a victim. Be firm and don’t let him get away with this. Say what’s on your mind (he can feel your resentment). After the initial arguments subside, it will make all 3 of you happier.

At the same time, reward his good behavior (without being condescending) and make sure he knows his own value in the family. If, God forbid, it doesn’t work out, you can at least know you did everything you could.

You are a beautiful and strong woman. There is a lot of love in your heart to keep fighting for your marriage especially with a weak support system.

I also agree with Stacy, it does sound like anxiety and depression (and medicine can be very helpful to get things back in order).

I hope this was applicable and helpful. You have my empathy and I wish you all the best, on whatever path you take your life.

Yours Truly,
Jasmine

Hi T.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It really isn't fair to you and your daughter for him to play the "I'm leaving" card so often. At some point, you grow numb to it, which doesn't help any relationship, but your husband needs to recognize that on his own and realize that it's very hard to mend these kind of fences.

I think the first thing you need to ask yourself is whether or not YOU want to work things out with him. If so, you may want to discuss the option of counseling with him. If you are just too tired of his behavior though, it may be best to take a break for a while to think about it - ie, go visit your parents.

When he says that he's not ready to talk, he's basically putting you in a holding pattern, which is not fair to you nor your daughter. In this case, while he's keeping you waiting, go ahead and take charge of the situation and start making plans (at least mentally) as if he's not coming back. That way, you'll be prepared and it's not as shocking and uprooting if things turn out for the worse. Make plans so that your daughter can still spend time with him and still feel loved by her father, but also plan on being more independent of him, whether it's financial or otherwise.

Please take care of yourself and I hope things work out for the best for you and your daughter.

T., if you are a SAHM and a WFHM, what is keeping you here? Even if your parents live out of state, take your daughter and GO HOME.

Your husband sounds overwhelmed, surrounded by his responsibilities as husband and father -- AND SON. Remove one or two of those responsibilities for a little while and see if he can sort it out.

If you and your daughter have any possibility of going home to your parents, DO IT. Even if it's just for a few weeks or a month. That will give you some breathing room and perspective too, and your folks can help distract your daughter with love and fun while you figure out what to do next.

I was in similar straits a few years ago and my family all lives out of state too. How I *wish* I had taken my child and gone to them, even just for a few weeks. It might not have saved the marriage but it would at least have been a brief period of peace of mind for all of us.

I strongly, strongly recommend you and your daughter go visit her grandparents for a little while, and SOON. As soon as *possible*. Make it happen.

Very best of luck to you; blessings and prayers and HUGS...

He sounds like the way my husband sometimes gets - when he forgets to take his anti-anxiety/antidepressant medication. If there's some way you can get him to see a doctor about the "stress" he is feeling, it might help tremendously.

You say your MIL is unpleasant, but can she watch your daughter one evening a week so you can have a "date night"? Even if you just eat pizza and take a walk, it might start you on your path towards talking. It would certainly be worth hiring a baby sitter for if MIL won't do it.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hmmm. there are a lot of things going on here but you are strong because you recognize that things are just not right and want the best for your family. You both need to seek counseling because the couselor will become an avenue for him to vent and really face what is going on in his life and not take it out on you and your daughter. I know you don't want it to look as if he doesn't love your daughter, but lashing out in front of her really hurts the family and it will change the person that she is to become. He has to understand at least that point. I wonder why he always says "she is your daughter" is she not both of yours? Maybe he is a little jealous, I don't know I am just thinking out loud but in life we have to take care of our well being and our child's well being and it sounds like acknowledging that there is a brewing problem is the first step. Plus living with Mother in law is not the best scenario but if it is to save up to buy a house it is more of a temporary situation. Good luck and seek help if you want to save the marriage, but don't let anyone treat you less than you deserve to be treated. God Bless!