Divorce Advice - California.

His obligation to his kids has nothing to do with you and how much you make. It will be according to what he makes to decipher on what it is you will receive in alimony and child support. You dont have to wait to take a job. Now, if it is decided that he wants joint custody then the child support will probably not happen because he will have the children the same amount of time you would have them. The alimony is contingent upon the time you havent worked while in the marriage. You have been use to him taking care of you and that is why you will receive alimony. I have not divorced, Im sorry I couldnt help you in that area. Just stay strong and get everything in writing, notorized. I have heard horror stories about woment who said they wanted to work it out on their own and it ended up not being exactly what the ex-wife wanted. So, be wise and thorough.

Best Wishes and Outcome on Everything!

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Hi,

So sorry that you are going through this.

The only thing I had done that I wish I had done differently is exhaust all options and resources to try and make it work before resorting to a divorce. I am NOT giving you cr*p - I'm sure you are not doing this lightly. however, divorces solve nothing.... they just open another can of worms. Sometimes the worms are better than the thing that caused it and only you can make that decision. Having said that.... here are my thoughts:

yes - hire a lawyer. You can do mediation, but if you aren't agreeing, I'm not sure that will work. Lawyers can be expensive - my 1/2 of my divorce was over $7,000 because he kept sending things back and arguing details like wanting an 8:15 drop off instead of 8:00.

I absolutely would sit with a counselor who can talk about how to tell the kids as well as help you both transition into your new roles with your kids and how to effectively shift roles with EACH OTHER as you begin to co-parent.
I would also suggest you don't tell your kids anything until you know concrete information. Here is where we will live, here is where daddy will live. here is when you will stay with mommy, here is when you will stay with daddy. Don't go too much into the future or say things like "we will stay in this house until the divorce is final and then we will put it on the market and when it sells we will look for an apt." Kids don't understand that. just say "for now we will stay here - that 's all you need to worry about. mommy and daddy will take care of the rest".

Also- you will get differing opinions on giving kids the reason why. I am a HUGE believer in that it's none of their business. "This is a decision mommy and daddy made and we are doing what is best for everyone in the family, given the circumstance". If one of you starts the "daddy did..." or "mommy wanted..." your gooses are cooked. But validate their feelings. When they say "it's not fair that we can't see daddy every day" your response should be "I know you feel like it's not fair. I understand that this is hard for you". Don't say anything else.

I don't know about the job. I know pretty much no one is ordered alimony anymore,except in rare circumstances. My SIL just went through a divorce in OK. She had been a stay at home mom for 10 years and when they showed up for the judge he ordered a continum and told them to come back when she had a job and REPRIMANDED her for knowing about the divorce for 3 months but not having found employment yet (papers had been filed 3 months before their hearing) and threatened to give full custody to the dad because he was the only one who could support the kids. I would check with a laywer and find out about the judges in your area.

Typically, child support is based off of 2 things - time with the kids and income. Some states it's % of non-custodial parent only and some states (like OK) you figure the 'cost of the child' and then what % each parent pays is based of each of their income. if you don't have an income they can figure it off of what you are 'likely' to make based on education, experience, job market etc. But if you do this and then get a job making more or less you will have to pay more money to go back and have it adjusted.

Good luck. This is a super hard road that I have been down and you are going to need a lot of support and encouragement. Get a good sitter that you trust and who is available that you can call on to help you for days that you get stuck at work or when you want to go sit in a corner and cry. Sitters can be invaluable.

My thoughts are with your family.

My suggestions come from my memory as a former paralegal in California (although I never worked on anyone else's dissolution and am not allowed to give legal advice) and my own pesonal experience (without kids)

1st: child support is a mathematical equation in California. Here is the link to the child support calculator from the State of CA: http://www.childsup.ca.gov/Resources/CalculateChildSuppor.... I believe you just type in the particulars to get a good idea of how much you would receive.

2nd: alimony is based on how long you were married and your working arrangement, i.e., he worked outside the home and you worked inside the home, therefore he will have to pay you a certain amount of alimony based on the length of the marriage and the length of time you stayed home as a housewife. Here is a link I found from a law firm that helps you to calculate (or at least to know what will be needed to calculate) alimony: http://www.alimonyformula.com/ (If you type "California Alimony support calculator" into Google you will get a list of helpful sites).

