Husband Has Harder Time with Letting Her Cry

How many days is he typically away when he travels? Have you tried letting her CIO when he's away? It doesn't take too many nights, if more than one (at least that was what my kids were like). Oh, and with throwing the binky, etc. into the middle of the room she definitely has to learn that if she does that it's gone for the night. Good luck!

I am totally with you on this. Luckily, so is my husband and we've never had this problem at all. We have left our kids alone to sleep in their cribs since birth and have never had a problem. They know no other way than to feel secure to get themselves to sleep after a long day, plenty of food and a good night routine. Pampering in the middle of the night other than for illness has absolutely never been necessary, nor would it have been an option. We think it's mean to create habits where the kids need you in order to fall asleep. Not to mention we don't want to be sleep deprived ourselves.

And FYI, my husband is almost always traveling too. It's mainly me enforcing the rules all the time, but he complies when he's home. The kids don't go ballistic when he's gone, because they're simply not allowed to go ballistic whether his home or not. Don't get played! Keep things extremely positive about his being gone working for you two, and extremely firm on the rules of good behavior.

Your husband is being a softie for his own comfort on this. He feels uncomfortable to hear her screaming. But worse than that, your daughter is not happy or secure while she is causing herself to have long tantrums in an effort to control you into fetching things in the middle of the night. She would be MUCH happier and healthier sleeping at night and getting big praises in the morning. The training for this is easy and temporary, you just have to have your husband control HIS impulse to give into the moment.

DO NOT REWARD TANTRUMS!!! I would discipline her for this, but at the very least, NEVER let her get her way when she acts like this at night or any other time. NEVER pick up the stuff she throws. She's doing this because she has gotten away with it already. When a child can control you, they NEVER stop doing it, even at night. It's a blow to baby's ego at first when the parent doesn't come fetch, but in the long run, they feel secure that you are the leader, and you make the rules. He is not gaining her respect by doing this. Don't help your princess to become an unbearable prima donna! 13 months is the perfect time to draw the line, and not a moment too soon!!!

Here is what I would do do soften your husband on this idea. Explain to him that his DAUGHTER, his PRINCESS, his little ANGEL is suffering this way. She is unhappy and she is upset, because she has not learned how to sleep in peace. Tell him you love her more than anything and you want her to get secure enough to sleep on her own, and unfortunately she will have to cry first because you and he (include yourself even though it was him) have created this habit with her. Let him know that you love him for being such a great and caring dad (insert some extra compliments here) but you will no longer indulge this night drama for HER own good and you would love it if he would work with you. But let him know that if he just can't, you understand, but he's the only one who is going to get up and deal with her at night.

This will be a huge drag, because it will take five times longer to solve this if he is giving in and encouraging her behavior, but she should learn that she NEVER gets away with this with you. Maybe it will get better for you when he's not home if she knows you never comply. If he would cooperate, she would get over it MUCH faster, but sounds like he won't.

He has NO business giving you flack for not giving into her for him, when you are coming from a good perspective on her welfare. He should never make you get up at night FOR him and you should never give into that. They both need to be trained! Scolding and rational explanations almost never work on men.

I would offer sexual favors, favorite dinners, and excellent incentives if he gets on the same page with you and leaves your daughter alone at night. I would move to a room far away from the two of them at night if he decides to keep feeding her behavior and losing sleep. That's just me! GOOD LUCK!

A.,
I hear lots of frustration in your email; I also hear the disciplinarian.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Realize that lots of women have been where you are, and only a few of them have actually stuffed their husbands in dumpsters!!! :) Also that very few of their daughters who were let cry (or who were indulged at 13 months) turned out to be axe-wielding serial killers. :)

First, a few reality checks:
1. Your daughter has been sleeping in her own crib since birth--Wow! Ahead of the curve; give thanks and praise!
2. Your daughter only wakes up once in the night--Wow! Again, ahead of the curve; give more thanks and praise!
3. Sleeping straight through an entire night is not only pretty much NOT the norm, but also over-rated. Between stress, menopause, and waking when the man in my life gets up to pee, I probably haven't slept straight through a whole night in about ten years, so, again, you're ahead of the curve here, chick! :) But I figure that every time I wake up, it gives me a chance to roll over and snuggle my guy, or look in on my sleeping daughter (now 12), or go through my list of things to be grateful for: good job, warm home, loving family, enough to eat...)

(what I'm suggesting here is to adopt a "glass-half-full" kinda attitude for awhile. Not easy for us frustrated disciplinarians, but it gets easier!)

