Husband Depressed / Charlottesville Area Help

Having been through this, you have my complete sympathy and so does he. It's very hard to get him to do what he doesn't want to do, but, in short, he's going to need professional help and very likely meds. Most people in that situation start self-medicating (drinking for example), which only will make it worse on the family. Moreover, first of all, anti-depressant medications are often only for a limited time (not for the rest of his life) and second become necessary, because even if he has an original reason for his depression, after awhile the brain chemistry changes because of depression, making it all a vicious cycle. You probably need someone to talk with him besides you (a family member or someone he respects). You need to not keep this a secret -- you are going to need all the support you can get. Do whatever you can to get him to professional help and be ready for a long haul in coming out of depression.

Email me I am going through the exact same thing with my husband.
If you need some support and someone to talk to. I can also tell you what my husband is doing now after a year and a half of this.

We had the best therapist in Charlottesville and were so sad when we had to leave, I'm still searching for someone as good. He was out of Charlottesville Psychological Associates (in the red brick building next to South Street Brewery), Lester Pearlstein.

Good luck to you!!

Why is he scared to go on medication? If he has a chemical imbalance medication can rectify that and make him his old self. But even if he has a fear why not go to the dr, just see what he/she has to say and if they recommend medication you can discuss your fears and perhaps ask them for a herbal remedy or other recommendations. Bottom line, you two don't look for a solution it will only get worse. Since things are so bad could an appt with a therapist make it worse? I think not. As a side bar , my hubs was suffering from depression/anxiety about 4 years ago. He saw a therapist, he didn't go on meds they pretty much talked out his problems, gave my husband some tools, visualization and other kinds of meditation and he is right as rain. I'll tell you if he needed meds, we would have gone in that direction as we did feel a little hopeless at the point he started seeing a therapist. Good luck and stay strong. It's easy to get frustrated but please remember depression is a desease like any other and should be taken seriously.

i'm all about going all natural and not fattening the coffers of big pharm, but when you need medication, you need it. if your husband's depression is interfering with his quality of life and that of his family, which it clearly is, then st john's wort or meditation or sunshine therapy or whatever is probably not going to do the trick.
if he had a sinus infection...or cancer.....he'd get help, right?
sometimes it's appropriate to live better through pharmaceutical aid.
khairete
S.

hi,
My husband was depressed like yours and even had though of suicide.Believe it or not but diet did help him and still does .I can unfortunately still tell when he is not heating correctly has it does greatly affect his mood.
Go see there: www.squidoo.com/i_beat_depression
Good luck.
N.

It may not be depression - it could be diabetes, chrinic fatigue syndrome, heart disease, thyroid or ...! He needs to have a physical to see what this is. I would get him in to see your family docotr and go from there.

Hi - for years and years I resisted medication. I thought I could fight depression/anxiety with therapy, sheer will power. I finally went to a psychologist (MUCH better choice than an LCSW or equivalent) who immediately recommended Lexapro. My life is turned around. I no longer dread the day and look forward to the day ending. I feel joy really for the first time in my life (I'm 50); I cherish everyday and enjoy everyday - even when the going gets tough, I have the tools to deal with it. THere is no "fog" - only clarity. It's like I used to walking around with my head down, only able to see the ground. Now I can see the sky. My relationship wtih my children and husband are turned around, as well (one of the main motivators for doing this) - for the first time, I feel all the good things I couldn't before. This is all true. WHile I understand your husband's perspective (I was there), in the end, he is depriving himself and all of you of a terrific, happy life (and depriving himself of any chance of a joyful life). I hope he will get out of his own way. All he has to do is try - if he doesn't like it, it doesn't work, stop doing it. It's really that simple. By not trying, he can't say he's done everything he can to change things. In the meantime, please go to therapy yourself - there is no reason for you to go through this alone. He needs to understand he is jeopordizing everything. Good luck. Keep pushing.

