Husband Filed for Custody

Because of their ages, their wishes will be considered by the judge. Start looking for a job NOW and start getting things in order.

I agree that it would be a good idea to get a job. That will show the judge that you are doing everything that you can. I know this must feel terrible. I hope that you can work this out.

My first couple of thoughts were 1. he is wanting to not pay child support and thinks having custody of the kids will help with that. 2. He is trying to get to you agree to something by threatening this action. I will give up custody if you give up alimony type of thing.

You need to get a lawyer ASAP. This is getting nasty and you need to get him out of the home. Your attorney should be able to help with that if its possible. I am so sorry you are going through this.

At the age your children are, they do have a say in where they go. I would be curious as to what he is telling them, especially the 16 year old. Come live with me and I will have all this money and can get you a car. Stay with your mom and you get nothing. That type of stuff. Good luck!!

Get a damn good aggressive Attorney for yourself.
Don't let your Husband bully you about it.

KNOW that, there are different types, of "child custody."
Google Search "Types of child custody" and inform yourself.

Just because he is richer than you, does not make him a better parent.
AND kids NEED their Mom.
He is being selfish.

Again, do not let him bully you or control you... nor what you believe in your heart, about your kids. YOU know your kids.
Get a damn good Attorney for yourself, who is aggressive and will not let your Husband manipulate this.

DOCUMENT everything your Husband says/does.
Because, you will need it.
And perhaps, get people you know, to write a testimony for you, about what kind of parent you are.
And perhaps, have your kids write down what they want/need and that they are requesting to be with you.
You do not have to show your Husband your own documentation.
Be smart.
Don't say things your Husband can use against you.
Your Husband seems like a manipulative selfish man.

Because, your Husband is making you out to be a "bad" parent.
So that he gets, what he wants.

Get a lawyer. Do not use his and do not speak to his. Do not discuss any of this with your ex any more. He wants to keep the kids because someone has told him that it will be cheaper to keep the kids than to pay alimony. It is a joke but men still tend to think that way. You will not be able to "convey you are the better parent" however at the kids ages their wishes will be taken into consideration. the judge may or may not call them into the chambers to speak to them without you or your ex present. If he makes a substantial income he is worried about money. He should be paying you alimony and you are also entitled to part of his retirement pay. you will also be able to file when social security time rolls around on his income. Also any and all property, homes, vehicles etc you are entitled to half of so don't let him railroad you after 21 years. Good luck

Hire an attorney even if you have to make payments out of your alimony.

I believe kids 12+ get to pick, but a lawyer can help you.

Welcome to Mamapedia. You bring up a pretty hot topic for your first question!

Your kids will determine where they live.

They are likely telling both of you that they prefer whichever one they're talking to.

If you want some encouragment, the joke my husband always heard was something like the following. They could find your ex-wife in a crack house with a pipe in one hand, four men in bed with her, nary a bit of clothing on anyone, cash money piled on the table and the courts would still have to carefully consider her unfitness. I hardly mean that as a slur to you but it does drive home the fact Texas is a pro-mom state. Let your lawyer do his or her job, communicating freely with him or her but not the other side. Besides stepping back a bit do you honestly think this is the first time the courts have seen a well employed parent ask for custody? Um, yeah, that's super original, buddy. Good luck and focus on remaining positive. Divorce is messy even under the best of circumstances and with everyone being genuinely nice.

Many hugs to you as you go through this. You've gotten some wonderful advice already. I wanted to just reiterate that you should not be the one to move out. Simply refuse. Don't let your husband intimidate you into you being the one to leave your house, with the kids and your husband still there. That is the one thing that could look bad for you in front of a judge.

(and I agree with everyone else - he's not going to get full custody. You'll probably have to split it, unfortunately)

Oh - and talk to your lawyer about filing for temporary spousal support, so that some of the money he's making goes to you prior to the divorce being finalized.

at this age the children get a say in the matter. They dont really get to choose but the court will def take their choice in to consideration. Money is not really a huge factor in custody it is more about who has been the more stable care taker of the children.

You should talk to your lawyer. He may file for custody, but now he has to prove he's more fit. At their ages, they may end up speaking to the judge directly. Be prepared for 50/50 or whatever is standard in your state. I will also say that around 16, the visitation with my sks became more lax and they came and went more freely. They have a home base, but we worked with them regarding school activities, friends' parties, etc.

yes if you don't have your own lawyer... get one.

With my divorce the kids had a state appointed lawyer. Even with us agreeing on 50/50 they checked into it to make sure that was the best choice. My kids were 4,5 & 7. With your kids ages they will take a lot of what they have to say before deciding who the children should live with.