OK, now to your half-empty part of the glass:
Julia is only 13 months old. At this age, the world is still pretty much new to her; she doesn't have many memories to fill in blank spaces. Something wakes her in the middle of the night and she finds herself alone and terrified; she wants reassurance, she cries out. She still really needs to know that you're there. At this age, it's still appropriate to come in, soothe her and reassure her for a few minutes, give her the tossed lovey, then leave. (Are you doing the thing where you gradually increase the amount of time between going in and decrease the amount of time you spend soothing?)

At 13 months, she doesn't do logic and reasoning, just feels your touch, smells your reassurring presence, hears your voice. Go in, not with the idea that she's driving you nuts, but that you have a little time with her in the middle of the night (I know, doesn't feel like it at this point, but now that my daughter's 12, I sooo long for that time; I have to sneak in while she's asleep to stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. And sing to her? Forget it; she won't allow that!)

You won't undermine discipline if you get up to soothe her, retrieve a stuffed toy, stroke her back--and it'll soothe you, too. (relaxing her will relax you; I teach dance @ college and sometimes do relaxation with my classes; I'm so relaxed after I talk them through a relaxation that I'm almost in a Zen Zone).

This will also reduce your husband's frustration, too.

You might try a pre-emptive strike: Sleep in her room once or twice so that the MOMENT she wakes, you soothe her by stroking her back; she'll return to sleep more quickly and maybe, just maybe, after a few nights she'll be able to put herself back to sleep.

Best of luck.

Hi A.,

You and your husband need to find a family mediator in your local area and negotiate your issues.

Contact your local hospital and find a support group as well as a parenting group for infants.

Never leave a hysterically crying baby to self soothe.

Learn some infant massage techniques.

Good luck. All the best. D.

I don't agree with the last post. Very often when you let your child fuss for a few minutes, they learn to resolve their own issue. You are teaching her to soothe herself and you are doing great!
I felt like I was reading my own post when I read yours, although my issues were years ago. I had to sit down with my husband and discuss what I really felt works with our children and what I wanted to do. I, like you, was doing the majority of it ANYWAY! I just asked him to follow my lead and be supportive. I was near tears and he really listened and understood. It is not fair that just because we are GOOD AT IT, we have to be the bad guy all of the time!!! Both of my boys because of this went through a hating mommy phase, but now thankfully we are out of it!
I still have to remind my husband of approaches every once in a while. He will always be the softie, but he really does try more to do what I believe in.
By the way, the Ferber book on Solving your child's sleep problems is excellent and NOT MEAN but it does totally work. I read my husband some parts of it and he went along EVENTUALLY!
Please feel free to email me and I feel like you are going through the EXACT same thing that I did! Hang in there!! And stand your ground because you are right!!!!

Hi A.,

I'm a little at a loss here, because most of my kids slept through the night at 13 months. We had one who didn't. But we used to bring her into our bed so she could lay between us, and we could try to sleep. We both worked full-time and neither one of us had the energy to be up at night for years on end, nor did either of us have the energy to lose the time it would take to con her into somehow falling back asleep. She just didn't need that much sleep.

So, I would think about feeding her close to bedtime, instead of at suppertime, or adding a later snack, (something healthy and slow to process) so she has energy to get her through the whole night. That may solve the crisis without moving out or using the dumpster method.

And then on to the other issue: you guys need to decide on a plan of action that really works for both of you, and you both need to try it. I know he travels a lot, but your daughter belongs to both of you, and especially with him travelling, you need to agree on the discipline and the fun, so that her environment is as consistent as possible. It's a whole lot easier when we are together all week long, to develop a consistent pattern and stick to it, but that doesn't mean that those of us who have our spouses around every evening are building healthy patterns either.

So, I recommend you guys talk about it after Julia goes to bed. Brainstorm some ways to handle her wake up time. I, quite honestly NEVER made my kids cry it out in the middle of the night. I did when I put them down for naps during the day, but never at night. And, honestly, it was probably for selfish reasons. My gut would tighten up and I couldn't handle listening to it, and I needed my sleep. It was faster to solve the problem and go back to sleep that it was to wait for hours while the baby cried. And that would be why our children would go to sleep in their own beds, and land in ours in the wee hours of the night. But the bonus was that we all slept.

So you havea to figure out what's important to you. See if you can alter nap times and eating habits to help her sleep through the night, and then work together to make a game plan. You need a game plan that will work when you are at full strength (both parents home) and when you are short-handed. You also need to let your husband know that he has to participate in the process. If you are going to get up and rock your child back to sleep at night, so she doesn't cry, then you take turns. That way one of you sleeps every other night.

