Husband Is Berating My Contributions

I would talk to him and tell him how you feel. If all else fails try marriage counseling together to work out things out. If you cannot, there is no reason to stay together. It is to bad that he can't realize that being a Mom is a very hard job and that you never really stop and it is important for him to be supportive of you and not belittle you. Good luck.

The first 6 weeks after a baby is born are the hardest for a relationship. It's one of the most difficult times you will ever endure during your marriage. If you can make it through that, then you can make it through almost anything.

It's scary for some men to be the only ones providing financially. He got used to your contribution, and then even though you were probably paid some maternity leave, I'm sure he's still worried about making ends meet. The parent who isn't home with the baby 24/7 doesn't realize that the day simply can't be dedicated to housework... that 90% of your time must be dedicated to caring for a newborn. Especially if your newborn is one of the few that doesn't sleep a lot during the day.

You don't have to prove that you're an equal partner. You ARE an equal partner and you know what you're contributing. You know what your efforts are. If he doesn't see that, it's his own issue. You might benefit from some marriage counseling, so that you can talk without the stress of the baby being present, and can speak freely with someone who is impartial.

Dear Melissa, Back in the OLD DAYS, even when I was a kid (I guess I am old now!) I knew very few working mothers. They stayed home to raise their children. It was the standard. Kids, and this is just my opinion, were better off because of it. Society was better off, too.Problem now is that it is not chique to stay home and some men just do not get it, that parenthood is a full time job and that daycare initself is expensive(and not necessarily safe or ideal) and the cost of living today is even more expensive forcing both parents to work outside the home rather than to find other alternatives. My mother was an RN and she did not go to work until I was in highschool and at that, it was a job she fell into, and eventually decided to continue working full time. It sounds to me that before you consider ending the marriage, especially with a young baby at home, it is time to seek counseling for both of you as well as take some of the suggestions already mentioned. I'm sure you are well aware that when you go back to work and come home to take care of your child, it is typical that you will not only have two jobs, but three jobs in that the housework will still probably be yours to do. It is a lot to ask one person to do. Many woman who are mothers work today, but some of them hire help at home if their husbands don't pull their weight and IF they can afford the extra help, but it beats getting burned out and depressed and overwhelmed. My 2 cents.

Hi, I had similar problems with my husband. At the time it was difficult to deal with because we were both stressed. I tried to explain to him that although his stress and exhaustion (work related) were different than mine (staying home w/ baby all day and lack of sleep) that we were both working hard to make this family work. I think back now and realize he was simply stressed because he was worried about how he was going to pay the bills w/o my income, what if something happened to him?, work in general, etc. He was simply taking things out on me. The minute I went back to work he realized that we had no one to take care of the baby and that he had to take on more responsibility in the home. He realized that he had to do more chores, stay home with the baby instead of going to the gym, etc. Needless to say, he wasn't happy. Maybe your husband needs a reality check. Let him take care of the baby for a few hours so that you can go do something for yourself. I mean when was the last time you did anything for yourself? Take a bubble bath, put on some of your music (instead of Rock a bye baby), light some candles and put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door!!

M.,

Did the two of you talk through each other's expectations of howlife would change when your baby came before you gave birth? That may be where the problem is beginning. A lot of men have this picture in their minds of a Donna Reed kind of existence during the time you are home, but don't realize the challenges of the real thing.

It sounds like you are home very temporarily, during your maternity leave. So we're talking about like 3 months or so, right? During which you are recovering either from pushing a human being out of your body or major surgery, depending on your delivery. Either of those things take time to get back on your feet and feel like a person again. In addition, you are learning to parent for the first time, probably not getting more than two or so hours of sleep at a time. There's a huge difference between four two hour naps and an eight hour night's sleep. It absolutely affects your energy level. Added to all of that is the constant needs of a newborn, to eat every two to three hours, trying to adjust to breastfeeding if you are doing so, meeting diapering and changing and soothing needs which are huge in the first three months, extra laundry, etc. If you are not getting to polishing the silver, it's totally understandable!

Does your husband truly know what goes on during the day?

Was your husband a supportive and loving person to you before your baby came along? If he wasn't, then this is just a new reason to be critical and belittling, and no one needs to live with that. If he was a genuinely good man and a loving husband, then this may be an adjustment issue for him.

I know my husband was scared to death when we had our son, because with me as a stay-at-home Mom, he was wholly responsible for finances, and that worried him. All he could see for the first little while how huge that responsibility felt, and how dire the consequences seemed if he were to fail in his role. It was hard for him to see past his own fears and worries to the facxt that while my responsibilitiesweren't the same, they were nothing to be blown off, either. He's a good man, and a great husband and father, so he camearound after he realized we were going to get the bills paid every month, and no one was going to be living in cardboard boxes that said my Dad's a bum on them.

If your husband is acting generally out of character for his normal self, sit down and really talk to him. Talk about how he's feeling, and about how both lives have changed since the baby came. Remind him that what you are doing is important, and that the financial burden on his shoulders will be shared again very soon.