It doesn't matter that you were the stay at home mom, they will not hold that against you in anyway! My mom was a stay at home mom on and off until we were 18 and even after we had been moved out and on our own for 15 years they still didn't hold it against her one ounce and my dad still had to pay her spousal support and keep her on his insurance since her job doesn't offer it until the age of 60 unless she gets remarried before then. Their divorce was just finalized this past Feb.

Good luck and yes I will send a prayer your way.

In California, once they reach age 12 they do get to tell the court who they would rather live with.

I would suggest what a lot of families are now doing. Get 50/50 legal and physical custody with the kids remaining in the family home. Then you and your hubby take turns living there with them. You stay one week, hubby the next. That way the kids are stable.

I believe that's the way it should be. The kids did not get married; the kids did not have kids; the kids did not decide to get divorced. All of these choices were yours and your hubby's - why should the kids now suffer because of them?

Kids need stability, especially while their family is falling apart. Tell hubby if he really cares about the welfare of the kids, this is the way it should be done.

I can only speak of what happens here. Here you will not get full custody, it will go 50/50 and that is what they determine support from. At their ages they would not be forced to stay with either parent but you will not receive full support.

I was ordered 50/50 but our older two always lived with me. See the court sees it as if you fight you are only fighting for money, not your kids since they can choose where they live regardless of the custody agreement.

Another thing up here is the court does not like the argument of being closer to mom, more bonded, whatever, just because you are a stay at home mom because what you are asking is that he just support you and never get to know his kids, ya know?

Oh I was a stay at home mom for 18 years until I divorced.

Talk to your lawyer, he will be able to explain strategy better than we would.

Oh I am assuming he filed for custody in that he didn't give you full custody. This is the general practice to form 50/50 custody.

I'm so sorry S..

You have already received good advice. I promise you, in the end, he will not have full custody. The system is set up so things will even out. You will probably get split custody and he will definitely be paying child support and alimony. At least in California, it is very hard to have it any other way. I imagine in TX they will show even more favor to the stay at home parent (here the default is 50-50 custody). Do your research to find an attorney - the local government will have some services available that can point you in the right direction but you probably need more. Most lawyers will offer some type of payment plan.

I'll be praying for you!

One more thing, nolo's website can help you learn the different legal terms and rules for your state. But as everyone else said, get the best lawyer who will take your case. If there is ever a time to acrue debt, it is now.

Not sure if Texas is the same as Georgia, but with all the alimony and child support you will be receiving - you definitely won't be living on nothing. my SAHM friend just divorced, and between the alimony and child support, she wouldn't even have to go back to work - it's more than enough to cover her. However, alimony runs out in another 3 years, so she is working on a degree in order to find a decent paying job.

Listen to your lawyer. I am not sure why people are telling you to get a job. So ask your lawyer that one. It seems that a job will take away energy and time from your kids. If they are sick and need to stay home from school, you won't be there. If they have to get to after-school activities, you might not be home yet. Meals might not be ready and they might have to fix their own. They are going to need your time and energy just to listen to their concerns.

The fact that you are a SAHM, should show that you have the time and energy to be there for them now that their world is falling apart around them. Assuming your husband works regular hours, wouldn't your kids become latch-key kids?

I wouldn't go into a battle of who is the better parent. Your kids shouldn't hear you discussing anything that appears competitive between you either. Let them always hear you say to your husband, "Let's just do what is best for the kids," "I just want what is best for the kids," and "How can we make this better for the kids?" Nothing else. Don't get into any arguments. Just keep repeating those answers to anything your husband says regarding custody. Stay calm, no matter what you feel like saying or doing. Your kids need to see you as calm, in control, and looking out for their best interests. If your husband wants to get into an argument, just walk away and say in a calm voice, "I will let you calm down and we can discuss this later."

Do not ask your kids who they want to live with. Do not put them in the middle of trying to decide who is the better parent. They love both of you and this is really hard on them. Let the judge talk to them. Just keep reassuring them that you will do whatever it takes to do what is best for them, if they have any questions. Do not talk badly about your husband. Only point out that he has their best interests in mind (even if you don't believe it). The kids need to see that you will not compete for them as if they are just objects to win. Ask them how they are doing. And then listen. Don't give too much info, just be vague and say that you will do what ever is best for them because you want them to have the best life possible.

I'll say a prayer for you. This must be really difficult.