It sounds like you are working at cross-purposes right now. You want to let her cry it out, no matter what. Dad can't take the process (partly cuz he's not there 24/7), and you are now not just disciplining your daughter. You're also disciplining your husband. That latter pattern isn't going to be a helpful one in the long run. As an adult, none of us want to be disciplined, and certainly not by our spouse.

So I suggest you jointly come up with a game plan, one you can both agree on, and you both take turns following it. I'm kind of a hockey mom -- on a hockey team, there are different "lines" (group of players) cuz the game is so fast that they tire quickly, and you have to make substitutions on the fly -- unlike other sports where you substitute when the clock is stopped. But the coach makes the game plan, and regardless of which "line" is on the ice, they follow the same plan. In this situation, you guys together have to be the "head coach", and then together you have to be the lines, whether you are playing together or playing short-handed. If you create a plan that works for both of you, that you can handle emotionally, and works for your daughter, you ALL win.

And that's the goal !

Good luck. . . . communication and consistency is key.

Oh My Goodness. I laughed until I cried, we went through the SAME THING. Twice.

I sent my hubby out of town. I was a wreck, the kids trampled us both. At some point figured out which way the bread was buttered, and acted COMPLETELY different for me alone that when Daddy was home.

Hottie Hubby went to visit a friend out of town, and I just let the kids cry it out. I guess we ferberized, I went and checked on her, handed her binky back, said goodnight and walked out of the room. When he got home, I told him he would be a single parent if he went in there. I hate to say it, but lack of sleep nearly killed me.

Good luck, I'd love to know how this turns out.

A.,

You need to find a good time to have a heart to heart with your husband. He is totally being unfair to you. If he's not willing to let her cry it out, then HE needs to be the one to get up in the night and take care of it. However, (and I had 1 difficult and 1 easy baby so I do speak from experience) your daughter is old enough to know what she's doing. If you continue to go in at night, she'll continue to cry.

My husband travelled all the time when our kids were babies. B/C I was the primary caregiver, he figured I knew more about the kids and would follow my lead/advice on their care. Your husband should work WITH you...and not against you as it seems he's doing. Can you get him to see that he's making life harder for you? My husband learned that if I didn't get my sleep...I could get pretty grumpy, and everyone lost. When he travelled, he would sometimes take the night shift on the weekends so I could get a full nights sleep. (However, by this age, there shouldn't be a "night" shift unless your daughter is sick.

It seems to me that the problem is more your husband at this point than your daughter. Will he see a counselor with you? If seems as though you're really starting to resent him and that's really dangerous for a marriage...I know...been there done that!

Good luck.

From experience, let me just point out that if it were a little prince instead of princess, things would probably be different! That's Daddy's Little Angel, who can do no wrong, who has him wrapped so tight around her little finger that the proverbial pony in the backyard is right around the corner. But seriously, my husband was/is the same way. Since I work part-time and do most of the child care, he couldn't stand to hear the kids cry when they were babies. But crying in the middle of the night drove him crazy, yet he would nastily say "Are you just going to let him/her cry like that? It's not like I need sleep?!" It took until our 3rd born for him to get the message, yes, I'm going to let them cry after I check to make sure nothing's seriously wrong. Find a way to make him understand that if she's physically fine, she just needs to learn that tantrums are unacceptable, even from Daddy's Princess. Good luck. And please re-consider burying your husband behind the dumpster. They're checked way too often and his body would be found sooner. Dump him in the river instead!

Hi A.,
I remember a similar time in my son's life. My husband, too, was more of a softie and hesitated to let our son cry. This lead to a months long routine of insanity where we would drive him around, at all hours of the night, listening to soft music until he would fall asleep. The we (O. at a time, would drive home and proceed to transfer him from car to crib. Most often, he would wake up as soon as we pulled into the garage. Grrrr......It was INSANITY. Once we decided to let him cry, (and it took some convincing for my husband to agree to do it) it only took about 3 or 4 nights of torment to get him over the hump and teach him to self sooth back to sleep. Follow a set CIO technique. Like go in every 10 min and soothe. No talking, ro rocking but patting her back, etc. If we would have done that from the beginning, we would have saved a lot of time frustration AND gas!
If your husband travels a LOT, you should be able to pull this off in O. week long trip. Plan it in advance then do it! After all, moms are Super Heroes--dads are usually just the sidekick! Good luck.