3rd: My ex-husband and I decided to be and were successful at being mature adults who were able to settle everything without attorneys. However, the more assets you have (and kids) the stickier things can be. As you make decisions, begin to write/type your agreements into a "Separation Agreement". This is a legal document used for dissolutions in CA. An attorney often helps you prepare this. Here is a link to answer some FAQ's about Separation Agreements: http://www.cadivorceonline.com/calpages/MaritalProperty/m...
and, here is a link for a sample Separation Agreement: http://family.findlaw.com/divorce/divorce-forms/le22_3_1....

oh, and finally, here's a link to the CA child custody, self-help center (there is probably information in here re: setting up a child custody agreement - something you definitely need to do): http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family/custody/focus...

hmm, I think that answers the questions you asked that I can offer answers to. Best of luck to you in the future and I commend you for being so mature about this decision, especially your decision to not bash your husband in front of your kids. Now let's hope he continues to do the same.

Best,
S.

You can make your own agreements but you do need a lawyer to put it in writing and make it legal. One of the things I have heard divorced families doing now is that the kids get the house and the parents go in/out as "their time" comes and goes. Then the parents maintain seperate small apartments that the kids really don't go to. It lessens the effect on the kids getting bounced around. Just an idea. If you get a job it will probably affect alimony but maybe not. Get it in writing so that it won't be affected (a reason for the lawyer).

My ex and I used a mediator, and we saved a lot of money, and did things the way we wanted to. It took us less than 4 hours of time with the mediator, because we had agreed on most things ahead of time. The advantage of the mediator was that he made sure we covered all necessary areas.

We got to specify our co-parenting plan, and how finances for our daughter would be handled. Neither of us send "support" to the other. Instead we have a joint checking account that we each contribute to monthly according to our incomes, then we pay our daughter's expenses (daycare, lessons, clothing, school supplies, etc) from that account. When either of our incomes change, we adjust our contributions.

In MN, you can draw up an agreement with a mediator, then a lawyer (or lawyers, but we used just one) needs to rewrite it in language that a court will approve.

Our entire process was done in a little over a month.

I would not suggest starting the divorce/mediation process by hiding or lying about potential income, as others have suggested. This isn't the way you want to work with the co-parent of your children. If you have some income, it may affect your financial agreement, but that is only fair.

Do NOT pay money to lawyers to haggle over every detail and get it all in writing. A piece of paper can say almost anything and it won't matter. What will matter is you and your husband's commitment to truly be co-parents of your children and to work together to raise them the best way possible.

And, I doubt your kids are clueless. Children are very perceptive and know how we are feeling. I would talk with a counselor if you have one you trust, as there may be issues now and in the future with the children that could benefit from input from a counselor.

I am currently in divorce proceedings. I want to caution you. You both agree now, but that could change just like the weather. Always think about what's in the best interest of the children and for yourself as well. Divorce is a major life changing event, there's a lot at stake. Just be cautious and cognizant. Make decisions for yourself after discussion if necessary and considering YOUR options. (((Trust me on this one.))) Part-time work will not impact the support significantly. Full-time would be a different story,but part-time not much at all. As for legal representation, as long as you both AGREE, then it's optional. Remember, think of you and the children.

One day at a time...

I have not gone thru a divorce but I saw what happened to a close friend. She was kind of in the same situation as you but has 3 children. Husband was unfaithful but saw the error of his ways and wanted to work thing out and stay married. She was in a good place at that point and decision to divorce him.

Things were fine until her ex started dating. During the time her kids were with her ex they were exposed to whomever he happened to be dating at the time. Kind of like Charlie Sheen and "the goddesses" taking care of his twin toddler boys. It was also hard for the kids to see their father move out of the house and be someone else's daddy if the woman he was dating had children.

Ex was a great father prior to divorce and we were all shocked at how he has failed his children after the divorce. Please give this some consideration and please dont dismiss thus as something that would never happen to you. You just never know.

I would get a lawyer...things can get ugly, even if you think you are in agreement now. When he realizes he has to give you half of his 401k/pension etc. he may not be so nice. Community Property is complicated in CA; you want to be reasonable and fair, but you also want to get what you deserve (you are a 50% partner in a relationship regardless of whether you work or not - his "earnings" are half yours and the house is half his.