He probably does not want to pay child support, don't back down, and from a person with experince with Texas court child custody, it matters very much what the child wants and who they want to stay with, being that they are the age that they are, they can talk to the judge and tell the judge who they want to stay with and why, but you have to ask and the judge has to agree with speaking with them. My son went in told the judge who he wanted to stay with and why and till this day i dont know what was said (it took place in judges chambers) and whatever it was it shut everything down and the judge was very frank with his dad and said we can have a trial but i can already tell you whats gonna happen, and you can waste everyones money and time or you can mediate it out and end this, he ended it right then and there! Done! well execept for mediation and he got what i offered him in the very begininning (visitation)and nothing more! so dont back down if you feel they should be with you! He also tried to intemidate me, lied and everything low down in the book, judges are hip to that as long as you stay true to who you are and express that you want what is best for your kids interests not whats best for you.

I would try to find a job sooner rather than later. The lack of a job, the hours of the job, etc. can be used against you. So if you have the job now, you can prove when the time comes that your situation IS working out.

He won't get the kids just because he's making more money. You'll get alimony and the kids will get child support. If you've been the primary caregiver of the boys and have a proven history and track record of being the reliable parent then it shouldn't be much of a problem. Plus the court will take the boys' opinions into consideration of where they want to live.

I see a ploy on your husband's end to try to avoid having to pay child support even for two and five years.

Oh S.. I don't have an answer for your dilemma but I can offer up prayers on your behalf. I pray that your soon-to-be ex be guided by the holy spirit that he might not be selfish or vindictive when it comes to your youngest ones and that he be given wisdom and a giving heart in matters of financial responsibility and custody - i lift you up S.. Be well.

I would think at 13 and 16 your kids would get a HUGE say in where they live. Usually kids over the age of 12 are allowed to choose which parent they live with.

I'd ask your lawyer what the laws are in your state regarding that tho. They should have the answer on how much say the kids will get in where they live.

In the case of my family member divorce custody battle...my cousin was the deciding factor on who he went to live with. One parent tried to throw the other under the bus with him being an alcoholic and the cousin 15 or so at the time told the judge how the mother treated him. it was determined it would be best for the child to live with the father ... who does drink a few beers a week but not living on it like an alcoholic would.

Ty for this post it was a reality check for me and some personal desisions... how quickly we forget things. Prayers that your children and family have the best situation that works for everyone. Blessings for your life too.

Definitely get your OWN lawyer! Also, most kids over age 12 can choose in court who they prefer to live with as long as that parent agrees for them to live there. Regardless of how much he likes their choice or not, he will have to pay child support, but all of this will turn out far better if you have your own attorney working for you!

Each state has different laws in place, but here in MN, he would have to prove you an unfit parent to get custody - they start from a 50/50 assumption. Also, the older the kids are, the more say they have in where they live. As of 16, they make up their own minds. The thinking is that at 16, they can get in a car and drive to the other parent's house if they choose.

I'm glad you have a great lawyer. He/she will need to not be intimidated by your husband or his lawyer.

Honey...

Get him out of the house, NOW!!! That is an extremely manipulative behavior just that one alone!! Just tell your lawyer that you are uncomfortable and feel threatened by his presence.

What you do from here on out is ABSOLUTELY none of his business!!!
I am so sorry that this appears to be an ugly divorce. It's hard enough to end a relationship let alone have it become a war. Please, talk to friends, pastor, counselor but don't talk to boys about it. Oh, my brother went through a nasty divorce and he was told that at the age of 12 his son could decide who he lived with. (Texas) but check with your lawyer on the specifics.
I am praying for your right now!!! I pray that the Lord will strengthen you and will touch your husband and help him to see what he is doing and turn around!! I ask that HE give both of you a soft and easy to mold heart.
Guard your heart against bitterness by being thankful for GOD's faithfulness and presence. You know, GOD didn't promise us that we wouldn't have troubles as a matter of fact HE told us it is inevitable BUT HE did promise us that HE would be right there with us when they come!
S., hang on to that promise and seek HIS direction. HE will give you beauty for ashes. Love you in Christ,....KP

My friend just lost custody of her kids to her soon to be ex based solely on the fact that she did not have enough of an income to support them.

You must get a full time job now, you will not get alimony if he gets custody, you will have to pay child support, etc.....it may not go how you'd like.

They are old enough to tell a judge where they want to live, he may take that into consideration if you are able to support them without ANY help from the father. Do not count child support into that money, they judge will look at overall if you are able to support them on your own.

The kids is old enought to tell the courts who they want to stay with. They will tell there Dad it you they want to live with. It will be hard on him not the kids. Do not let him make any demains in your life. Tell him he has to leave' do not move with the kids to stay with friends or family. I will be praying for you. Keep us posted.