Divorce: Mediation Vs. Lawyers

go through a mediator. Remember everyone loses in divorce so not matter who you go through both of you will feel as its unfair. Youll go broke if you work with a lawyer.

Hi,
I am a child and family therapist and I recently came into contact w/ what some are considering a movement in regards to divorce. It is called collaborative practice. The website is www.cpcal.com. The whole premise is resolving divorce issues as peacefully as possible so that everyone, especially the children have as little impact as possible. Hope this helps.

Hi L.,
Your deffinately doing the right thing by starting off with a mediator. Try to avoid lawyers and the court system if possible, it is SOOOO costly and will more than likely drag it out much longer than you can imagine. I have been supporting my father who is going through a messy divorce for the past 2 1/2 years! The divorce was over right away, they're still batteling over property ans assets. The attorneys are having a field day (my day has paig 250k in attorney fees at this point- which will come out of the settelment money f.y.i), and it seems like there is no end in sight. Sadly, the court system has allowed for this to go on and on. Its scary, if this keeps going the way it is, all that they're fighting over will be in the attorney's bank accounts.
Deffinately try to settle through mediation, it is the "less ugly" way to go your seperate ways. If your ex is not cooperative and will not grant you what you feel is deserving, then seek advice from a family law attorney.
Best of luck to you and your family,
B.

Hi, I had to respond because my sister just went through a really tough divorce. She lives in CO. so it may be quite different there but she got very bad results using a mediator and now over a year after the divorce she has had to take out a second mortgage on her home to hire a lawyer.

I bet it really depends on who the mediator (or lawyers) are. I think if I were you I would at least do a few interviews with lawyers so that if you do go with a mediator at least you can feel that you have checked your options.

It is a tough call, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I hope it all works out for you!

I have been to court appointed mediation twice. I had to pay both times about $100 each visit. The mediator worked with both of us and wrote down our aggreements and then submitted the agreements to the court. The court then put the agreement into an official order. Our agreement was around actual visitation time frames, travel, responsible party for travel needs, advanced notice, payment for travel methods, etc.
Whether he actually follows the order is something different. But, we were automatically sent to mediation since child custody was involved. (Solano County)
As far as attorneys, I am jaded due to my own fruitless experience of 3 1/2 years (and continuing) without a divorce or working custody arrangement/enforcement. As you can imagine, I am poor and don't have much positive to say about it, but each case is different. Follow your intuition when making this decision.
Hope all works out for you and the kids.

L.,
I am not sure that a lawyer is necessary but I will tell you this - make sure you get everything court ordered. Do not take his word for it that he will take care of the the kids. I got divorced and my ex promised he would always take care of me and our daughter, so I was dumb and didn't get anything in writing. Needless to say, two years later, he never gave me a dime and I ended up having to file for child support. This is a VERY long process and very stressful. Not sure what county you are in or if all the counties are like this, but Contra Costa County is a joke and they drag their feet. It has been over a year since I filed for child support, it took a year to get a court date and I am still not seeing any money.
I don't have a co-parenting relationship (in fact, we hate each other) and it makes it very difficult to deal with him while trying to keep our daughter shielded from our hate.

It's best, IMO, to try mediation first to see if you can work out a settlement agreement without going to court. Your mediator should be able to handle everything from property division to visitation to child support. You will still need to each retain an attorney to review the documents with you before you sign off and file them. Good luck!

If he says he is going to work with you and be amicable, then I would start right there without a lawyer or mediator. If you guys can agree on EVERYTHING (custody, visitation, child support, division of debts and division of assets) then I wouldn't pay either one. You guys can accomplish the divorce without them. The court will make orders re your agreements and if he doesn't live up to them you have the same recourse as if you had had a lawyer to begin with. You only need a mediator if you can't agree - the mediator will try to help you both come to a compromise. that's all they do is help you to compromise. If you guys agree on things with the help of a mediator, then that will be the way the orders go. If you can't agree with the help of a mediator, then the mediator will make a recommendation to the court and the court usually adopts the recommendation. My daughter went through mediation and she and I both hated it. The mediator was a man and was very biased. I would never elect to use a mediator if I didn't have to!

Hi
I am not 100% positive about this, but a girlfriend of mine recently filed for divorce and shared this with me. She told me that if you have kids, the courts will automatically send you to mediation regarding custody. It may be in your best interest to try mediation first. She was happy that she and her ex worked everything out there. It saved her a lot of money. Good luck!
E.

Even if you end up going to court, you'll see a mediator, so if nothing else, it is a good starting point.

I would say, be clear about what you want, what you're willing to negotiate, and what is not negotiable. Keep a calm head about you and do your best to speak your truth without blame or judgment.

Lawyers can be sharks, but are sometimes necessary. If you can do it without a lawyer, go for it! I've been to court more times than I care to admit, and am about to go again next week. It is very difficult financially and emotionally.

Ultimately whatever you two decide together will still need to be put in a court order to make it enforceable. Especially the child support / alimony. If you're concerned about him paying you, I highly recommend once you have the court ordered amount for child support that you go to your local child support enforcement agency. My child support comes directly out of the check before he even sees it and goes into my bank account. When he's behind for some reason, they can take it out of his next income tax return. It has been a huge blessing not to have to deal with that hassle!!!

I don't know if you can get some kind of enforcement on alimony as well or if that will even be separate from child support. I never dealt with alimony issues, only child support.

One last word of advice from someone who has a terrible co-parenting relationship, do your best to keep it amiable for your kids. It has been such a struggle for me to withhold from my kids the grief their father gives me, and they know we don't get along, they just don't know to what extent. My 12 year old commented recently how she wished we got along better, that it's hard on her that we don't. If she only knew the half of it!!!

Good luck with mediation! I hope it works out well for your family.