My husband and I are both 38 and have a wonderful 5 year old daughter. I have wanted to try to have another child since she was 3, but my husband has been telling me that he is “not there yet”... My husband went back to school to get his MBA and had a major career transition. He was unemployed for 6 months, but now has a great job and is very happy to have his career on a good track... Still, he cannot commit to me that he would like another child. He has many concerns - emotional, bandwidth, financial, etc. Given that we both work full time, I have concerns too. But still, I would like to try and have a 2nd child. Financially, we are stable, and we are good parents with a strong marriage. Both of our families live close by and fortunately, they offer lots of help. My MIL even has offered to babysit M-F as she did for out first. It took 3 years to conceive our daughter and ultimately we got pregnant with the help of drugs/IUI. I'm starting to feel anger and resentment toward him as he cannot tell me what he wants and I'm tired of waiting... Why can he not decide? If we only have 1 child, will the resentment go away? I think I can be content with a family of 3, but right now, I just feel so sad that we never gave it a chance. Any advice or similar experiences?
I am so sorry (and I may be wrong) but I think his not answering for almost 3 years IS an answer.
Hug -- and a wish for patience, love and clear communication between the two of you.
I would make an appointment with your husband and tell him you'd like to discuss the possibility of trying for another pregnancy. (For example: "Honey, I'd like for us to sit down around 7pm tonight while XX is at XX's house having playtime and talk about whether we are going to enlarge our family.) When you are both sitting down these are the points to present.
1. Our age, it is getting to the point where the baby can have issues. Put it better, like...I want to have a baby before I hit 40 because the risks of health problems goes up.
2. I have always wanted another child. We are financially able, even if something happened to one of our jobs here's how we could manage the finances....have some visual charts or something to show him how the budget could be slightly altered to still meet the bills and put money aside for college and retirement.
3. XX would make a great, wonderful, fantastic big sister. She is the perfect age to have a little sister or brother.
4. This is something that I fell strongly about and really want. If you are just undecided then I am going to go off birth control and see what happens. I may not get pregnant and I may get pregnant right away. I want to have another child. I am feeling a yearning to have this child, I know this child is waiting for us to have them, I feel like my desires are being discarded without being heard. Please, let's decide by...choose a date, maybe Valentines Day, to get your head wrapped around the idea were are going to try.
5. What are your reasonable objections? So that his wishes can be heard and not discarded. So he can, perhaps, begin to understand why he is dragging his heels. Etc....
i think he's answered you if you've waited this long and he hasn't said...let's go for it.
I think he IS giving you an answer. It seems like he is trying to tell you, but his answer might not be what you're looking for...and you are waiting for him to change his mind. Men think of more children less emotionally then we do.
Men can be afraid and not want to admit it. If it took 3 years and medical treatment to conceive your daughter, he may be afraid of his feelings and yours if you try again and don't succeed. This is not as easy as "decide yes and then have a baby" - it's more "decide yes and then go through a long process thay may or may not lead to a baby". Men like things black or white/yes or no and this isn't that simple. He could be afraid of dealing with his disappointment and yours. He could be thinking that things are great the way they are, why mess with it? You guys need to talk this through to see what he is really thinking.
It took 13 years for my husband to agree to try for a baby. Then I had 2 miscarriages and each time he wanted to give up and I didn't. I was 41 when we had our daughter. He was afraid of his sadness about each miscarriage and even more afraid to admit to his grief. Men don't like to be disappointed, or be sad, or watch us be sad - I think we are much more capable of dealing with disappointment.
You should both be in agreement about trying for another child. If either one of you has doubts, then it's a no go.
If it took you 3 yrs of trying last time, it might not be any easier the next time around. He might be concerned of the expense involved in fertility treatments when he wants to provide for your current child, save for collage, save for retirement, etc. Also, there's no guarantee it would work.
Being unemployed for 6 months is a serious blow to your ego. You can't help but fear for your and your family s future. He's probably afraid he might lose his job again and they are hard to come by. The economy is still very rocky and will be for quite some time.
We have our one son, and we are happy with one child. There's no splitting of attention or toys or which activity to go to when there is a conflict. There is no fighting and bickering. There's no guarantee siblings will get along and be friends.
There are positive things about having one child if you keep your mind open.
Hi A.-Marie,
It sounds like he has decided. He is not ready. That, in and of itself, is a decision.
I would try to make peace with that. Maybe if he sees you are not so emotioanlly invested in having another child, the pressure will be off him and he might come around - but he might not, so I would make real peace with not having another child - if you want to stay with him.
This is SUCH a touchy topic. Because it gets really emotional on both sides. I have actually been on both sides of this and it's tough either being on either side - wanting and not getting and not wanting and feeling pressured. I guess my advice, really, is that in order to bring a child into the world, you really need both parents to vote yes. So the "no" vote trumps the "I want another child" vote. Yes, that is not fair. I get your resentment - it's totally understandable. But I would try to give him space and time - even though you are 38 and had issues conceiving your 1st one, you actually do have time to wait. So, chill for a year or so and see how his new job goes. He's probably freaked out about what would happen if he was unemployed again or whatever.
Good luck.
I completely agree with Gamma G! We had this situation with our second except I was the one not wanting the 2nd baby and my husband did exactly this. He sat down laid out all of the reasons he wanted to start trying for a 2nd and gave me a chance to counter his objections. He also did something that wasn't suggested and it REALLY hit home for me. He wrote it all down and then handed me the paper with both arguments and said give me an answer in 2 weeks. It only took me 4 days to realize the real reason I was worried was because my son had so many problems when he was born and I was letting the fear of going through that again stop me. (this was reason 3 on his list btw) Your husband may still say no but at least if that does happen you will know for certain he heard you before you came to the decision and hearing him may better help you avoid resentment later.
.
If YOU really want another child... then get back onto those drugs to help you conceive. What I've noticed about men that really anger me is: they say they don't want a child or another child until it's already there. Once it's happened, majority are more than just ok about - they are pleased.
Having more children is extremely important to some people, a woman's eggs have a shorter shelf life and so women tend to feel more strongly about it for a very good reason. Your marriage will not continue to be strong when the resentment and bitterness over not having another child ruins it.
I guess he probably is tell you no in his own way as some other posters suggested. But I can see your point. You want to hear the answer yes or no? Maybe you can just tell him you need a yes or no answer. Probably tell him about your "biological clock" is the reason you need an answer without all the excuses.
And about the resentment I don't know how you can get over that. IWhen my children were babies I wanted to leave my job and stay home with them. My husband did not want me to do that because he stated we needed my income, (even though he was already working and additional part-time job). I came to sort of resent him for that. But what could I do. leave my job and have him mad at me all the time. Sometimes it's not fair but it seems that in a marriage when one person does not want something and is quite determined about it all the other half can do is except it. Especially when a compromise cannot be reached.
talk to him. Tell him how you really feel. Tell him you want to try.. that you want another little one... good luck..