My husband also suffers from depression. He went to the family physician who put him on prozac. My husband also did not want to be on drugs so he stopped taking them after about nine months. The prozac did help reduce his anxiety and anger but my husband said it made him feel like he was living in a fog. He also did not want to be labeled with a mental condition. Mental illness is so misunderstood and unacceptable in our society. We have learned that we can control his depression with plenty of sleep and exercise. The sleep thing is difficult sometimes because when he is anxious he can't sleep. So he has a sleep aid RX from the doctor. I really think your hubby should see his primary care physician. Depression is common and controllable. He could try a medication for just a temporary time. AF

Keep in mind that you can't make him be happy - he has to deal with it himself. Of course you can support him, but you shouldn't be walking on eggshells. I don't know Charlotsville therapists, but there are definitely therapists out there who will respect his wish to not take medications and can help. I think talk therapy is the most common and can be extremely effective. He can keep a journal to see what triggers the bad moods and what helps. For many people, daily exercise can make a big difference. A therapist can also be useful for learning new ways of communicating and thinking about things which can reduce depression.

I, myself avoided seeking help for years because I was afraid of being medicated. Eventually I found a therapist who worked with me without medication. I improved but still had a low grade depression, so after several months I decided to try medication. For me, medication with the talk therapy made a huge difference. I was able to go off the medication, and haven't taken it for years now, so I wouldn't recommend totally ruling it out either. But nobody can force him to take medication, and if they try he should look for someone else. There are many good professionals out there who can really help!

You can find therapist referrals on the American Psychological Association website (www.apa.org) and Virginia Psychological Association (www.vapsych.org). Depression is treatable. Your husband ought to discuss his symptoms with an experienced health professional who can lead him on the right path to feeling better.

< Oh honey! I have sooooo been where you are!!!!!!!!! Get him and yourself into counselling asap!!!!! It will make a huge difference quickly. My hubby did end up having to go on meds, but he has lots of other issues going on. I actually ended up on a small dose of Zoloft myself-it is extremely stressful to live like this and the Zoloft takes enough of the edge off that I can deal with him calmly.
Hang in there! Prayers are coming your way!

I strongly suggest he try some of the alternatives to medication! They work... very well. I was on medication for 10 years, until it stopped working and I was forced to look at other options... I wish I had looked for alternatives years ago, because unlike the medication they actually help you work out what is going on emotionally and resolve it. The medication makes you feel a bit better without really dealing with the underlying issues...if you aren't careful, you'll be on it for the rest of your life.

DO NOT go to a psychiatrist. They will basically put you on drugs, and that's it. Look for a talk therapist with an EMDR certification or one works with other cutting edge stuff:

1. EMDR. This is a form of therapy that uses technology to put the patient into a deeply relaxed state for talk therapy. It is especially useful for people who have had bad experiences in their past, even as far back as childhood. It was first used for soldiers, police, and firemen with PTSD, but it is now used for all kinds of things. A nine month course of EMDR put my extremely severe clinical depression (I was suicidal and anorexic) into remission--and I felt substantially better after the first two sessions. It seems to have permanently banished my social anxiety, and my depression is still in remission two years later. Lots of good research on this method.

2. Sound and light therapy. This is another technology-aided relaxation therapy, used at home. You can order a machine from Amazon.com and experiment on your own (I happen to have the "Proteus"), or, possibly better, look for a therapist who will coach you in exactly how to use the machine best. The machine will come pre-programmed with all kinds of routines, for everything from exam performance, to help sleeping, to routines that are good for ADD, anxiety, and depression. Again, lots of research support.

For a depressed person, working with a therapist is a good idea at first... some of the routines might conceivably make it worse. My 5 year old son uses a machine to help ease his anxiety, and we were instructed to avoid the routines designed for kids with ADD... they would make his anxiety more intense. We experimented once with a routine designed for kids with autism... and let's just say that he had a very strange day.

3. Exercise. But it has to be quite a lot. More studies support this.

4. Make sure your husband is getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can be a major driver of depression. If he has trouble sleeping, a sound and light machine can help a lot.

5. A final long shot--not backed by clinical studies, but maybe worth a try--is the ideas of a researcher Seth Roberts, who came up with a theory called "Faces in the morning." His theory was that for thousands of years, the first thing people would see when they got up was other people's faces... lots of them, as they planned to hunt for mammoths or whatever. So he started watching TV shows in the morning, talk shows with BIG images of faces. He found that it improved his energy levels, mood, and made it easier to sleep in the evening. I've been experimenting with it myself, and it does seem to make a difference. (by contrast, seeing faces in the evening was not such a good idea).

Good luck.

Since you both have great jobs I'm guessing the one with the health insurance has a type of employee resource center. It is anonymous and the place to start, in order for insurance to cover his therapy. Also, no one can make him go on meds if he doesn't want to. They will have alternative therapies to try. It's good for the kids to see him seeking help. We all need a little help sometimes. Good luck to all of you!