If this is typical behavior for him, then you amy need to seriously consider your relationship. Not only do you not deserve to be treated that way, your baby doesn't deserve to grow up with someone in their life who is critical and negative.

I wish you luck either way, and a huge congratulations on your new little miracle!

i'm a 23 year old mother of a soon to be 3 year old and expecting another one anytime this week(today is my due date). I've been with my husband for going on 7 years. my advice is that you do not have to prove anything. he should see that even though you are not working outside the house, you are working inside the house. taking care of a child and the cooking, cleaning etc that goes with maintaining the house is alot of work. if he fails to appreciate you and all you do for him and the family, then leave him. you will be doing a better deed for your child by leaving him than staying with him and being unhappy. obviously you can get a job and little by little prove to YOURSELF that you do not need him. a marriage is for TWO people to compliment each other and bring out the best of oneanother, not to critize the other. hope this advice helps you and feel free to contact me. i might not be "old enough" but i have sound advice to give and to receive. believe me, my marriage is not perfect but we are managing. take care and may god bless you and help you in your decision. think of your child. i was raised by my mother alone, no father or step parent and she did great with me and my brother. i never saw her hurt because of him or any man. now my mother has been married for 10 years and she is very happy. so just think it through and whatever you decide, good luck.

Men have their own male pms and hormone swings....not as dominant as a womans, but still there. Lack of sleep, stress of new responsibility as a daddy, feeling like he is nothing but a paycheck for the next 18 yrs...who knows. But this is a fairly common reaction for men.

They have no clue how hard being "Mom" is. That is why it is referred to as "Full-Time Mom"! It IS A FULL TIME JOB, in addition to what ever job he insists you get to support the household. What I am saying is...men think we are not "parenting" we are watching soap operas and eating bon-bons all day. Bringing a child into the world is huge. You can't let it raise itself, mothers are instrumental in providing so much more than a dry diaper and a bottle. Mothers instinctively understand we owe our child the attention it deserves or we will someday see what we have raised and wish we were a more proactive parents....

Men don't think about this until the kid is 17, missing from their bedroom and his wallet and car keys are missing. It is not instinctive for them.

Here is a twist...if he is insisting you help with supporting the household...then he must assist in maternal roles. Why are you paying for childcare? He is a parent too...work opposite hours and he can take a part of your responsibility too. (I know, in theory it will be an equal exchange and he should change his mind....but work hours don't always allow that scenario).

Also...
He married you as an independent single working woman, you are now a mom/housewife. He may not see that just because you are not independent and working does not mean you are weak and subordinate. Did he think you were not going to change with maternity? If he is forcing you be that independant woman again...what do you need him for? Ok, it is a bit rash...but is leaving him the only way to show him just how independant you can still be?

Sometimes men push away from their new family at first...not realizing they will miss out on the most rewarding experiences in life if they push away too hard. What he needs to realize is...bullying you is not going to change things back, it will change them for the worse. He will not go back to having the single life with an independent girlfriend. He will become a weekend dad with a garnished paycheck. A big red flag to the single women out there. Let him know what it is doing to you, and where he is aiming...maybe he will change his ways. If not, he was warned and will regret it (someday long after you got over it).

Hi M., this is a subject that I am familiar with. I am a mom of 7, 5 biological and 2 step sons. I have learned that sitting down(hopefully this is possible in your case) and talking things out helps. If he is an understanding husband he will start helping more around the house. A home is run by everyone involved. At no given moment it was said that you have to do all the childcare and household duties. Reaching a compromise between you two with the chores will help out greatly. For instance, you can suggest, 'if I cook, you could wash the dishes'. There are so many things that you can do as a team. When the baby needs a bath you two can decide who bathes the baby and the other could put the baby to bed, etc. It's those small things that count. I hope that you can sit down and talk things out! Good Luck!!! N.

M., Keep your head up! Having a newborn is hard enough with lack of sleep and everything else. My husband had his own issues with me not working.
I agree with a lot of the advise below... If he is out of Charecter then give him a chance. If not this could ellivate the situation more.
My husband and I seperated for a few months and it has totally changed him. We are happier than we ever were now.

I've been there. I'm a homeschooling mom and I don't make money, my husband does. He used to think that the mommy stuff is not work, but it took my throwing him out and having a million shouting matches, for him to realize that what we do is valid hard work! Scream at him if you have to, but don't stand for being berated. I bet he hates his job, and he's feeling unloved because you don't have the time for him that you used to have...but he's a grown man, they have to deal with us by using respect! Don't accept anything less!

Girl please show your husband that you are doing everything possible to make your and his world livable with the new baby. Childcare is very expensive let him know that and if you do go back to work make sure you tell him the all the promblems that can come up from paying such high cost of childcare.i have three kids bymyself and it is not easy I am apreschool teacher on a 11.oosalary on my own talk to your husband.G.