I dont know what happened between you two, but I would make divorce an absolute last resort. Life as a single parent is VERY difficult, you will have to work and juggle kids/daycare, mortgage payments etc.

If you do ultimately get a divorce, I would get an attorney. Also, I do not think that taking a job will negatively affect you unless you are making a TON of money (it actually may help you should he fight you for custody).

Good Luck to you and your family...

Hi N.,

Sorry to hear about the divorce. The following is my experience only.
I think that mediators can work but you have to protect your rights.
There is lots to consider like alimony, child care costs, children's medical/dental insurance, children's medical costs, retirement accounts, taxes, debt, etc.
In California, there is guideline child support. You can go to Child Support Services. The closest one to you is probably Loma Linda. Lots of paperwork, but definitely worth it.
Regarding work. Good for you for taking that step. I was in court once where a judge was reprimanding a mother for not getting a job. She kept saying that her child was a special needs child, but the judge told her to get a job! Child support has lots of variables including income, time with the parent, etc. Search for "California child support calculator" in Google.

Best of luck with everything.

.

My husband was married previously, and he and his ex had a very amicable divorce. They split everything and decided everything beforehand...and instead of an attorney, they hired a mediator. They saved thousands of dollars. If you are both on the same page, I highly recommend trying to go this route.

The job, and your income, can affect the divorce and how the judge or mediator decides. If your husband doesn't know about the offer, I would try to ease the divorce through before taking it...if he already knows it will "probably" come up anyway as a source of income, and may have a bearing on support.

If you are absolutely sure that things can be resolved amicably, you can either file on your own, or work with a mediator. A mediator is generally a paralegal that will work with both of you to work out a divorce agreement and present it to the court.
If there is any doubt about the trustworthiness of your ex, I would definitely hire a lawyer. I tried to do it on my own, but found that I needed someone else to stand up for me since I couldn't deal with my ex on my own. My biggest regret is not hiring a lawyer sooner.My advice would be to insist on time to make decisions, and talk them over with a 3rd party before commiting to anything. I got bullied into making some agreements that were not in my or my son's best interest, and am still having a hard time because of it. As far as the job goes... it may slightly impact how much support you can get, but it would be better in the long run, as alimony will only last so long, and child support only till they are 18. I would try to become as self sufficient as possible, as you really can't depend on the ex for financial stability.
As far as telling the kids, visiting a counselor is a good idea. We told our son that we were having problems and that we were splitting so that we could be better parents for him. He still had some difficulty with it, but is fine now.

Based on what you've written, I agree with Michelle H. Divorce is a horrible answer to "He did some really bad things . . ." Find a marriage counselor and both of you go. BTW find a marriage counselor, not a divorce counselor. Some of the people that advertise their services as "Marriage counselors" are really "divorce counselors".

I only know of one man that never made a mistake and I celebrate his birthday around Christmas time. It sounds like he is sorry, but you don't want to forgive him.

I know of several couples that have opted for divorce when they should have worked out their problems and stayed married. Some of them even got re-married because they found the grass had more "weeds" on the other side of the fence than they had in their own yard.

Good luck to you and yours.

I'm sorry about your divorce. My brother went through a divorce in CA a few years ago. Pretty messy. His kids were 3 and 6 at the time. Even with the lawyers they still were told to go to mediation first before they went in front of a judge so if you can avoid the judge that's good. On the other hand you should still have a lawyer to help you come up with a doable visitation, holiday, etc. plan in writing that everyone can follow and to determine alimony and child support. You also need to be flexible in changing your custody agreement if friends or family come to visit or if you want to go out of town with your kids. You will need permission from the other parent to fly out of town with your kids.

Getting advice from a counselor on how to tell the kids is great. The kids may need to see the counselor after the divorce to work through their feelings. If both of you can live near each other so you can both see the kids all the time that's the best scenario. My brother's wife wanted to leave the state. He said no but she moved 2 hours away so he couldn't see the kids during the week (when she had primary custody. My brother now has primary custody based on a bunch of bad things....). My brother was married for less than 10 years so he only had to pay alimony for 5 years then only some child support until the kids are 18.

Definitely go ahead and start working again. It will be good for you mentally and financially.

It sounds like you have a good attitude about this. Good luck with everything and I hope this helps.