Inspirational music, laughter, food, reassurance of self worth sometimes can dispel the darkness of depression.

I know how you feel. My husband goes through this and it hurts to see him hurting. It also hurts to live in the middle of his hurt.

Depression is not caused by events, though, or lack of a wonderful life. This is a neurophysical imbalance and there is no blame for it. It's like blaming someone for growing hair. You've done nothing, and no matter how great life is, the hair is going to grow. I've been depressed and it is frightening. It's like dipping below the threshold of what survival is worth, if that makes any sense. You can't possibly understand the pain of it unless you've been there.

I refused meds and learned to deal with it. However, since mine was PTSD, as I healed from the experience, I regained my normal mental state. It took a few years, though. If this is not triggered by anything, there is no shame to taking meds. If he really does not want to, though, then he can make a committment to learn to recognize the symptoms and modify his behaviors in order to not hurt you and the kids. Yes, it is less than ideal to have your emotional state regulated by drugs, but it might be worse to lose your family. That's a choice he has to weigh out.

He does need professional help. No one can force meds on him, that's his choice. He does need to recognize how this hurts you, so you need to accompany him to couple's counseling, too.

I feel your pain. My husband has gone through this, too. He will wax and wane on the depression scale in cycles, with reprive for some years. I've learned to acknowledge it is his issue which I will love him through, but I've also learned that my happiness is my own and I need to do things to keep myself happy when he's in that state. At the same time, he has learned to recognize the symptoms and work on not hurting us and we communicate openly and honestly about it. No meds.

I wish you the best.

I read through many of the comments and just wanted you to know that getting help will be a tream effort if you'd like to stay together. Also make sure that you take care of your and your children cause ultimetly in the end you are all effected by his behavior and this can have a lasting effect on all of you. Take care and keep us updated

Depression is so hard. Medication can be a bridge to getting your life back - although many who prescribe it don't really expect you to ever stop taking it. For some it really is necessary long term. For others medication can get you feeling well enough to start doing the right things, and then he can SLOWLY try to wean off and see if better nutrition and excersize can help keep the depression away - or at least keep some perspective about it so he doesnt go back to full-blown depression. I would recommend a few books - The Mindful Way Through Depression (Jon Kabat-Zinn) and Unstuck (James Gordon) and The Noonday Demon (Andrew Solomon). Even if he doesnt want to read them, they would give you some insight into depression, and maybe he'd eventually pick on up and read it. He doesnt like being like this I'm sure, which in turn adds guilt and feeds the depression. Finding a good therapist would be great, but I don't know the Charlottesville area. He can come through this - don't give up hope!

I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but what many people don't understand is that depression can result from a chemical imbalance in the brain. From the way you describe his episodes coming on even during your happy vacation, it may very well be a chemical rather than emotional problem. Try to look at it like you would if he had a problem like diabetes. You would get him medication for that wouldn't you? He needs professional help as soon as you can get it. I have a friend who got severely depressed to the point where she attempted suicide more than once. She got help and medication and is doing well. In my opinion you would do well to seek help, even if that help means medication. Taking a pill is better than destroying your life and that of your children, right?

Just wanted to say...you are not alone! (and neither is your husband). My husband struggles with anxiety and depression--mostly anxiety, but they are closely related. I believe I'm a very happy-go-lucky, mostly very positive person and find it difficult to be around him during these episodes. Like you said, it rubs off on you...it affects the whole family. Last summer is actually consumed the whole family. Not a happy time. My husband found a good counselor and psychiatrist who helped a LOT, especially at first to help him start healthy ways of thinking/acting which lead to other positive changes in his life. I was opposed to the idea of medicine (although he'd been on it before) But now I see it really can help. It doesn't change who he is as a person. It just helps get the chemicals stablized in his brain, which helps his overall outlook. I'd so much rather have him take medicine than go through what we did last year! I think a good place to start is a counselor. He/she can help with behavioral techniques that may help, and offer advice for you as well. They could then recommend other options as needed. I've learned that this is something that many people struggle with--for whatever reason. There is no one way to "fix" it. But healthy daily practices such as healthy eating, EXERCISE, adequate sleep, WORK, time alone to meditate, time around people (helping other people), all help. Guidance from professionals is very helpful when all those things just don't seem to work. And medication can help too. I read a book about how to help someone with depression (can't remember the name) Found out I was doing a lot of things that were probably not very helpful. It was good to get some fresh ideas and ways/things to say that were better. It is a very tough thing. Takes a lot of patience and understanding. Good luck! Hope things start to improve for you guys. I'm sure it will. Talk to him...try to listen and empathize with his feelings. My husband thought that helped the most. It was hard for me, I just wanted him to "snap out of it" Hang in there, and know that you are not alone and you can do this.

I don't know if you want to hear this, but I think you should both keep an open mind about medication. Despite growing up with a psychologist mother and working in a psych unit in a hospital for years myself (and seeing miracles worked with medication on a regular basis there), I, too, was anti-medication when I found myself suffering from post-partum depression.

I tried everything else first--seeing a therapist, exercising regularly, scheduling "me" time and time with friends, etc. (and I highly recommend all of these things for your husband). However, true depression is a chemical imbalance that in many cases, can't get better without a chemical intervention. It would be like having diabetes and and refusing to take insulin. After I weaned my daughter, I finally got so desperate, I asked my doctor for an anti-depressant and it has been a miracle for me. It does NOT make me feel "funny" or drugged or even happy. It is not a happy pill. It just takes away the horrible negative feelings I was battling for almost a year without success.

It doesn't matter how great one's life appears on the outside--great job, healthy kids, etc.--when you have depression, you can only see through the lens of depression. It is a terrible way to live and your husband, you, and your kids are all being cheated out of a normal life. I finally feel like myself again--nothing more, nothing less. This saved my life. So I would keep all options--even medication--open.

It is so wonderful to have you reach out and ask for help! You are so right about not wanting to live like this, and the best thing is to become more informed. So you will want to go to a specialist. If you had a car problem, you would go to a mechanic. If the mechanic told you some things to fix your car that didn't sound like it was worth your while, you would take it to another mechanic...
So seek out a psychological counselor. They cannot put you on medication (only psychiatrists can)
and you can hear from a "specialist" what will help, be most effective, and work with what your family needs are. To find one, you start with your insurance. That way, the cost is minimal as you meet different counselors to find the one that balances your needs to the situation the best.
You can choose from family counselors- so the children get help (but only see the doctor on few occasions, the rest of the appointments are for parents to share whats going on at home). Or choose one for yourself; so you know what you can do to stop walking on egg shells and get beyond the influence of the depression of your husband (without being told to leave his side). You will also learn how you can help him address his depression (and there is always more than one way to deal with it).
The most important thing about being with a counselor: you need to feel BALANCED when you leave their office every time, or unbalanced with your permission (which almost never occurs).

Colleen, sorry you are all going through this. He might be wondering what clear path/goals he has, and where, together, you're headed as a family. Maybe he is daunted by the task. Perhaps he is realizing life is short, and he needs spiritual guidance. Here are some websites for families..... I hope you find some good resources among them. God bless you!! www.ewtn.com www.ccli.org

it. s not depression, it is manic depression also know as bi polar. and he needs to be on medication to control his mood swings. other wise it will only lead to more depression and mood swings, that will get worse as he ages. the fear that he is expressing about "they" putting him on medication for his mood swings is an early sign of paranoia, a very common side effect of untreated manic depression. a bi polar partner can be very isolating because you are terrified they are going to say or do something that will have your neighbors talking for weeks. my first husband, and his entire extended family was bi polar, so it wasnt considered a problem because everyone in this extended family had it. untreated bi polar can lead to depression, anxiety, paranoia, risky or obsessive behavior and suicide.
K. h.
email me back, i have been there and done that.

Dear Colleen, I cannot help about therapists in Charlottesville, since I live in VB. But I can relate to depression in your husband. My husband's depression expressed itself as rage. I was really ready to leave him but could not see a way to do it. I think he had a big blow-up in front of our son and he finally realized he needed help. Anyway, I want to say that your husband should not be afraid of medication. Antidepressants do not make you a zombie, but they actually make you feel "normal" (though since they vary from person to person in the way they work, he might have to try different ones until he finds the right one.) I was resistant to take pills for high blood pressure,and finally surrendered and was glad I did. Why the reluctance? Lack of knowledge, fear, ego? It is better to take the pills and then get therapy than to have something bad happen first.
Start with a primary care manager (Dr.) and then see where that leads. By the way, my husband and I are still together and happy (after 41 years)